Karen75 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 For 5 years my husband worked abroad for 10 weeks at a time while I did everything at home and worked as a teacher. He felt he couldn't get work in UK so we decided that we would look at Australia. I have completed an English test and did EVERYTHING for our application including all of the lengthy security forms for security checks as he had worked abroad. I have organised the sale of our house, on my own with 3 children as when we had to go to Australia to validate our visas at the end of April my husband stayed in Perth to look for work and get settled. I have since packed up the house whilst teaching, exam marking and taking care of the children. In the meantime in Perth, my husband found work through a housemate which is temporary involves waking up at 4am to drive for and hour to work from 6am to 4pm with a 20 min break. He does this Mon - Sat and he is exhausted and was hoping to train to complete a triathalon but is too knackered to do this now. He has applied for over 25 jobs now and for most he has been told his application will not be processed. These are jobs that he could do and has proven experience in but no one will even consider giving him an interview. Recruitment agents promise to phone back and ask him to email his CV then don't bother to get back to him. He feels frustrated and negative and stuck in this employment. It appears that it is a case of its not what you know but who you know. I am in the process of applying for teaching jobs and it looks like Ill be the one who works full time giving my husband the chance to re-train and spend time with the kids (quality time I haven't had because I've been run off my feet doing everything alone!) Due to the time difference he calls me every night and usually rants the whole time about all the negative things he is experiencing and how it is so much better in the UK!!! I am now in an empty house, exhausted and ready to move now with nothing to look forward to. I was so excited thinking well if it doesn't work out we can at least let the kids have a fun year experiencing life in a different country, different schools etc, meet new friends, live near a beach... We are planning to rent initially in case it doesn't work, however, last night my husband called to say that he is trying to be positive but just cant do it. He hates it there and says he thinks we are possibly making the worst mistake of our lives! So what now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itegoa Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 What is his skill/trade? Has he considered looking for work in a different city/state? I'm in software development, and we'd love to move to Perth next year - but the job situation doesn't look very good for software developers out there (at least my area, non-Microsoft stuff). Things look OK for me around Sydney and Melbourne (where we DON'T want to live). Brisbane (our 2nd choice) market is a little better than Perth (not brill). Typical! All depends on his occupation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 last night my husband called to say that he is trying to be positive but just cant do it. He hates it there and says he thinks we are possibly making the worst mistake of our lives! So what now? He's there, he's experiencing what it's really like - why doubt what he says? Just take a look around these forums and you'll soon find many, many people who arrived and realised the "dream" of a better life in Australia was just that - a dream. I wouldn't be uprooting the family for just a "fun year" in Perth - I doubt it will be a fun year! It will take you a few months to get settled - during which time, no doubt, you'll do all the work of getting set up - then you'll have the "fun" of being the main breadwinner and dealing with a husband who's feeling miserable and probably emasculated by being unable to contribute. Could you delay your move for a few months and persuade your husband to try another city? People assume Australia is the same everywhere, but it's not, and different cities suit different people - there are many people who love Perth but I wouldn't live there if you paid me, for instance! Sydney as it's far too expensive, but Melbourne could be worth trying. If you don't mind the heat, Brisbane is also worth considering. I think he also needs to change his job search methods. Phoning recruitment agencies doesn't work - you need to rock up at the office and ask to see someone. He should still do that with the agencies he sent his CV to - drop in, see if he can see the agent for a follow up, and if they can't see him then and there, then make an appointment. Then he needs to ask them point-blank why he's not being considered - it seems strange that he's being told his application won't even be processed, unless there's something fundamental he needs to address, like getting qualifications recognised. He needs to find out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Who has said they won't process his applications and what are the reasons behind it? It might be helpful if a company has said this to him that he asks to make an appointment for application feedback. Is there a selection criteria? In health all the jobs that are advertised have a selection criteria - which you need to address - this will get you short listed. If you don't address it - then they will look at the CV to see if they can find the information - if they can't then the person isn't short listed. The thing with CV's is that we tend to dot point skills etc., but the selection criteria will ask you to demonstrate - so they're looking for examples. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainC Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 @Karen75 as a person that works away for long periods I can relate. I have those exact same rants from time to time on the phone. I'm just hazarding a guess here but maybe your husband feels a bit lonely. I know that I have felt like that in the past and when my wife was able to join me I felt like I could take on the world again. Looking at the positives, he has a job albeit one which involves long hours and a hell of a commute and you'll soon be joining him. Good luck with everything, I do hope that you all settle in well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teejams Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Oh poor you Karen75 it's so difficult. You've done so much and got so far in the process. If you don't go now that you're so near, you'll never know! I'd go, yes your hubby may be right, yes you may hate it, but you can see that first hand and make the decision together, with no blame on one person. Take a risk, have an adventure and come back if you don't like it. Good Luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Does he have the right licences for his job? What visa is he on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainR Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I know this sounds harsh, but he needs to grow up. We are 18 months in, and the first year of those i sacrificed for my family by working away far more then I would have liked, and only now is life settling down. There were times with work that I felt sick and tired of it all, but when I knew my wife and children were happy I accepted the sacrifices. Now things have settled down, and our balance has been regained, that all seems like a distant nightmare/dream. Migrating isn't an easy ride, and isn't for the weak hearted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainC Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Is there a selection criteria? In health all the jobs that are advertised have a selection criteria - which you need to address - this will get you short listed. If you don't address it - then they will look at the CV to see if they can find the information - if they can't then the person isn't short listed. @Karen75 Ali makes a really good point here, a few years ago I was applying for a whole heap of jobs in Aus and got nothing back despite having all of the experience and qualifications. It was only when I was chatting to a friend and he sent me an example of his application that I noticed that he had a separate sheet with how he addresses the particular selection criteria for that particular job. When I started doing that, the phone started to ring. It's not something I'd ever seen in the UK but I'm led to believe it's a fairly standard part of the recruitment process in Australia. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Also some trades ( if that's what he has ) require good old knocking on doors. Literally turning up at the workplace resume in hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bungo Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Well one positive to focus on is that he is there and is in full time work, which provides breathing space whilst he looks for the dream job. There is rising unemployment in Australia and particularly Perth so this is no mean feat. And I don't understand the issue with the hours, they sound perfectly normal to me, other than it is six days a week, which is excessive IMHO. Does he definitely have to do the six days? Going back to the Perth employment situation, had he tried looking in other cities? Or have you at least contemplated and discussed this? Regardless, I do think you need to take his concerns seriously, pressing on when one of you already hates it seems like a recipe for disaster to me. Maybe you should pull out while you can, to avoid making a huge mistake, or maybe you consider another part of Australia. Finally an observation as a neutral party, but you do seem a little angry at what appears to be you doing all the work. When you are looking are children you say you are run off your feet, when he will be looking after them you call it "quality time". I think that maybe you could try harder to acknowledge the value of his contribution to the partnership you have. He is currently out there, working hard for the family, you are both playing important roles and are a team. I think in many migrations, one person ends up doing all the paperwork and the organisation, I did for us, but my OH does plenty of other things for the household. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I haven't been in the situation but do wonder from an employer's point of view why they would hire a newly arrived person from overseas. Unless they are clearly the best person for the job, I would think an employer may see there is a risk. Will the person fit in ? Will they go back home etc etc. ? But obviously migrants do get employed so can't always be an issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ayrshire2oz Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I also work away for four months at a time and I definitely agree with what the Captain says, my personal experience are that being lonely can make you much less resilient to external pressures, can become oversensitive, question your ability, feel guilty for missing out on time with family, and just generally wish you weren't where you are. my experience on reuniting is that the minute I see my family again these feelings melt away instantly & feel "ready to take on the world" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I also work away for four months at a time and I definitely agree with what the Captain says,my personal experience are that being lonely can make you much less resilient to external pressures, can become oversensitive, question your ability, feel guilty for missing out on time with family, and just generally wish you weren't where you are. my experience on reuniting is that the minute I see my family again these feelings melt away instantly & feel "ready to take on the world" And you and the others that work away should feel very proud of yourselves, you're making an amazing sacrifice for your families future and it should be applauded IMO and experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Do you have a position to move to? If not I'd be looking to where he can get a job be that in Aus or UK or Timbuctu if necessary. Teaching is not easy in Aus either - too many teachers in the places that people actually want to live, short term contracts for a long time before permanence. See what you can retrieve from the situation before making a massive move. Can you retain your job, has the house finalized or can you back pedal? Getting a job when you are depressed is not a good outlook either unfortunately. Good luck - rock and hard place! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country vic Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Ranting at you?? really, why are you accepting that. Who does he think he is ranting at you, and why do you accept it, do you think you deserve to be ranted at. OK we can all lose our rag from time to time but if it's bad, regular, or in any way abusive, rules need to be laid down, break the rules and you hang up. You are his wife, and have stresses of your own, you are not his thearapist, mother, accountant, recruitment advisor, or nurse, if he needs help controlling his feelings or dealing with his frustrations then he should seek support in an appropriate way from appropriate people. It can be hard for anyone finding a good job, no one likes rejection but it that way it is, no one owes us a living, we need patience and reliance, if he has anger and entitlement problems people will pick up on that and won't want him around. I can get pretty angry myself when I feel the 'locals' don't treat me very well, but I have to remind myself people have their own lives, I am nothing to them, why should they use their time and energy worrying about me when they already have their friends and family. People here, in my experience, aren't that interested in including outsiders, but why should they be, they didn't invite me, they don't owe me anything. I know I have said this before but, while Internet forums have their place, they are not the right place to seek insight into, potentially serious issues. A forum post only gives very brief and limited information, not enough for anyone, qualified or otherwise, to be giving 'advice'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainC Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Ranting at you?? really, why are you accepting that. Who does he think he is ranting at you, and why do you accept it, do you think you deserve to be ranted at. OK we can all lose our rag from time to time but if it's bad, regular, or in any way abuseive, rules need to be laid down, break the rules and you hang up. You are his wife, and have stresses of your own, you are not his thearapist, mother, accountant, recruitment advisor, or nurse, if he needs help controlling his feelings or dealing with his frustrations then he should seek support in an appropriate way from appropriate people. It can be hard for anyone finding a good job, no one likes rejection but it that way it is, no one owes us a living, we need patience and reliance, if he has anger and entitlement problems people will pick up on that and won't want him around. I can get pretty angry myself when I feel the 'locals' don't treat me very well, but I have to remind myself people have their own lives, I am nothing to them, why should they use their time and energy worrying about me when they already have their friends and family. People here, in my experience, aren't that interested in including outsiders, but why should they be, they didn't invite me, they don't owe me anything. I know I have said this before but, while Internet forums have their place, they are not the right place to seek insight into, potentially serious issues. A forum post only gives very brief and limited information, not enough for anyone, qualified or otherwise, to be giving 'advice'. The OP doesn't say ranting at her. She says that he is ranting about negative experiences, and how much better it is in the UK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyHeart Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 So he's here..lucky to have a full time job with an average commute, normal hours and a break...and he's unhappy? This is not unusual. You're there...doing your usual of organising the rest of your lives? This man needs a reality check. Are your expectations unrealistic? Are his? A rethink required on all levels I would say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country vic Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 A ranting phone call is not something I would look forward to receiving, especially if I was exhausted and doing so much on my own without any support, assistance or appreciation. Of course I am it in a position to offer anything other than general comment and observation as I can't know about a persons personal circumstances and I am not qualified but I do see red flags. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bungo Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 A ranting phone call is not something I would look forward to receiving, especially if I was exhausted and doing so much on my own without any support, assistance or appreciation. Of course I am it in a position to offer anything other than general comment and observation as I can't know about a persons personal circumstances and I am not qualified but I do see red flags. Sometimes you have to listen to your OHs rants. Is he not entitled to feel stressed or unhappy? You could say he is doing a lot by himself too, he is out there, in an unfamiliar land, by himself, trying to pave the way for the family. I think both of them could do with trying to see things from the others perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainC Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Sometimes you have to listen to your OHs rants. Is he not entitled to feel stressed or unhappy? You could say he is doing a lot by himself too, he is out there, in an unfamiliar land, by himself, trying to pave the way for the family. I think both of them could do with trying to see things from the others perspective. Absolutely Bungo, you've hit the nail on the head. My job stresses me out sometimes and I get on the phone and have a rant, (vent, things off my chest, however you want to describe it) when people are apart and indeed not apart, they just need to vent sometimes, it just seems worse when it's a phone call a day or every couple of days because there isn't any of that personal contact to just chat about things and the result is that everything all comes out at once. It's not a bad thing, because that is what marriage is all about.....sharing the good and bad and being supportive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 last night my husband called to say that he is trying to be positive but just cant do it. He hates it there and says he thinks we are possibly making the worst mistake of our lives! So what now? Hi Karen, from your original post it's the last bit that jumped out at me, and I think this is what you both need to seriously discuss before you and the children leave the UK. I don't know the reason why your husband has moved ahead of you, but he has gone out there and is trying to find a lifestyle that he can sustain, enjoys and will give the family some quality. He has been unable to do that. He has experienced the reality of life in Australia and is realising that it is not perhaps offering what you had hoped and dreamed of, and that the lifestyle you have/had in the UK is better. Getting up at 4am, an hours drive to work, a ten hour shift with only a twenty minute break, an hours drive home six days a week is going to have a stressful effect on anyone, anywhere in the world. Him trying to retrain for a new job whilst managing the child care whilst you work full time is going to be hard work, and take some adjusting to as it will be a role change in your relationship for both of you. Have an honest discussion. Is it better to scrap the idea and salvage what you can of your life in the UK? If he is struggling with the work hours whilst out there alone then he is going to struggle with those hours when you all get there, plus having the added pressure of 'quality family time' to throw in. He may be able to go to bed as soon as he gets home at the moment when he's totally worn out, but that won't be what's expected when you all arrive. You say you are planning to rent in case the move doesn't work out. Perhaps the experience he is having is already proving that, and he's had the benefit of finding that out before you ALL make the move. If you know in advance that your are moving to a new country where you have uncertainty and possible long term unemployment ahead of you, that the reasons you were moving for are now all topsy turvy and not what the move was meant to be about it is worth reconsidering your options at this point, not some later point. If your husband thinks that this could be a huge mistake for the family you may have to trust him on that. It is an awful situation that you find yourself in. A long time of preparation, many things already in place, and certain things already done that can't be undone (the furniture having gone already) but there are still some things that you can get back under control. The most important thing is the happiness of both you and your husband. If you are BOTH happy with the decisions that you make then hopefully your children will be happy too, and a happy family is the most important thing of all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 That's very sound advice from Rachel and you should look at some of her other posts or her book, I seriously would not migrate with a partner who is not as committed as you are when you have children. Okay he is already there but the purpose was about him finding work which does not seem to have worked out as planned - your husband should come home and you should re-consider all your options together. Finding work (anywhere) is very much about who you know or at least knows the places you have worked and in Perth he has no contacts or context to rely on. It is far better to back out now than in a year or two's time. I appreciate that is a very brave move, we went to Perth on a reccie and with hindsight we knew it wasn't all that great but my husband got two job offers whist we were there and it just felt too hard to turn down the opportunity - we were too afraid we'd regret it. If I'm honest I don't regret going but with hindsight it was not the right thing for us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country vic Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 'Ranting' is not an appropriate way to deal with stress. I understand ranting means different things, a light hearted, short lived, moan about something that has got on our nerves is one thing, angry ranting is not OK. If a person is finding their job creats anger, frustration or stress, especially over a prolonged time, that could be a sign they are in the wrong job. If, for the most part, we are performing competently and have the necessary skills for our work it should not be a source of onging stress that causes us to rant. Regular ranting at a partner, parent, the kids, the dog, the neighbours, the driver of the car that you think cut you off, a cyclist or slowed you down for a whole 30 seconds ..... is a red flag. There are more appropriate and productive ways of addressing stress. We are seeing a lot of anger out there, a lot of it is male anger. Family support should not involve excess anger, support is a two way street. I often see women 'doing everything' why, if a couple choose to make a big move surely the work and responsibly should be shared. Angry ranters need to confront their issues before ranting escalates to something worse. Let me make it clear I am not talking about about the sort of frustrations we see people express on Room 101 or Grumpy Old Men/Women, or when we share problems of life in a non-threatening, often amusing way, I like hearing those things and they are an appropriate way of expressing frustrations. The test might be if this the behaviour was recorded would I be embarrassed if I watched it back, would I talk to the target of my 'ranting' in this way in front of other people or in public. Does your target tip-toe on egg shells around you when you are in rant mode. Does your ranting cause distress to the person at the receiving end of it, or is it a useful and productive discussion of problems. What outcome are we seeking from our ranting, is it to make the other person feel bad or is it to seek remedies and improve the situation going forward. After you calm down (assuming you do) have you sat down and talked to the receiver of the rants how they feel about it, if they would like you to stop, would they feel comfortable telling you honestly how the ranting makes them feel. One thing I miss about the UK is that going down the pub having a moan to your mates, this type of exchange often ends up with a laugh and helps us to get things in perspective. Angry ranting is another matter, next time record yourself and play it back later, maybe let someone else listen and see if it's harmless or potentially damaging. I am off to take my dog for a walk, that is a good way for me to clear my head and watching my dog enjoy skipping about makes me smile, hard to be angry and smile at the same time. Note: this is a general observation not a reply to particular post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I like a lot of what you say Country vic. I have three goods friends and we quite often have a pub lunch and have a good old natter about life in general. When my husband was younger he would go for a game of squash if things weren't going well at work. Took out all his frustrations on the squash court :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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