Australia Bound Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 (edited) My mother in law, who has never took an active interest in ours or her grandchildrens lives is making our life hell with regards to our move. As the move is approaching it seems she finds new and messed up ways to screw with our heads. She used to be supportive of the move and has now decided we are going to fail and it will all be a huge mistake. It started a few months ago, when i was working abroad she came to visit practically every day to instil fear and doubt in my wife, which has largely worked, my wife is now struggling with anxiety and its affecting me as well now. Now she has recruited her sister and a cousin and aunt we hardly see. They are now getting in touch with my wife telling her its a bad idea, we're making a mistake etc, etc. All of this is hard enough without this constant passive aggressive emotional blackmail and we still have 6 weeks to go. I would understand this behaviour if she was a model grandparent and was hurting because she was losing us, but she has barely took an interest in our kids in all these years, never even had them for an overnight. Sorry i just need to get that off my chest, i am at the end of my rope with everybody telling us we are doomed to fail. We don't have much in the way of positive support at all apart from a few friends already in Australia. AB Edited September 29, 2014 by Australia Bound Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucharmily Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Good heavens - what dreadful behaviour! I think her behaviour is completely unacceptable and totally unfair on you and the family - especially your wife. Just keep remembering all the good things in your future. Hope she sees the light before you leave but if not, I wouldn't let her influence your decision or ruin what could be a great opportunity for you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 I think your wife needs to put her foot down actually and not feel/be intimidated by this "outlaw"!Its your choice where you spend your lives.She's had her life and made her choices.Usually I would say be compassionate and so on,afterall,you have to imagine your own kids in years to come possibly migrating and how that would make you feel but........as you have mentioned this lady has'nt been a big part of your lives as such,then really you have two choices.Either ignore it,you do only have 6 weeks left,or your wife or both of you put your foot down and tell her in no uncertain terms,that nothing is ever a "mistake"because....you make a decision based on your feelings/knowledge you have at the time,so how can it be a mistake? You have a right to be happy with your decision.I guess you can't expect family to be over the moon but they should be supportive.Good luck...and prove the lady wrong!lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckleface Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 I don't mean to sound unsympathetic but what I can't work out is why either of you are taking any notice of her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Maybe it did not seem real for her before but as the date approaches she is expressing her anxieties to her daughter. I feel that she is within her rights to have concerns and opinions and to express them. The picture thing is a bit wierd though; I would ask her about that one. Are you concerned that she is making some valid points as otherwise your wife would probably not be influenced by what everyone is saying. It is a big move and there will be plenty of things testing your resolve and your joint commitment to it both before leaving and after you arrive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vickyplum Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 It's all well and good for people to advise you to ignore her, but I think we all know when it comes to family and friends, it's not always so easy to shut off and ignore people. Have you and your wife sat down with your MIL to discuss the way she's acting? Maybe if feelings (from all parties) get aired, it might help understand why she's acting the way she is and it's making you both feel. It sounds like she is being rude but maybe it's insecurity/worry for your wife, etc. I'd get her around for a cuppa and try to to clear the air before you go - otherwise you can leave with bad feelings on both sides and that could lead to further problems down the line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellers and Whitehead Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 She must be worried about the loss of her daughter/grandchildren, and panicking herself..many parents do. However her behaviour is selfish..she is thinking about herself..which at times we all do..but try and see it from her point of view. I am not condoning her behaviour, and agree it's a bit random, but she's freaking out. Maybe talk it through with her, when you plan to visit the UK again, if she can come out and when, so it's not so final. my other concern, is your wife dependant upon her family to care for her children? Or emotionally dependant upon her mother etc, as she may struggle with emigrating. The anxiety..her mum needs to be told/discuss that her behaviour is effecting her daughters health and that's it's not acceptable. her mum feels grief/loss but it needs to be put into perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Whatever the ins and outs of the situation, I think its completely unacceptable to walk into someone else's home without being invited and even worse to leave again without making your presence known. How did she get in? Does she have a key? I would have a word with her about this and ask her not to do it again - if she does, change the locks. You have a right to privacy and I would hate the idea of someone wandering around my house while I was in the shower. A bit creepy tbh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Yes Fisher1 I had'nt mentioned that bit in my post but that would deffo creep me out alot!look fwiw,yes I can see the lady in question is upset about the OP leaving,but.......there is a fine line between manipulation and supporting!I've had the same thing with family members in Oz,wanting me to move back there,and you know what?It makes me more determined to stay in the UK!From my perspective,its a form of bullying,and the other person really saying "I know whats better for you than you do yourself"!Hmmmm,stay strong and keep to your plans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bora Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 I don't mean to sound unsympathetic but what I can't work out is why either of you are taking any notice of her. Perhaps the fact she she walked into their home unannounced and uninvited AND unbeknown to anyone may have something to do with it. How can you NOT take notice of that? That's quite disturbing in my book and needs to be sorted ASAP in case anything like this happens again before you leave AB. If anyone came into my home like that and left odd signatures to weird me out I'd go absolutely ballistic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Me too. Relative or not, I would be furious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John2012 Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Sounds like typical behaviour from a monster in law. It could worse, she could have taken a picture of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 My mum got very anxious and aggressive before we left. It's not that we were close, but she had come to depend on us. It's hard when all you want is for people to wish you well but unless your parents are very well travelled and emotionally balanced this can be very difficult for them. If you feel you can chat to her then worth sitting down with a 'let's make the best of our time together her' kind of conversation. Point out that she is very welcome to visit. fWIW my mum settled down after we left. Your MIL has other children so try not to feel too guilty. I would also try to cut her a bit of slack if you can and leave on a positive note. I do wish us Brits were better at showing emotion sometimes, far better for her to cry and say how much she will miss you than carry on with this kind of strange behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wellers and Whitehead Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 I'm not sure why people are fixating on the fact that she walked in the house...I know plenty of people that go into friends/relatives houses...bit strange not waiting for her daughter to get out of the shower, but not sure fixating on that is helping the OP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest241083 Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 .......we all do strange things......! .......and when we are going to loose someone ......close or not.... .......someone who we have been able to talk to....often or not...... .......it can become an anxious time..... .......changing our perceived accessibility to family...... ........and often as we get older we struggle to see past the ....as it is.... .........Skype,visiting......are all unknowns..... .........it's not right upsetting your wife I agree..... ..........I've said before we must all walk our own path..... ..........but letting go of the hand you've always had available...... ...........is harder for some than others.... ............time will heal...... ............I wish you joy on your new journey........tink X Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 The only thing I can say to you really is very soon she will be thousands of miles away . Keep your chin up and just smile and nod smile and nod. Worked for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt Agatha Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 I'm in the "have a conversation with her" camp. What she is doing is wrong, no doubt, but I'd guess it is coming from a place of fear and loss. even if she hasn't has much to do with you and the kids, she is now realising that she might never get the chance and that can be confronting. For your wife's peace of mind, I think sorting this out before you leave is vitally important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abz123 Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 The only thing I can say to you really is very soon she will be thousands of miles away . Keep your chin up and just smile and nod smile and nod. Worked for me. We have our citizenship ceremony this week and my MIL has already started the "so you'll be coming 'home' now" conversations so just get used to it and live your own lives/do what is right for you as a family unit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Australia Bound Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 thanks for replies folks, time for a sit down chat i think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy1 Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 I'm in the "have a conversation with her" camp. What she is doing is wrong, no doubt, but I'd guess it is coming from a place of fear and loss. even if she hasn't has much to do with you and the kids, she is now realising that she might never get the chance and that can be confronting. For your wife's peace of mind, I think sorting this out before you leave is vitally important. Beautifully said, it is a grieving process. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SPRINTER Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 You only have one life, make the most of it, there are too many people who have done nothing with their lives but are full of uninformed advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janinewhiteley Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 Hi, This a hard situation. No-one can tell you how to deal with it. My mother made my life hell...She told me and my husband, " We may as well be dead, as I will never see you or my grandchildren ever again" She didn't speak to me for 2 months as she found it to hard to understand. When she came around it was all about her. Never once considering what was best for us as a family. Always finding a negative in everything(my mum is a very positive person) . For example she said one day, " You love the Lake District , so why are you leaving that for a desert and no longer be able to view beautiful scenery" It was the way she dealt with the situation she was no longer controlling. She also said she would never visit. However, both my parents visited once and are planning to return in 2016, Although she has never admitted we have made the right move. ( My dad loves it) I have since discovered , they planned to emigrate to Australia before they got married and never made it... regretted it since. Please let her go through the different emotions, show your wife these comments explaining, a lot of us have gone through similar experiences. good luck janine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Australia Bound Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 Hi, This a hard situation. No-one can tell you how to deal with it. My mother made my life hell...She told me and my husband, " We may as well be dead, as I will never see you or my grandchildren ever again" She didn't speak to me for 2 months as she found it to hard to understand. When she came around it was all about her. Never once considering what was best for us as a family. Always finding a negative in everything(my mum is a very positive person) . For example she said one day, " You love the Lake District , so why are you leaving that for a desert and no longer be able to view beautiful scenery" It was the way she dealt with the situation she was no longer controlling. She also said she would never visit. However, both my parents visited once and are planning to return in 2016, Although she has never admitted we have made the right move. ( My dad loves it) I have since discovered , they planned to emigrate to Australia before they got married and never made it... regretted it since. Please let her go through the different emotions, show your wife these comments explaining, a lot of us have gone through similar experiences. good luck janine She sounds identical to my MIL, who has also said she'll never visit and also thought (very briefly i think) about emigrating many years ago. She was/is a very controlling figure in the whole family. As simple as it is to try and ignore the negativity, my wife has been indoctrinated with this all her life, which is why her "advice" is actually having an effect. She was down again today.. What if you don't get jobs? What if the kids don't settle? What if you need to come back? You'll not get the kids into the same school You'll not get back on the property ladder You'll have spent all your money for nothing ad infinitum I just wish they would see us for what we are, responsible adults who worked very hard to get to this point, and planned very carefully. I sometimes think she thinks we are arriving with suitcases and a few hundred quid!! Such is the lack of involvement she's had in our life, she has no idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janinewhiteley Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 She sounds identical to my MIL, who has also said she'll never visit and also thought (very briefly i think) about emigrating many years ago. She was/is a very controlling figure in the whole family. As simple as it is to try and ignore the negativity, my wife has been indoctrinated with this all her life, which is why her "advice" is actually having an effect. She was down again today.. What if you don't get jobs? What if the kids don't settle? What if you need to come back? You'll not get the kids into the same school You'll not get back on the property ladder You'll have spent all your money for nothing ad infinitum I just wish they would see us for what we are, responsible adults who worked very hard to get to this point, and planned very carefully. I sometimes think she thinks we are arriving with suitcases and a few hundred quid!! Such is the lack of involvement she's had in our life, she has no idea. I think it is a desperate last attempt to stop you. hy would you travel half way around the world to come back to the UK if you don't get a job in the first couple of months? It takes time and a lot of hard bloody work. Let her have her say and try to ignore it, Its hard. My dad wanted to give us some money to help towards the deposit of a house here, but my mum still wants us to fail (3 years later) so she went against him on Skype (they had a big argument in front of me). Just follow your dreams, they have lived their lives now you live yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JerryandPaul Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 My mother is more concerned about our dog moving to Australia than us, I'm almost jealous! x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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