LincolnH Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Hi, I've come on here to hopefully get advice from people who are feeling similar/experienced similar. I travelled the world with 2 best mates ( both recently returned to U.K. After 6 years) and now live with my Australian fiancée in Melbourne. We are currently building a house and talking about having children (exciting times). But the more we talk about kids the more I feel like I belong in England . I want my kids to grow up knowing there nephews aunties n uncle and feel I miss my family terribly. The first 4-5 years I never really felt homesick but the novelty seems to be wearing off abit now and I'm not sure what to do. My girlfriends sister lives in U.K. But her parents live North sydney so when we have kids we will literally have no family in Victoria atall where as in England we will have all my family and my gfs brother and sister live there. My gfs dad is very homely and would never move from where he is/never been abroad and constantly moans about how his kids have moved away. This is not fair on them as he is putting his happiness before there's but my gf feels so bad she starts crying about leaving him whenever we talk about moving to the UK. She says she will but deep down I know she wants to stay here , it's exciting we are building our first house but in the back of my mind I wish it was in the UK not some suburb miles out of Melbourne with nothing more than a Coles/RSL and a red rooster. I feel our life would be so much 'fuller' if we lived back in the UK. I just don't know what to do... sorry for rambling Male, 33 years old 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evandale Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 I think your "doubts" are exceptionally healthy! Personally I would not be embarking on having sproglets unless you both are very settled! You both imo have to work in unison regarding your future together. The usual thoughts about mixed marriages and having children & The Hague Treaty always come to mind and I would research all the possibilities /pitfalls/heartache before putting your slippers under the hearth. You can always sell and divide property, but children are a different matter! Pay attention to your doubts/concerns, family in your case your own family play a large part of whom you are today and it could just be that you are not cut out to live thousands of miles away! Good luck! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 I agree that starting a family when feeling so unsettled might not be the wisest thing at the moment until you decide where to live. I've not up to date with what's needed to return - but know from reading others posts that it's not as simple as going back with your Australian partner - unless they access to a British/EU passport. I know there's a few hoops to jump through ... worth looking into it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Tough one. Don't bring kids into the equation until you are settled as to where your future is going to be. It seems usually that it is the woman who needs the family support rather than the bloke and with a small family she could really struggle being away from her folks (unless she gets to be close to her sister). As the others have said, getting an Aussie partner into UK can be very tricky so it might be a moot point. In a mixed marriage you really do have to work out who is going to have it all and who will have nothing - who's going to be the best at coping with that. A compromise might be moving somewhere with a bit more going on that meets both your needs but my guess is that if your life together has legs that you are going to have to be the one who puts up with your least worst option! I always reframed the situation as life in a place I hated with him was less worse than life without him in a place I wanted to be. You can't cuddle a place! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungfustu Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 20 hours ago, LincolnH said: Hi, I've come on here to hopefully get advice from people who are feeling similar/experienced similar. I travelled the world with 2 best mates ( both recently returned to U.K. After 6 years) and now live with my Australian fiancée in Melbourne. We are currently building a house and talking about having children (exciting times). But the more we talk about kids the more I feel like I belong in England . I want my kids to grow up knowing there nephews aunties n uncle and feel I miss my family terribly. The first 4-5 years I never really felt homesick but the novelty seems to be wearing off abit now and I'm not sure what to do. My girlfriends sister lives in U.K. But her parents live North sydney so when we have kids we will literally have no family in Victoria atall where as in England we will have all my family and my gfs brother and sister live there. My gfs dad is very homely and would never move from where he is/never been abroad and constantly moans about how his kids have moved away. This is not fair on them as he is putting his happiness before there's but my gf feels so bad she starts crying about leaving him whenever we talk about moving to the UK. She says she will but deep down I know she wants to stay here , it's exciting we are building our first house but in the back of my mind I wish it was in the UK not some suburb miles out of Melbourne with nothing more than a Coles/RSL and a red rooster. I feel our life would be so much 'fuller' if we lived back in the UK. I just don't know what to do... sorry for rambling Male, 33 years old There is your answer.....if thats how you genuinely feel then I would put a stop to the house building and the kiddie talk before its too late. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheWayOfThePony Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 I agree you should probably put kids on hold until you are more settled. My own experience is that I left my home country for the UK over a decade ago. I am from a very close-knit family and was always adamant I needed to go back at some point. I felt very homesick and holidays there always end up in tears at the airport. Yet when the opportunity came to go back a few years ago and I had to seriously sit down and think about it, I realised my country had changed and wasn't really the home I used to know. That I was looking at it with rose-tinted glasses but that the reality of the daily life would be vastly different from going there on a holiday - when you make the most of your time and tend to experience your family's best side - not the annoying bits that drive you mad! So I stayed, and have no regret so as I'm preparing to live the UK for Aus now I am not too worried about adapting. But everyone's experience is different obviously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home and Happy Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 On 24/08/2017 at 12:18, LincolnH said: in the back of my mind I wish it was in the UK not some suburb miles out of Melbourne with nothing more than a Coles/RSL and a red rooster. I feel our life would be so much 'fuller' if we lived back in the UK. I just don't know what to do... sorry for rambling Male, 33 years old Life is fuller and far more varied back in UK and your comment about life in a suburb could be about any place in Australia, its all the same....But having an Aussie partner changes things a lot as does having kids.... You got a lot of very hard thinking to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnH Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Hi and thank you all so much for the replies/advice! We currently live in Melbourne and my partners parents are in Sydney and in reality we only probably see them 4 weekends a year (12 days total) where as if we were in the UK and came back for 3 weeks a year then time spent with her parents would almost be doubled! My partners father is the main problem as he is constantly putting his kids under pressure to live near him ( he is very old school) where as although i see his point he should just encourage his kids to be happy instead of thinking about himself. My partners sister moved to the UK with an Engish boyfriend last year and they are very settled. Her dad was pretty upset with this and was pretty negative towards her sister and her partner. My partner is very close with her sister and her having kids over there would only improve her life and our childrens life if we were to live there too. I see it as at least we will both have family in the same country plus our kid will see his aunties uncles and have cousins where as in Australia it will just be grandparents. Her brother is also in the UK but travelling and has got himself and English bf aswell (hes gay) so potentially my gf, her sister and brother could all end up living in England because of 3 English men! Her dad would hate England if that were the case! Our house will be built it 2 months and I am looking forward to moving in, it can be rented out if we move back anyway so that is not too much of a problem. My Fiancee is 30 and wishes to have children soon, she says she would move to UK but it would break her parents hearts and not sure if she can say forever. Its a very hard situation to be in and to find a solution too! We have friends in Melbourne but not like my friends back home and my gfs best friends are all in Sydney really it just makes sense to me but would be a hard decision to leave our newly built house to move to a rental property in the UK while we sort ourselves out especially if we have a new family member We are actually flying to Manchester in 2 weeks 3 days for 3 weeks so will be nice to have a trip back and see everyone and hopefully will help us develop our 'talks' about this Thanks again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbkitty Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Think long and hard about bringing children into the equation at this point. Whilst in love and happy it's hard to conceive that things could ever not be that way - but an international relationship/marriage is hard when you both have different hopes about where to 'settle'. I'm in Melbourne with my Aussie partner and our 3 year old plus another on the way, I've been here for 8 years and no family here, luckily my parents are still able to visit yearly but that won't last forever. His family are in Brisbane and he would move there in a heartbeat - siblings and a new cousin are his drivers (plus the weather). I'm settled in Melbourne with a good friendship network, I get on with his siblings and can see the pull of living in Brisbane however he is closed to moving to the UK so I feel, why should I? Our relationship has suffered because of these issues and the reality is, I'm in Australia indefinitely whether I like it or not. He's worried that moving to the UK may mean him being stuck there if things break down. I'm worried that if we move to Brisbane, I'll be stuck there without support should we separate. A family court could absolutely stop me moving back to Melbourne with the kids. Then there is the question of, do you really want to live in the UK? Really? I'm not sure if I would truly settle there anyway, even with family around. Siblings/cousins all great but life gets busy, personally I'd prioritise a closeness to parents and I agree the woman seems to require the support of her own parents more and vice versa. It sounds like you already have some bitterness towards your fiancés Father in particular (he sounds like my partner's Dad) which would only be harboured more if you moved closer to them. But then life in suburban Melbourne sounds like a bleak prospect to you...personally I still love Melbourne and having kids has only enhanced that. I'd love to be able to say to my partner 'let's do 3 years in each place and see how we feel' but realistically things can change, people change, kids change you and your relationship, and once the kids are 'habitually resident' in a Country, it takes you both to agree moving them, and you may not always agree... I wish I'd listened when people warned me of this very real scenario that affects so many people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbkitty Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 (edited) I think it's important that your partner is also aware of her rights if she was to move to the UK to have a child. She should be aware that if she misses her parents and Australia, you would need to be fully on board with a move back here. Consider the scenario of you are blissfully happy and she is not - she could feel very stuck indeed and legally/physically with the kids, she would be if you did not agree to a move back. Not everyone is really aware of the Hague Convention and how it works. Edited August 30, 2017 by Melbkitty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Ugh, the guilt tripping parent! Bottom line, he's had his life, you are entitled to yours. This sounds more like a control issue than the raw emotions of grief for a separated family (looks like the siblings don't have the same compunction and have the capacity to "escape"). Hedge all bets, keep your house and rent it out, take career breaks and suck it and see. Whilst The Hague Convention can be a barrier to leaving Australia, the UK Family Court seems to have a more pragmatic view of the interests of the child and are more likely, with a sound case, to allow migration whereas the Australian FC can and does even limit the specific area in which you could live. When the highlight of your existence is the RSL you know you need to do something!!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 4 hours ago, Quoll said: Ugh, the guilt tripping parent! Bottom line, he's had his life, you are entitled to yours. This sounds more like a control issue than the raw emotions of grief for a separated family (looks like the siblings don't have the same compunction and have the capacity to "escape"). Hedge all bets, keep your house and rent it out, take career breaks and suck it and see. Whilst The Hague Convention can be a barrier to leaving Australia, the UK Family Court seems to have a more pragmatic view of the interests of the child and are more likely, with a sound case, to allow migration whereas the Australian FC can and does even limit the specific area in which you could live. When the highlight of your existence is the RSL you know you need to do something!!!! Indeed you do. Can't imagine an RSL as a happening place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 (edited) So. Why does it have to be a "forever" move? (Even if in your mind it will be). Forget the FIL (to be clear all I mean here is you obviously can't change his mind given his reaction to the other kids) so there's no point in using brain cells worrying about that. Despite him being old school I can understand him wanting his kids / grandkids around him - although I can't understand him forcing you to buy a ticket on the guilt train. Not fair. You need to make the right decision for you and your "family". Would your gf be more open if say you said let's try it for 3/5 years with the agreement both of us will be very open minded to possibly moving back or staying put? If you put less of a "this is a forever move" slant on things (and stick to promises made) it might help your gf feel more able to make a decision. You could always agree x amount of visits to see her parents over the years - although speaking from experience this will be very $££$. Agree with other posters - leave children out of it until you're settled. Regarding where you're building - you know Vic is a big place, you don't have the stay to the confines of your suburb to find fun! Edited September 4, 2017 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nijallo Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 I really feel for you with your dilemma. My own journey is not supposed to sound negative but I think it highlights what can happen almost by stealth in your youth but takes decades to get back to where you want to be in life. It may well work out wonderfully for you, I truly hope it does. I'm British and came to Australia in the mid-80s only because I had met an Australian and we were living together in London when his job moved him back to Melbourne. I was only 22 and I happily accompanied him and enjoyed the first five years or so in Australia, which included us getting married and having two children. His job then took us to Belgium and then the UK for five years and that point, in the mid-90s, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to stay in the UK but it couldn't be done, at least not without splitting up the family. So we all came back to Melbourne, me very reluctantly, and in hindsight I struggled a fair bit despite having a good job and lovely friends. By 1999 we had sadly separated which made no difference to my situation as I wouldn't have uprooted my children and taken them so far away from their father. It did mean that I was stuck in Melbourne with absolutely no family support though and that was pretty tough at times. Fast forward to 2017, my beautiful daughters are 27 and nearly 29 with the older one living in London and the younger one recently buying a flat in Melbourne. I have by no means been miserable for the past 20 years but I have never felt that I truly belonged here and have been at my happiest and most content when I have visited home. So finally, and it's been a long time coming, I am selling up and moving back to the UK early next year. One daughter (in London) is very happy, the other is sad but supportive. It is certainly the case that once you have lived in different countries, no one country will be 100% the right place, for you or those close to you. I have my old friends in England who are so excited that I'm finally coming home, I have wonderful friends in Melbourne who I'll be very sad to leave. My now very elderly parents need some support and I want to properly get to know my now adult nieces. I'm so looking forward to making up for lost time. So, do think long and hard about your future and I wish you all the very best with your incredibly difficult situation. The people you love are of course the most important factor, but you need to be happy and content in your environment too. Good luck with whatever you decide. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scousers1 Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 On 24 August 2017 at 21:18, LincolnH said: Hi, I've come on here to hopefully get advice from people who are feeling similar/experienced similar. I travelled the world with 2 best mates ( both recently returned to U.K. After 6 years) and now live with my Australian fiancée in Melbourne. We are currently building a house and talking about having children (exciting times). But the more we talk about kids the more I feel like I belong in England . I want my kids to grow up knowing there nephews aunties n uncle and feel I miss my family terribly. The first 4-5 years I never really felt homesick but the novelty seems to be wearing off abit now and I'm not sure what to do. My girlfriends sister lives in U.K. But her parents live North sydney so when we have kids we will literally have no family in Victoria atall where as in England we will have all my family and my gfs brother and sister live there. My gfs dad is very homely and would never move from where he is/never been abroad and constantly moans about how his kids have moved away. This is not fair on them as he is putting his happiness before there's but my gf feels so bad she starts crying about leaving him whenever we talk about moving to the UK. She says she will but deep down I know she wants to stay here , it's exciting we are building our first house but in the back of my mind I wish it was in the UK not some suburb miles out of Melbourne with nothing more than a Coles/RSL and a red rooster. I feel our life would be so much 'fuller' if we lived back in the UK. I just don't know what to do... sorry for rambling Male, 33 years old Ok, this may be what you need to hear or maybe not. Listen to your gut, the suburbs of Melb are no place to have kids, they are fine until they are about 10 but then it gets harder and i see this everyday with my daughter , my friends son and all there friends, the mental health problems are so difficult. It only works if there are generations of your family here. Put into that, thst you may end up feeling confused and conflictd like i do and you find it hs caused mental health problems for your kids. My daughter has just told me that she has stressed her whole life that we may go to the UK, i feel like i have failed and. It has really stunted her developement, try and imagine life in 20 years that will give you the answers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peach Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 From what I read you've already drawn a conclusion and now you're re-arranging the facts around to try and make moving back to the UK the only obvious choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted September 14, 2017 Share Posted September 14, 2017 3 hours ago, Scousers1 said: Ok, this may be what you need to hear or maybe not. Listen to your gut, the suburbs of Melb are no place to have kids, they are fine until they are about 10 but then it gets harder and i see this everyday with my daughter , my friends son and all there friends, the mental health problems are so difficult. It only works if there are generations of your family here. Put into that, thst you may end up feeling confused and conflictd like i do and you find it hs caused mental health problems for your kids. My daughter has just told me that she has stressed her whole life that we may go to the UK, i feel like i have failed and. It has really stunted her developement, try and imagine life in 20 years that will give you the answers My cousin has 3 daughters who live in the Melbourne suburb of Greensborough. They are in their early 20s and have very good jobs and a great social life. They migrated when the girls were 12 (twins) and 14. None of them have mental health problems. They are first generation Australians with no other family here except me and I was in Sydney and now Tassie. It can work out successfully for many migrants. I do feel sympathy though for the ones who just can't settle. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home and Happy Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 Any Aussie suburb is bleak no matter where it is. I love the UK and so glad we moved home. I was even offered a good job in Perth a few years back and I turned it down because of the thought of aussie life in a burb again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 7 hours ago, Home and Happy said: Any Aussie suburb is bleak no matter where it is. I love the UK and so glad we moved home. I was even offered a good job in Perth a few years back and I turned it down because of the thought of aussie life in a burb again Rubbish! I'm glad you moved back to the UK and are happy though. As long as you are happy with life that's the main thing. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home and Happy Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 No stuck in a burb is the pits... hungry jacks, chicken treat, watching backward insular aussie TV and having the same barbie on the patio on Saturdays. A few years of that, youll be driven up the wall. There really isn't a heck of a lot more to do in a burb 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbkitty Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 1 hour ago, Home and Happy said: No stuck in a burb is the pits... hungry jacks, chicken treat, watching backward insular aussie TV and having the same barbie on the patio on Saturdays. A few years of that, youll be driven up the wall. There really isn't a heck of a lot more to do in a burb Who spends all their time in the suburb they reside in? By all accounts the village I grew up in in the UK was boring for a kid and eventually teenager. Wow the life you've described sounds completely boring but I literally don't know anyone in Aus who has that lifestyle, even people who live a good hour out from Melbourne. What a bizarre argument! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 4 hours ago, Home and Happy said: No stuck in a burb is the pits... hungry jacks, chicken treat, watching backward insular aussie TV and having the same barbie on the patio on Saturdays. A few years of that, youll be driven up the wall. There really isn't a heck of a lot more to do in a burb What sort of suburb did you live in? Sounds awful. You really should have got out more though. It would drive me nuts too just sitting at home watching TV. Life's for living not sitting around bored half to death. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home and Happy Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 (edited) On 17/09/2017 at 01:55, Toots said: What sort of suburb did you live in? Sounds awful. You really should have got out more though. It would drive me nuts too just sitting at home watching TV. Life's for living not sitting around bored half to death. Lived in too many of them all over Perth. They are all the same. Perfect for retirement maybe, but I wouldn't wish it on a teenager or twenty something. I cant think of anything worse, stuck in a concrete Perth burb in the most isolated town in the world in a country isolated from everywhere else . Thank goodness I managed to get out of that place. I feel more free living in UK. Hard to put into words really but I think free kind of sums up the feeling. Edited September 18, 2017 by Home and Happy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home and Happy Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 On 16/09/2017 at 22:55, Melbkitty said: Who spends all their time in the suburb they reside in? By all accounts the village I grew up in in the UK was boring for a kid and eventually teenager. Wow the life you've described sounds completely boring but I literally don't know anyone in Aus who has that lifestyle, even people who live a good hour out from Melbourne. What a bizarre argument! By sounds of it you are still stuck out there and trying to convince yourself that you did the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 On 24/08/2017 at 12:18, LincolnH said: Hi, I've come on here to hopefully get advice from people who are feeling similar/experienced similar. I travelled the world with 2 best mates ( both recently returned to U.K. After 6 years) and now live with my Australian fiancée in Melbourne. We are currently building a house and talking about having children (exciting times). But the more we talk about kids the more I feel like I belong in England . I want my kids to grow up knowing there nephews aunties n uncle and feel I miss my family terribly. The first 4-5 years I never really felt homesick but the novelty seems to be wearing off abit now and I'm not sure what to do. My girlfriends sister lives in U.K. But her parents live North sydney so when we have kids we will literally have no family in Victoria atall where as in England we will have all my family and my gfs brother and sister live there. My gfs dad is very homely and would never move from where he is/never been abroad and constantly moans about how his kids have moved away. This is not fair on them as he is putting his happiness before there's but my gf feels so bad she starts crying about leaving him whenever we talk about moving to the UK. She says she will but deep down I know she wants to stay here , it's exciting we are building our first house but in the back of my mind I wish it was in the UK not some suburb miles out of Melbourne with nothing more than a Coles/RSL and a red rooster. I feel our life would be so much 'fuller' if we lived back in the UK. I just don't know what to do... sorry for rambling Male, 33 years old It's not going to get easier. Being torn between two countries is never easy, and if you have kids, when they hit school you lose a lot of flexibility with travel. If she is the one then fair enough. But find out where you want to live before the kids get too old. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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