kellyjamie Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Hi everyone well i never ever ever thought id be typing this post 7 yrs after joining the group and 4 yrs of hard work to get here but after 2 yrs here in brissy we both miss Scotland more than we thought and mainly our family and friends. we have just had our 2nd baby girl 10weeks ago and i think it has bought it home to us what weve left behind. We have very very few friends here and believe me we have tried hard. We are defo financially better off here but we also find it very expensive to live and to travel. So all our plans of travelling this side of the world arent really happnin as its fairly costly to fly anywhere. Im going home with the baby next week for 3 weeks see how i feel hubby would go home tomorrow. The thing is we do love it here we are not at that point of despising everything and anything far from it. Its just that we actually miss home. I dread the thought of having to have another ridiculously hot xmas that feels nothing like xmas. I hate that when my eldest daughter goes out to play she comes in crying after another flippin huge ant bite, the summer in qld this year has been unbearable its lasted over 6mths now and is not enjoyable. We find everything very expensive, what id guve for a quick weekly shop round asda! We miss the support of friends n family. We miss the social life we had back home which just does not exist here. I can't stand the heat, amd we kind if feel like were just living day to day here??im not sure if ul understand what i mean by that. Ive always said life isnt any better here its just different. Im trying to not feel like weve failed and fell flat on our faces but it feels a little like that. Anyhow thankfully we can air our feelings in this little secret corner of the forum amd know we wont be lynched lol x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I've been on these forums for a while, and it seems that the biggest reason people go home is missing friends and family - and it's usually people who've just started their own family who feel it the most. Having children changes your whole attitude to life and I think you have to remember that. You're not the same couple who came out to Brissy 7 years ago - they had different priorities. You've got to think about what matters to your family NOW, not what mattered to you then. I know it's hard to think about what people will say when you get home - you don't want them thinking of you as a failure. However, don't let that prevent you from doing what YOU want. The embarrassment will pass in no time, whereas if you stay in Brissy, the feeling of homesickness won't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thinker78 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 If you've got citizenship you've nothing to lose. Babies do change everything and you know what, it's sooooo much easier if you've got some kind of family support there. And, they aren't little for long. I really regret my family missing out on so much of the early years. You can't get them back. Don't feel like a failure. You did what many would never do, and you're not the first to re-adjust priorities once you have your own family. It's perfectly normal to need family and long term friends when life slows down around babies. Ultimately, do it now whilst they are small. You can always come back, if you really miss the intense heat and surreal Christmasses Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Sorry to hear that Kelly, I remember how hard you worked to get there! Has your thought to try somewhere else been consigned to the back burner or fallen off the agenda altogether? Enjoy your holiday then see how you feel. Most of us on here know exactly where you're coming from but one thing you must not do is ever to think of yourself as having failed! Life is all about making decisions about where your next step will be and you make those decisions based on the best information you have on the day. No decision is wrong it's just that the parameters change and at your next decision point you're dealing with new and different information! A caution though, don't expect to move back to exactly what you had! The world has turned since you left and you may find some things have changed that you weren't expecting. If you do move on, think of it as a move forward, hope for the best, plan for the worst and take what comes! good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I think my first post in the MBTTUK part of the forum was titled 'I never thought I'd find myself here' I don't think any of us do. One of the hardest parts is letting go of the dream - but that's all it was. Our experience was similar in Perth - I have never found it hard to make friends ever - god I'm English and I even quickly made friends in Scotland It just seemed impossible to get beyond acquaintances, I feel as if what Australians consider friendship is something different. I don't know if it was just the people we met but lots of socialising seemed to be done as families or at least as couples and god I yearned for girls nights out. We were financially worse off & whilst I enjoyed our road trips and camping in WA I was already getting bored and like you say flying anywhere is so expensive. It was actually cheaper for us to fly back to the UK and go snowboarding in France than to go to New Zealand - not that we did 'cos we couldn't afford it!! I don't think life was really worse in Australia, it was just living day to day - we could have stayed but after a couple of weeks holiday in Scotland suddenly I saw no reason to. For a couple of years I'd said if I could have peeked into the future and seen what our life was like in Australia I wouldn't have bothered but there was no reason to go home - the holiday showed us there was! Our friends were just so glad to have us back - to be honest it amazed me, we weren't even going to settle back in Falkirk, we planned to live in Edinburgh, our son is even at school in Edinburgh but we were just accepted back so warmly, we even got a 'Welcome Back' pack with all kinds of Scottish treats and winter survival items. When I expressed my amazement, a friend said 'there was a Jules shaped hole when you left so of course you fitted straight back in'. We have had people we knew in Australia come and visit but I know there is no Jules shaped hole there. Quoll is right though - we were probably lucky and the experience will have changed you and people will have changed since you've been away so if you do go back try not to have expectations - if you had never left things would have changed in two years, it's just more noticeable when the changes hit you all at once. We have never looked back since we returned, I am happier than I have ever been in my life - I certainly don't regret our time in Australia and the bad times are fading leaving me just with lovely memories, absolutely no desire to return though. I had expected we'd go back for holidays but I understand now the people that leave the UK and don't visit because it just feels like a waste of money to go to some places we've already been and see a few people who weren't really friends! I even embrace the weather more now because the alternative of heat is far far worse. We've had two wonderful Christmases, our first was in Aviemore in the snow and our son still believed so it could not have been more magical. The only thing I'd say is to repeat what I said on your post on the main forum, I wouldn't be making any decisions so soon after having a baby. Scotland isn't going anywhere but once you set the wheels in motion for coming back it might be hard to put the brakes on - a bit like when you're coming out. I'm assuming you don't have citizenship but your baby will have, whilst I don't think parents should move to be with their children really, it is something to think about. To gain citizenship you'd be staying another 2-3 years though, how would that feel? Enjoy your trip home but remember it is a holiday and you have a new baby - you will be the centre of attention but real life won't be like that. One of the reasons I was so sure was we had the holiday from hell - we were supposed to be going to T-in-the-park and I ended up in hospital instead Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Friends and family are a good excuse although it plays a part, you just dont like Oz, come back and you will appreciate the UK like you would never have guessed, in some ways its good going to another country to live as it makes you realise the grass just aint greener. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellyjamie Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone and thankyou for your input and support. hubby and have been chatting the past couple of days and i feel that it will be inevitable we will return to scotland orobably within the next 2 years. We get our citizenship in jan next year and we would not go before we had that. Hubby has a young half brother back home, hes 7 and we lost hubbys dad 6 weeks after his little bro was born. Hubby really has a strong pull that he wants to be there for him growing up, he wants to be the one to take him to football games etc as their dads not here. i miss my parents terribly even more so now baby has been born. I am an only child and i know 100% the day i get the call to say one of my parents is in hospital gravely ill, i will absolutely have to go home to care for them. I thought i could be selfish and not do that but i cant and 2 amd a bit yrs on and i know id never live with myself if i wasnt there for them when that time comes. I honestly honestly 100% assure use we have tried to make friends here. We are very social and the type of folk to always organise get togethers or nights out etc, but trying to get people here to do that is impossible. We were burnt badly by a group of expats we thought were friends when we moved here only to turn out they weren't. Long story. And now im just over it. I also genuinely cant stand the awful heat up here in Qld. If heat were just the problem we would go to melbourne tomorrow as we have old friends from back home down there who would welcome us with open arms, but ive realised its more than that. My 18yr old son is back home with his dad, he has had a rocky 6mths back on track now but it broke my heart not being there. My eldest daughter misses my folks terribly aswell. And a materialistic thing as i said before is xmas. we just can not get into here at all. This xmas (our 2nd here) was the first time i really seen hubby homesick. I absolutely agree sometimes u need to leave to appreciate what u had. We love Australia we really do its a beautiful country, thats afforded us a great job and new career for my husband and afforded us to have another child, its got great sunshine beautiful beaches and interesting wildlife, but its just not home amd we dont feel it ever will be. Edited March 27, 2015 by kellyjamie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Just trust your gut instincts hon.People will try and offer all sorts of advice about trying to stay put but if you know in your hearts its not right for you,then you need to go to plan B.I wouldn't worry too much into the future.You need to do what dictates your feelings now,not in 2,5 or how ever many years time.Live in the present time and you'll fine happiness and peace.Also don't worry about what folk will say when you get back home. Of course you're always going to get "What are you doing back here"but probably only from people who have either never been to Australia or lived there.Best wishes and I hope you have a very happy "now"(not future because the future hasn't happened yet lol)xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huggy75 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hi Kellyjamie - I totally get you with everything you've just said. I got homesick during my pregnancy but stuck it out to make sure it wasn't just the hormones. My Son is now 19 months old and we are moving back in May/June. We took the time to do Citizenship too so your plan for that would be very sensible. Next year might seem a long time away but believe me it will fly by. I really understand what you mean about the friendship bit, we've been burned like that too! I literally only have one friend here who I met through Anti-natal class (and she's British!), we try to make sure that we meet for coffee/play dates for the boys once a week just so we have something to look forward to each week. I'm also in Brisbane and would be happy to meet with you for coffee (with or without kiddies), if you ever want a person to chat to :-) Just PM me if you would like. Take care, keep your chin up and you'll work it all out in the end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VERYSTORMY Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I can sympathise a lot with what you are going through. We have been in Oz 7 years, and not made an actual "friend". Lots of acquaintances, but nothing more than that and to be honest, most of the expats i have met are simply odd! I also struggle with the heat and it is only the last couple of weeks i have really appreciated how much. I am currently in far north Sweden - 150km north of the arctic circle and in deep snow, temps rarely get above 0 with night time temps around minus 10. But, i am soooo much more comfortable. So, i know now, that if i am comfortable in this extreme, just how uncomfortable i find the Perth heat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I am very grateful for this site! It must be so hard to have a young bub and want to share all the experience with close friends and family. I did wonder whether my inability to make friends here was an age thing (in my 50's) or a personality thing (I hate small talk and superficiality) but I'm coming round to the fact that I just don't fit the culture. I'm over chatting about business deals and commercial interests and bored with the blandness of it all. My hubby doesn't get it - he thinks the people we meet are very pleasant (which they are) but doesn't need close friendships. LR- totally with you on girls nights out - just not done here - For now I'll just stick to meeting up with pommy ex pats- was never my intention to filter Aussies out of my social life, but they're just too busy to let people like me in .... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 The "friends" thing is interesting. After 32 years I didn't really have any either so I don't think it was an age thing cos it didn't happen in my 30s, 40s 50s or even 60s. I guess I don't suffer fools gladly and I strenuously object to being "used" and I felt, rightly or wrongly, that a lot of acquaintanceships were more of the "what can I get out of this" rather than the "what can we share from this". The few friends I do have were either long term expats like myself and we just sort of gravitated together because we shared something in common (displacement) or people I worked closely with on disaster recovery (and some were in both groups). There's nothing like working in a disaster to have you need to trust and be part of a team - you can't be a recovery worker on your own. Those friends have stuck reasonably well but I don't recommend everyone become embroiled in a disaster just to make friends! I guess having the capacity to take or leave friendships is a sanity saver - it didn't bother me really that I didn't have many friends and as long as I had my DH and my family I didn't really "need" them but it's nice to have them. Interestingly, since I moved back my UK friends are scattered all over but when we do get together it's as if the intervening periods just evaporated and the laughs continue. I've made new friends and I'm surprised at how easy it was in comparison. My new friends aren't all the same age as me but age is irrelevant. No one has asked me what car I drive, how much my house is worth, what "level" I work at, what profession I was, where I'm going on holiday (and how they got a better but cheaper car, kitchen, holiday) - we talk a lot about wool, wool shows and what we're knitting but not about how much it costs, how their cashmere is better than my alpaca etc it's much more of a sharing relationship and laughs - lots and lots of laughs, I don't think I ever had those side splitting girlie chats in Aus - I missed laughing! My UK friends are so much more "friendly" (struggling for the right word) - when my DH goes back to Aus for his annual trip for example, my friends (unasked and unexpected) gather round to support me - it's not intrusive but I know they're there if the brown stuff hits the whirly thing. Similarly a few of them have had some hard times recently and I'm there for them - it's just a whole different ballgame! LOL, sorry, Jamie, ramblings probably don't help other than perhaps to say that you're not alone with the "friends" thing - and I think the Scots are, on balance, probably even better friends than we Southern English (known for our stiff upper lip reserve -ha!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I'm not sure whether its where I live in oz or cos I'm a gobshite! But I've never had a problem making friends here & all are Aussie. My closest friend say she envies the fact that I make friends so easily & that she's going to miss me a lot when I go home. We have girls nights out & hang out having coffee at the park with the kids. But I know it's me who organises every thing & gathers everyone together. But if it wasn't for these lasses I think my time here would've been a lot worse xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I'm not sure whether its where I live in oz or cos I'm a gobshite! But I've never had a problem making friends here & all are Aussie. My closest friend say she envies the fact that I make friends so easily & that she's going to miss me a lot when I go home. We have girls nights out & hang out having coffee at the park with the kids. But I know it's me who organises every thing & gathers everyone together. But if it wasn't for these lasses I think my time here would've been a lot worse xx I think it's because you're the one who does all the work - I used to be that way when my kids were little, even ended up organizing the local playgroup for my sins. If I didnt drive social activities no one else could be bothered - that's sort of what I meant by them being in it for what they could get out of it rather than being in it to share. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helz980 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I think you are spot on!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I do think though that the friends you make when you're having your first baby tend to be pretty close - these were the friends I came back to I did wonder if I'd had my son in Australia whether it would have been easier - not least because 6 months maternity leave gives you a better chance of making friends than working full time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mygirlies Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) I can relate... Since moving to Aus I have really struggled to make friends. I had no problems at all back in the UK. And friends felt like your community. But here its been the opposite. I thought I had made a couple of good friends along the way. And I didn't t seem to have a problem making them. But each one stabbed me in the back one way or another. Not only that but I have been horrendously bullied here. I 'know' people...now. But like yourself. Only acquaintances. And this is partly my doing now as I am on fear of trying to make friends as I don't feel people are really genuine here. Its lonely, thats for sure! I find myself feeling isolated due to this...which brings on other issues of 'wanting to feel at home'... which has resulted in me moving 6 times in 3 years, different states too. Trying to find my place here. I am moving one last time later in the year. I have found a place where I think I will fit in. My beliefs, my values and my lifestyle. So I am hoping I will be able to connect with these people. That said, I have decided this is my last move. If I still don't 'feel it'. I will make plans to return home. The weather sucks! I live quite a fair bit north from you in Northern Queensland and the humidity here is ridiculous. I am over it! But as mentioned above I am moving to a more cope-able place... I truly miss the fresh mornings, the snow, the dew on the grass and the cozy evenings with a blanket. I believe that the UK for us, whether we find ourselves bored at times (it happens wherever you are), cold, less off etc... We have a sense of contentment there. It wouldn't matter if you spend a sunday indoors on a rainy day, with a cuppa and a girly friends.. we feel we belong. This is so important. We feel at ease. Here I don't get that connection with this place. No matter what I do. Time will only tell I suppose, for all of us Edited April 9, 2015 by mygirlies Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
H283 Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 I believe that the UK for us, whether we find ourselves bored at times (it happens wherever you are), cold, less off etc... We have a sense of contentment there. It wouldn't matter if you spend a sunday indoors on a rainy day, with a cuppa and a girly friends.. we feel we belong. This is so important. We feel at ease. ) You have just summed up exactly how I feel about home! :smile: Hit the nail on the head! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 I think it's because you're the one who does all the work - I used to be that way when my kids were little, even ended up organizing the local playgroup for my sins. If I didnt drive social activities no one else could be bothered - that's sort of what I meant by them being in it for what they could get out of it rather than being in it to share. Yep, when I got here I was all for organising nights out and have hosted umpteen BBQs/parties - people are happy to come but the only ones that reciprocate are British or Asian. Got bored with doing all the work - never experienced this in the UK. So only cater for a limited few now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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