Dilemma - I want to move back to Wales but my husband categorically refuses

[Daffodil]

Hi everyone!

 

I am new to this site I have read through many posts but can't find any recent ones similar to my dilemma so I figured I'd submit my very first post in the hope that I can get some advice.

 

I am 36, originally from Wales, moved over to Aus by myself when I was 22 (backpacking after uni and ended up staying) and am now married to an Aussie and we have a 2 and 5 year old. I have lived on the Gold Coast for 14 years.

 

In a nutshell - I want to move back to Wales but my husband absolutely refuses.

 

For whatever reason I just cannot feel settled here. I have tried so hard to embrace this lovely lifestyle and on the surface we have a comfortable life here. We have a nice house, car, friends, hobbies etc but no matter what I do to embrace the lifestyle and opportunities I have a longing to go home as I don't feel like I belong here. I know this sounds ridiculous but it's like I'm constantly on a summer holiday and I'm waiting around for my real life to kick in. I feel so disconnected and empty here. I have such a strong yearning for home and my family and I can't seem to extinguish the desire to move back, even after 14 years. I have tried all sorts of things to improve this mindset, including giving it time, getting involved in lots of varied hobbies, meeting new people, going on long and short local adventures etc. I certainly don't choose to feel like this. I'd love to be able to flick a switch in my head to feel content and happy here. I thought that by having children I would finally feel settled. But that made it worse as I have no family at all here so have no support. I also figured a trip back every year will help me get my Welsh fix but that hasn't helped either (I've been back many times now for holidays).

 

I have been suppressing these feelings for a long while but have finally started over the past year to be honest to my husband about it all. He knows I've always been homesick but hasn't really taken it seriously until now. He cannot possibly comprehend why I feel like this as he reckons we have a great life. I can totally see where he is coming from and I desperately wish I could feel the same. But I can't help the way I feel and it sucks. Urgh. I asked him if he would consider a trial move for a year or so and he flat out refuses. No. Chance. Whatsoever. He told me he can't imagine anything worse than giving up the GC lifestyle to move to Wales! He's been on holiday there so has an understanding of what it is like. He won't even consider moving to a different State in Australia. As far as he is concerned we will live on the GC. Forever.

 

I'm so stuck at the moment. I'm starting to feel like my husband doesn't love me enough to even try to compromise on giving the move a go. But he assures me he absolutely loves me and it's just that he knows that he'll be totally miserable living there. But the only reason I am here is because of him and I'm miserable. He doesn't want to move and I don't want to stay. It's made a million times worse as we have 2 beautiful babies to consider.

 

I'd love some feedback as my friends don't really understand. Any thoughts/advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Marisawright]

You've come to the right place - there are many members here who feel exactly the same way. There is no easy solution but at least you know you're not alone!

[Quoll]

My heart goes out to you - however, you are probably not going to have an option here and your best bet might be to work out how to get on with life. I am also in a mixed marriage, had kids, had a DH who refused to move (changed his mind thank heavens!) but my kids were grown and gone before all came to a head. My husband also used the "but then I would be depressed" argument in one of our discussions - he has since apologised and now living in UK seems to be like a dog with two tails!

 

First, take yourselves off to marriage counselling - you can talk around a subject (and I do mean around) without coming to a decision when you do it on your own but upping the ante a tad and getting third party intervention to help you both focus on what is a liveable compromise situation is going to be a good starting point.

 

Second, your mental wellbeing is at risk here and your GP can help you - situational (exogenous) depression is a very real beast and if it impacts every day of your life, as it seems to be doing with you, it can be "treated". A GP can arrange for a mental health plan for you and some time with a good CBT or ACT therapist might help you with skills which can help you get through every day without wanting to slit your wrists. Please seek help. You've done all the usual things that get trotted out to help you "belong" but it is OK to admit that you don't belong despite having tried (I tried hard for 32 years, nothing happened!)

 

The family court in Aus is not helpful in this regard - if you decide to split from your DH and return to Wales there is no chance that the court would let your kids leave if he said they could not - none at all, zip, zero, nada! He holds all the cards here in this regard so you are probably stuck regardless.

 

As I said, I have been where you are - the question I always came back to is "is this the man I want to grow old beside?" the answer, of course, was yes (Ive had him for 42 years, not going to train up a new one) so my rationale always was that life in Australia with him was less worse than life in UK without him so we compromised as best we could and that meant he ponied up for trips home when and as I needed them. It was not ideal and my mental health really did suffer although I was well equipped with strategies to cope with the depression that overwhelmed me but the thought of being without him kept me going. So I guess that is the question you need to be asking yourself and then working out how you can make all this work for you.

 

Just as a final nail in some coffins - even if he did say yes he would move, could he???? The visa situation for non European spouses is somewhat draconian at the moment. If he has some UK ancestry (grandparents or parents) then he is good to go with an Ancestry visa otherwise a spouse visa is going to be very difficult for you, as a young mum, to contend with (you will need an income of £18.5k pa to sponsor him)

 

So you have my sympathies, I hope you can get some support to help you through all this - it is possible to live in a place you don't want to be but it takes a lot of work. (((hugs)))

[Rosiehome]

I can only sympathise having married an Aussie myself and followed him out here nearly 20 years ago. It is incredibly hard to come to terms with if you're not happy. I absolutely understand all you say about trying all ways to assimilate, but if it doesn't click in your head then it doesn't click. Sadly in these mixed marriages it can feel like one person always has to sacrifice their happiness to appease the other. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Life is too short to be miserable living somewhere you don't want to be.

Is there any way at all he would let you go home with the children? You still obviously love each other, but it can cause a huge strain on your relationship when there is no compromise and you can begin to feel trapped and resentful. Hopefully a counsellor will be able to find some middle ground or ways for you to cope. I truly hope you find a solution. As Quoll says my heart goes out to you.

[xxlornaxx]

I think we get unhappy when we have too many nice choices..like UK or Aus n swing between them instead of just getting on with things. .Both great places to live...but your choice is your husband/kids or UK. ..If I were you I would take moving back to the UK away in your mind as an option for you as it's not really. .well thats If your own family you chose to create mean more to you than wales... then enjoy what you have...home is where you choose to make home..you are doing what a lot of ppl who emigrate do and chances are you would get to UK and feel unsettled again after a while especially with a miserable husband/father....If you trust n love your husband then accept his decision as the best one for your family n don't force or keep talking about an unnecessary change that could cause rifts in your family n disrupt your children...where you live isnt as important as who you are with and your childrens happiness n stability need to be priority. Get on with your life and dont try to suppress your feelings for wales, accept them, say goodbye to that chapter, grieve even n appreciate the visits but enjoy your life as it is (as you say it is good/happy) without too many 'what if' questions, we would all be miserable wherever we lived if we focused on living a different life all the time n the delusion of how great that would be! Your husband says no with good reason so move on. You chose to build a family/home in Aus with an Aus guy, it's unfair on husband to now say you don't want that. All easier said than done I know...and I hope I can take my own advice good luck, I'm sure you will get many different responses buy I agree with your husband and I don't think it reflects his love for you, I think it's a rational decision.

[Rosiehome]

I think we get unhappy when we have too many nice choices..like UK or Aus n swing between them instead of just getting on with things. .Both great places to live...but your choice is your husband/kids or UK. ..If I were you I would take moving back to the UK away in your mind as an option for you as it's not really. .well thats If your own family you chose to create mean more to you than wales... then enjoy what you have...home is where you choose to make home..you are doing what a lot of ppl who emigrate do and chances are you would get to UK and feel unsettled again after a while especially with a miserable husband/father....If you trust n love your husband then accept his decision as the best one for your family n don't force or keep talking about an unnecessary change that could cause rifts in your family n disrupt your children...where you live isnt as important as who you are with and your childrens happiness n stability need to be priority. Get on with your life and dont try to suppress your feelings for wales, accept them, say goodbye to that chapter, grieve even n appreciate the visits but enjoy your life as it is (as you say it is good/happy) without too many 'what if' questions, we would all be miserable wherever we lived if we focused on living a different life all the time n the delusion of how great that would be! Your husband says no with good reason so move on. You chose to build a family/home in Aus with an Aus guy, it's unfair on husband to now say you don't want that. All easier said than done I know...and I hope I can take my own advice good luck, I'm sure you will get many different responses buy I agree with your husband and I don't think it reflects his love for you, I think it's a rational decision.

 

 

I struggle with the idea that the woman has to follow what the husband wants to do. In suggesting the OP would feel unsettled if her husband was unhappy in Wales, but using the same logic how can he be happy and settled in Australia knowing she is so miserable? I know she met and married an Aussie guy and she has tried her best to live the life he wants but if it's making her so sad then isn't there some compromise that can be made? I ended up resenting my husband for insisting we lived somewhere he knew made me unhappy. I have no easy answer but I don't think it's right to just sacrifice your happiness for someone's else's.

[Marisawright]

I struggle with the idea that the woman has to follow what the husband wants to do.

 

I agree. Marriage is all about compromises - but it's not fair or reasonable if one partner does all the compromising and the other partner won't even consider the possibility of making one!

 

@Daffodil - I agree that marriage counselling is essential. Even if he won't agree to go with you, go on your own - it will give you an opportunity to talk things out, and after a couple of visits you can tell him the counsellor feels it would help YOU if HE came along - that way he won't think of it as counselling for himself, he'll see it as helping to "sort you out", and is more likely to go.

 

Right now I feel your husband isn't taking your unhappiness seriously. No doubt you seem to be coping fine, so he thinks you're exaggerating. He's supremely confident that you will never leave him, so he doesn't feel he has to make any concessions. At the very least, announcing that you're seeing a counsellor might make him see it's a real problem.

[Jacaranda]

Sorry XXlorna but I tend to agree with Quoll,Rosie and Marisa on this issue.Ok firstly Daffodil,as you have probably already realised,a nice home etc doesn't always equate to ever lasting happiness.You fell inlove with an aussie (as I did many years ago)based on your feelings you had at that time.I'm not suggesting here you don't love the guy anymore,just your feelings on living in Australia for the rest of your days has.It happens! I have aussie kids,and luckily for me,when I decided to separate,and then return to the UK with them,my OH willingly signed their passport forms! (He wasn't close to our kids in the slightest so this probably made it much easier for him!).

Your husband sounds like my ex actually,in some ways.Some men presume just because you have a nice house,nice lifestyle or whatever,then you must be blissfully happy and they find it hard to understand why you can't be! Of course we know there is more to life than this. I don't know,I'm going to guess at this,but your OH probably has his family fairly close by,and that in itself can make you feel resentful. It seems sometimes its "All about him".Why wouldn't he be happy?He's in his own country of birth,good job,nice house and his family (and extended family presumably)around him.You on the other hand don't!

If it were me,I would be questioning my OH,why he would think it was acceptable that you are so unhappy.Surely your own happiness matters too, doesn't it?Your OH cannot be living his life,happy in the knowledge that you are miserable!

It sounds from your post that you have done everything in your power to try and fit in,and hats off to you for doing that! You are probably already aware of the Hague Convention and how legally that would affect you wanting to move without him back to Wales.Your OH has probably suggested you "Just get on with it"and although that sounds easy in theory,its not.

I agree you should seek some councelling,yes maybe on your own at first and see how that goes.

At the end of the day though,are you willing to accept that you might be miserable for the rest of your days if you don't take any action?

XX LornaXX,yes the OP did choose to marry and have kids with an aussie,based on how "She was feeling at the time"!Feelings do change don't they?I married an aussie,had kids with him,and yes thought at that time we would be together forever! A few years later,my feelings changed towards him,thats life right?There are no guarantee's or are you the sort of person who stays with someone regardless?

[Sammy1]

I struggle with the idea that the woman has to follow what the husband wants to do. In suggesting the OP would feel unsettled if her husband was unhappy in Wales, but using the same logic how can he be happy and settled in Australia knowing she is so miserable? I know she met and married an Aussie guy and she has tried her best to live the life he wants but if it's making her so sad then isn't there some compromise that can be made? I ended up resenting my husband for insisting we lived somewhere he knew made me unhappy. I have no easy answer but I don't think it's right to just sacrifice your happiness for someone's else's.

 

No it's not right, but the reality is that the OP cannot move back to Wales with the children unless the husband gives permission. He holds all of the cards.

 

Tough call, all around. I speak as someone who had to give up the idea of going back long ago and I totally understand the dilemma faced.

[xxlornaxx]

Not right, easy, whatever but it is what it is...husband won't move so compromise is minimal. He may have many good reasons including his own family, best interests of children, etc. Only compromise i can see is that they try it out when kids are independent, but can they even do that, does husband have visa? N will OP be happy to wait that long/compromise? If she wants a divorce then that's different but if she loves him and their was no agreement before marriage that they may move with any future children back to UK then it's unfair on husband who has presumed all these years they were making a family to live in aus. ..I don't think it's fair on kids either to uproot them when one partner isn't keen..or for wives to show the husband how serious she is by threatening/blackmailing divorce or something.. imo to be fair though I'm a terrible wife n never listen to my husband but he is a lovely man and I wish I did let him make some decisions sometimes instead of me bulldozing everything so I guess this is where my view comes from...however her husband may be an ass I don't know lol

[Rachel Tilley]

Hi Daffodil,

 

So sorry to hear of your situation, you are certainly not alone.

 

If you wanted to return to Wales with your children it is not impossible but it would certainly not be easy if your husband refused to allow them to leave Oz. The court process would be lengthy and costly (takes a couple of years and around $50,000). You would have to prove that the move from Oz to Wales would be in the best interests of the children as well as you. There are some mums who have succeeded and some mums who haven't - it really depends on the evidence you put forward and the family court judge on the day!

 

As a mum who was stuck in Oz some years ago and had to go through the court process to return home with my own son I have become aware of how many parents this situation affects. I am part of a support group that has been set up for situations like this so check it out. The website is Expat Stuck Parents and the fb page is Expat Stuck Mums. We started off as Expat Stuck Mums but soon realised that there are some dads who are stuck abroad too who can't return home unless they are prepared to give up their children. We have mums and dads stuck in countries all over the world - 32 different countries at the last count, but mainly in Australia and New Zealand. We have support groups in most of the states of Australia with mums of many different nationalities who no longer want to live there but can't leave. If you want to contact us via our sites then we can put you in contact with the support group on the Gold Coast. There you will find people who understand you completely and will find friends where you do have a common ground!

 

The advice from the others is also great advice and worth following through. You never know where a compromise can be reached, but you need to understand that if your husband did agree to move to the UK 'temporarily' for a year to see how it goes then you would then hold all of the cards and he wouldn't be able to return to Oz unless he was prepared to give up his children which would then leave him trapped here. That could be a reason why he is so reluctant to make the move over here in the first place. There is no such thing as a 'temporary' move when children are involved, it can create huge problems later down the line when parents disagree on what country to live in.

[docboat]

How would it sound if the couple were in Wales and the Aussie husband desperately wanted to return to Australia?

[Sammy1]

How would it sound if the couple were in Wales and the Aussie husband desperately wanted to return to Australia?

 

Just as hard, it's a no win situation either way.

[Quoll]

How would it sound if the couple were in Wales and the Aussie husband desperately wanted to return to Australia?

 

Just the same - you would hope that any couple would be able to come up with a compromise position but at the end of the day I guess the one who can cope the best with displacement is the one that has to give all. It's a bugger and you don't think of these things in the throes of starry eyed love (but, then, of course, this doesn't just happen in mixed marriages although they are slightly more lopsided as one has everything - family, friends, familiar places and the other has nothing). If you've never been the one to have to give all then it must be really hard to understand just how hard it actually is - and there is no saying whether it's the mum or the dad which has to suck it up and get on with life.

[docboat]

Just the same - you would hope that any couple would be able to come up with a compromise position but at the end of the day I guess the one who can cope the best with displacement is the one that has to give all. It's a bugger and you don't think of these things in the throes of starry eyed love (but, then, of course, this doesn't just happen in mixed marriages although they are slightly more lopsided as one has everything - family, friends, familiar places and the other has nothing). If you've never been the one to have to give all then it must be really hard to understand just how hard it actually is - and there is no saying whether it's the mum or the dad which has to suck it up and get on with life.

 

Quite agree. But there are replies which include such as this:

 

If it were me,I would be questioning my OH,why he would think it was acceptable that you are so unhappy.Surely your own happiness matters too, doesn't it?Your OH cannot be living his life,happy in the knowledge that you are miserable!

 

Which begs the question that it would be OK for the husband to accept he should be living his life in misery? Transforming the question may permit a more open review, and open up the hidden biases in responders minds.

 

It is very awkward in a relationship when one partner changes the goalposts and expects the other to "compromise" (cave in under pressure) to a situation not agreed to (or even expected?) before marriage. Under such circumstances, counselling is a priority. Why did the goalposts change? What needs does the goalpost changer now have that were not present before? How can the goalpost changee understand and adjust?

[VERYSTORMY]

Sadly, this is more common than you probably think.

 

We have people in very similar circumstances reasonably regularly.

 

The first thing, as others have mentioned, is counselling for you both.

 

It may well come down though that you will have to make a decision. Stay, and accept you are never going to be happy, but keep your marriage. Or go back to be happy and give up your marriage.

[Guest]

Quite agree. But there are replies which include such as this:

 

 

 

[/color]Which begs the question that it would be OK for the husband to accept he should be living his life in misery? Transforming the question may permit a more open review, and open up the hidden biases in responders minds.

It is very awkward in a relationship when one partner changes the goalposts and expects the other to "compromise" (cave in under pressure) to a situation not agreed to (or even expected?) before marriage. Under such circumstances, counselling is a priority. Why did the goalposts change? What needs does the goalpost changer now have that were not present before? How can the goalpost changee understand and adjust?

 

I think that it's impossible to respond to a situation like the one the O.P. finds herself in without some degree of bias. Those of us who live in Australia in order to keep a family together will almost automatically 'side' with the poster who finds themselves trapped here, whilst those who are here freely (for the want of a better term) are likely to identify with the lot of the O.P.'s partner. For every poster who feels that the O.P.'s husband should give her the chance to return to her home country, there will be at least one who will argue that she 'made her bed' when she came out Australia and hooked up with an Australian. We have a tendency to look at other people's situations through the filter of our own wishes or experiences, so I don't think that there are any hidden biases amongst the responses here.:smile:

[Collie]

Sorry my sympathies are with Dad. My ex relocated (interstate but still a long way) just before the birth of my daughter. She is obstructing my daughter having a proper relationship with her Dad (me). Going through the hell that is the family court system at the moment which is very pro-mother by the way (even when Mum is nuts). But they hate relocation cases and if it gets as serious as a split, I doubt she'd be allowed bring the kids overseas. Reference the case where the Aussie mum left Dad (in Italy) and took the kids to Brisbane "on a holiday", then told him she wasn't going back. It took a couple of years but the kids were forcibly removed from Mum and returned to Dad in Italy (rightly so IMO). There was a follow up story recently where they are doing great and happy as living with Dad in Italy.

 

The OP is free to return to Wales but don't expect to take the kids away from Dad. At the end of the day, the kids come first.

 

I don't think you are there yet and hope it doesn't get that far. Counselling or mediation is the first step. Relationships Australia are reasonable ($ wise).

 

BTW - I know several people who went "home" and realised quite quickly that life was better in Aus (including myself who has boomeranged a couple of times) and returned again. The grass is always greener and location may not be the source of the OP's unhappiness.

 

Good luck

[Diane]

Probably can't add to anything that hasn't already been said, but not being the counselling type of person, my solution would be to stop thinking of what might happen, and just accept that some decisions are irreversible. The decision to move to Australia for you seems to be one of those. The only fix would carry so many downsides (the risk of breaking up your family etc etc) that it just isn't a viable solution.

 

My attitude is always to not waste time, energy and emotion worrying about things that can't be changed. I think all the time you have in the back of your mind that you could move back to Wales in the near future and all live happily ever after, you will feel unsettled. Force yourself somehow to accept that it just ain't gonna happen, put the thought behind you and accept your life will never be perfect, but it's probably better than the alternative.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but most of us migrants are not 100% happy for one reason or another - whether it be the feeling of being a foreigner in a strange land, or missing family, or missing out on family events, or whatever - and it's just something you have to make yourself accept or it will drive you into depression.

[Daffodil]

Oh wow that you all so much for the replies. I absolutely appreciate all your comments. It's actually so good to know that I'm not alone in feeling like this. So refreshing. You've all definitely given me food for thought. I totally agree with the marriage counselling as a first step and my husband is totally on board with this. If I did end up moving back, we both understand that I would be taking the kids with me. Of course it's not what my husband wants but he knows that is the reality of the situation. Who knows if it would get nasty if it actually came to that point, but at this stage we're both trying to talk as openly, honestly and nicely as we can considering it is a tough conversation to have. I'm gutted to be honest that he hasn't told me that he loves us enough to follow us to the end of the earth and will do whatever it takes to make me happy considering I've tried giving Australia 10 years for him! But I know my life isn't a fairytale and I would hate for him to make the move knowing how miserable he would be as that doesn't solve anything.

 

I'm also aware that I may be romanticising what life may be like in Wales and it could not be all that cracked up to be what I thought it would be like to live there again. It's a huge risk and I definitely don't want to be boomeranging back and forth with my beautiful babies in tow. But how do you really know unless you give it a go?

 

I'm in a lose/lose situation and I know it. If I stay, I will spend the rest of my years deep down unhappy and wishing my life away in a place that my heart doesn't belong. If I leave, I will ruin my husband's life and deny the kids an opportunity to see their dad every day and potentially ruin their lives. How awful is that?! Realistically I can't possibly do that to them all can I? As some of the posters have already mentioned, the kids do absolutely come first and I want the best for them. I am so mad at myself for not thinking things through properly before I had children and having the guts to listen to my head. I was young and dumb and got carried away with it all and now I am left with this exhausting dilemma. I just had no idea my life would end up like this. It's certainly not the end of the world though and I know I have potential to turn it all around and be happy again. I just need to figure out how.

 

Thanks again for your comments. They've been hugely helpful and supportive

[Collie]

Hi Daffodil.

 

Be careful what you wish for. Just another perspective re "I'm gutted to be honest that he hasn't told me that he loves us enough to follow us to the end of the earth and will do whatever it takes to make me happy" My ex used to use that line and as 2 counsellors told her - he is not responsible for making you happy, only you can do that. To turn it around, how would you feel if he said " I can't believe you don't love me enough to stay and you want to take my children away from me".

 

Another thing to think about if you end up moving and he allows you to take the kids (I wouldn't) is how they will react when they grow up? You would be denying them the opportunity to have a proper relationship with their Dad and that could come back to bite you when they're older. They could end up hating you. Kids need their Dad just as much as their Mum. Why should they go with you? Their life is here.

 

Sorry if it sounds harsh but it's a subject that is close to my heart and if you followed through on that plan you would not be putting their needs first.

 

You are in a tough spot and I wish you luck.

[akiralx]

Is relocating to another state like Victoria, which might be though more European in climate etc, a compromise option.

[Daffodil]

Sadly no. I'd happily move to a different state to see if a fresh scene will improve things but my husband doesn't want to. He won't move from the Gold Coast!

[Gbye grey sky]

Reading your posts I wish I could say that I have sympathy for your predicament but the overwhelming thought is that the rug could be well and truly pulled out from under your husband. He, and the children, are just as much victims of this obsession you have with returning to Wales as you are.

 

You do not say where in Wales so I assume it is one of the nicer parts (as there are some seriously deprived areas in Wales). Whilst it is an academic point at this stage to some extent have you looked at the visa requirements as it is possible that this could be a big issue anyway. Also are there any realistic job prospects for him there in his field. Without these in place you cannot make any kind of case for him to go there anyway even to try it out and it is important that this should be realistically achievable even if it remains undesirable to him.

 

Call me old-fashioned but sacrifices do have to be made once someone decides to have children. Many couples have to fill their days with dead end jobs which they hate living on a sink council estate just to make ends meet for their sake of their kids for example. By comparison the sacrifice of a comfortable life on the Gold Coast pales somewhat.

[Daffodil]

I totally agree that it will have a devastating effect on my husband and children if I did decide to move, which is why I feel so awful even thinking about it. We're only at the talking about it stage. I'm still here in Australia and still trying to make it work as my children are my top priority. No there aren't any job prospects for him in Wales and even if there were, he still wouldn't move.