Newly married to Aussie husband and homesick

[sorca]

Hi - Im newly married to and australian guy and living on the Queensland . Ive always been reluctant to come here as my family in the UK are very close and Ive never really wanted to live here in Oz (my family are also devastated at my migration). My husband has always said he wouldn't want to live in the UK as the weather would make him unhappy. We split up over this during our engagement (he said it had to be Australia) but then we reconcilled saying that we would compromise and live internationally - somewhere in Europe maybe, maybe even the UK (I miss European culture). We are both in Australia now as he needs to finish his degree - and he also wants to stay a couple of years longer so that he can get some experience in his field before going international. Im 34 and would really like to start a family however the more I think about doing this on the other side of the world - the more scared I get and anxious to go back to my roots. The older I get and the closer I get to starting a family the more I want to go home and be surrounded with my family (I'm even reluctant to be international - feel like I want home). My husband doesn't have any family here in Oz and so in a way it makes sense, however I know deep down he doesn't want to live in the UK. Im frightened to start a family now as I know the pull to home will be even stronger than it is now - and I'm crying with homesickness every day at the minute. Im terrified that if I have a family here I will get stuck - like i read about in some of these threads - it terrifies the life out of me. My husband says we will move (internationally) after he gets some experience etc but Im terrified that he won't honour that and ill get stuck. I just don't like it here - feel like I don't belong and Im finding it really hard to fit in. I thought that we had discussed this enough before we got married but since arriving in Australia Im just desperate to get home. I know I am kind of going back on what we agreed but as I think about bringing a baby into the world I just need to be with family…….I didn't think I would feel this strongly but for some reason I do and Im panicking big style. With my age creeping up I need to start a family soon but don't want to make a huge mistake that I will later regret. Im actually thinking that maybe we should go our separate ways as either way one of us is going to be unhappy. Sorry for the long post………just in a total dilema!!! Any advice would be great!

[Huntersmummy]

Hiya sweet. Welcome to pomsinoz.

 

Im in the exact same position as you apart from I already have kids. Husband loves it here, I don't. I wanna go back, he doesn't.

Things are a trillion billion GAZILLION times hardly when kids are involved. My kids love it here and that, in a way, sucks balls because the guilt of 1: Taking the kids away from their dad and 2:Kids have settled here and taking them away from that.

 

If you have doubts now, what would they be like after kids are here? You wanna go back and want to take the kids but then you'd be taking them away from dad, hence a broken up family. I properly worded that wrong but hopefully you'll see what I mean.

 

You could give it a chance without bringing kids in to it and if you feel in a years times? But with your age being a concern to you, maybe its better you go your own ways?

 

My husbands a right stubborn old git who always gets his way and its always the case, one of you has to lose. You lose yourself being unhappy away from home, or he loses and moves to the UK. Sometimes, you just can't compromise.

 

Look, if you want to chat more, you could PM me and we'll chat over FB or whatever. Always welcome another matey!

 

xxx

[sorca]

Thanks for the quick reply - are you married to an Aussie too? We have done the long distance thing before and he did say the other week to go home as Im obviously unhappy. On the one hand I think yes - I should go while I can and then the ball is in his court to maybe come come out once his degree is finished, but I just have lots of guilt and fee I should be here to support him in his qualifications. Im happy in my marriage but just want my family around me to share in the next stage. The thing is - I know I will never want to live in Australia - and so I feel like Im going to ruin his life. He is such a proud aussie - and Im a proud brit!! Feel like a bit of an idiot for not going through this thoroughly before marriage. I suppose I just thought it would work out. I just feel different now that Im here! I hate it!

[movingback]

How long have you been here Sorca? Are you newly arrived or have you been here months/years? You have a tough decision to make; I don't envy you at all

[robfromdublin]

Don't worry on the marriage, that can be sorted out easily either way. But do NOT have kids until you have resolved this with your husband! How would you feel if you waited it out in Oz for a couple of years after he finishes but then couldn't get pregnant? The answer to that probably tells you whether your relationship is more important to you or having a family is more important to you.

[sorca]

Ive been here 6 months. My family visited over xmas and since they've been here and then left Ive just realised how important my family is to me and Im questioning everything. Im in such a state - on the brink of tears most of the time

[sorca]

I know - there is so many ifs and buts……………Im cracking up with all this swirling around my head. Im thinking about going to see a relationship therapist - probably initially myself and then together as I feel we are maybe not being honest with each other. I think both of us are a little terrified at the prospect our future Some friends are saying stop stressing about a problem that isn't a problem yet - but the thing is I know this is a major issue that isn't going to go away and keeping on going with my eyes shut is just stupid. We need to face it and accept that we can go forward or we have made a mistake and need to set each other free.

[movingback]

I know - there is so many ifs and buts……………Im cracking up with all this swirling around my head. Im thinking about going to see a relationship therapist - probably initially myself and then together as I feel we are maybe not being honest with each other. I think both of us are a little terrified at the prospect our future Some friends are saying stop stressing about a problem that isn't a problem yet - but the thing is I know this is a major issue that isn't going to go away and keeping on going with my eyes shut is just stupid. We need to face it and accept that we can go forward or we have made a mistake and need to set each other free.

 

I think thats a very wise next step. You sound like you've got your head screwed on properly. I think at the 6 month mark people can be pretty sure if they like it here or now. The kids thing is tough - time is indeed ticking, but if you have to go home and he is dithering, in my experience more often than not this seems they don't really want to go back at all but are afraid to come out and say it. At 34 you still have time to meet someone new and pop out a couple of kids IF you get your skates on. And, of course, if this is truly what you want. But first step is a good counsellor quick smart to hash it all out!!

[JockinTas]

Hi Sorca, I married an Aussie in the UK. We lived there for 5 years after getting married then he (and I) got fed up of the government at the time - and the weather so moved to Australia. I think I settled here quickly because I found a good job within a few days of arrival. We were in Sydney. I made friends easily and everything was an adventure for a while - then we moved to Perth - babies arrived - then, to cut a long story short we moved back to Sydney. OH had no remaining relatives here but my Mum and sister visited every second year. I was able to go back to Scotland every second year too. I never really had time to feel very homesick. I hope things work out for you!

[Quoll]

Oh dear, you're not Robinson Crusoe by any means but I think a Relationship Counsellor is definitely your first port of call! And definitely do not bring children into the equation until you are at peace with your decision. You might also check with your GP to see if s/he would implement a mental health plan for you and you could spend some time with a CBT or ACT therapist to help you with strategies to get through each day (although using strategies for the rest of your days will take its toll on you!)

 

I hate to be a wet blanket but do you even have the choice to live in UK? Can your DH get a visa? That's a stumbling block for many a mixed marriage these days.

 

There is another thread on here with a lass with much the same problems. Her solution was to go home and see how she felt - the trip enabled her to make the judgment that life there without him was worse than life here with him and sometimes you just have to work out what is your least worst option and bite the bullet. Mixed marriage can be the very devil (I have been in one for over 42 years) and when you feel trapped it is the pits. If somehow you can reframe and see that this is your decision and you are not trapped by someone else's decision it does get easier.

 

Good luck!

[starlight7]

Any chance you could move somewhere else in Australia? Melbourne, for example, has a much more 'European' lifestyle.

[Sammy1]

I am going to be blunt. Do not have a baby yet, whatever you do. If you have a baby here, then you will be completely stuck, unless your husband gives you permission to take the baby back to the UK to live. This has happened to many and they have had to remain in Oz, isolated and without family.

 

If your relationship breaks down, then it is even harder.

[Marisawright]

Sorry to say, but I get the strong impression your husband has absolutely no intention of living "international". It's not that he's lying - he's convinced himself that if you stay in Australia long enough, you'll learn to love it as much as he does. So his tactic is delay, delay, delay in the belief you'll be fine in the end.

 

I see two clues to that - one is the idea of having "a couple of years" experience in Australia before moving to your new home. Why? There is nothing special about Australian experience, it won't ensure him a better job when he moves - quite the opposite in fact, because (as he already knows from working in the UK) employers have an annoying habit of undervaluing experienced gained in another country. I suspect that once he got a job, he'd find reasons why he can't leave just yet - he's in line for a promotion, he's got a chance to get experience on a really exciting project, etc etc - and you'll still be waiting five years from now.

 

The other is this idea of "somewhere international". Have you discussed where, exactly? Have you talked about how he will pursue his career in a country where English isn't the first language? For most degree-level jobs, he would need to speak the language very fluently, so what languages does he speak, and how well?

 

Successful marriages are all about compromise but sadly, when it comes to deciding which country to live in, there's no halfway house - it's one or the other. One of you will have to make a sacrifice. In your case, you'd have to give up your country AND your family. In his case, he would only have to give up his country. I know that for some people, country is very important but the scales do seem a bit uneven to me.

Edited February 15, 2016 by Marisawright

[Quoll]

Nail! Head! Spot on Marisa!

[Gbye grey sky]

You say that you have lived a long distance apart before. How did that pan out.

 

I think that you should return alone to the UK; buy a one way ticket. Call it a trial separation. At least you will both find out what is the most important thing to each of you, country or your relationship. If you are in UK and he is still in Australia in 6 months time then you will have your answer.

[ali]

Sorry to say, but I get the strong impression your husband has absolutely no intention of living "international". It's not that he's lying - he's convinced himself that if you stay in Australia long enough, you'll learn to love it as much as he does. So his tactic is delay, delay, delay in the belief you'll be fine in the end.

 

I see two clues to that - one is the idea of having "a couple of years" experience in Australia before moving to your new home. Why? There is nothing special about Australian experience, it won't ensure him a better job when he moves - quite the opposite in fact, because (as he already knows from working in the UK) employers have an annoying habit of undervaluing experienced gained in another country. I suspect that once he got a job, he'd find reasons why he can't leave just yet - he's in line for a promotion, he's got a chance to get experience on a really exciting project, etc etc - and you'll still be waiting five years from now.

 

The other is this idea of "somewhere international". Have you discussed where, exactly? Have you talked about how he will pursue his career in a country where English isn't the first language? For most degree-level jobs, he would need to speak the language very fluently, so what languages does he speak, and how well?

 

Successful marriages are all about compromise but sadly, when it comes to deciding which country to live in, there's no halfway house - it's one or the other. One of you will have to make a sacrifice. In your case, you'd have to give up your country AND your family. In his case, he would only have to give up his country. I know that for some people, country is very important but the scales do seem a bit uneven to me.

 

Being devils advocate .. the OP doesn't really seem to want to live internationally either and wants to be in the UK, but I agree with others that bringing a child into the equation would make the situation of being able to move more difficult and Quolls suggestion of relationship counselling, marriage isn't about one of the partnership totally having to give up something but about compromise. The compromise in this situation doesn't seem that sound as it's likely that neither party want to really do it.

[Huntersmummy]

You know what would help everyone a little bit? An annual pomsinoz therapy group!

 

Sorca, have an internet hug xx My husbands a brit but hates the UK due to immigration problems. Which is ironic considering we are immigrants now....

 

Theres a hell of a load of lovely people on here so you always have us lot to rant too

 

How about a trip back home on your own for a few weeks to think it over? Being home might just be the nail in the coffin for you.

 

This bit is purely down to experience so sorry if i type this wrong, I'm a bit of a thicko......maybe he's not the one for you? My first husband was a *$&££ and it hurt at first, but us wanting different things, i knew it was the right decision leaving the bastard.

 

You have to think of you! xxx

[bunbury61]

Hi - Im newly married to and australian guy and living on the Queensland . Ive always been reluctant to come here as my family in the UK are very close and Ive never really wanted to live here in Oz (my family are also devastated at my migration). My husband has always said he wouldn't want to live in the UK as the weather would make him unhappy. We split up over this during our engagement (he said it had to be Australia) but then we reconcilled saying that we would compromise and live internationally - somewhere in Europe maybe, maybe even the UK (I miss European culture). We are both in Australia now as he needs to finish his degree - and he also wants to stay a couple of years longer so that he can get some experience in his field before going international. Im 34 and would really like to start a family however the more I think about doing this on the other side of the world - the more scared I get and anxious to go back to my roots. The older I get and the closer I get to starting a family the more I want to go home and be surrounded with my family (I'm even reluctant to be international - feel like I want home). My husband doesn't have any family here in Oz and so in a way it makes sense, however I know deep down he doesn't want to live in the UK. Im frightened to start a family now as I know the pull to home will be even stronger than it is now - and I'm crying with homesickness every day at the minute. Im terrified that if I have a family here I will get stuck - like i read about in some of these threads - it terrifies the life out of me. My husband says we will move (internationally) after he gets some experience etc but Im terrified that he won't honour that and ill get stuck. I just don't like it here - feel like I don't belong and Im finding it really hard to fit in. I thought that we had discussed this enough before we got married but since arriving in Australia Im just desperate to get home. I know I am kind of going back on what we agreed but as I think about bringing a baby into the world I just need to be with family…….I didn't think I would feel this strongly but for some reason I do and Im panicking big style. With my age creeping up I need to start a family soon but don't want to make a huge mistake that I will later regret. Im actually thinking that maybe we should go our separate ways as either way one of us is going to be unhappy. Sorry for the long post………just in a total dilema!!! Any advice would be great!

 

Sorca ,god bless you ,and I genuinely wish you all the best .

I will cut straight to the chase .

I think once your husbands time is up ,there will be another excuse ..he ain't going anywhere .

If you have kids ,it will complicate twenty fold .

If you love him above all else ...the moon the stars and all Tha bollocks ,then you will have to yield .

If not ,leave him and come home .

How would it be at 44 then 54 ,couple of kids ,regretful ,a couple of close relatives have died since .

Its not complicated ,its a no brainer .

Are your parents and siblings priority no 1 ?......well then do it .

You don't need psychiatrists or advice ...its black and white ...DONT WASTE YOUR LIFE

[Rachel Tilley]

Hi Sorca,

 

Sometimes we have to face the fact that marriages don't work out. If you don't want the same things in life it is hard even if you want to be in the same country. When you don't want to be in the same country that is a HUGE factor to consider. As others have said, don't bring a baby in to the world under these circumstances - it will NOT make things better. Having a baby does not fix a problem in a relationship (wished I'd have listened to that - should have never had a baby with my ex but stupidly thought it would make our relationship stronger, doh!) Having said that, I don't regret having my son one bit - but I did end up trapped in Oz because his dad wanted to live there and I didn't. Like you, I longed for my family and friends back home in England but he wanted a life in Oz and didn't give a toss about how unhappy I was. End result was I got to live in England, ex stayed in Oz and poor son had to ping-pong between us both which caused emotional issues for him that are still ongoing.

 

If you're not happy and can't find a compromise to be happy together then you may have to go your separate ways and BOTH be happy albeit alone! BTW, a lady I work with has just gone on maternity leave to have her first baby at 39

[GooseRenders]

Hi Sorca,

Being homesick is the worst. When I was 19, I moved out from the uk to Adelaide to be with my boyfriend. I had the worst homesickness I've ever had in my life for about 6 months. Then all of sudden I secured a temp job for a few months and started making friends, going out for dinner etc, which made a HUGE difference to me, but I know that people deal with things completely differently. Do you work, have you made your own friends outside of your marriage?