ali Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Sorry but I just cannot understand why/how anyone can leave their 3 very young children to go to the other side of the world-(UK or Oz). And the excuse of not liking your potential ex wife's potential new partner is outrageous. I imagine that your wife is furious that you have gone and left. If it was her upping and going without the children and considering staying and leaving the children permenantly I suspect we would all be outraged. We all have dreams and sometimes we are in a position to follow them, sometimes we are not. If your wife will not leave her family then that is hard for you but surely you are a father first and as such you should be around as much as possible for your children.....[/quote I too can't imagine leaving my children, but the other side of the coin is that some people will take their children away from their other parent even when they have an existing relationshp with them to follow their dreams. At the end of the day people do what they do, a parent leaving has a big impact on children, but a friend of mine is also finding that having got permission from her ex to bring their child to Aus with a new partner ... a few years down the line her child is older and asking why daddy didn't love her enough to want her to stay ... the ex thought he was doing the best thing to not go to court. My advise is to make a decision you can live with, because once made, it's very hard to turn the clock back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pob Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 All this talk of leaving his children is a little odd and out of place. The day before Cobbler left his wife dropped this massive clanger in his lap. Poor old sod is on the other side of the world trying to get his head straight.Just wondering what the hell he is supposed to do. He is obviously a man who loves his wife and children from his posts and he now is not only having to deal with moving to Australia but just before he caught his plane, his wife gave him news that he was not expecting, trhinking everything is hunky dory one minute and then having the wind knocked right out of him! I don't think it is a question of Cobbler leaving his kids, he is worried about being a Saturday Daddy. He thought the family was moving to Australia and now it is not. He is worried about stuff he had never thought of before. I can only say that Cobbler should think hard and do what is right for him. When he does that the rest will fall into place. Maybe write a few lists pro's and con's and so forth. The kids can come and visit in the summer holidays, there is skype and cheap phone calls. Maybe the kids want to be with their dad as well and he could take them to Oz with him. We don't knowe what will happen back in Blighty for Cobbler, only he will have a good idea of that. Maybe Australia will be a better place for him?Maybe England will. What ever he decides I wish him the best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest 47403 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 All this talk of leaving his children is a little odd and out of place. The day before Cobbler left his wife dropped this massive clanger in his lap. Poor old sod is on the other side of the world trying to get his head straight.Just wondering what the hell he is supposed to do. He is obviously a man who loves his wife and children from his posts and he now is not only having to deal with moving to Australia but just before he caught his plane, his wife gave him news that he was not expecting, trhinking everything is hunky dory one minute and then having the wind knocked right out of him! I don't think it is a question of Cobbler leaving his kids, he is worried about being a Saturday Daddy. He thought the family was moving to Australia and now it is not. He is worried about stuff he had never thought of before. I can only say that Cobbler should think hard and do what is right for him. When he does that the rest will fall into place. Maybe write a few lists pro's and con's and so forth. The kids can come and visit in the summer holidays, there is skype and cheap phone calls. Maybe the kids want to be with their dad as well and he could take them to Oz with him. We don't knowe what will happen back in Blighty for Cobbler, only he will have a good idea of that. Maybe Australia will be a better place for him?Maybe England will. What ever he decides I wish him the best of luck. Sorry pob I don't see it as out of place being a Saturday dad as you put it would be bad enough but being the other side of the world and not being part of there childhood would devastate me. I suppose it all depends on how we view our commitment to our children, Sometimes we can't always have what we want no matter how appealing or tempting it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Its very easy to judge especially if you have never been through a marriage break up. I didnt leave my kids and move to the other side of the world but I did allow my children to leave me and move to the other side of the world to be with their Dad, does that then make me a bad Mother or did I do what was best for my children, and allow them to experience a new culture and forge a relationship with their absent Father? Like I said life is fluid people move on and in my opinion the OP has the right to decide what is best for him long term as well as what will be best for his children, as they may well wish to come and live with him at some point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest 47403 Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 Its very easy to judge especially if you have never been through a marriage break up. I didnt leave my kids and move to the other side of the world but I did allow my children to leave me and move to the other side of the world to be with their Dad, does that then make me a bad Mother or did I do what was best for my children, and allow them to experience a new culture and forge a relationship with their absent Father? Like I said life is fluid people move on and in my opinion the OP has the right to decide what is best for him long term as well as what will be best for his children, as they may well wish to come and live with him at some point. I'm not judging anyone whatever decision the OP makes needs to be his and his alone, I'm certainly not saying your a bad mother but you made a decision I could have never made, we are all different I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conniebygaslight Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 Its very easy to judge especially if you have never been through a marriage break up. I didnt leave my kids and move to the other side of the world but I did allow my children to leave me and move to the other side of the world to be with their Dad, does that then make me a bad Mother or did I do what was best for my children, and allow them to experience a new culture and forge a relationship with their absent Father? Like I said life is fluid people move on and in my opinion the OP has the right to decide what is best for him long term as well as what will be best for his children, as they may well wish to come and live with him at some point. IMO that is not the same thing at all. You allowing your children to move away to be with their Father was something you thought was in their best interest. I'm not sure how leaving 3 very young children to follow a dream is the same thing. Yes we are all different but I suspect the OP would have a case to answer in many years if he chooses this path. I can guarantee right now that the dream of the young children will be to have their father, even if it is just on weekends. As I said, if this was a mother doing this we would be outraged. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest 47403 Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 IMO that is not the same thing at all. You allowing your children to move away to be with their Father was something you thought was in their best interest. I'm not sure how leaving 3 very young children to follow a dream is the same thing. Yes we are all different but I suspect the OP would have a case to answer in many years if he chooses this path. I can guarantee right now that the dream of the young children will be to have their father, even if it is just on weekends. As I said, if this was a mother doing this we would be outraged. I agree huge difference in the decisions the OP has to make and Que Sera, Sera has made. Without wanting to upset anyone if the OP decides to leave behind the kids to follow HIS dream its a very selfish decision to make IMO, sometimes you have to admit defeat, I hope he can sort things out with his missus so it doesn't come down to having to make that decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bernie inn Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 I like it here I really do and I can see a great future here for us and my little lad. However if the missus decides she wants to go home there is no decision to make. We'll get on the plane and go. Like everyone says each to thier own but I wouldn't swap the relationship i have with my son for anything in the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest NeilEB Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 Wait a sec, are you then syaing the person's motive can decide whether the decision is 'right' or not? In Que's case, she decided that her kids would have a better life in Oz with their father. However, what if her 'dream' was to be single and no attachments in the UK, so she shipped her kids around the world (please note, I'm using a hypothetical here, I'm not for a moment suggesting that was the case). Do we then go from 'admirable, brave decision' to 'ridiculous, how can you do that to your kids', when in fact the outcome is the same - mother in the UK, kids in Oz with their father? Everybody has a right to do what they feel is best for them in life, as long as the children are being cared for and not abandoned. What seems like a selfish decision by the OP now, could be brilliant for the kids by opening doors for them in the future. Unfortunatley none of us have the ability to see the future and how our decisions can impact it - all we can do is what we think is best, and hope that everything works out. Neil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest 47403 Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 Wait a sec, are you then syaing the person's motive can decide whether the decision is 'right' or not? In Que's case, she decided that her kids would have a better life in Oz with their father. However, what if her 'dream' was to be single and no attachments in the UK, so she shipped her kids around the world (please note, I'm using a hypothetical here, I'm not for a moment suggesting that was the case). Do we then go from 'admirable, brave decision' to 'ridiculous, how can you do that to your kids', when in fact the outcome is the same - mother in the UK, kids in Oz with their father? Everybody has a right to do what they feel is best for them in life, as long as the children are being cared for and not abandoned. What seems like a selfish decision by the OP now, could be brilliant for the kids by opening doors for them in the future. Unfortunatley none of us have the ability to see the future and how our decisions can impact it - all we can do is what we think is best, and hope that everything works out. Neil I disagree as parents we have to do what is best for our children our feelings take a low priority. Que did what she felt was best for her kids at the time not something I would have done but that's neither here or there, if the OP decides to leave his wife and children he will be doing it for his feelings only and choosing to leave behind his kids. Thankfully my first marraige didn't result in any children, if it had of I really don't think I would be in the process of moving to Oz now, I don't judge anyone who has been in that situation and have left children behind with ex partners etc but it's just not something I could have done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest NeilEB Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 I disagree as parents we have to do what is best for our children our feelings take a low priority. Que did what she felt was best for her kids at the time not something I would have done but that's neither here or there, if the OP decides to leave his wife and children he will be doing it for his feelings only and choosing to leave behind his kids. Thankfully my first marraige didn't result in any children, if it had of I really don't think I would be in the process of moving to Oz now, I don't judge anyone who has been in that situation and have left children behind with ex partners etc but it's just not something I could have done. But that's my point. Without being able to see the future, how do we know what's best for our children? Anyway I'm slightly playing devil's advocate - I don;t know Cobbler, or his wife or his kids, and it's certainly not a decision I ould have made. But sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do - who knows, maybe in a month he'll realise that Oz isn't a sugar coated paradise, and find out he really misses his wife and kids, and they end up having the strongest relationship ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conniebygaslight Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 But that's my point. Without being able to see the future, how do we know what's best for our children? Anyway I'm slightly playing devil's advocate - I don;t know Cobbler, or his wife or his kids, and it's certainly not a decision I ould have made. But sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do - who knows, maybe in a month he'll realise that Oz isn't a sugar coated paradise, and find out he really misses his wife and kids, and they end up having the strongest relationship ever. Sometimes a man needs to grow up. Abandonment issues are very difficult to overcome. Opening doors for your children to get into another country is great but I cannot believe that you are suggesting that is a good enough reason to move to the other side of the world. It must be very hard that his wife has changed her mind, but if she has family support in the UK and the children are close to family, it would be an even bigger disaster if she went. The OP could stop her leaving Oz with the children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest NeilEB Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 And on the other hand, he could come back to the UK, be totally miserable, take it out on the wife and the kids, and have a bad relationship with them anyway. I've already said I don't think it's the decision I would make, but as always there are two sides to every story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conniebygaslight Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 And on the other hand, he could come back to the UK, be totally miserable, take it out on the wife and the kids, and have a bad relationship with them anyway. I've already said I don't think it's the decision I would make, but as always there are two sides to every story. Nope sorry, still not buying it. If he were forced to live somewhere he hated then i could understand his dilemma and sympathise. There are many split families where they have married person from another country and both parties are unhappy in the other country, but this is self indulgence at it's finest. If he is miserable here because he wants to chase his dream and takes it out on his wife and kids (no one is saying that is the case OP) then he needs to grow up. If there are 2 sides to every story, please tell me what the children's story is..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrisDubBris Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 Sorry to hear about your situation OP. I think the only chance you have of saving your marriage is by going back to the UK. From what you posted about your wife, that may be 0 chance though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest missuk Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 oh gosh, i don't envy your decision. without knowing your situation fully, perhaps your decision should be made with any childrens feelings at number one priority. i say this only because i have lived in perth for 12 years, it is not all it's cracked up to be (after a couple of years you get over the beaches), and I want to go back "home" to UK. I now have children to consider and am slowly learning that to keep them happy and with my husband (who is an aussie and would never leave the suburb we are in) I have to let my yearnings for what i want, be buried deep inside me. Hope whatever decision you come to as a family, has a happy ending Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MissBehaving Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 As a new poster to PIO - I am amazed how quickly things move from the OH post to 'morals' and 'rights and wrongs'. I am sure that Cobbler is not really enjoying reading everyone telling him that he needs to 'get his priorities right' and he would be wrong to leave his kids in Blighty. Perhaps he just deserves a little slack right about now so that he can make his own correct decision. Only he knows if his wife really wants to leave him and only he knows if he can live without his wife and kids. It doesnt make him a bad parent though if he choses to stay in Aus. I am in the situation now where my OH is getting the visa's in order to go to Aus - but I am in knots inside as I fear the unknown. I originaly didnt want to sell my house because I wanted to use it as a 'comforter' - my family are gutted cos we are going, and my friends... well... true friends stay with you for life - no matter where you are living. We will go there and we will make it work because i KNOW it is a better lifesstyle for my daughter and my OH, and ultimately me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 As a new poster to PIO - I am amazed how quickly things move from the OH post to 'morals' and 'rights and wrongs'. I am sure that Cobbler is not really enjoying reading everyone telling him that he needs to 'get his priorities right' and he would be wrong to leave his kids in Blighty. Perhaps he just deserves a little slack right about now so that he can make his own correct decision. Only he knows if his wife really wants to leave him and only he knows if he can live without his wife and kids. It doesnt make him a bad parent though if he choses to stay in Aus. I am in the situation now where my OH is getting the visa's in order to go to Aus - but I am in knots inside as I fear the unknown. I originaly didnt want to sell my house because I wanted to use it as a 'comforter' - my family are gutted cos we are going, and my friends... well... true friends stay with you for life - no matter where you are living. We will go there and we will make it work because i KNOW it is a better lifesstyle for my daughter and my OH, and ultimately me. True but would you leave your daughter behind and go on your own. Probably not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 As a new poster to PIO - I am amazed how quickly things move from the OH post to 'morals' and 'rights and wrongs'. I am sure that Cobbler is not really enjoying reading everyone telling him that he needs to 'get his priorities right' and he would be wrong to leave his kids in Blighty. Perhaps he just deserves a little slack right about now so that he can make his own correct decision. Only he knows if his wife really wants to leave him and only he knows if he can live without his wife and kids. It doesnt make him a bad parent though if he choses to stay in Aus. I am in the situation now where my OH is getting the visa's in order to go to Aus - but I am in knots inside as I fear the unknown. I originaly didnt want to sell my house because I wanted to use it as a 'comforter' - my family are gutted cos we are going, and my friends... well... true friends stay with you for life - no matter where you are living. We will go there and we will make it work because i KNOW it is a better lifesstyle for my daughter and my OH, and ultimately me. When you post on an internet forum, you're going to get lots of different opinions. No one is right or wrong ... just that everyone sees the same set of circumstances a little differently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghost Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 We are currently going through the process and getting closer to our visa. Every now and then my wife had a "wobble" and dont want to go. So I get on the net , show her some houses , or put some " wanted down under revisited's" on again and she soon forgets her worries and is into it again! You have to keep focusing on the positives. You can always come back, and life's far to short to miss opportunities ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steen1976 Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 As a new poster to PIO - I am amazed how quickly things move from the OH post to 'morals' and 'rights and wrongs'. I am sure that Cobbler is not really enjoying reading everyone telling him that he needs to 'get his priorities right' and he would be wrong to leave his kids in Blighty. Perhaps he just deserves a little slack right about now so that he can make his own correct decision. Only he knows if his wife really wants to leave him and only he knows if he can live without his wife and kids. It doesnt make him a bad parent though if he choses to stay in Aus. I am in the situation now where my OH is getting the visa's in order to go to Aus - but I am in knots inside as I fear the unknown. I originaly didnt want to sell my house because I wanted to use it as a 'comforter' - my family are gutted cos we are going, and my friends... well... true friends stay with you for life - no matter where you are living. We will go there and we will make it work because i KNOW it is a better lifesstyle for my daughter and my OH, and ultimately me. He posted the opening post asking for advice. Folk are going to give that based on their opinions. And their opinions are going to be based on their morals and their view of what is right or wrong. Ultimately the opening poster will make his own mind up of course. Whether he takes note of the advice and opinions given here or not. It wouldn't be a very good forum if everyone gave slack and didn't post their opinions really would it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest smileykylie Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I don't envy you at all Cobbler. I agree with those that are concerned with the children and their needs in this situation. My dad followed his dream by moving away from us when we were kids and it is a relationship that has never been able to be repaired. Yes he lived by the beach and we saw him in school holidays etc, but he was never there for the sports games, awards at school etc etc. I don't think we got fantastic opportunities out of it. As an adult I want my parents to have their own lives and fulfil their desires and dreams but as a child it is completely different as you need your parents in a much different way. And it is NEVER nice knowing that your father's (or mother in other cases) needs to live HIS dreams is at the expense of you and your relationship with him, truly makes me wonder why he bothered at times. Not to mention the effects on the self esteem - were we not 'enough' for him. He is not a nasty man by any stretch but do I respect him - not really. He is now very ill in a nursing home and it is not always a priority to visit him I can tell you and it hurts that I cannot care more, but he chose not to have a relationship with me so he could live his dreams and their are consquences to all our decisions. Just my experience - but I am now 40 and it is not until I read on here how many people are willing to risk their relationship with their children that i realise how hurt I have been all these years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cobbler Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 Sometimes a man needs to grow up. Abandonment issues are very difficult to overcome. Opening doors for your children to get into another country is great but I cannot believe that you are suggesting that is a good enough reason to move to the other side of the world. It must be very hard that his wife has changed her mind, but if she has family support in the UK and the children are close to family, it would be an even bigger disaster if she went. The OP could stop her leaving Oz with the children. Conniebygaslight, How dare you question my maturity or parenting skills??? If you cared to read my first post on this subject, My plan was for my whole family ( wife & 3 children) to move to oz but it was only once I bought flights for myself to visit Perth for 5 weeks to visit employer, schools, houses etc etc my wife told me that she did not want to emigrate. Since I have been here I have called my children & skyped them at least twice a day every day. cried many times because I am missing them so much. I am stopping with someone here who has been working here without his wife & son for 3 years only contact is through skype, I feel sorry for him because like me he adores his family. Anyway you are entitled to you opinions however obscure they are!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steen1976 Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Conniebygaslight, How dare you question my maturity or parenting skills??? If you cared to read my first post on this subject, My plan was for my whole family ( wife & 3 children) to move to oz but it was only once I bought flights for myself to visit Perth for 5 weeks to visit employer, schools, houses etc etc my wife told me that she did not want to emigrate. Since I have been here I have called my children & skyped them at least twice a day every day. cried many times because I am missing them so much. I am stopping with someone here who has been working here without his wife & son for 3 years only contact is through skype, I feel sorry for him because like me he adores his family. Anyway you are entitled to you opinions however obscure they are!! It's far from an obscure view to be fair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cobbler Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 so its right to say I need to grow up is it ? if so just explain to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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