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bug family

five years since last post and a rolleroaster ride of stress and emotions

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Hi all, hope you are well, ...sorry for the long post

It's been some 5 years since I last posted on here....5 long years  and 8 years since we  (we being wife and little boy) moved from the UK  to Perth and a rollercoaster of a ride and an extra child  (little girl) since then, what has changed well, I still miss home (the UK), I did so from the very first week!, saying that I was always 'one of them people' who loved going on holiday but also couldn't wait to go home.... so I guess now that the honeymoon period, where it is expected that after this point, say 2 years you know if you love it or hate has well and truly lapsed, I can say for sure that this is not the place for me, the mind-numbing bordem and lack of culture has litterally sapped my soul...it is like a wedding buffet...its all the same repeated, suburb by suburb, you could place me in one suburb then apply a blind fold and take me to another and I would swear I was in the same place ...its the same shops same sandy beach, same idiots doing burnouts in ridiculous cars (driven  by  morons who think they can drive),  Aussie football, bbq's, alcohol, drink driving all topped off with an unhealthy dose of methamphetamine (the meth use here is some of the worse on our planet) and scorching heat and not much else, day in and day out. (<---- just my opinion)

Anyhoo in the 8 long years I have had a massive change of direction ......originally we came out here happy and healthy  (never underestimate what stress will do to you read on).....on a skilled visa and I worked as a boilermaker, I worked in a couple of engineering shops and even the megabucks of FIFO in the oil and gas industry, I hated FIFO, yes the money was good but I missed my kids massively (away for a month at a time and back for just over a week), I had this constant ache of wanting to go home (as in the UK), combined with the stress of working away, combined with a wife that loves it here along with her parents and brother and never wants to leave...she told me that if I leave I do so on my own, ( I have no family or friends here other than my children) this all built up .......and then bang.......one day i woke up and my heart was not beating right, I was missing beats, I had to go to the emergency dept and long story short I was cardioverted which in lay mans terms means my heart was shocked by a defibrillator to put it back in rhythm, this happend again about a year later (it is very scary and you litterally feel like you are going to die)....ontop of this I was recently diagnosed with having an autoimmune illness possibly caused by stress, rheumatoid arthritis ..i now have this for life!!  and i am in my forties and came here healthy and happy.....(by the way there are no heart problems or rheumatoid arthritis history in my family)...I left the UK never having been ill...ever...I am convinced the stress of living here and the daily ache to go home etc  has caused this...but what is done is done ...so I decided to make a change

I gave up working in the engineering industry and have had a complete change of career, you see i worked whilst my wife studied and got her nursing degree and then I figured it was my turn, I got a job as an orderly in an emergency dept as a start, a total change from welding and engineering, I always fancied working in medicine...this job is a massive eye-opener and a great levelor.... rich or poor, young or old, they all come through the door, from all walks of life from all parts of the world, .....since working in emergency I have seen the good and the not so good and the really sad.... I have sat and held a hand of those that are scared, had a chat and a cup of tea with the elderly, been spat on and abused by those under the influence and even performed CPR many times in a resus bay and I am one of those who respectfully takes a body to the morgue once life has gone......working in this environment has brought into focus that life really...i mean really is to short...i see it every day...anyhow it is just over two years since i started this new job and change of career and what an absolute different job it is....so i decided to also go one step further and study and am now in my second year of paramedicine and hope to qualify as a paramedic in a couple of years time...as you can see a rollercoaster of a change in direction.

The reason for this long-winded post, well i see now that Australia for me has been a massive learning experience some good and some bad, I cannot change my feelings for home and miss it sometimes every day but, my new career should stand me in good stead for when I go back home in hopefully a few years time and Australia has given me that opportunity to have a change and i am forever thankful of that....would i have never come or should i say do i wish i had never come here......i would say probably not as i would always have had that longing to see what this life would have been like .....if i could have one more wish it would be that my wife and children would also come home with me, but i am pretty sure that will not happen.....which means I have another bridge to cross in a few years time, one that I fear will be the most difficult of all, that is leaving them here whilst I go it alone........have a nice day, take care and thanks for reading 🙂

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It seems you have been stressed and miserable for a long time (reading your old posts) and a lot of it has been caused by your wife putting her family before you.  Are the in-laws still living with you?  Hope they are now long gone.  No doubt the stress you were living with caused your illness.

It's very good that you have had a career change and that you are now half way to being a paramedic.  You seem to be happy about that so that's a bonus.

A lot of people seem to find Perth boring.  You could have moved to a different part of Australia if you disliked it so much or did your wife put a stop to that too?  We moved from Perth years ago to settle in Sydney with two toddlers who are now grown men.

Anyway, I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you one way or another.  😀

 

Edited by Toots
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I'm so sorry to hear your story.  I'm convinced there are two types of people in this world - the nomads and the homebodies. 

The nomads are the ones that make successful migrants:  they can make a home anywhere, any time.   They may think fondly of their old country but they don't care whether they ever go back.

The homebodies have a deep, enduring attachment to their home country and can never be 100% happy when they're not on home soil.  They will always feel as though something is missing.   It's hard to explain to others because there's no logic to it, it's just a fundamental part of their being.   Often, they have no idea how they feel until the way back to their homeland is closed.  I think that's you.

I'd advise you to stop bad-mouthing Perth, because it won't do you any favour with Australians - and in reality, the city's faults have nothing to do with why you're unhappy.  It wouldn't matter if you were living in a gilded palace with 24-hour entertainment, you'd still feel adrift.  

It's an awful decision when you have to leave your children behind, but unfortunately the homesickness is never likely to go away, so you may have no alternative in the end.  

One thing I'd say - make sure you get your citizenship before you leave.  I know of Brits in your situation who are horrified at the idea of getting citizenship, because they never want to live in Australia again and want no connection with it - but the fact is, you have Australian children and therefore it's vitally important to ensure you can travel back and forth freely whenever and for however long you need to (for instance, if a child took seriously ill).   

Edited by Marisawright
  • Like 5

Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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@bug family I can empathise with some of your post, have similar feelings myself. I am tired of the rinse-and-repeat nature of Perth, it does have a shelf-life, for me anyway. And like you, I am not sorry I came, I have had some good times here but I will leave with a better awareness of what is important, and what isn't, and what I want to do with the rest of my life. And I don't want to do it here.

Good luck with it all.

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Just made me think, I developed an arrhythmia whilst in my first, extremely stressful job, in Australia. I did attribute it to the stress of the bullying at that time. I still have it but I don’t feel it very often now. Doesn’t mean it’s gone but.....

So happy you have started in such a meaningful career you are enjoying. It’s half the battle, we spend so much time at work. 

Sad that you are in a mental space that you are probably going to have to leave your children in Australia. But if you need to do that I assume you have not made that decision lightly.

 I wish you all the best. I returned in June last year after 13 years in Melbourne and feel like a different person. It was only the last couple of years that I got twitchy, the first 10 years I was as happy as a lark!

In other news the NHS would love another paramedic!

Good luck with whatever you decide. Be happy.

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What a roller coaster indeed but good on you for redirecting your life down a pathway of your own choosing to something that love doing. You never know your luck down the track you might get a compromise hiatus period from your wife for at least a sabbatical in UK or a longer term compromise of a move elsewhere in the country (but it's still Australia).  Crunch point though, you have to look after your mental health and if Australia is irritating it, the irritation had to be excised but don't leave it until you are past the point of no return.  Good luck!

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3 hours ago, Marisawright said:

I'm so sorry to hear your story.  I'm convinced there are two types of people in this world - the nomads and the homebodies. 

The nomads are the ones that make successful migrants:  they can make a home anywhere, any time.   They may think fondly of their old country but they don't care whether they ever go back.

The homebodies have a deep, enduring attachment to their home country and can never be 100% happy when they're not on home soil.  They will always feel as though something is missing.   It's hard to explain to others because there's no logic to it, it's just a fundamental part of their being.   Often, they have no idea how they feel until the way back to their homeland is closed.  I think that's you.

I'd advise you to stop bad-mouthing Perth, because it won't do you any favour with Australians - and in reality, the city's faults have nothing to do with why you're unhappy.  It wouldn't matter if you were living in a gilded palace with 24-hour entertainment, you'd still feel adrift.  

It's an awful decision when you have to leave your children behind, but unfortunately the homesickness is never likely to go away, so you may have no alternative in the end.  

One thing I'd say - make sure you get your citizenship before you leave.  I know of Brits in your situation who are horrified at the idea of getting citizenship, because they never want to live in Australia again and want no connection with it - but the fact is, you have Australian children and therefore it's vitally important to ensure you can travel back and forth freely whenever and for however long you need to (for instance, if a child took seriously ill).   

Totally agree with your sentiment about the nomads and homebodies ....but as iam finding now, the nomads ,who are starting to look back on their lives , and the single minded path they have trodden ,are now starting to have regrets iam seeing this personally right now .

Family trying to make up for lost time, as they now have time for contemplation in retirement

Trying to glue back the pieces 

 

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BUT I DONT FEEL AFRAID

AS LONG AS I GAZE AT

WATERLOO SUNSET

IAM IN PARADISE

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4 hours ago, bug family said:

Hi all, hope you are well, ...sorry for the long post

It's been some 5 years since I last posted on here....5 long years  and 8 years since we  (we being wife and little boy) moved from the UK  to Perth and a rollercoaster of a ride and an extra child  (little girl) since then, what has changed well, I still miss home (the UK), I did so from the very first week!, saying that I was always 'one of them people' who loved going on holiday but also couldn't wait to go home.... so I guess now that the honeymoon period, where it is expected that after this point, say 2 years you know if you love it or hate has well and truly lapsed, I can say for sure that this is not the place for me, the mind-numbing bordem and lack of culture has litterally sapped my soul...it is like a wedding buffet...its all the same repeated, suburb by suburb, you could place me in one suburb then apply a blind fold and take me to another and I would swear I was in the same place ...its the same shops same sandy beach, same idiots doing burnouts in ridiculous cars (driven  by  morons who think they can drive),  Aussie football, bbq's, alcohol, drink driving all topped off with an unhealthy dose of methamphetamine (the meth use here is some of the worse on our planet) and scorching heat and not much else, day in and day out. (<---- just my opinion)

Anyhoo in the 8 long years I have had a massive change of direction ......originally we came out here happy and healthy  (never underestimate what stress will do to you read on).....on a skilled visa and I worked as a boilermaker, I worked in a couple of engineering shops and even the megabucks of FIFO in the oil and gas industry, I hated FIFO, yes the money was good but I missed my kids massively (away for a month at a time and back for just over a week), I had this constant ache of wanting to go home (as in the UK), combined with the stress of working away, combined with a wife that loves it here along with her parents and brother and never wants to leave...she told me that if I leave I do so on my own, ( I have no family or friends here other than my children) this all built up .......and then bang.......one day i woke up and my heart was not beating right, I was missing beats, I had to go to the emergency dept and long story short I was cardioverted which in lay mans terms means my heart was shocked by a defibrillator to put it back in rhythm, this happend again about a year later (it is very scary and you litterally feel like you are going to die)....ontop of this I was recently diagnosed with having an autoimmune illness possibly caused by stress, rheumatoid arthritis ..i now have this for life!!  and i am in my forties and came here healthy and happy.....(by the way there are no heart problems or rheumatoid arthritis history in my family)...I left the UK never having been ill...ever...I am convinced the stress of living here and the daily ache to go home etc  has caused this...but what is done is done ...so I decided to make a change

I gave up working in the engineering industry and have had a complete change of career, you see i worked whilst my wife studied and got her nursing degree and then I figured it was my turn, I got a job as an orderly in an emergency dept as a start, a total change from welding and engineering, I always fancied working in medicine...this job is a massive eye-opener and a great levelor.... rich or poor, young or old, they all come through the door, from all walks of life from all parts of the world, .....since working in emergency I have seen the good and the not so good and the really sad.... I have sat and held a hand of those that are scared, had a chat and a cup of tea with the elderly, been spat on and abused by those under the influence and even performed CPR many times in a resus bay and I am one of those who respectfully takes a body to the morgue once life has gone......working in this environment has brought into focus that life really...i mean really is to short...i see it every day...anyhow it is just over two years since i started this new job and change of career and what an absolute different job it is....so i decided to also go one step further and study and am now in my second year of paramedicine and hope to qualify as a paramedic in a couple of years time...as you can see a rollercoaster of a change in direction.

The reason for this long-winded post, well i see now that Australia for me has been a massive learning experience some good and some bad, I cannot change my feelings for home and miss it sometimes every day but, my new career should stand me in good stead for when I go back home in hopefully a few years time and Australia has given me that opportunity to have a change and i am forever thankful of that....would i have never come or should i say do i wish i had never come here......i would say probably not as i would always have had that longing to see what this life would have been like .....if i could have one more wish it would be that my wife and children would also come home with me, but i am pretty sure that will not happen.....which means I have another bridge to cross in a few years time, one that I fear will be the most difficult of all, that is leaving them here whilst I go it alone........have a nice day, take care and thanks for reading 🙂

Hey , dont be so bloody hard on yourself .

Depending on where you are from in the u.k , can cloud your judgement .

If I left the west midlands tomorrow , I wouldnt miss it.

I would miss solihull , going down the blues ,and my mates.

But the west midlands , not at all .

Take the rose tinted glasses off ,and be bloody proud of yourself for having a go.

You are officially a doer not a talker.

Iam currently sat on the motorway services on the m5 in brum 

The weather is a bit drizzly , after a great run .

I will swap you for a week 

You can sit in the traffic , and I will go and sit on the beach , that might clear your mind .

Dont be too hard on yourself 

 

 

 

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BUT I DONT FEEL AFRAID

AS LONG AS I GAZE AT

WATERLOO SUNSET

IAM IN PARADISE

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Just now, bunbury61 said:

Hey , dont be so bloody hard on yourself .

Depending on where you are from in the u.k , can cloud your judgement .

If I left the west midlands tomorrow , I wouldnt miss it.

I would miss solihull , going down the blues ,and my mates.

But the west midlands , not at all .

Take the rose tinted glasses off ,and be bloody proud of yourself for having a go.

You are officially a doer not a talker.

Iam currently sat on the motorway services on the m5 in brum 

The weather is a bit drizzly , after a great run .

I will swap you for a week 

You can sit in the traffic , and I will go and sit on the beach , that might clear your mind .

Dont be too hard on yourself 

 

 

 

P.s it probably is stress - mixed with anxiety ,is a dangerous cocktail.

My wife and myself have been put through the tumble dryer of life , here in the u.k.

What it ultimately does , when you survive , is to make you sharper, wiser, and less prone to accept BS from people or life in general 

I can see vividly, the selfishness and greed, and me,me,me within people now .

Just let all that go, and move on , taking the important things with you .

Family is the most important thing , not england or australia - and the love of that family 

 

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BUT I DONT FEEL AFRAID

AS LONG AS I GAZE AT

WATERLOO SUNSET

IAM IN PARADISE

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You obviously don't like the general environment in Perth. Many would share your observations. You've experienced a better life and you want that back. What you need to decide first and foremost is whether a change of environment will help? Have you considered leaving Perth for another place in Oz? The culture etc will be (mostly) the same but the change of environment might just do you good.

The next thing to try would be living back in the UK for a month or two and seeing if you like it. That way you will be in the best informed position to decide with a degree of accuracy.

Many blokes chase the big bucks in the mines and O&G in Australia but it is really, really detrimental to their health in the long run. For many reasons. It is good that you made your money and had the sense to get out early.

You have to do what makes you happy.

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Posted (edited)
On 28/02/2019 at 20:22, bunbury61 said:

P.s it probably is stress - mixed with anxiety ,is a dangerous cocktail.

My wife and myself have been put through the tumble dryer of life , here in the u.k.

What it ultimately does , when you survive , is to make you sharper, wiser, and less prone to accept BS from people or life in general 

I can see vividly, the selfishness and greed, and me,me,me within people now .

Just let all that go, and move on , taking the important things with you .

Family is the most important thing , not england or australia - and the love of that family 

 

Good post bunbury61.  I've always steered clear of selfish greedy people and bullsh!tters too.  They make me feel very uncomfortable.  Give me a modest quiet life any day.  As far as family goes - outside my OH and two sons I only have my sister and she is staying with us for 3 months just now.  My OH also has just one sister.   Hopefully she and her OH will be coming to stay for a while in 2020.  They all live in the UK.  How is your Mum?

Edited by Toots
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I'm on the other side of the fence and absolutely love Perth and everything about it. I think if I'd stayed in the UK I would be 15 stone at least, in the pub every night and a good darts and dominoes player. Maybe divorced at least once, like most of my mates back in the UK.

Here I'm fit, do something sportwise just about every day, doing a triathlon in a couple of weeks and just finished the surf club comps for another year.

Sounds like you've never liked it mate and you should have gone back ages ago. Pity that your wife and the rest of the family seem to love it and that would have brought on the stress and dislike.

It's tough to end a relationship.

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Posted (edited)
On 28/02/2019 at 19:58, bunbury61 said:

Totally agree with your sentiment about the nomads and homebodies ....but as iam finding now, the nomads ,who are starting to look back on their lives , and the single minded path they have trodden ,are now starting to have regrets iam seeing this personally right now .

I'm sorry to hear you're having regrets. I think the true nomads never feel those regrets.  

My oh and I tried to settle back in the UK for similar reasons - both feeling a bit disconnected in Australia after his mother died so we had no one left here - but I soon discovered that England wasn't the answer, and my family were all too busy with their own lives to supply us with the company we were seeking.  We are now in Melbourne and getting involved in U3a and making friends our own age which is far more satisfactory.

Edited by Marisawright
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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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19 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

I'm sorry to hear you're having regrets. I think the true nomads never feel those regrets.  

My oh and I tried to settle back in the UK for similar reasons - both feeling a bit disconnected in Australia after his mother died so we had no one left here - but I soon discovered that England wasn't the answer, and my family were all too busy with their own lives to supply us with the company we were seeking.  We are now in Melbourne and getting involved in U3a and making friends our own age which is far more satisfactory.

Iam not having regrets marisa - its others withib my family.

If I was more selfish , I may be having them now , over in oz .

Mom is 90  and on her own ,here in the u.k .( except for us )

Onwards and upwards , we have done so much , and our time is about to get even better.

No guilt and no regrets , but it hasn't been easy.

Others have walked away and left us to it, emotionally and financially  - but our sun is just appearing over the horizon , and its going to be  huge .

In relation to nomads not having regrets , I disagree .

When the time comes when you can only sit in a chair , and you only have your tjoughts ,looking back ,thats when it comes.

It's happened a few times in tbe past ,with extended members of my family 

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BUT I DONT FEEL AFRAID

AS LONG AS I GAZE AT

WATERLOO SUNSET

IAM IN PARADISE

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Just to say a big thank you all for your input and comments, I appreciate the different points of view and advice, ....just got to qualify now 🚑 and then see where it takes me.....i guess my heart never left home ♥️....watch this space 😉 🇬🇧

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Just wondering if your wife has any idea about the depth of your feelings? If not, it could be devastating for her and your children when you take off back to the UK, can you not talk it through with them?

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2 hours ago, starlight7 said:

Just wondering if your wife has any idea about the depth of your feelings? If not, it could be devastating for her and your children when you take off back to the UK, can you not talk it through with them?

Hello starlight7,

I have spoken to my wife at length and on many occasions, but she has firmly told me that its Australia or I go it alone, she will not compromise as her parents and brother have moved here, which I can understand in a way as she is very close to her mum, but it also says to me that I obviously do not figure very high on her list of priorities,🙄 which is a shame as when we came out to Australia we where so in love and very close, we are still good friends but no longer a proper married couple, the stress of everything has changed us (we have not slept together for years)....as for leaving the children that is going to be the hardest decision for me, they are still young (6 and 11) and I love them and would miss them terribly, but I also feel I cannot spend another ten years or so here waiting for them to get older and gain independence,  firstly I fear I would go mad and secondly if I can get resettled back in the UK before they reach teenage years they would visit and get to know the UK as a child, which I feel is important, as otherwise thry will probably only ever see Australia as home and I want them to experience what the UK has as a child, as they may also want to live there when they are older...if that makes sense 😝, also if I wait much longer I feel I may be to old to re settle and gain empl;oyment, I am in my mid forties now

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Fair enough- and thanks for your reply.  Not a good situation for you - hopefully the kids will be allowed to visit you if and when you go over there.Very hard decisions for you and I wish you all the luck and best wishes in the world.

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37 minutes ago, starlight7 said:

Fair enough- and thanks for your reply.  Not a good situation for you - hopefully the kids will be allowed to visit you if and when you go over there.Very hard decisions for you and I wish you all the luck and best wishes in the world.

Thank you starlight7 😀

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