I feel like the only one !

[Kentclan]

Hi,

I'm just putting it out there, as I really do believe I am the only Mum in this position.

Briefly, my husband and I moved here in 2013, I was very apprehensive as we left behind our 2 adult children aged 19 and 22 at the time, both had boyfriends and jobs and wanted to stay in the uk. My husband and I hoped and believed the kids would eventually see sense and move to be with us. Our youngest was on our visa and eldest due to her occupation could easily get work.

In the first 6 months our eldest did move here but could not settle and moved back to London in January.

I have enjoyed my time here in Oz but have found it extreamly hard to settle and make friends, all the friends I have made have their children here with them, I feel so guilty and miss my kids beyond words. The kids miss us but don't want to be responsible for being honest and seeing their Mum and Dad split up.

My husband has a brilliant job here and earns better money, he loves it here and I know he dosnt want to go back.

We are still on a 457 and rent our house in the uk. I'm so torn between 2 worlds ....it is such a difficult dilemma - I bet I don't get a reply from any other Mums in this position!!!

[Guest]

Hello i'm sure you are not alone in this position. The road to migration is not easy and many a relationship has been broken because one wants to stay while the other wants to hop the next flight out and head back. Is your husband aware of how you feel? You say you are on a 457 visa have you began the process to become pr yet? Is that even an option? Many have come out here with a 457 visa in the hopes of getting pr visa (which doesn't always work out). You really do need to have a sit down and a good talk with your husband. You never know he may not be as happy as you think or given once he knows how unhappy you are he will be ok with going back. Good luck and hugs to you. Awful for you to be so torn.

Edited May 9, 2016 by Guest

[movingback]

My husband and I hoped and believed the kids would eventually see sense and move to be with us.

 

I feel badly for you and don't envy your situation. However, I couldn't not comment on the above statement. You made the decision to move after raising 2 children in the UK - so to ask 2 adults to 'see sense' and follow you across the world is wishful thinking, and a bit condescending. I'd be offended if my parents said that to me when I was 22! Anyway, best of luck getting it all sorted out and finding happiness.

[Kentclan]

My husband has known I've never been happy here, but I promised I'd do 2 years- which I now have done. We can apply for PR but is it money worth spending - in my eyes it's not. We have talked and talked and been totally honest with each other - he wants to stay and I want to go home.

[xxlornaxx]

What if you moved back and your kids decided they wanted to live in Aus n left...would u move back again?

[Kentclan]

Maybe that wasn't the correct choice of words to have used - we just saw a better future for the kids here, better weather and lifestyle, a better environment - living in the south east, the whole place is just so congested - with traffic at a standstill everyday, better work opportunities here etc etc .... I wanted to believe once the kids had visited it would change their minds but I'm sure if my Mum and Dad had asked me to move at that age I would have refused... Although I married at 20!

We have always been so close as a family but needed a change as we're stuck in a rut - we nearly moved here in 2007 but I got cold feet (such a bad decision on my part as at that time the kids would have had to have come). I've tried therapy etc but still can't deal with the guilt of leaving our kids

[Kentclan]

What if you moved back and your kids decided they wanted to live in Aus n left...would u move back again?

You sound like my husband lol !! They may decide to move here eventually, but what until that time ... I'm not settled here, living in a rental, no job and just a feeling of not belonging. It's a horrible situation and choice.

[Bungo]

My husband has known I've never been happy here, but I promised I'd do 2 years- which I now have done. We can apply for PR but is it money worth spending - in my eyes it's not. We have talked and talked and been totally honest with each other - he wants to stay and I want to go home.

 

There are plenty of mums and dads on here that have adult children in other parts of the world and I am sure that you will get comments from them soon.

 

Are you certain you have a route to PR yourselves? I am just asking because I know that some people think they can get it after a certain length of time - which is not true. Even if your daughters did decide they would like to move to Australia (I also cannot describe it as "coming to their senses") would they have a route? They would need to get a visa under their own steam now presumably and it is not possible for everyone. So if they can't you face a permanent family split.

 

I think though, that you have to do what is right for you and your husband as a couple now, the children are adults and could move overseas themselves at any time even if you did move back to the UK.

[bristolman]

Oh no not the better future nonsense again. You know there is a lot of England outside of the SE ? Better lifestyle and environment ?

[VERYSTORMY]

The first thing to consider is what is more important to you.

 

Is there a reason why your husband doesn't want to go back?

 

You say you have considered PR, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old is your husband? The reason I ask is that if he is over 50, PR may not be an option and in which case you would all have to go back sooner or later.

 

This is though a very common problem and to some extent I was in it as my wife was very happy in Australia while I would have preferred to have moved back. Fortunatly, the decision was taken out of my hands due to redundancy and lack of work and by then, my wife was ready to make the move back and we are both now very happy. But, I can sympathise.

[Kentclan]

Oh no not the better future nonsense again. You know there is a lot of England outside of the SE ? Better lifestyle and environment ?

Work in my husbands field outside of London and the SE is very difficult to find ! I love all of England but have lived 45 years in the SE!

[Kentclan]

The first thing to consider is what is more important to you.

 

Is there a reason why your husband doesn't want to go back?

 

You say you have considered PR, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old is your husband? The reason I ask is that if he is over 50, PR may not be an option and in which case you would all have to go back sooner or later.

 

This is though a very common problem and to some extent I was in it as my wife was very happy in Australia while I would have preferred to have moved back. Fortunatly, the decision was taken out of my hands due to redundancy and lack of work and by then, my wife was ready to make the move back and we are both now very happy. But, I can sympathise.

 

My husband has no family apart from the kids to go back for, he loves the lifestyle and his job here. We are both 47 ( had the kids very young) so can def get PR . One daughter is a midwife so would not have a problem getting work back here. The other would be last remaining family member.

Edited May 9, 2016 by Lillyflower

[starlight7]

What an absolutely vile situation to be in. I guess a lot depends on exactly how close to your family you are. Would you cope if and when they marry and start to have your grandchildren without you? I suspect not somehow. I don't know how you would get your husband to go back though if he is really happy here- maybe given time and seeing how you are really not happy he would shift his view? On the other hand I guess constantly harping on about it might drive him the opposite way, depends on his personality. Some can be very stubborn!

[AJ]

Maybe that wasn't the correct choice of words to have used - we just saw a better future for the kids here, better weather and lifestyle, a better environment - living in the south east, the whole place is just so congested - with traffic at a standstill everyday, better work opportunities here etc etc .... I wanted to believe once the kids had visited it would change their minds but I'm sure if my Mum and Dad had asked me to move at that age I would have refused... Although I married at 20!

We have always been so close as a family but needed a change as we're stuck in a rut - we nearly moved here in 2007 but I got cold feet (such a bad decision on my part as at that time the kids would have had to have come). I've tried therapy etc but still can't deal with the guilt of leaving our kids?

They are adults 24 and 21 now and obviously happy where they are so why are you beating yourself up about leaving them?

[Marisawright]

Briefly, my husband and I moved here in 2013, I was very apprehensive as we left behind our 2 adult children aged 19 and 22 at the time, both had boyfriends and jobs and wanted to stay in the uk. My husband and I hoped and believed the kids would eventually see sense and move to be with us....

I have enjoyed my time here in Oz but have found it extreamly hard to settle and make friends... I'm so torn between 2 worlds ....it is such a difficult dilemma - I bet I don't get a reply from any other Mums in this position!!!

 

I don't know how many replies you'll get, but you are DEFINITELY not the only mother in this situation. There are even mothers in a worse situation than you, where they've got permanent residency and their husband never has any intention of returning - whereas at least your hubby is on a 457 so there's hope that you'll have to go home one day, unless he insists on going for PR.

 

Missing family is, in fact, one of THE main reasons why migrants move back to the UK.

 

If I could see your situation getting better with time, I'd say try to stick it out - but I fear the opposite might be true. Ask yourself, how will you feel if grandchildren arrive? I suspect you'll feel even worse.

 

One answer, as you alluded to, is to agree to live separately. It would be very sad if it had to be a permanent split, but perhaps you could live in the UK for three or four months of every year, while your hubby stays in Oz?

Edited May 9, 2016 by Marisawright

[VERYSTORMY]

There are a few issues.

 

Visa first. He is unlikely to be able to get a permanent visa himself due to age. So, that would leave employer sponsored. However, this would need to be before age 50, as then it get a LOT more complex including that he would need to have been earning a base salary of $134k a year (that will rise each year between now and when he is 50).

 

On the family front, I think you are going to be torn between a rock and hard place. I can fully understand your reasons for wanting to move back - I recently moved back myself and one of the important aspects for me is friends and family.

 

I normally hate to say this, but I think your case from reading between the lines will come down to an ultimatum. I do think he is being very unfair as you met your end of the deal.

[Bungo]

My husband has no family apart from the kids to go back for, he loves the lifestyle and his job here. We are both 47 ( had the kids very young) so can def get PR . One daughter is a midwife so would not have a problem getting work back here. The other would be last remaining family member.

 

At risk of labouring a point, but has the employer agreed to sponsor you for the permanent visa and are they able to do so. At age 47, skilled migrant visa is very probably not an option as the pointst test is almost impossible to pass so you would need employer support. As for the second daughter, the last remaining relative visa has a processing time of 56 (fifty-six) years.

[Marisawright]

Visa first. He is unlikely to be able to get a permanent visa himself due to age. So, that would leave employer sponsored. However, this would need to be before age 50

 

So, one solution would be for the OP to grit her teeth and say nothing until her husband reaches 50, then he'll discover he can't get a PR visa and they'll have no choice but to return home!

[Quoll]

As a mum with kids on both sides of the world - thus one is always going to be where I am not - if you want to stay you put on your big girl panties and get on with it - take trips to see them. If you can't really see yourself growing old and dying there then make a judgment - is it better to hang on financially in Australia or could you do just as well in UK? If it's even Steven then cut your losses and go. If Australia is better until retirement then count the years until you can leave. You don't have to live in the same place as your kids and they seem to think their future is brighter in UK (as did one of mine). You get used to it - out of sight and out of mind and all that just save up for sanity hits

[Kentclan]

At risk of labouring a point, but has the employer agreed to sponsor you for the permanent visa and are they able to do so. At age 47, skilled migrant visa is very probably not an option as the pointst test is almost impossible to pass so you would need employer support. As for the second daughter, the last remaining relative visa has a processing time of 56 (fifty-six) years.

 

Hi, yes his company will Sponser him, but if he then leaves within 3 years he'd have to pay back all the fees. That's fair enough, but I don't want to stay 3 more years!!!

As for the last remaining relative - omg 56 yrs !!!! My husband told me it would be easy to get her here, although she says she'd never move here anyway!

[CaptainR]

One other option; If you are in the financial position to do so, is it possible for you to go back to the UK for extended periods, possibly even have a small apartment there to split your time? The best of both worlds, especially if your husband doesn't mind you being away for a few months at a time for the sake of you both being happy.

[Kentclan]

They are adults 24 and 21 now and obviously happy where they are so why are you beating yourself up about leaving them?

I think if I knew the answer to that question I would have cracked it !

[Kentclan]

One other option; If you are in the financial position to do so, is it possible for you to go back to the UK for extended periods, possibly even have a small apartment there to split your time? The best of both worlds, especially if your husband doesn't mind you being away for a few months at a time for the sake of you both being happy.

That could be an option, but we wouldn't be able to afford to buy an apartment - as a Mum who has always been close to the girls it is so very hard to settle here, but they would hate me if I left their Dad to go home to be closer to them. So I'm forever stuck in the middle !

[yorkshire rose]

HI Lilly Flower, I will probably be writing the same thread as you in a couple of years, we are currently applying for a visa. We have lived in oz before and came home because the eldest wasnt settling, he finished school, doesnt see the friends he was pining for and has become an engineer, he told me two years ago he was going to move back to Oz i could have killed him lol . In the time that I returned to the uk I have had my eyes wide opened, Im lucky if I see my son once a month, my daughter is about to start university and certainly needs to leave home lol ,although I am putting her hopefully on the visa, (sorry im waffling ) what Im trying to say is that i have argued with myself so many times about what is the right thing to do ? I dote on my children and I will always be there for them but I also dote on my youngest son and husband and I am not going to sit and stay where I am unhappy waiting for a telephone call or a quick visit to see how im doing ,and they certainly dont want me visiting constantly. They will visit us in oz but like you I am hoping and praying my daughter will follow after university.I look back and I made a massive mistake, my boy wanted to come back to UK and I felt so guilty I couldnt settle and I wouldnt allow myself to settle to be honest. We spent so much money on starting again in the UK but honestly within six months of returning the novelty of family had worn off and we hardly saw anybody, my mother in law says she saw more of us when we were in oz. Im wondering if its just the guilt thats stopping you from settling down? Like somebody else has said you could come back and the children may come to their senses in a few years and tell you that they are moving to Oz and it could be too late for you to get back (which is basically whats happened to us I just made the points but in 2 years id have no chance so this is it for us its now or never ) I think its very hard for us mothers to let go, that said its still not easy to put yourself and your marriage before the kids. Good luck honey xxx

[dmjg]

You need to be realistic about how often you see them.

 

Living 150 miles away from the ohs parents in the uk, we saw them every few months.

 

Living 10 miles away that dropped to biweekly, but it was not quality time. There were appointments they wanted to keep, we were living fairly close, so not much effort was made to spend time with us when we were there. I watched lots of sky sports..........

 

Now we are australia, my parents live 100km away, we see them every few months.

 

The ohs parents come over for upto three months at a time and live in our granny flat. They spend more quality time with her and the kids than if we had stayed in the uk. It grates on me having them living virtually in our pockets and definitely in our space for that long, but, it makes her happy, so i try to bite my tongue. The alternative would be for us to go back, and i dont want that.

 

The ohs mum thought that she would want to buy a house in the same street so they could see each other every single day. But kids grow up. They grow into adults and need to form their own lives.

 

You are part of that, but your percentage of their time drops. You have decided to move, not them.

 

My parents hitch up a caravan and head north for three months every year. Im waiting for a phone call claiming dad has picked up a forman type job on a cattle run in the kimberleys, and they wont be coming home.

 

Why would they expect us to uproot ourselves and follow? As far as i am concerned, they have the right to ask such a thing, but not the right to ask more than once. If i want to visit, i will. If i dont, i wont. They made the choice, not me.

 

I made the choice to bring my kid over to australia. But he was 18 months old. If he was 18, his views and desires would have had to take precedence. Whether we would have made the move is questionable.

 

But again, to return to the ohs parents. If they had had the opportunity to move to australia when she was 18 and didnt because she didnt want to go, thus stayed in west yorkshire; well,

 

She (at 33) is now living in Australia, their second child is 30 and living in Greece, whilst the baby is living in London. Each are a minimum of five hours travel from where they stayed.

 

You could possibly go back and find yourself in the same position within five years.........