cobbler Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 I am flying out to Perth tommorrow (sun 3rd April) 9.20pm from birmingham on my own for 5 weeks to meet 457 employer, look at area,schools ,houses etc etc (wife & 3 kids are staying at home) BUT last sunday my wife dropped a bombshell on me by telling me she does not want to move to oz with our children cos we have a good life in UK ( moving to oz has ALWAYS been my dream, I am 41 so time is running out). One or two things were said & we decided it might me best if we split up but stay ''friends''. Where & What do I do????? Please help in my hour of need :hug::notworthy: cobbler Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helene73 Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 I am flying out to Perth tommorrow (sun 3rd April) 9.20pm from birmingham on my own for 5 weeks to meet 457 employer, look at area,schools ,houses etc etc (wife & 3 kids are staying at home) BUT last sunday my wife dropped a bombshell on me by telling me she does not want to move to oz with our children cos we have a good life in UK ( moving to oz has ALWAYS been my dream, I am 41 so time is running out). One or two things were said & we decided it might me best if we split up but stay ''friends''. Where & What do I do????? Please help in my hour of need :hug::notworthy: cobbler That's a decision only you can make, but good luck with what ever you decide x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest siamsusie Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 I am flying out to Perth tommorrow (sun 3rd April) 9.20pm from birmingham on my own for 5 weeks to meet 457 employer, look at area,schools ,houses etc etc (wife & 3 kids are staying at home) BUT last sunday my wife dropped a bombshell on me by telling me she does not want to move to oz with our children cos we have a good life in UK ( moving to oz has ALWAYS been my dream, I am 41 so time is running out). One or two things were said & we decided it might me best if we split up but stay ''friends''. Where & What do I do????? Please help in my hour of need :hug::notworthy: cobbler I notice you are flying out today for 5 weeks and wish you a very good flight. Hopefully in 5 weeks you will have come to some sort of conclusion Cobbler. Personally I dont think migrating is worth breaking up a family for, and if one party is against the move it will mar the whole experience for you imo. Also if you have read the "stickies" on removing children out of the country be it the UK or Australia, this would be of uttermost importance to me! I hope you both manage to stick together as a family Susie x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pumpkin Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 Sorry to hear this :sad: I would suggest you go on your trip and do your research, send lots of tempting photos and stories back to the family. A bit feeble but I don't really see anything else for it. I don't think you can drag somebody kicking and screaming to Australia and hope it will work out. So it sounds like you may very well have to make a choice at the end of the five weeks. Your family or Australia. I know which I would choose. Maybe you can stay "friends" but this is hardly going to be the same. I always dreamed of going to live in the USA, I am around your age and have accepted it is unlikely to happen now. It isn't the end of the world. By the way, you mention a 457, are you sure you are going to be able to get PR one day. You might rip the family apart and then have to return to UK anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 Sorry to hear that but at the end of the day you will have to make the decision - people or place. Enjoy your trip and maybe then you will be in a position to make that decision objectively. Not sure I would be splitting up a family for a temporary visa but each to their own. Bon voyage! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cobbler Posted April 2, 2011 Author Share Posted April 2, 2011 I have been with my wife for over 14 years, she has always known that one day my intention was to move to OZ but now it has come down to the wire she has pulled out BUT tonight she tells me if I move over, then she brings herself & the kids over to visit me & it is as fantastic as I say then she ''could'' move to me. I think the problem is I have lived in many places home & away but she has never moved more than 5 miles from where she was born. cobbler Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest36762 Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 Hi mate I feel for you. If your wife is genuinely not wanting to go rather than just last minutes nerves, AND if you value your marriage, want the family to stay together as a unit, see your kids grow up etc, then I'd give up the whole idea, cancel the flights etc. Hopefully you can get the money back. It sounds too risky, hanging your hopes on her list of conditions for a 'might'. Spend the money you would have ploughed into the relocation by creating your own bit of Aussie in the UK: buy a boat or a kayak, optimise the outdoor space at home so it can be used all year round, go surfing in Cornwall etc. I'm not sure if that's what you want to hear, but hope it helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 Cobbler, I am sooo sorry to hear this. I think that the 5 weeks apart will do you both good and it will either make or break you. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and hopefully after your time over here one of you should have come to a decision. Big hugs and I really hope that everything works out for you. Kate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 I have been with my wife for over 14 years, she has always known that one day my intention was to move to OZ but now it has come down to the wire she has pulled out BUT tonight she tells me if I move over, then she brings herself & the kids over to visit me & it is as fantastic as I say then she ''could'' move to me. I think the problem is I have lived in many places home & away but she has never moved more than 5 miles from where she was born. cobbler That's probably going to be the kicker. Think about where her support network is, where her friends are, where the kids' friends are etc. She will have to be very strong, independent, self motivated, self sufficient and outgoing to even come close to developing that same sort of network and chances are it will never even approach the sort of social connectivity she has now. If she were to make the move to come with you, I hope you would be referring her to the "leaving Aus with kids" thread so she can see what she would be letting herself in for. I go along with Harpo, cut your losses and look to satisfying your urges within your current environment. Nothing magical about Australia, it's just another place to earn a crust. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Ropey HOFF Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 Best of luck buddy................ i don't think anyone can help you on this........... we would never know or fully understand everything, it is your life and only you can decide what is best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest17301 Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 Hi Cobbler, the only way to know is to come and try it, as youre on a 457 why not treat it as a holiday (extended) and agree that youll both go back if one of you doesnt settle. I suppose it depends on your mutual sense of adventure/ages of kids/what you have to lose but I do think you both need to be up for it equally. its a stressful move and you can do without one partner blaming the other when things get tough. You need to be solid to make this move. I hear what youre saying though and for some people, they love their home towns and nothing else will come close whatever others may think they should do/like etc. Stoke is a small town with a small town mentality and that suits loads of people but if it doesnt suit you you might have some serious talking to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pob Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 I've moved around alot and so has my wife. So changing country for us is just a hastle now rather than a big drama. We call our familys often and keep in contact by skype, email and so on. But we are not really close to our familys. I have read a lot of posts on here and talked to a lot of people and most people go back to England because they miss their family and friends, or try and change Australia into England. Go out there and send the photo's back. Does she complain that Australia is a dry and arid send her phot's of an oasis. Let her see the best side you can show her. Take the time apart to contemplate on things. It was the Beautiful south that sand a song about Rotterdam is anywhere, anywhere alone. No where is much fun on your own mate. But how much longer will you be together if you carried on in Blighty? Why didn't she voice her opinions earlier? Like before you brought your flights? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CharmedP3 Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 What a toughie..... obviously it sounds like your wife is scared to make the move... now that it's a probability and maybe she was testing YOU to see if you'd give up your dreams for your wife and family... I know it would be hard to give up your dreams, BUT which is worse? Giving up your dreams or giving up your family? You say you're coming over for 5 weeks... well it's nearly easter...could you not get flights for your wife and kids to join you for the last couple of weeks over the school holidays so she can see for herself whether Australia might be for her? A marriage is a big thing to give up to chase a dream and as someone else rightly pointed out... this is for a 45 visa...how likely is it that you could get PR at the end of the visa? If you couldn't you'd have to uproot your family again and return to the UK? I wish you luck and hope you and your wife reach a decision that works for you all Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JK2510 Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 Oh dear. It's a toughie isn't it. I wish you luck and I hope you have a good flight. It's certainly not worth splitting a family up. My mum left me and my dad in the uk when I was 13 so she could begin her new life in Perth with a man she had met after visiting my nan who also lives in Perth. My mum was desperate to get there and my dad didn't have enough points. The effects that had on me as a person was huge and it is something I will never forget. I think it would be a good idea to do as much research as poss and put a good case forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cobbler Posted April 3, 2011 Author Share Posted April 3, 2011 well I am about to leave for the airport in an hour so hope absence does make the heart gow fonder & we can see what the time apart does to our marraige I do hope we stay together at the end of the 5 weeks. Thanks to you all :wubclub: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ioana Reilly Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 I am very new to this website, I live in Ireland and my parents left Romania when I was 10. To this date, I think that the move, even though necessary for my parents, was very difficult for me as a kid. You go see the area over there, gather information and hopefully manage to convince your wife to move. It will be sad for you if she refuses but do you think that if you still go, there's a chance to twist her arm? My mum went to france, called my dad saying 'i'm staying here, not coming back'. he never held it against her. It was the right move - he just could not see it then. It was hard for them also due to the fact that they had to learn a new language pretty much from scratch but they settled in. It all kind of depends on the age of yor children also .. If it does happen and you bring them to Australia, make sure that you help them stay in touch with their friends in the UK. A clean cut is not the option i would advise. Use Skype, letters ..etc. Let their friendships die down on their own rather than doing a clean cut - it can be traumatic. They have to see it as a fun adventure - make sure that your wife does not transfer her own fears to them.. I feel for you. Best of luck Ioana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ioana Reilly Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 if you stay apart for a long period of time, there's a huge risk that you'll grow apart - she'll learn to live without you and so would you in australia. Don't split the family over this. It's hard enough but hopefully you'll manage a common decision which is best for the family. Stay in touch with her all the time, show her you love her, put her on a guilt trip showing her how much this decision is hurting you .. if things were not right between you, she may have chosen to give you the easy way out of the marriage to see if you would take it... ?? If you don't take it, you'll prove her that you care about her .. G Luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pob Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 if you stay apart for a long period of time, there's a huge risk that you'll grow apart - she'll learn to live without you and so would you in australia. Don't split the family over this. It's hard enough but hopefully you'll manage a common decision which is best for the family. Stay in touch with her all the time, show her you love her, put her on a guilt trip showing her how much this decision is hurting you .. if things were not right between you, she may have chosen to give you the easy way out of the marriage to see if you would take it... ?? If you don't take it, you'll prove her that you care about her .. G Luck Yeah she maybe giving you the easy way out. But if you don't take it, you will prove that you care about her????? Well she doesn't care that much about him or if she did she wouldn't be able to be separated from him. She loves him that much that she tells him to bugger off half way round the world and tells him he can stay there. Love is a two way street and you have to walk down it together. If you push somebody away, how can you expect that person to keep on coming back? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pumpkin Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Yeah she maybe giving you the easy way out.But if you don't take it, you will prove that you care about her????? Well she doesn't care that much about him or if she did she wouldn't be able to be separated from him. She loves him that much that she tells him to bugger off half way round the world and tells him he can stay there. Love is a two way street and you have to walk down it together. If you push somebody away, how can you expect that person to keep on coming back? You can't be serious! She hasn't sent him to Australia, she didn't tell him to go, unless I misread the thread. If my husband indicated that he couldn't quite decide whether it was me and the children he wanted or the chance of living in another country for a couple of years on a temporary visa I would be questioning the relationship too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laneyD Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Good Luck with whatever you decide to do , you might go out & decide its not for you either, I would ay that both of you need to be 100% behind the move as it takes a strong couple to survive espeically as most family & friends are so far away. Best of luck Lorraine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
family of five Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Hi Cobbler, By now I guess you will be in Oz, just wanted to say that your wife has never been keen on the move and this is the 2nd time she has said she did not want to go. So matey I think if you want to stay married it may be time to give up your oz dream, as your wife won't travel for a short time and check out the life she may have I don't think you have much chance of getting her to move there? Your life seems pretty good in the Uk so if the move is really off just make the most of what you have. Good luck with what ever happens Tina, Family of Five. x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest37336 Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Hi Cobbler. NO idea if this will help, BUT. You will often find that many things in life I equate to an 'Itch That Needs To Be Scratched', it has often been the worse thing I have ever done, but at times it has paid huge dividends. But Australia has been one of the biggest SCRATCHES that I had to deal with, fortunately each time my wife(s) at the time were fully behind me and couldn't wait for the start of the adventure, BUT. My second marriage was for all intents and purposes buggered because of this incessant itch that I wanted to scratch, AGAIN. It was a very painful time, and though I do NOT regret my decision, I do look back upon that time with a great deal of sadness and at times grief, but thankfully we are now all friends, (we always were by the way, even through the divorce) but it was not easy. My second wife wanted 'roots' and I cannot blame her in the least for this, I STILL wanted to travel to Australia, and never the twain shall meet as it were, but the situation is now resolved and we can look back upon this time as one of life's many conundrums. I am fortunate now that I am back with my first wife, :shocked:, and she well knows my determination to return, as she does. My best advice Cobbler would be this. Take the trip out there and see what fate brings about. It may be the best thing you did, or you may discover that itch you so desperately want to scratch is nothing more than a slight niggle. I have no idea if this helps Cobbler, but give yourself and wife time, no rash decisions , etc. Is Australia really worth breaking a family apart? That is the big question. As I said, take your time and let things take their course as it were. Often at such times views and 'discussions' can become so polarised that ANY resolution may be impossible, count to ten Cobbler, try to deal with fact and emotion on equal measure and I truly hope you and your family can come to a decision that suits you all, if that is possible. Take care. Tony. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laneyD Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 great post & well said ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest NeilEB Posted April 6, 2011 Share Posted April 6, 2011 Tough choice Cobbler, hope everything works out for the best, whatever 'the best' means. Keep us updated Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Nickynoonoo Posted April 7, 2011 Share Posted April 7, 2011 Hi Cobbler, By now I guess you will be in Oz, just wanted to say that your wife has never been keen on the move and this is the 2nd time she has said she did not want to go. So matey I think if you want to stay married it may be time to give up your oz dream, as your wife won't travel for a short time and check out the life she may have I don't think you have much chance of getting her to move there? Your life seems pretty good in the Uk so if the move is really off just make the most of what you have. Good luck with what ever happens Tina, Family of Five. x Tina, just had to say a quick hello as I am from Wallington, just down the road! Parents are still there and Nan is in Carshalton! Small world. Right, I will get off of this post now! Sorry everyone! :wacko: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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