Worrying about parents............

[Shayman]

Greetings all,

 

I have viewed and posted on this forum intermittently for several years.

 

I completed a 12 month working holiday in Australia 6 years ago (as a 21 year old British graduate) and enjoyed it so much that I formed a life ambition to move there on a more permanent basis.

 

A couple of years later I met a fine lady who I am getting married to this April. Conveniently, she also has a desire to give life down under a shot and has travelled there several times before.We are both 28 years old with no other serious ties and so shortly after our marriage feels like the perfect time to do this.

 

Both of us are chartered accountants working for large global firms. Having expressed interest at her work, my fiancée has been offered an international transfer to Brisbane and the paperwork is currently being completed. It looks like we may be able to move out there on a joint 4 year visa as early as June if all goes to plan. Our hope is that everything works out so well that we decide to seek permanent residency.

 

We are both very excited and fully committed to this but there is a single nagging issue which plays on my mind and has on several occasions kept me awake at night for hours...

 

This is departing my ageing parents who are both fully supportive but whom I am close to.

I am sometimes troubled by the thought of one of their health deteriorating (or worse) at some point in the future (be it in 5, 10 or even 20 years time!) while I am on the other side of the world. They are in their late 60's and mid-70s respectively and in apparently good shape, and if something bad was to happen have are a close-knit wider family (including my sister) and a great set of friends so there would be a strong 'support network'.

 

I would be really grateful if people could share some similar experiences of this and how they dealt with it?

 

Unfortunately I can get anxious about these things fro time to time...

[paisleylass]

Well both my parents died long before I moved to Australia, so that wasn't an issue. My only remaining relative was my younger brother, who came out to visit twice. He died suddenly last year, which was absolutely gutting. But I have no regrets, on those visits we probably spent more time together than if I was still in the UK.

[Marisawright]

It's an issue only you can decide, I'm afraid. I know people say you can always jump on a plane if something happens, but it's not always that simple - first, you have to find a flight with an available seat and secondly, said flight has to go without a hitch.

 

In my case, I had to make a last-minute dash for both my parents (several years apart). With my mother, I managed to get a flight that same evening - I lived in Sydney so it was easy for me to get to the airport on time. Unfortunately the plane developed engine trouble in Singapore and was grounded, so we were all stuck in Singapore for the night. That meant a journey that should've taken 24 hours took about 40 hours. With my father, it took me nearly 12 hours from getting the call to actually getting on a plane, then I had to fly via Amsterdam.

 

If someone has a heart attack or a stroke, that kind of delay can mean you won't make it in time to say goodbye, or if they are still alive, they may not know you.

 

There's no sugar coating it, it's just a risk you have to live with. At the end of the day, only you can decide how important living in Australia is to you - is it worth the separation or not?

 

Twenty or thirty years ago, the opportunities in Australia were so great that I'd have said, you have to consider what's good for you and your family first and foremost and it's probably worth the sacrifice. These days, the quality of life in both countries is about equal - whether one is better than the other is entirely down to personal taste - so I would find that decision harder to make.

Edited February 23, 2016 by Marisawright

[Keith and Linda]

Appears as though it is just some self guilt you have, you have the best wish's of your parents, you have family and friends that can handle things, so as my parents tell us that if they were ill "what the heck can you possibly do if you came back?"

You need to do something that will settle your conscience, so talk to your parents, family and friends make a plan between you all.

Good luck with everything.

Just as an after thought (and this applies in general to all expats) if it was you that fell ill what would you want or expect your parents, family and friends to do?

[Murta]

It is so tough and you are not alone. For this reason I am still here. I am so good at advising others to go but don't take my own advice. The things I have come to terms with is the fact that we do worry/over think about these things shows the lovely relationship we have with our parents and quite possibly we are grieving them before we actually part.

 

Maybe this is part of the plan to help you live wit it when your out there. Seize the day and take the plunge. You will never feel it the right time to leave your wonderful parents but this is your next move in life.

[can1983]

I'm looking into moving to oz, here on hols at the moment

 

my sister is moving to oz next year

 

we both have Australian spouses

 

When it happens our parents will have all their children and grandchildren the other side of the world

 

its on my mind a lot to be honest but you have to do what is right for your own family. You can't live your life for your parents ..

[wrussell]

The OP might want to consider taking advice about applying for permanent residence, independently of an employer or an employer's representative, and when settled in Australia budget for parent visas - about $120k at current rates.

[LKC]

This is a consideration when moving to the other side of the world. However, it is something that you will have to accept if you want to live in Australia. My grandma (who I am very close to, probably closer to her than to my mum) is 89 and although she is in good health at the moment I do worry that I won't be there when the worst happens. However, as she has often pointed out to me you can't live your life on "what if's". We keep enough in our savings account to pay for emergency flights home, and if we ever get that dreaded phone call (which I have no doubt we will at some point) we will go back as soon as we can.

 

When I was at uni my dad had a heart attack and died and it still took the best part of a day for mum to get hold of me (back when mobile phones were a rarity), for me to organise things with uni, pack a bag, and get back home to mum on the train. You can live in the same country and still not be there at the right time.

[rammygirl]

It is tough. But despite living only a few miles away I was delayed in traffic and got to my fathers bedside 5 minutes after he died from a massive stroke. My Brother in law was on holiday in The USA when his dad died. Sometimes the distance feels bad but in reality can make little difference.

 

We do keep savings to allow us to fly back to the UK in an emergency and know that loved ones remaining in the UK do have other family to support them. And we visit every 18 months or so, despite promises no one yet has bothered to come to us!

It is simply one of the things you have to factor in when emigrating.

 

My friend recently moved to Edinburgh and one of her son's is now in Bristol, she says that is nearly as bad!

[Paul1Perth]

Sounds like you've landed an your feet with the emigration thing. Wouldn't worry about the parents yet, sounds like they are in good nic and they are young enough to come out on holiday. Brisbane is great. My Dad died aged 92 a couple of years back. I was on a plane and back there in a couple of days. We had moved a fair way away in the UK so it might have taken me that long if I had been there to get to where they live. You never know, you might not like living here and go back. Unlikely though, good luck.

[Chillers]

I had to return to the UK 8 years back whilst on a working holiday because my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer. I am now back over here. The way i look at it, i'm only 1 day away. Worst case scenario i can be there in a day. Before you leave ensure you teach them how to skype.

[Shayman]

Thank you for the responses. Guilt does have a big part to play in this, although its all of my own creation. I shall definitely get them all set up with Skype beforehand!

[Quoll]

Ah where is the old crystal ball? You're still young, your parents are still young-ish and you have a sibling so you are home and hosed really.

 

Our solution was to live in UK to support my aged parents once they got to needing that level of support so that will always be an option for you should the need arise - you're not entering jail by moving to Australia. It's just a priority you take at the time - or don't - whatever you feel you can live with. Mind you, my parents were 87 when we moved in with them, now 92.

 

There are days when I kinda wish that we had had "the call" for a mercy dash during our 32 years in Australia but we didn't. I don't have a sibling to share the load but I would never have dumped all the caring on a sibling even if I had the choice - doing it now, I can tell you it isn't an easy gig. At this life stage I would go for it if I were you but be prepared to make different life decisions when the need arises. Mind you, I'm the age of your parents and I have absolutely no intention of calling on my kids in my older age - but then, neither did my parents ever expect or ask us for help, my conscience wouldn't do less than let me offer.

[grahamffc]

I think something to consider is whether you are likely to go in 10 or 20 years time when your parents are in their 80's or 90's and you might have children or too old there after to qualify for a visa. A way to look at it could be to go for 5 years, if you like it you can probably get citizenship in that time. If you feel the same about your parents, and God willing nothing has happened in those 5 years, go back and you then got the opportunity to go in the future when they are no longer around, even if you are in your 50's by then. Obviously there's a risk attached to those first five years, but it's as low as it can be without giving up on the idea of going to Australia entirely.

[Marisawright]

@Shayman - re-reading your post, you've only got a temp visa anyway. You can never know what life will throw at you, but your parents are still in good health so in the short term, the risk of something happening is low. Why worry about the future when you don't even know if you'll get a permanent visa? Enjoy the four years for what they are, then revisit the question of your parents when it's time to make the big decision.

 

So many things could happen before you get to the point of applying for PR. It's tough for accountants in Australia right now - you may decide your career prospects are not good enough. You may discover (as many people do) that you miss your family too much to live so far away forever. Or accountants may be taken off the eligible list of occupations. So worry about it if it happens, no need to worry now!

[starlight7]

I agree with marisa- you can't live life on 'what ifs' You are young and at an ideal age for making the change. Like others, we always kept some money aside, earmarked for emergency flights- makes you feel better if nothing else.

[Lucharmily]

What a lovely son you are...your parents have done a great job in raising you.

 

Which is why I'm sure they wouldn't want you to forego such a great opportunity.

 

Sadly, it's a fact of life that our parents will age and pass away some day. But we can't sit around waiting for it to happen. You have to live your life and take the opportunities that come your way.

 

I also moved to Australia shortly after getting married. At the time, my parents were in good health and able to visit. We spent a lot of time together when they came out to visit (more in one go then than back in the UK). I have great memories of those visits and often our time together was quality rather than quantity.

 

Now sadly, my Mum is gone but I look to my own children. They're still little now but I know I'd hate them to turn down any future opportunities because they were worried about leaving me.

 

Talk to your parents about how you feel. Show them this post. See what they have to say about it.

 

And as others have mentioned, it's a temporary visa at this stage. Nothing is set in stone. Take it one step at a time and see how it goes.

 

Good luck...it sounds like a fantastic opportunity.

[KALINDA]

I agree with Lucharmily.....our son and his then girl-friend emigrated to Australia in 2002 and as a parent it was a gut-wrenching experience to wave them off at the airport BUT we would never have stood in their way. Life is to be lived and opportunities have to be taken as they arise. They are now married and have two beautiful children. We were fortunate to be able to join them on a Contributory Parent Visa in 2007 and have had the most wonderful experiences with them. They are well and truly settled here and flourishing and it has been good to share good times with them. However, through unforseen family circumstances we are now contemplating a return to the U.K. I will be so sad to leave them but having witnessed their good life-style I will return knowing they are well and happy and it will be a good feeling to know that we gave them our blessing in the first instance. Through their initial emigration, we have all had rich and rewarding times in this huge, beautiful country. Go for it! I know your parents would not want to hamper your opportunities.

[Shayman]

Thank you all for your responses. They have certainly helped settled my mind a bit on the matter since I made my original post.

 

My parents are both useless with computers and have no internet so these are both things I am going to sort out before we do leave for Skyping purposes!

[rammygirl]

Mm if they don't use computers now they might not. Father in law had a computer and used it before we left. He does e mail and text but despite frequent lessons never skypes unless another family member is there and sorts it.

He loves his weekly phone call though!

Many Oz home phone contracts allow for very cheap calls to the UK, it usually costs us no more than $5 per month for hours of calls. They could be less if he had a smart phone or we used VIOP but he likes it that we also have a land line number that he can dial if he needs to.