Guest martinandmanda Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hi, I have a real dilemma with my daughter (she is 21 and has a 2 year old and any day expecting her 2nd). I see my kids (26 year old son, 24 year old son and daughter)on almost a daily basis and my grandaughter whenever I can. My daughter is making my life a misery as she makes me feel is guilty all the time. My son's are great really apart from the odd text "mum, I can't believe I'm not going to see you for ages and it breaks me heart" However, I have never had any of this from my daughter! In fact she is like a stone and uses every opportunity to rub it in my face that Im not going to see Niamh (my grandaughter) for possibly years! Just today she sent a text then a phone call to ask if I would mind Niamh as she wasn't feeling well (she has been in labour for last 6 months and always tells me she is always ill and being honest I'm sick of hearing about it all) I said yes and went around to collect my grandaughter and basically I over-stayed my welcome as she told me I had to leave as she was going to bed. Now she knows I have no furniture left and I was quite comfy sitting on her sofa just minding Niamh while she sat doing nothing, I even told her to go to bed but this wasn't good enough for her. To cut a long story short, because I told her she was very rude telling me to leave she went mental and told me to get out and I would never see Niamh again and LITERALLY pushed me out of her front door! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BEHAVIOUR. We (the whole family) know she is spoilt and has to have everything her own way but I'm sooooooooo fed up now. I have told my eldest son (who also can't stand being around her) that I really don't care whether I see her again before I leave and I really mean it, however, It will break my heart if I don't get to see Niamh and new baby but feel that i must now make a stand. I am so sick of the abuse she gives me and the upset she causes. Does anyone have any suggestion for me please? I love my daughter and my grandaughter but I really cannot stand the emotional blackmail any more. Is it a case of I am going to have to give up my grandchildren so she cannot use them against me anymore? She wouldn't even let me kiss Niamh goodbye today and told the little girl that Nanny doesn't want to be with her and she will never see me again. This is really tearing me apart. I was hoping to stay in constant touch with Niamh through skype but this depends on her mum (my daughter) connecting computer for this. Should I try and forget I ever had a daughter? (don't know how I will though as I have tried this before and always end up giving in to her) Sorry for such a long thread but I'm just sitting here on my one and only garden chair, really upset and wondering what I can do to make her see that she can't treat me like this anymore. Amanda xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackboots Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 no wise words from me , but i think you need a hug and maybe a trip to see a friend or friendlier family member to have a hug and a shoulder to blurt , all the best xx good luck ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Noodle Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Oh dear... Your daughter sounds very worried about being left to get on with it. To be honest there are many of us that do not have any family support whatsoever and we manage just fine, if anything it brings us closer and makes us deal with anything and everything head on. We can't run away, use others opinions and we cherish every moment (not to say that others do not - so no abuse please from anyone). You have had your family, brought them up and now it is your time, if you give up on your dream you will resent your daughter. Your daughter has chosen to have a family and they are her responsibility not yours. You can have a good relationship, albeit not conventional, and at a later date you daughter could follow you. Personally, I would try and ride it though so that you do not leave on bad terms from you (she is behaving badly not you), post her a letter from the airport (all your children separately) telling them what they mean to you as individuals, proud of what they have become, highlight their strengths, guide them on their weaknesses. Explain that you are there for them night and day (just not for a hug) etc... Your daughter may be behaving like a child, but she needs to set an example for her children and grow up. Best wishes , chin up and remember it is up to HER TO DO THE DOING NOT YOU! Ley x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Gollywobbler Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hi Amanda Welcome to Poms in Oz. I am shocked by your account of what has happened. I don't begin to claim that I understand human nature. I don't know anything about the subject. Could it be that your daughter is grieving because you are on your way to Oz and that is a choice that she is never likely to be given? She is obviously furiously angry about something and she clearly wants to hit back at you and to hurt you for some reason. For her to drag an innocent toddler into whatever is bugging her is right off the wall. You know that and she will realise it too as soon as Mother The Punchbag is in Australia and cannot be punched by her any more. I can't offer you any help or any Wise Words but I will keep an eye open for further posts by you on this forum. Meanwhile, I'd recommend a stiff G&T or three to help you to relax and to take your mind off the recent, extremely hurtful, events. Hugs :hug: Gill xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Lass Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hi Amanda, :hug:What a horrible row you've just had. Gill, Noodle and Sharon have said it best and I really haven't got anything useful to add beyond don't take any rash actions - give yourself at least a few days to calm down and think things through. It does sound as though she is feeling distressed because you are moving but that's no reason for her to be such a disagreeable oink! Hopefully she will realise that she's just behaved badly and I hope that between the two of you that you will find a way to be the great friends that all Mothers and daughters should be. Best of luck:smile: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin jc Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hey Amanda First off you have my sympathys, If this whole process is not stressfull enough not having the familys full support must make it so much harder. Maybe it is a selfish thing as in do you look after your grandchild alot? and with another baby on the way things may be even harder for her to deal with alone. I prefer to think yes that may play a small part but the big thing is she may just be afraid to not have your support in person in the future and will miss you much more than she wants to say. Poeple can be cruel as a way of dealing with change and stress, that is not to say you are doing the wrong thing, you have to live your life and im willing to bet once you have gone and no more treating you bad will change your mind she will come round. I hope so. I have a similar thing to, in brief, I only have 1 sister and 1 brother left in imediate family, I had another sister but the dreaded big C took her in 2008 at the age of 38, since then i have been trying to live life, be happy and tick some box's and living in Oz is one of them. Now my brother and remaining sister never really talked much and never got on, since i started the OZ process they have both backed off from me, they think of them not seeing me and my kids and not that my kids might just have a better life in oz. basicaly got the hump. But anyway my point on this is even though they are not talking to me at least they have now started talking to eachother so some good has already come from it. Im sure in the end they will get over it and i really hope in the end your daughter gets over it to and can be happy and supporting of you. Sorry to ramble on. Good Luck All The Best Kev Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pau1evs Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 omg hun xxx i know you said read my post xxx all i can say is i am here xx spk soon hun xxx i will pm you xxx carole Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 It does sound like she is being a spoiled brat - and it also sounds like this is not unusual behaviour for her. I would have said that pushing you away like that could be a defence mechanism, partly anger and partly grief and a good deal of fear at being abandoned (add in the hormones too) but if this isnt out of character then you probably will just have to bite the bullet and do your best to forget. When you are on the other side of the world it will be easier and you can only do what you can - it will probably be better if you arent on skype every day anyway, just makes you realize what you are missing - keep up with the birthdays and Christmases and the occasional phone call if you can but otherwise get used to being out of your daughter and granddaughter's lives. It's probably better for them that way too. :hug: kids can be the very devil sometimes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest martinandmanda Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Thankyou everyone for your replies. Being honest, Quoll has hit the nail on the head. She is spoilt rotten, being the youngest of 3 kids and the only girl, she always got what she wanted and still expects everything HER WAY or NO WAY. I don't think it is anything at all to do with me emigrating as like I said, she is always nasty. Just last weekend I had Niamh (who is 2) sleeping over and she woke early and asked for Mummy. I sent a text to my daughter telling her we were all awake at 7.45am and then another (on behalf of Niamh who was still asking) at 8.30 saying "wake up please" My daughter rang and I passed the phone to Niamh so she could hear her mummy and Niamh passed the phone to me. My daughter was furious that I had woke her up and told me that as I had said I would keep Niamh till 10am that she was going back to sleep and don't disturb her again as she never gets a lie in and put the phone down on me! My daughter is just nasty and spoilt and I suppose my own fault as I gave her everything. However, I was hoping that reaching adulthood and being a mother herself would make her grow up. Really at a loss now and looks like im gonna lose my grandaughter as this time I am not giving in asn being used as a "punchbag" Maybe when Im not there she will realise how good I was to her and maybe even miss me? Time will tell and hopefully she will grow up and regret the way she has treated me. Amanda xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyman Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hi, I have a real dilemma with my daughter (she is 21 and has a 2 year old and any day expecting her 2nd). I see my kids (26 year old son, 24 year old son and daughter)on almost a daily basis and my grandaughter whenever I can. My daughter is making my life a misery as she makes me feel is guilty all the time. My son's are great really apart from the odd text "mum, I can't believe I'm not going to see you for ages and it breaks me heart" However, I have never had any of this from my daughter! In fact she is like a stone and uses every opportunity to rub it in my face that Im not going to see Niamh (my grandaughter) for possibly years! Just today she sent a text then a phone call to ask if I would mind Niamh as she wasn't feeling well (she has been in labour for last 6 months and always tells me she is always ill and being honest I'm sick of hearing about it all) I said yes and went around to collect my grandaughter and basically I over-stayed my welcome as she told me I had to leave as she was going to bed. Now she knows I have no furniture left and I was quite comfy sitting on her sofa just minding Niamh while she sat doing nothing, I even told her to go to bed but this wasn't good enough for her. To cut a long story short, because I told her she was very rude telling me to leave she went mental and told me to get out and I would never see Niamh again and LITERALLY pushed me out of her front door! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BEHAVIOUR. We (the whole family) know she is spoilt and has to have everything her own way but I'm sooooooooo fed up now. I have told my eldest son (who also can't stand being around her) that I really don't care whether I see her again before I leave and I really mean it, however, It will break my heart if I don't get to see Niamh and new baby but feel that i must now make a stand. I am so sick of the abuse she gives me and the upset she causes. Does anyone have any suggestion for me please? I love my daughter and my grandaughter but I really cannot stand the emotional blackmail any more. Is it a case of I am going to have to give up my grandchildren so she cannot use them against me anymore? She wouldn't even let me kiss Niamh goodbye today and told the little girl that Nanny doesn't want to be with her and she will never see me again. This is really tearing me apart. I was hoping to stay in constant touch with Niamh through skype but this depends on her mum (my daughter) connecting computer for this. Should I try and forget I ever had a daughter? (don't know how I will though as I have tried this before and always end up giving in to her) Sorry for such a long thread but I'm just sitting here on my one and only garden chair, really upset and wondering what I can do to make her see that she can't treat me like this anymore. Amanda xx Oh Amanda, you must feel awful! Look, you're right that your daughter is spoiled (sounds like a little brat!!!) BUT, I really think that she is hurting,and still at a young age,can't tell you how she really feels about you leaving,so instead,try's to hurt you. In no way is this ok though,she's been big enough to make two babies, so should be big enough to look after them too! As for using your Grandaughter (and new bub), that's pretty low, but kids are good at that, hit where it really hurts! Sadly, you are not in control,she is. And only a bit of growing up time will sort this out,in her own time. You will always be Grandparents,wherever you are,but your daughter can dictate the terms. But you are in control of your life choices,(I didn't see where you were heading to??), but it must be the right decision for you.....and do you know what.....you go with it!!! We all have to upset our close ones some times in life,but occasionaly,**** happens! Be strong....even with your one garden chair.....and look forward. Your daughter will realise in her own time that she needs you, and you be ready, lots of luck xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest martinandmanda Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 All of your advice has been brilliant and has made me feel a little better (so why am I sitting here on my garden chair crying lol) I will write each of my children letters and post them (that was a really good idea) I'm gonna miss them so much and they know it because I have always been there for them. I can only do so much and I'm worn out now with all the emotional blackmail from my spoilt daughter. I used to think that my daughter was hurt real bad when her father and I divorced but then I remember how she used to play us both off (and still does) and realise she just has a nasty streak in her. I have a lovely new husband now (my ex wasn't that nice to me) and hopefully a lovely new life in Australia (Victoria) and I'm gonna be happy and live MY life as for the past 26 years all I have done is put my children before anything else. My daughter is a good mum to Niamh and no doubt she will be to her new baby but as far as daughters go - she's bloody rubbish!!! Amanda xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pablo Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Best of luck in your new life amanda,hope its all you wish for,and deserve by the sound of it. Hopefully things will work out with your daughter,cliche i know BUT once you've gone she might realise what she had and see sense. All the best!:wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin jc Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hey Amanda With any luck this could be the kick up the backside it sounds like she urgently needs. May even play a massive part in her becoming a better person and a step on the road of growing up. Cheer up Oz is calling :hug: And its not like its the other side of the worl,,,,,,erm,,,a million miles away :wink: Good Luck Kev PS the world really is getting smaller by the day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyman Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Corrrrrrrrect!!!!!!! You go girl, be selfish for once in your life.....it's your turn to live now xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Noodle Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Good for you (she sounds a little like my sister (hard done too, playing our divorced parents off against each other, emotional blackmail when she can't get her own way, bringing up the past and twisting it to try and make you feel bad - oh, I could go on and on). Anyway, stay strong, keep in touch (because if we ever get to Vic I would love to meet you) and always be true to yourself - YOUR TURN HON. All the best Ley x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest martinandmanda Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hey Amanda With any luck this could be the kick up the backside it sounds like she urgently needs. May even play a massive part in her becoming a better person and a step on the road of growing up. Cheer up Oz is calling :hug: And its not like its the other side of the worl,,,,,,erm,,,a million miles away :wink: Good Luck Kev PS the world really is getting smaller by the day. LOL, thankyou. If it means she will grow up then good has come out of all this :twitcy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest martinandmanda Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Good for you (she sounds a little like my sister (hard done too, playing our divorced parents off against each other, emotional blackmail when she can't get her own way, bringing up the past and twisting it to try and make you feel bad - oh, I could go on and on). Anyway, stay strong, keep in touch (because if we ever get to Vic I would love to meet you) and always be true to yourself - YOUR TURN HON. All the best Ley x Daniel? James? (my sons) is that you? LOl. Thankyou so much, you have made me smile (or maybe it's the wine my hubby just brought home?) Nah, not touched me yet lol. Thankyou everyone for being so nice. She is spoilt but like I said, a lovely mum to Niamh (thats Niamh on the drums in my profile pic) and really, thats the most I can ask for I suppose! Amanda xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anlopa Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 I've been that spoilt bratt that you all refur to. I got everything as a child and gave nothing back. I caused loads of upset within my family, and how do I feel about it now (several years on) Crap. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. DO NOT CRY. stay strong and let her have her wish that you will not see your grandchild again, belive me it will do her good, the same happened to me and not being able to tell mum of what my children had achieved, invite her to sports day it broke my heart. I still got birthday and christmas prezzies for the kids which I accepted and made sure my mum amd dad got thanked off the kids. But all the while I longed for my mum and dad I missed talking to them to being near them and it was all my fault if they had given in to me I would have walked over then again, but I had to make the effort to patch things up it was not easy. It has made me a better person and taught me some valuable lessons in life. DONOT GIVE IN PLEASE. this could be the turning point when your daughter realises that you only get one real mum and you do need her. It will be hard and maybe heart breaking but be strong. you got me all welled up now as it as brought back to me what a cow I was, just glad my parents gave me the chance to learn the hardest lesson in life. Love you Mum and Dad Who are in Lanzarotte. How dare they? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alexxxxx Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 I'm not sure if someone has already suggested this.. but may i suggest calling her bluff? As you said she is spoilt so she probably thinks your just going to give in and beg to see your granddaughter and not go and she's got her way. I definitely recommend doing what Noodle said and write them all a letter. When your daughter for once realises she hasn't got her way but knows you still love her and want to still speak to her, then she'll most likely come round. May I suggest not mentioning your granddaughter because she might also be very jealous of the fact your fighting to still see your granddaughter and not her. Unfortunately there are some people that just don't see their bad ways in dealing with things so your daughter isn't going to think she's in the wrong here. But maybe just put all the focus on her that you want to speak to HER and see HER on skype in the letter so that she'll give in. Only a suggestion anyway. Don't give up on your dreams. Some people are very selfish and it's best to never give into them otherwise they'll never learn how to deal with not getting what they want or learning to be happy for other people. I really hope things work out for you!! Lots of hugs Alex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jen and Rob Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hi Amanda, So sorry to hear what you're going through. I know what a wrench it is anyway to be leaving your kids behind (I'm also just about to leave 3 grown up kids and a granddaughter), but incredibly hard when things are like this between you. As Happy Lass advised, try not to say or do anything whilst things are so raw, and give your daughter time to reflect. It sounds as though you are close to your sons...maybe they can mediate when the dust has settled a little? Perhaps they can help her to see that it's not just you she's hurting, but her daughter and new baby too (and herself, though she maybe won't acknowledge that). To echo what Tonyman said, your daughter will realise in her own time that she needs you - and not just to babysit etc! Jenny x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynne1266 Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Hi, I have a real dilemma with my daughter (she is 21 and has a 2 year old and any day expecting her 2nd). I see my kids (26 year old son, 24 year old son and daughter)on almost a daily basis and my grandaughter whenever I can. My daughter is making my life a misery as she makes me feel is guilty all the time. My son's are great really apart from the odd text "mum, I can't believe I'm not going to see you for ages and it breaks me heart" However, I have never had any of this from my daughter! In fact she is like a stone and uses every opportunity to rub it in my face that Im not going to see Niamh (my grandaughter) for possibly years! Just today she sent a text then a phone call to ask if I would mind Niamh as she wasn't feeling well (she has been in labour for last 6 months and always tells me she is always ill and being honest I'm sick of hearing about it all) I said yes and went around to collect my grandaughter and basically I over-stayed my welcome as she told me I had to leave as she was going to bed. Now she knows I have no furniture left and I was quite comfy sitting on her sofa just minding Niamh while she sat doing nothing, I even told her to go to bed but this wasn't good enough for her. To cut a long story short, because I told her she was very rude telling me to leave she went mental and told me to get out and I would never see Niamh again and LITERALLY pushed me out of her front door! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BEHAVIOUR. We (the whole family) know she is spoilt and has to have everything her own way but I'm sooooooooo fed up now. I have told my eldest son (who also can't stand being around her) that I really don't care whether I see her again before I leave and I really mean it, however, It will break my heart if I don't get to see Niamh and new baby but feel that i must now make a stand. I am so sick of the abuse she gives me and the upset she causes. Does anyone have any suggestion for me please? I love my daughter and my grandaughter but I really cannot stand the emotional blackmail any more. Is it a case of I am going to have to give up my grandchildren so she cannot use them against me anymore? She wouldn't even let me kiss Niamh goodbye today and told the little girl that Nanny doesn't want to be with her and she will never see me again. This is really tearing me apart. I was hoping to stay in constant touch with Niamh through skype but this depends on her mum (my daughter) connecting computer for this. Should I try and forget I ever had a daughter? (don't know how I will though as I have tried this before and always end up giving in to her) Sorry for such a long thread but I'm just sitting here on my one and only garden chair, really upset and wondering what I can do to make her see that she can't treat me like this anymore. Amanda xx Hi Amanda, I'm so sorry to hear you trouble you are having with your daughter, it must be a real heart breaker. Now for my view.....you cant ever forget you have a daughter, good or bad she is you daughter. Your daughter needs to realise that you have had your children and its your turn to live the life you want and follow your dreams, and, as much as we love our grandchildren....they are our grandchildren NOT our children. She is obviously thinking of no one but her self and in my opinion has had it too easy, its time for her to take the full responsibility for her own children and her life, after all thats what we have to do when we have babies !!. I really don't think that if you make the move that you will never see her or the grandchildren again if anything it should make her realise how much she took you for granted, who know she may even bring out to see you and probably leave them with you for visits ( if thats what you want obviously !! ). Dont let your daughter dictate your life to you, I have 2 daughters not coming with me, 1 has a 9mths old and the other is expecting a baby in December, I will really miss them but this is something I want to do and we will all try our hardest to see each other as much as possible....quality is better tha quantity !!!!! Take care and enjoy the rest of YOUR life Lynne xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Kids eh? If only we could get them to understand just how vital their parents are. Its only when they are gone that we think about all the horrible things we have said and done to them. She will one day realise this, luckily for her you wont be deceased but within reach on the other side of the world. Chin up hun I am sure its nothing to do with you, merely the way she expresses herself is still rather immature. You may have to bite the bullet and wait for her to come around ( which she will eventually ) but it is a painful wait thats for sure:unsure: One thing that I was told once by a child psychologist that in their opinion children are not emotionally mature until they are 25!!!:arghh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 One thing that I was told once by a child psychologist that in their opinion children are not emotionally mature until they are 25!!!:arghh: Not just an opinion there either, there is evidence of brain development right through until 25. Michael Carr Gregg says that kids should never be allowed to make a life altering decision until they are 25:biglaugh: OP, hang in there, she will grow up one day and hopefully become an adult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Noodle Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Sorry Amanda just going to go of thread a little... I'm 39 and still mess up, what is my excuse? lol xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ozzbound Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 Sending you a big :hug: I know it must be hard as we all are guilty of spoiling our children in some way me especially! It must be very difficult that you are moving and your daughter must be feeling that due to her behaviour. She is probably distraught and this emotional blackmail is the only way she can express how she feels - which is wrong. I would tell her that you will always be there for her and that you love her but will not be drawn into this emotional mess but you are ready to talk whenever she is ready. However only do this if you know someone close who can keep you updated on her emotional and physical wellbeing due to her pregnancy. It will be very hard to sort out the emotional side of this once you have moved and you and your daughter need to find some common ground and rules before you move so that you are not completely stressed with moving and the emotions of the family left behind. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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