Jane71 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Hi new to this but need some impartial advice. my husband and I went to oz on visit after getting pr visa. I worked but hubby had trouble getting employment. We came back to uk ready to tell everyone that we were going to make the move permanently but when it came to it I bottled out as I am finding it difficult to tell my parents as they are dead against the idea. My oh and I had a massive falling out and he moved back to oz on his own leaving me and our child. I said I'd try to discuss with parents but they will be devastated and I feel so guilty as I Have to choose between oh and parents plus option of being a single parent. I'm in such a state. To top things off only couple of months left on visa!!!! any advice would be greatly appreciated :arghh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I don't understand why you flew back to the UK to tell people you were going to move permanently. Surely if you had been there for a while already and you found a job while your OH was looking for work then your parents knew where you were going anyway. Seems like you are missing out some important elements. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rvaria Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I am wondering why you are still with this guy if he abandons you like this. Unbelievable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Are you sure this is between choosing your OH and your parents hon?I could be reading this wrong but it sounds like you are hesitant to move over to Oz,because you might not fully trust your OH.As he has already gone without you,its no wonder you could be feeling insecure. On the other hand,if you love this guy and will be safe and secure with him,and you feel its the right move for you and your child,then you shouldn't worry too much about telling your parents of your plans. Most parents ideally would like their kids to stay close by,but in reality most parents are aware this might not happen. For all you know,your parents might be expecting you to go. You need to be aware of something though,that you might not be already,and that's if you move to Oz with your child,and things don't work out (either you don't get along,or you don't settle)your OH can stop you leaving Aust with your child. You need to think on a deeper level ok? Imagine yourself over there,no family, and your relationship ends?You would be basically stuck there if your OH didn't approve of you going back with your child. Ive read a few posts over the years of Mums being stuck and feeling depressed and isolated. Please think about this carefully. Can you discuss this with your parents? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellers and Whitehead Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Do you want to be together?do you want to live in Oz together? ?? I'm sorry, if I offend but if so you need to man up and tell your parents. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane71 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 Hi thanks for the reply. It's not that I don't love my oh or don't trust him but although it was always our dream things changed for me when we had our child and i feel we could if he wanted to make a good like in the uk if we put more effort in but he will not give up his dream even though as I said I was the one working in oz to support that dream. I am really close to my mum but he thinks we should live our own lives and not worry about how it effects others. I just worry that I will resent him if I make the move & I keep thinking of leaving my family behind for good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bound4Tassie Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Hmm, has he buggered off leaving his child behind ( and wife!) or did he go under the assumption you were joining him shortly? If it's the former and he'll ditch you and his own flesh & blood so easily, I wouldn't be chasing him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Hi thanks for the reply. It's not that I don't love my oh or don't trust him but although it was always our dream things changed for me when we had our child and i feel we could if he wanted to make a good like in the uk if we put more effort in but he will not give up his dream even though as I said I was the one working in oz to support that dream. I am really close to my mum but he thinks we should live our own lives and not worry about how it effects others. I just worry that I will resent him if I make the move & I keep thinking of leaving my family behind for good. Take a look around these forums and you'll see several examples of women whose feelings changed completely when they had a child. That transformation doesn't happen to the father to nearly the same extent. Remember, he's used to being the person you love most in the world - then a baby arrives and nobody warned him he'd be demoted to second place. That's always hard for a man to adjust to, but because you're putting your parents' feelings before his, he now feels you're putting him in THIRD place, so he's feeling rejected and unloved and that may be why he's taken off. I do think he should've been more mature about it, but if you try to understand his view point that might help you discover how to smooth things over and arrive at a compromise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akiralx Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Take a look around these forums and you'll see several examples of women whose feelings changed completely when they had a child. That transformation doesn't happen to the father to nearly the same extent. Remember, he's used to being the person you love most in the world - then a baby arrives and nobody warned him he'd be demoted to second place. That's always hard for a man to adjust to, but because you're putting your parents' feelings before his, he now feels you're putting him in THIRD place, so he's feeling rejected and unloved and that may be why he's taken off. Sorry, that just reads like simplistic and misandrous 'Women's Weekly' psychology. 'Nobody warned him he'd be demoted to second place..' - come on, real relationships don't play out like Hollywood rom-coms... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 If your parents weren't around where would you want to be? Having a child changes family dynamics as you'd expect and all of a sudden you recognize and appreciate the support you get from extended family which you didn't need when you were free and unencumbered. Personally, I'd be raising the red flags here - if you're undecided then don't go because you WILL be trapped in Aus if you ever decided you didn't want to stay there (read The Hague Convention thread). Im afraid I don't have much time for people who put dreams before people! What on earth was he thinking to leave his wife and child just because he fancied some sun, sand and surf? It's not as if this was a choice between Australia and some godforsaken Third World War zone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Surely you chose between your parents and you other half when you got married. If it came to a "who to support" argument you would hopefully be supporting your hubby, otherwise you should have stayed single. Strange that you went back in the first place, I think you had done the hardest work. Didn't you get the PR visa ratified? I guess you must have if you worked. Was there a bit of resentment that you were working and he wasn't? My wife got a job after we'd been here for 2 weeks and I was out of work for 5 months. She new how much I wanted a job though and we were always supportive of one another and always had a joint bank account where it's "our" money. I think you need to make a decision whether you want to make a go of the marriage or not as I can't see it lasting if you are worrying about what your parents are thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 If your parents weren't around where would you want to be? Having a child changes family dynamics as you'd expect and all of a sudden you recognize and appreciate the support you get from extended family which you didn't need when you were free and unencumbered. Personally, I'd be raising the red flags here - if you're undecided then don't go because you WILL be trapped in Aus if you ever decided you didn't want to stay there (read The Hague Convention thread). Im afraid I don't have much time for people who put dreams before people! What on earth was he thinking to leave his wife and child just because he fancied some sun, sand and surf? It's not as if this was a choice between Australia and some godforsaken Third World War zone. I agree with the above wholeheartedly. If you're having doubts don't do it stay where you are or as Quoll says you could find yourself trapped in Australia if things don't work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geraldine Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 As ever in life compromise is king... Firstly what matters most to you...your child having their dad in their life and you having your husband on a daily basis or your child its grandparents and you your parents. If your parents were supportive of your move and said they would visit how would you feel ? Are you able to say to hubby and parents that you are going to try it for a period of time and then re assess if he will also reassess. Such a difficult decision for you and only you know the right answer for all concerned. Good Luck with it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
docboat Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 your first priority in relationships is your husband. Not your child, not your parents - it is you and your husband. That is a fundamental of relationships. If that relationship is on a solid footing, the next relationships - your children - come into focus. Then, and only then, your parents. Any other approach, and you get into more trouble. (of course, the rule is not infallible, but it is a constant) So - having put your parents before your husband, how is it working out for you? Will you continue to do that, or is your relationship with your husband more important? Or, having put your parents before your husband, are you now realising that your priorities may not have been shared with your husband, and he is now working it out on his own, hoping or you to join him, while you are figuring out what your priorities are? So the real issue you are having is one of communication - both communication between yourself and your husband, as well as your communication within yourself. Not an answer, but perhaps a line to take in sorting out for yourself where you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Hi thanks for the reply. It's not that I don't love my oh or don't trust him but although it was always our dream things changed for me when we had our child and i feel we could if he wanted to make a good like in the uk if we put more effort in but he will not give up his dream even though as I said I was the one working in oz to support that dream. I am really close to my mum but he thinks we should live our own lives and not worry about how it effects others. I just worry that I will resent him if I make the move & I keep thinking of leaving my family behind for good. How long was your 'visit' to Oz? Were you settled with a job? Was your child born there? Was your trip to the UK intended to be a visit but you could not bring yourself to return? Does your OH now have a job there in which case was he obliged to return perhaps on an understanding that you would follow shortly or did he desert you? Some elements of your OP do not make much sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bound4Tassie Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 your first priority in relationships is your husband. Not your child, . Eek, no sorry I can't agree with that!! Once you have a child, they become priority! Husband should expect to take a back seat with a young baby. And a couples joint priority should be the welfare and happiness of their children - they brought them into the world! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rvaria Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Eek, no sorry I can't agree with that!! Once you have a child, they become priority! Husband should expect to take a back seat with a young baby. And a couples joint priority should be the welfare and happiness of their children - they brought them into the world! And I have to disagree with you. You setting an example for your kids that you should be a priority over their future partner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bound4Tassie Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 And I have to disagree with you. You setting an example for your kids that you should be a priority over their future partner. Erm no, I would be setting an example that THEIR children would be a priority. I wouldn't expect to be MY children's priority. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest241083 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 ........doesn't each and every member of the family deserve consideration....? ........we all have to compromise.....for the good of the unit we created..... .........sometimes even those with no say..... .........as a family try and do the best for all of you......good luck...X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckleface Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 your first priority in relationships is your husband. Not your child, not your parents - it is you and your husband. That is a fundamental of relationships. If that relationship is on a solid footing, the next relationships - your children - come into focus. Then, and only then, your parents. Any other approach, and you get into more trouble. (of course, the rule is not infallible, but it is a constant) So - having put your parents before your husband, how is it working out for you? Will you continue to do that, or is your relationship with your husband more important? Or, having put your parents before your husband, are you now realising that your priorities may not have been shared with your husband, and he is now working it out on his own, hoping or you to join him, while you are figuring out what your priorities are? So the real issue you are having is one of communication - both communication between yourself and your husband, as well as your communication within yourself. Not an answer, but perhaps a line to take in sorting out for yourself where you are. Sage advice Docboat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rvaria Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Erm no, I would be setting an example that THEIR children would be a priority. I wouldn't expect to be MY children's priority. Of course you are your children's priority but as some point that will change and I would expect my children's priority to be their partner, not me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 your first priority in relationships is your husband. Not your child, not your parents - it is you and your husband. That is a fundamental of relationships. If that relationship is on a solid footing, the next relationships - your children - come into focus. Then, and only then, your parents. Any other approach, and you get into more trouble. (of course, the rule is not infallible, but it is a constant) So - having put your parents before your husband, how is it working out for you? Will you continue to do that, or is your relationship with your husband more important? Or, having put your parents before your husband, are you now realising that your priorities may not have been shared with your husband, and he is now working it out on his own, hoping or you to join him, while you are figuring out what your priorities are? So the real issue you are having is one of communication - both communication between yourself and your husband, as well as your communication within yourself. Not an answer, but perhaps a line to take in sorting out for yourself where you are. Also there comes a time when sadly your parents have gone and your children have grown up and moved away. If you haven't put your relationship with your husband/partner as pretty high on your priority list, you might find you have very little left in common. this is advice from someone who has been married for 44 years, and who still considers her husband as her best friend as well as husband, not necessarily been all plain sailing but worth the effort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bound4Tassie Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Of course you are your children's priority but as some point that will change and I would expect my children's priority to be their partner, not me. I don't think you are reading my post properly! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beddy Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Hi new to this but need some impartial advice.my husband and I went to oz on visit after getting pr visa. I worked but hubby had trouble getting employment. We came back to uk ready to tell everyone that we were going to make the move permanently but when it came to it I bottled out as I am finding it difficult to tell my parents as they are dead against the idea. My oh and I had a massive falling out and he movedyou back to oz on his own leaving me and our child. I said I'd try to discuss with parents but they will be devastated and I feel so guilty as I Have to choose between oh and parents plus option of being a single parent. I'm in such a state. To top things off only couple of months left on visa!!!! any advice would be greatly appreciated :arghh: you say you have to choose between OH and parents plus option of being a single parent . You were a family unit when you returned back to the Uk from Oz to tell everyone you were moving to Oz permanently . You should still be a family unit supporting each other and reassuring your parents that moving to Oz is what you both want and planning together how you can make the move and still keep in touch and visit them . .Understandably your OH is worried of the timescale of your visa and his dreams slipping away but a tactic to go back to Oz putting pressure on you to make a decision is in my opinion not a supportive one but quite a bullying tactic . maybe your parents are dead set against towards your move for other reasons as well as separation . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 you say you have to choose between OH and parents plus option of being a single parent . You were a family unit when you returned back to the Uk from Oz to tell everyone you were moving to Oz permanently . You should still be a family unit supporting each other and reassuring your parents that moving to Oz is what you both want and planning together how you can make the move and still keep in touch and visit them . .Understandably your OH is worried of the timescale of your visa and his dreams slipping away but a tactic to go back to Oz putting pressure on you to make a decision is in my opinion not a supportive one but quite a bullying tactic . maybe your parents are dead set against towards your move for other reasons as well as separation . You may have read this right and I may have it wrong but this reads to me that it was a family living and working in Oz returning to visit family for Christmas and one of them has not gone back after the trip. Possibly work commitments meant that they had planned to return to Oz in different dates but the husband may not have anticipated even that his wife and child would stay in the UK. You dont fly half way across the world just to tell people that you are making a move permanent surely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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