Candygirl Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 My husband has wanted to go to Aus for 13 years and known that it was an incredibly difficult decision for me and he has never once turned round and said to me or sent a text message (I cannot believe that!:err:) and said well "I am doing this and don't care what you think" and believe me, I am sure there have been times when he could have said that over the years!! As people have said, we are only hearing one side of the story, but you have your visa already, so that to me says that everyone signed up to this and were intending on going. If he has had a change of heart, fine, I am sure that happens all the time, but what happened to sitting down and discussing it and trying to find a compromise where everyone was happy? For what it is worth, I think you should go. As you say, you have no ties to the UK, your childcare won't be a problem as you seem to have sorted that already. As has been said, I would seek legal advice as well though before you leave. Wishing you the best for the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest30085 Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 And remove him from the visa, woman scorned? Hell yeah! Seriously, put yourself and your children first. If that means going to Australia on your own then so be it. Although they are not his biological children, I always think when any man or woman gets involved with someone who has children from a previous relationship that they take on that responsibility as if the children are their own, and in this case I don't see that happening. I really hope everything works out for you Memmy, it may take some time, but eventually you can brush yourself down and you will manage, you are already virtually on your own if he's working away all week. Sending you my best wishes for your future xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest30085 Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 To be honest in his world there is no reason why I would not go and struggle because if you move to another country you expect that he tells me and just wait for him to walk back into my life as though nothing has happened. We have moved from making the move together to him not being happy to live off my money so ' you go ahead for a few weeks and Ill send you money each month til I join you' to I'll send you money for a little while to I'm doing this course you can go and wait patiently for me (without any financial support even though he earns 4k each month) to decide at some unspecified time to join you or we can go our separate ways and ( I'll still keep in touch maybe if either of us don't meet anyone else we'll reunite) not once has he said to me I don't want you to go I don't want to lose you he is incapable of emotion that doesn't revolve around himself after a particularly nasty argument last year in which he was physically violent afterwards he sat and cried not because I now had multiple bruises but because ' if you leave me I'll have no one' - he has no family here in Uk I am not angry and making the judgement to go in haste. I am sad and hurt but it's just another example of his total self absorption people fly from around the globe to do this course it's 1 week every 2 months there are ozzies on the course so he could do that and could afford to do that but he chooses not to partly I believe because then he would have to live at home and fully take on the role of husband and step father which in 3 years he has not done has always worked away coming home most weekends but not guaranteed there have been occasions where I have received a txt at 6pm on Friday he is not coming wants to go to some sales in London. My usual week consists of mon - fri I have no contact with him unless he has gone past a speed camera upon which I will get a call asking will he get caught or he is waiting on a letter did it come along those lines come the weekend he will arrive and sit himself down on the sofa I meanwhile will spend the weekend run ragged getting all the shopping washing cleaning etc done while he chills watching hour after hour of wildlife program's when he tires of that we are allowed to watch something of course it's not what he wants to watch and ' why do I have to be like a dictator and force him to watch something he doesn't want to' so he goes upstairs for a nap or to play on iPad until he tired of that at which point he arrives back downstairs to re take control of the tv. I have no idea where he lives as I obviously don't need to know this information. If I have not been 'polite' enough over the weekend -he is big on politeness I will get a succession of vile abusive emails on the Monday one big no no is to swear at him he totally flips out but of course if he is angry he can swear and hurl abuse at me because an apology later makes that all ok. I have tried my hardest to make this work but I feel that it's got to the point of no return basically he has now chosen a course which he could do at any time over us and I'm 100% sure that even if I said ok I'll stay until you do this course as long as then we go at the end of it he would find something else he just needed to do followed by something else until I would be getting near the point where I had to go or lose the opportunity and as I'm 40 next week age is not on my side. I think for my own mental well being I need to go have lost track of the number of times have cried all the way to work on Monday my car has seen a lot of tears! I hadn't seen this post before I replied, get out of this relationship, nobody deserves treatment like that. Take your babies and leave him to it. Good luck Hun xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BritChickx Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 To be honest in his world there is no reason why I would not go and struggle because if you move to another country you expect that he tells me and just wait for him to walk back into my life as though nothing has happened. We have moved from making the move together to him not being happy to live off my money so ' you go ahead for a few weeks and Ill send you money each month til I join you' to I'll send you money for a little while to I'm doing this course you can go and wait patiently for me (without any financial support even though he earns 4k each month) to decide at some unspecified time to join you or we can go our separate ways and ( I'll still keep in touch maybe if either of us don't meet anyone else we'll reunite) not once has he said to me I don't want you to go I don't want to lose you he is incapable of emotion that doesn't revolve around himself after a particularly nasty argument last year in which he was physically violent afterwards he sat and cried not because I now had multiple bruises but because ' if you leave me I'll have no one' - he has no family here in Uk I am not angry and making the judgement to go in haste. I am sad and hurt but it's just another example of his total self absorption people fly from around the globe to do this course it's 1 week every 2 months there are ozzies on the course so he could do that and could afford to do that but he chooses not to partly I believe because then he would have to live at home and fully take on the role of husband and step father which in 3 years he has not done has always worked away coming home most weekends but not guaranteed there have been occasions where I have received a txt at 6pm on Friday he is not coming wants to go to some sales in London. My usual week consists of mon - fri I have no contact with him unless he has gone past a speed camera upon which I will get a call asking will he get caught or he is waiting on a letter did it come along those lines come the weekend he will arrive and sit himself down on the sofa I meanwhile will spend the weekend run ragged getting all the shopping washing cleaning etc done while he chills watching hour after hour of wildlife program's when he tires of that we are allowed to watch something of course it's not what he wants to watch and ' why do I have to be like a dictator and force him to watch something he doesn't want to' so he goes upstairs for a nap or to play on iPad until he tired of that at which point he arrives back downstairs to re take control of the tv. I have no idea where he lives as I obviously don't need to know this information. If I have not been 'polite' enough over the weekend -he is big on politeness I will get a succession of vile abusive emails on the Monday one big no no is to swear at him he totally flips out but of course if he is angry he can swear and hurl abuse at me because an apology later makes that all ok. I have tried my hardest to make this work but I feel that it's got to the point of no return basically he has now chosen a course which he could do at any time over us and I'm 100% sure that even if I said ok I'll stay until you do this course as long as then we go at the end of it he would find something else he just needed to do followed by something else until I would be getting near the point where I had to go or lose the opportunity and as I'm 40 next week age is not on my side. I think for my own mental well being I need to go have lost track of the number of times have cried all the way to work on Monday my car has seen a lot of tears! I'm not expert but that is definately not a marriage, he's treating you like his mum or his slave! some where to go between work. Like i said, what a bastard, and i would have called the police as soon as voilence came into it but that's just me. He's probably done you a favour leaving! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galahad Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 Mem - believe it or not there are parts of your description I recognize in a previous partner (thankfully not one I married).... What you have to face as a single parent emigrating is a lot less scary than what you face if you stay..... I can only repeat what my gut feeling was before - GO - as soon as is physically possible.... When you're safely in Australia I would inform him calmly of the removal of his name from any visa - by text..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindor Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Hi Mem, same as Galahad, some parts of my marriage were like yours and even now 25 years after it ended I can't believe it took me five years to find the strength and confidence that had been knocked out of me, emotionally not physically, to walk away. My advice to you is leave him behind and get on with a new life for you and your children. It may be difficult at times, but better that than the marriage you've described. I know people who've wasted years because they didn't want to be alone. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't treat you or, more importantly in my opinion, your children right! I hope you have the strength to make the right decision? Good luck to you and your children for a happy future! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Camper Babe Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 If it was me, then I would definitely still go. Sometimes things have to fall apart to fall into place! You've been given the opportunity so take it. If it doesn't work out in the end, then at least you tried and you won't regret having not tried. Good luck, all the best and I really hope it works out for you and your children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flag of convenience Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 I don't agree. This is an open forum not an individual counselling session. What might be useful is an objective view of the situation, and to recognise how the other party might be feeling rather than offering extreme advice. BigD Fully agree. Objectivity loses out to emotion all too often. AS such internet counselling can certainly inflict harm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flag of convenience Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Fully agree. Objectivity loses out to emotion all too often. AS such internet counselling can certainly inflict harm. Professional advice would be my take. Followed by no hasty decisions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Not meaning to be harsh, I hope your ex-partner wastes his money on the MBA, can't get a job after and then can't get a visa to Aus. He sounds like a total loser. Hope you make the move and make a total success of it. Serve him right if nothing else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galahad Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 With the greatest respect for 'professional counselling & caution' - I don't get the impression there's anything hasty about the OP's decision..... When asked, she has tried to give an overview of her situation & I think she's lived with it long enough to make a rational decision about it.... The situation she describes in paragraph 2 happened almost identically to me - my other half having beaten me black & blue, crying because 'if I left, he would be on his own'..... So I stayed a while longer..... silly me. In the end my decision to leave was not hasty, or vindictive, but necessary......counselling was futile - there seemed to be a 'piece missing' called 'ability to connect or take any responsibilty for' anything in our lives together....it was frustrating & 'weary-ing' It was a strange & surreal relationship & 'he' simply moved on from woman to woman to woman - going for types who would 'look after him'...... Perhaps some of us are seeing that the OP needs to feel that she is not totally crazy - living in her situation can have that effect on you - you start to see things from the 'other person's' point of view, more than your own, hitherto sensible one that you mislaid somewhere along the way.... The post by the OP is articulate, measured & probably about as accurate as anyone would wish to be on an open forum.....but as far as I can see she's not issuing any ultimatums....& with his income & his name still on the visa (presumably) for the moment, he can choose to go with her if he wishes..... To be honest I think the OP needs to get away from the situation for a while anyway - to view it objectively.... She's already done the lengthy & necessary 'groundwork' for emigration & says she has a 'support network' but exasperation with this latest turn of events has brought her to the forum...... I think she'll read ALL the replies & take everything on board..... Caution in many things is wise - but sometimes enough is enough & you simply need to act to change things for the better..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest76088 Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Not meaning to be harsh, chances are he will enhance his career with an international MBA, be very successful with a high paying role in General Management or management consultancy. Hardly the actions of a "loser". BigD Not meaning to be harsh, I hope your ex-partner wastes his money on the MBA, can't get a job after and then can't get a visa to Aus. He sounds like a total loser. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest51810 Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Sorry but you can have the best job in the world and still be a loser. Yes we only have one half of the story but any man that hits a woman is a loser in my eyes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 I would put as much distance between myself and this man as possible. He sounds like he has a fairly severe personality disorder. Run, just run!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galahad Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 ".......chances are he will enhance his career with an international MBA, be very successful with a high paying role in General Management or management consultancy......" Yer think ? His 'consultancy' skills appear to be a little lacking.....huh ? 'Consultancy' like 'charity' should start at home ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest76088 Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 I've pitched-in again to this thread purely to address the issue of the MBA being equated to a waste of money and the unhelpful "loser" comment. To be honest I am finding some of the comments quite pathetic. BigD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mezziexx Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Hi Memmey, Reading your post has made me join this site today so any tips are welcome. I am just starting to fill out visa forms today- pretty much in a similar situation as yourself. It may help to have a chat? - I am looking to move near Sydney, to be near my sister. I have 2 girls 13 and 8. My partner doesn't want to go. Very Kind regards Mary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest30085 Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 BigD, yes we are all allowed an opinion, but it's not particularly helpful to the OP to keep coming back to the thread with nothing constructive to say, youve made youre opinion known, that's fine but to keep coming back and to now discussing the merits of a MBA. The main point of the thread seems to be about managing in Australia as a single parent and the way her partner forgot to let her know until last minute that his life is taking another path without her and the children. Do you have particular interest in a MBA? Do you have one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest51810 Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Who the hell cares about his MBA. I would of said it was worth waiting around for him untill i saw the post about violence and the way he treats her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galahad Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Oh Dear BigD......Don't get ruffled..... My point was not about the MBA in a serious way...because that's really not what the thread is about....& the OP is not stopping him from doing his course, even suggesting that he could find a 'work-around' if he wanted to enough.... She is questioning why she was told about such an important decision by text message at such a late stage, which seems to be the last straw in a long line of communication/consulting issues....which include domination, passive aggressiveness & actual aggressiveness.... Let's not squabble over semantics....the OP has enough on her plate. We all care - that's why we've replied to the thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
memmymooch Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 Hi Memmey, Reading your post has made me join this site today so any tips are welcome. I am just starting to fill out visa forms today- pretty much in a similar situation as yourself. It may help to have a chat? - I am looking to move near Sydney, to be near my sister. I have 2 girls 13 and 8. My partner doesn't want to go. Very Kind regards Mary. Hi Mary PM me if you want a chat mem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Warm but mild Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 not once has he said to me I don't want you to go I don't want to lose you he is incapable of emotion that doesn't revolve around himself after a particularly nasty argument last year in which he was physically violent afterwards he sat and cried not because I now had multiple bruises but because ' if you leave me I'll have no one' - he has no family here in Uk I am not angry and making the judgement to go in haste. I am sad and hurt but it's just another example of his total self absorption Why on earth would you want to emigrate with this man if all this is true? It sounds like it was his decision not to accompany the family to Australia yet by the sounds of this it's the best outcome for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 To be honest in his world there is no reason why I would not go and struggle because if you move to another country you expect that he tells me and just wait for him to walk back into my life as though nothing has happened. We have moved from making the move together to him not being happy to live off my money so ' you go ahead for a few weeks and Ill send you money each month til I join you' to I'll send you money for a little while to I'm doing this course you can go and wait patiently for me (without any financial support even though he earns 4k each month) to decide at some unspecified time to join you or we can go our separate ways and ( I'll still keep in touch maybe if either of us don't meet anyone else we'll reunite) not once has he said to me I don't want you to go I don't want to lose you he is incapable of emotion that doesn't revolve around himself after a particularly nasty argument last year in which he was physically violent afterwards he sat and cried not because I now had multiple bruises but because ' if you leave me I'll have no one' - he has no family here in Uk I am not angry and making the judgement to go in haste. I am sad and hurt but it's just another example of his total self absorption people fly from around the globe to do this course it's 1 week every 2 months there are ozzies on the course so he could do that and could afford to do that but he chooses not to partly I believe because then he would have to live at home and fully take on the role of husband and step father which in 3 years he has not done has always worked away coming home most weekends but not guaranteed there have been occasions where I have received a txt at 6pm on Friday he is not coming wants to go to some sales in London. My usual week consists of mon - fri I have no contact with him unless he has gone past a speed camera upon which I will get a call asking will he get caught or he is waiting on a letter did it come along those lines come the weekend he will arrive and sit himself down on the sofa I meanwhile will spend the weekend run ragged getting all the shopping washing cleaning etc done while he chills watching hour after hour of wildlife program's when he tires of that we are allowed to watch something of course it's not what he wants to watch and ' why do I have to be like a dictator and force him to watch something he doesn't want to' so he goes upstairs for a nap or to play on iPad until he tired of that at which point he arrives back downstairs to re take control of the tv. I have no idea where he lives as I obviously don't need to know this information. If I have not been 'polite' enough over the weekend -he is big on politeness I will get a succession of vile abusive emails on the Monday one big no no is to swear at him he totally flips out but of course if he is angry he can swear and hurl abuse at me because an apology later makes that all ok. I have tried my hardest to make this work but I feel that it's got to the point of no return basically he has now chosen a course which he could do at any time over us and I'm 100% sure that even if I said ok I'll stay until you do this course as long as then we go at the end of it he would find something else he just needed to do followed by something else until I would be getting near the point where I had to go or lose the opportunity and as I'm 40 next week age is not on my side. I think for my own mental well being I need to go have lost track of the number of times have cried all the way to work on Monday my car has seen a lot of tears! Thank you for reading my post and responding, I hope you weren't upset or offended by what I said. I have been with my husband 27 years and we've both said and done very hurtful things in that time but in the end we both believe in our marriage and have fought to keep it - when i wrote my original post it was without the context of this reply and that changes everything. To be honest this isn't about whether you go to Australia or not, this is a relationship you need to get out of. I do wonder, as someone else did whether there is someone else - its scarily common in executive men (something like 90% are unfaithful to their wives - they have the money and the opportunity). Anyway that's pretty irrelevant as his behaviour is unaccetable anyway - I would go so far as to say he has a personality disorder, he sounds narcissitic to me. If that's the case you might find this useful http://www.forbes.com/sites/jefflanders/2012/12/11/financial-strategies-for-divorcing-a-narcissist/ Given you have more support in Australia then it suddenly does seem like the right option. Maybe some counselling for you though, you sound very together considering what you have been through but it still could be helpful. Hugs and good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mongrel Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 May I enquire to your profession , you say you work out of normal hours . You will have to rent away from your preferred place due to finance , but you're taking an au pair ,how is the au pair getting there , whv if that's the case you have only 9 months to find another Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
memmymooch Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 May I enquire to your profession , you say you work out of normal hours . You will have to rent away from your preferred place due to finance , but you're taking an au pair ,how is the au pair getting there , whv if that's the case you have only 9 months to find another I am a nurse, I am not taking my current au pair she will be leaving me this summer I have recruited another girl who will join me on WHV in Australia, these girls stay with me for around 6-8 months then are replaced by another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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