Advice on returning to UK

[Guest]

My Husband and I migrated to Queensland 30 years ago with our 3 Sons. However, last year I lost my Husband to Esophagus cancer and now I’m alone. 

We didn’t make friends in all those years only work acquaintances as we only ever needed eachother and had been very happy.

We had already lost our eldest Son 8 years ago, family row and now he’s gone stubborn. Didn’t want to know when his Dad was ill or when he died, so he has to live with that decision now. He’s 45.Our youngest Son has had so much money from me and now decided he’s not paying me back and wants nothing more to do with me. It’s his birthday tomorrow he’s 36 and I don’t know a phone number or address.

The third Son who is 42 is a complete bully. Tells me I’m going mad, speaks abusive to me then denies ever saying anything. He’s constantly nit picking at me and I wonder if I am going bonkers. It’s so cruel. I’m alone every day all day and since my loss I’m struggling to go out so order groceries online.

My Husband worried allot how I would cope on my own and I always put a brave face on things, now he’s gone my boys seem to be rotten to the core because Dads not around to pull them into line.

I’m 65 and receive the Australian and British pension and wondering if returning to UK would be an easy transition for me. I’m an only one so don’t have family but my Husbands side said if I do return they will help me to re adjust to a new life.

I will have to rent a place back in UK, but wondered how easy it would be for me to make the leap and if I could manage financially.

Financially I feel I’m better off in Australia, but emotionally and mentally I’d be better off in UK around family.

My grief is settling and not as intense but I feel so broken inside with no one to talk to.

Sorry it’s a long chat. Before migrating I lived in Southport UK but I hear it’s not so nice now. 

Thanks for reading 

 

 

 

 

[EvieV]

Hi Livvy, I'm afraid I can't offer any financial advice but just wanted to say it's very brave of you to reach out here for help. It sounds like you've been through a dreadful time and you now need to do what's best for you, mentally and emotionally - which is to return to the UK. I'm sorry to hear about your sons but hopefully you can create a new family bond with your husband's side. I really hope you can get some advice about pensions from somebody on here and best of luck with your (hopefully) new start.

[Marisawright]

I'm so sorry your sons are so unsupportive.  It must be awful for you.

I know what you mean about not making friends. I was like that with my first husband, he was my best friend and we did everything together (except work!), and looking back, I think our little bubble discouraged other friendships. He ran off with a student and I found myself all alone at 40 with only one good friend in Australia, who fortunately was fabulous and my lifeline. I met my second husband at 50, but I'm mindful of the importance of friendships this time!

One good thing about going back to the UK is that your British pension payments would probably increase. Currently, as you probably know it's stuck ("frozen") at the same rate for the rest of your life, whereas once you're in the UK, you'll get any increases that happen.  You may also be able to claim your Australian work experience to boost the British pension, if you're not already on the full rate, and you may eventually qualify for some additional payments that are only available to residents.

I certainly wouldn't be migrating anywhere south of London, because the rentals would be too expensive.  People commute from as far away as Bournemouth now, and it's pushed the prices up to a ridiculous degree.  Of course you have to consider that going further North would feel cold, especially after all those years on the Sunshine Coast.

Edited July 6, 2018 by Marisawright

[Guest]

Thank you Evie and Marisa. When I make the decision to go home to UK, I get excited at the new chapter and adventure, but when the night time comes and I lock up for the night, I get scared of making a mistake I cannot undo if it all went wrong.

I wonder if the British pension is enough to live on back in UK, but on the other hand I’m fortunate to also receive the Aussie pension as a top up.

Would I receive rent assistance in UK? Would I receive rates assistance too?

Im at a point in my life that I have to walk away from my Sons once and for all. They are just too rotten and are making me ill emotionally. I feel like they don’t deserve me as Mother, iv done nothing wrong.

I would probably rent in Southport, or Ainsdale. Iv also read up on One Vision Housing which I think is like council, but will I be entitled to get one?

If I could only see what the future holds. My Husband always told me I was strong and I’m trying to be.

wEhen my Husband was living my middle Son bought us a home and we rented it from him for $400 a week. My Husband and I renovated it completely for him out of our own money, $40,000. When my Husband died my Son wanted the profit on the house of $165,000, so I moved out and he’s kept the whole amount. I could write a bloody book, it would be a best seller lol

[Marisawright]

3 hours ago, livvy7 said:

I wonder if the British pension is enough to live on back in UK, but on the other hand I’m fortunate to also receive the Aussie pension as a top up.

Would I receive rent assistance in UK? Would I receive rates assistance too?

Day to day living expenses are much the same in the UK as they are here in Australia.  The only thing you'd need to check is how much your rent would be, compared to how much your rent is where you live now.  You can get some idea on Zoopla.co.uk

You would qualify for a bus pass (which means all buses are free) and also free prescriptions, immediately. I don't know about other benefits - you would probably have to wait for a qualifying period before you could claim. 

[Guest]

Thanks Marisa, I’ll do my homework then make a decision. Hopefully it will be the right one.

[ange11]

Hi Livvy.  I thought I would reply.  You have to do what makes you happy, and stuff everyone else. If England is calling you, then go back to England for a holiday, to check out if you can afford it, if you like it, etc, not sure how you get both pensions, but lucky you as it should make it affordable.   If you find it to be what you where expecting then move back.  

Remember its important that you are happy, and that you look out for you.  

 

 

 

[ange11]

oh I forgot to add.  my brother was out recently, and he advises that food, etc is way cheaper in the uk than australia.  

[Guest]

Thanks Ange. Iv heard that the cost of living is cheaper in UK. 

Thank you for your reply 

[Marisawright]

5 minutes ago, ange11 said:

Hi Livvy.  I thought I would reply.  You have to do what makes you happy, and stuff everyone else. If England is calling you, then go back to England for a holiday, to check out if you can afford it, if you like it, etc, not sure how you get both pensions, but lucky you as it should make it affordable.   If you find it to be what you where expecting then move back.  

Remember its important that you are happy, and that you look out for you. 

You can indeed get both pensions. In fact when you reach retirement age, Centrelink will make you apply for the British pension first, before they assess your entitlement to the Australian pension.  Of course you don't get the full pension from either country - for the UK one it's pro rata depending on how many years you paid NI contributions, and the Australian one is means-tested.  But it all helps!

 

[Guest]

Hi Marisa

I already receive both pensions, so that side is taken care of. It’s making the decision to go that’s so hard.

My Son says UK is a shithole and I will come crawling back and he will have to bail me out. He makes me second guess myself. But once I make that decision I will never look back.

[Toots]

I am so saddened to read your post about how badly your sons are treating you.  You can get help if necessary.

Elder abuse

Elder abuse is any act within a relationship of trust that harms an older person. It can be physical, sexual, financial or psychological abuse or neglect.

Call the Elder Abuse Helpline (9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday) for free and confidential advice for anyone experiencing elder abuse or who suspects someone they know may be experiencing elder abuse. Phone 1300 651 192 (Queensland only) or 07 3867 2525 (rest of Australia).

Legal support is available for seniors experiencing elder abuse, as well as other support services.

[Marisawright]

1 hour ago, livvy7 said:

Hi Marisa

I already receive both pensions, so that side is taken care of. It’s making the decision to go that’s so hard.

My Son says UK is a shithole and I will come crawling back and he will have to bail me out. He makes me second guess myself. But once I make that decision I will never look back.

Rubbish.  Just take a look around these forums and you'll find lots of stories of families who went back to the UK and are very happy with their decision.  Everyone is different.  Australia suits me better than Scotland ever did, but other people prefer Scotland to Australia.  There are good things and bad things about every country, but you can't change yourself.  If you feel  more at home somewhere else, that's where you'll be happiest.

I'd say there are two possibilities when it comes to your son.  Either he'd like to go back himself but can't, so he tries to make himself feel better by pretending he'd hate it.  Or, he just wants to keep you around because you're a handy punching bag.   Either way, I think you should phone that Helpline that Toots mentioned. It's confidential and you don't need to do anything unless you want to, but it will help to talk to someone who knows all the ins and outs.

[starlight7]

All countries have nasty areas.  The trick is to identify an affordable nice area where you could live comfortably. Do your homework because you don't want to end up in a depressing crime ridden hole. No one here will tell you where these places are though- you will have to look elsewhere and ask recently arrived migrants and those with recent experience- pick their brains.  Take your time and plan, plan, plan. Best of luck whatever you decide. I have a sneaking suspicion your sons would miss you very much.

[Quoll]

It sounds to me like you need to be free of your abusive sons! I’m really sorry that you have had to put up with so much cr*p from them.  Look after yourself, number one! I think the hotline number Toots suggested is an excellent idea. 

Choose the area you live in and you’ll never look back and your sons can stew in their own juice! Personally I’ve found U.K. very welcoming, the cost of living generally less than Australia (food etc) and much more to do for we wrinklies (I’m a bit older than you!).  

[SusieRoo]

Sounds like a big change and the move to the UK is a good plan, although it's not going to be easy. I can understand why you don't want to go out to the shops, but you should really try and do this. Staying at home all day on your own is not doing you any good and you need some human contact even if it's just ordering a coffee or buying your groceries. Then try and build your confidence and join a group or a club of some sort. Good luck and well done for reaching out.

[LKC]

Gosh, I hate to say it but your sons sound awful.  How anyone could treat their parent/s like that is beyond comprehension to me.

The UK is most certainly not a shithole!  The cost of living is cheaper for most things, people are on the whole friendly, there are lots of community things going on for people of all ages, and if you pick your area carefully, you could quite easily create a brand new and much better life for yourself.  Sure, there are bad areas and not everything is perfect, but you get bad stuff wherever you live.

Do you have any idea where you might think of moving?  Where are your husband's family based?

[Melbpom]

Hi Livvy,

I've just returned to the UK after 30 years in Australia and what I really notice is the kindness of people. To give you an example I am a carer for my profoundly disabled son and here absolute strangers say hello to him all the time. In Australia we were invisible. Rarely did anyone offer to help or say hello.

I think you will find the same kindness when you move back.

[Chortlepuss]

I have just come back from the UK after a months stay during which I visited my mum in Exmouth. Also travelled extensively through the South East (where I grew up and lived). Whilst the effects of austerity are noticeable, one thing I took away was how friendly people seemed and just how much there is to do for pensioners through local clubs, trips, leisure centres, U3A etc..it was beautiful weather (each time I head back I seem to hit a sunny spell). My immediate family are here in Australia but apart from that I have very few friends and the loneliness and lack of purpose makes for a strange life. I am desperately hoping to retire back in UK. I am so sorry that your sons are behaving so badly but you owe it to yourself to have the best life you can. My sister is considering retiring to the Mumbles in Wales - I know next to nothing about it but she mentioned how lovely the people were. Exmouth as I mentioned was great for retirees - I hope you find a great place to live. Will be scary but worth it.

[ramot]

3 hours ago, Chortlepuss said:

I have just come back from the UK after a months stay during which I visited my mum in Exmouth. Also travelled extensively through the South East (where I grew up and lived). Whilst the effects of austerity are noticeable, one thing I took away was how friendly people seemed and just how much there is to do for pensioners through local clubs, trips, leisure centres, U3A etc..it was beautiful weather (each time I head back I seem to hit a sunny spell). My immediate family are here in Australia but apart from that I have very few friends and the loneliness and lack of purpose makes for a strange life. I am desperately hoping to retire back in UK. I am so sorry that your sons are behaving so badly but you owe it to yourself to have the best life you can. My sister is considering retiring to the Mumbles in Wales - I know next to nothing about it but she mentioned how lovely the people were. Exmouth as I mentioned was great for retirees - I hope you find a great place to live. Will be scary but worth it.

I’m sure Exmouth is great for retirees, but in case you don’t know so is Australia,  Sorry it just makes me a bit cross as someone who retired 15 years ago that there is this myth that there is nothing for us here. We have every club/activity you can think of, and yes also U3A. Probus groups, Smith family, men’s shed, to name just a few, plus the weather is better for my old bones. I go back to UK for about 3 months every year, won’t criticise the place, but do have a fair idea that you can have a good retired life in both countries. Also I tend to smile at people in both countries, and find very little difference in either. It depends if you are comparing like for like. Not many smile in Sydney or London, but smaller places are generally more friendly.

[KBear]

I do feel for you and can understand completely where you are coming from.  I am so sorry that you are being treated badly by your sons.  Unfortunately my husband is not well and I will have to face the same situation as you before too long.   I am fortunate that my family are very supportive but they do not live locally. We thought about going back to the UK ourselves until my husband became ill and I half considered doing it alone but don’t know whether I would be able to do as I also don’t really have any family left there,  I do have a son in Europe but don’t think he will stay there,

 

Your post has made me think again.  It does take a lot of courage to make such a big move at our age and I wish you all the best.  Please keep us posted.

[Toots]

You say your husband's side of the family (who live in the UK) will help you to adjust to a new life there   .......................  I'd say go for it!!  I agree with Starlight - start planning a move very carefully and gather all the information you need to know about your move from your UK relatives.  Do they live in the Southport/Ainsdale area?  If so, find out from them about housing etc.    Not seeing your sons will be no loss - in fact I think it would be a relief to get away from them - and you have no close friends in Australia so really you have nothing to keep you here.

By the way the UK is definitely not a shithole!  

I hope everything works out for you.

Edited July 7, 2018 by Toots

[tea4too]

14 hours ago, ramot said:

I’m sure Exmouth is great for retirees, but in case you don’t know so is Australia,  Sorry it just makes me a bit cross as someone who retired 15 years ago that there is this myth that there is nothing for us here. We have every club/activity you can think of, and yes also U3A. Probus groups, Smith family, men’s shed, to name just a few, plus the weather is better for my old bones. I go back to UK for about 3 months every year, won’t criticise the place, but do have a fair idea that you can have a good retired life in both countries. Also I tend to smile at people in both countries, and find very little difference in either. It depends if you are comparing like for like. Not many smile in Sydney or London, but smaller places are generally more friendly.

I hesitated about replying Ramot as I am not looking to be confrontational but having reread the post you quote I am a bit bewildered as to why @Chortlepuss views on life in the UK might be interpreted as critical of Aus? The OP is (or was) considering a retired life in the UK and I guess she would therefore appreciate knowing that a recent visitor found it a friendly place with plenty to occupy retired people, especially as perceptions might be different given the current political climate of austerity.  I accept that it is probably helpful to point out that much of what the OP is looking for is available in Aus too but, tbh, I can’t see how Chortrlpuss was (directly or indirectly) criticising Aus or perpetuating the myths you refer to. 

Anyway, Livvy -  I am sorry you have decided to withdraw from PIO, but hope you find the support and peace of mind you need and deserve. And Cortlepuss, the Mumbles is beautiful – your sister has taste. T x

Edited July 7, 2018 by tea4too

[ramot]

9 hours ago, tea4too said:

I hesitated about replying Ramot as I am not looking to be confrontational but having reread the post you quote I am a bit bewildered as to why @Chortlepuss views on life in the UK might be interpreted as critical of Aus? The OP is (or was) considering a retired life in the UK and I guess she would therefore appreciate knowing that a recent visitor found it a friendly place with plenty to occupy retired people, especially as perceptions might be different given the current political climate of austerity.  I accept that it is probably helpful to point out that much of what the OP is looking for is available in Aus too but, tbh, I can’t see how Chortrlpuss was (directly or indirectly) criticising Aus or perpetuating the myths you refer to. 

Anyway, Livvy -  I am sorry you have decided to withdraw from PIO, but hope you find the support and peace of mind you need and deserve. And Cortlepuss, the Mumbles is beautiful – your sister has taste. T x

 

Sorry but I think you are picking up on things that I write unnecessarily. I did not say the poster criticised Australia, I wrote that I don’t criticise UK. It’s up to you how you interpret my posts, but I am beginning to take offence to be honest. I am an even minded member of PIO like to think over the approximately 10 years of membership I have both received and given help and hopefully not bewildered to many.

[pommysheila]

Hello Livvy

I wish you lived next door to me I have been alone I think since I got here in 1989. I have been on here over the years but still here has I am frightened to try. My hubby passed away 2014 he battled for 4 year but sadly lost the fight. I have the one son 42 who is like Queensland wonderful one day weird the next. Yes I have neighbours to say hello to but that is it. I come from BOLTON an only child and all family have passed away so when I heard you mention Southport it registered with me I have spent many a happy days trip there much nicer than Blackpool quieter. I watch Escape to the Country all the time and Escape to the Continent all look very appealing but money is the problem. I to have a little saved a British Pension and a Aussy one but like you I would have to rent. I feel life is moving on quickler than me I have just had my 70th Birthday which was a real wake up call that I am running out of time. I am on here again the bad penny returns still not making any decision I live in Victoria near Geelong.