LadyCroft Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 I wrote a big post and it was wiped by my sh!tty laptop. Anyway, we arrived at the start of November after spending the last month in the UK moving around from relatives to relatives basically sleeping where we could get room for a while and saying our goodbyes to everyone on the way. We got here and had an apartment as a holiday rental for a month before finding this long term rental where we have just moved. Suddenly, I am feeling very, very low. Like I have just crashed down to earth after all the craziness of the last few months, getting an offer on the house and actually managing to sell it, shipping stuff, selling the rest, organising flights, visiting everyone and saying goodbyes, getting here and setting everything up, ticking everything off on "The List" that we have been obsessed with since actually starting to plan the final move to Australia. Medicare, TFNs, VicRoads, buy a car, at least one of us gets a job, secure rental, blah blah blah... Pow.... End of the list or there abouts and now it is the little things that are left to do and the ongoing things like getting the rent paid and bills set up etc. I am home with the kids now. I know I need to get out there and meet people but I just feel like the last thing I want to do is strike up a conversation with someone. When we were in our holiday apartment I met lots of people at the park, taking the kids out for lunch, wandering around during the day in a suburb close to the CBD where we could never afford to rent long term. They were all like "Oh, you have picked a lovely place to settle" not realising it was just for the initial few weeks. Now I am further out, there are no little local shops to pop to when my husband is out at work. There are LOADS of little play parks around for the kids and we can walk about quite happily finding things to do for them but I have suddenly realised how far away we are from home, how really different it is to be in the "outer suburbs" compared to back in the UK where you could pretty much always walk to some little shop for an ice lolly and a newspaper. We were at the park this afternoon and my youngest had a full on melt down, lying on the ground face down screaming tantrum. The ones you think are made up. One of them. The other mums at the park were looking over all concerned obviously wondering what happened to him because he was screaming like something awful had happened. Usually I wouldn't be bothered and just deal with it but I picked him up, took the stroller and went home and cried my eyes out. When we go to the park I am starting to feel like I don't want anyone to come up and talk to me. I am getting scared that someone might come over and try to talk to me when I feel, at the moment, I have absolutely nothing to say and that I am such a sad sack that I will just ruiin their day if they try to talk to me or put them off and then all the Mums will think I am a weirdo. I don't know why suddenly I feel like this. It was a beautiful sunny day today. We could go outside for a walk and play in the park, have a picnic and run around in the fresh air. We are in a house way bigger than we could have back in the UK in what seems to be a nice, quiet area. We have a chance at a new life that a lot of people only dream of and I feel selfish and ungrateful because I am so depressed just now. Does anyone else know what I mean? Did you have a crashing come down after the initial arrival in Australia? I just feel like I can't cope anymore and that having to keep repeating myself in several different attempts at a less accenty accent is starting to get me down (which is silly and probably to do with my general malaise at the moment). There is so much I still need to do like 1st day of Prep where I know if I still feel like this I will just cry when my little one starts school. I feel totally pathetic. SOrry, I probably shouldn't be offloading like this on a public forum. I just think I need to get it off my chest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Offload away! :hug: What you have done is massive moving to the other side of the world giving up all that is familiar. Please do not be so hard on yourself. Crying is good, bottling it up is not. Keep your chin up Hun xxxx it's still early days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCroft Posted December 13, 2013 Author Share Posted December 13, 2013 Thank you. Felt a bit silly venting it all on here but I thought "hey wait a minute. Surely someone else has felt like this" I think I am just annoying my other half acting like this when he is still on a high. He has wanted to be here for soooooooooo long and he is out there in the workforce now so is happy that we are finally managing to actually set up a real life here. I just think it is such a shock to the system. I miss me old Dad so I do. Even though her never came round to see us!!! I still miss the people back in the UK who I KNOW I wouldn't see or hear from every day or every week. Just knowing they are so far away makes it much, muchharder than you expect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Many many people have felt like you especially with small children. You will feel better when you start to mix with other young Mums. Once you've settled it will happen. In the meantime make sure you get the OH to take you out when he is home . The four walls, no tv programmes that you know, even not having your old mobile phone and it's lust of people is really hard. But you will get there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pablo Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 You have no doubt been massively busy for a while now,no time to think,just dealing with all the pain in the arse things re sorting out your move,maybe now you have a "bit" more time on your own to think the reality has kicked in,maybe like a kind of an anti climax,and a period of adjustment to your new life will take a little time,anyway,its never nice to read of people feeling down,especially women and kids,but its early days as im sure you appreciate,just wanted to say i hope things improve,all the best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maruska Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 I felt like that when we moved to the US. I think that everyone is - to a certain extent - on "high" in the months before the move. Excitement, so many things to do, anticipation. Than you arrive and suddenly you realize it`s not a vacation, you still need to do the same things that you did in the UK but without the support that was around you like friends and family. What you`re feeling is completely normal IMO. I would not force myself to talk to people really, I think that you`ll be ready soon enough to do that when you feel like talking and without the stress. As you get to know the place you`ll make some friends and you`ll find local places that you like, you`ll start appreciate the place more and more. Hang on there, I am sure it`s going to get better :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 The best thing about PIO I think (better than all the good advice offered) is being able to just be able to say what you have said to a bunch of people who have either been there themselves or just plain understand how you must be feeling. You probably had lows and bad periods when you were in Scotland but familiar surroundings probably helped then. Can't add much but add to others saying hang in there and keep focussing on those positives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Counting Stars Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 I've felt like that every posting we had (hubby in the Army) it takes time to adjust to every new place. I was okay once I had a friend or two and knew my way around and kept myself busy. Talking to people helped so you chat away! You aren't selfish or ungrateful you are adjusting. It will get better xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacaranda Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 As others have said,you've been too busy organising everything/planning,preparing.Sometimes we just don't think about how we will actually feel when we do arrive?Or you think you'll be blissfully happy and never feel sad again!Look hon you need to go easy on yourself ok?It is a massive change to move somewhere where you don't know anyone and its all non familiar.Please trust in yourself that things will get better and everything you experience/feel is always temporary.Not sure how old your kids are hon,but can you join a local playgroup maybe?Not only will it be good for your kids but also for yourself to socialise?What about a group just for you?Have you access to a car?Has your OH settled into his work?Are you planning to work?When my parents emigrated back in 1970,they both joined a local soccer (football)club and wow they were suddenly surrounded by like minded poms!:laugh:They ended up belonging to that club for years!They built up a good network of mates,and socially they were out every weekend partying on down!lol Can you post a thread inviting a meetup on here with other folks?Where abouts are you in Oz? Please keep in mind that leading up to this move you were staying with family ect so would of probably not suffered from loneliness right?So to go from that to really as an adult being totally alone whilst OH is at work is a big change.Be kind to yourself hon,acknowledge those feelings (rather than try and supress them)and in time you will begin to feel better about the move.Its just coming up to great weather time for you also,thats always a bonus hey?If you have access to transport,why not take the kids to the local swimming pool?Beach?All the best hon,and we're here for you should you need some support ok?xxxxxxxx:hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Vent away sweetie! Sounds quite normal to me. Moving to a foreign country is a lot of work and you really have to put yourself out there to make connections. I'd go for personal interest activities and arranging with your DH that he baby sits when you need to go out. It's easy to get enmeshed with your kids activities but you need YOU time and interests - actually, a job is the best thing but if you can't work then an interest group. Your DH probably won't get it - he's going to be happy as Larry with a job to go to every day and workmates to socialize with - so you are going to have to be clear about what you expect from him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveandKirsty Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 It is always good to hear and read about others. It is especially hard I can imagine with you having to cope with the little ones too. A huge move. They say the first three months are the hardest. Whilst it was totally different situation in many ways and I was younger and on my own, but when I went on my WHV in 1999 after a few weeks in Sydney suddenly I felt very small, and very alone and just wanted to be at home or anywhere other than Australia (not helped by the fact that it seemed it was persistently raining in Sydney!) I took a ride on a free city tour bus, did about three laps of the city whilst I gathered my thoughts. Basically, what you are feeling is natural. Deep breath, and stick with it. You made the big move for a reason after all :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Can only echo what everyone else has said it is perfectly normal to have a low after the high and it doesn't relate at all to whether the move is the right thing for you. I remember the days after my OH started work at about this time of year in 2008 - I'd always worked full time and I was SO looking forward to a couple of months with my 5 year old before he started school and yet suddenly I was completely lost. The heat was unbearable and I wasn't used to managing it and no friends with children to catch up with and have a natter whilst the kids played. You have to be brave and get out there and meet people, most will be fleeting acquaintances but you'll meet the odd keeper, a PIO member came to my rescue and we are still friends to this day. It's a hard time of year to migrate - the heat is at it's worst (depending where you are), the culture shock of an Aussie Christmas and most people heading off on holiday, schools out etc. It was only when my son started school and I started work that we began to integrate and acclimatise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Perfectly understandable. Sometimes we do not want to speak to people because we just do not want to repeat ourselves and we are just exhausted with the whole thing. It will pass. One thing though, if it persists and you do not like the area you are in, use the time to look for an area that may suit you better. I have posted many times that I am not a fan of new migrants moving to new areas, mainly because everyone is at work, the shops are too far away. Its too pristine in a way and a scruffier used environment has a cross section of people that give a better life feel if you like. As you do not have a car its isolating as out in the outer suburbs most people drive everywhere. Join one of the child rearing forums, that way you can meet people on line from around the area you are living in and you will be surprised there are many many mums just like you, just arrived from all over the world and feeling so isolated. Not just migrant that feel that way Aussies feel it too in the newer areas. I suggest going to the beach if its a nice day, for me sand and sea, even though I never go in lol is so invigorating and the children love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 I think you are experiencing the anti climax after the build up to something very exciting .... assuming you did also want to make the move that is? It is easy to overlook the enormity of what you have just done and it is maybe only after you move that you truly realise the importance of people over places and beaches and sunshine. Could it also be that Christmas is coming up and you know you are going to maybe have a very different Christmas this year. There are some of us that will never get used to an Australian Christmas (even those that are otherwise very happy living here the rest of the year). I must admit, I never went through the feelings you are going through, but I felt out of sorts for a few weeks, like I had just been beamed down onto Planet Zog. I did have work to go to though and that can be a great normaliser. I think maybe during this period you should push yourself to make a super effort, even if you don't feel like it. Firstly, if you don't already have a car for your own use during the day, then get one and make a list of places you can explore and make a day of it. Australia is a fabulous and beautiful country and after a month you could only have scratched the surface. Find one thing for you as well, maybe an evening class- dance, aqua, pilates, something educational? I know everyone advises you to go out and talk to people, but if the idea of that is stressing you out right now, then just put it on hold. It sounds stressful living every day with this big objective "must find a group of friends" hanging over you every day. I sometimes think that making friends is like finding love - it works best when it happens naturally but when you go out hunting it down, it doesn't always work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Just want to send you some support. You have had some excellent replies and suggestions. I have moved most of my life, have never lived anywhere for more than 11 years, as I was an army brat and then worked overseas and then met and married someone in the RAF, lived in Asia as an expat and retired to OZ with no family here then. So like others really understand how you are feeling. It's all so unfamiliar, you don't perhaps feel you belong, you are more than likely shattered, both physically and emotionally. You are not alone with your feelings, lots of posters have probably felt the same, so vent away, Christmas might be hard, so perhaps celebrate it in different way, picnic, or BBQ on the beach? Take care, and hope you start to feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blobby1000 Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 One bit of advice. Talk to your husband. Very important. He may feel the same way as you do. What you have done is very hard. (Where are you living by the way, I think I missed that....altough I could just go back and read it again!) I had a moment, 6 weeks in, when I was climbing up an escalator and I had a very quick moment when I thought "I could just jump off here!"........(I didn't and I wouldn't!!!!) But its an emotional rollercoaster. Talk to your husband (dont jump off any escalators!) My wife was 8 months before she got a job (due to delayed nursing registration). It was easy for me (Im not saying I loved it) but I was out working full time, meeting people at work at least, speaking to people. She was stuck in a suburb, with our 3 and 1 year old boys (lovely boys, but its nice to have an adult to speak to occasionally yes?), no car, didnt know anyone.....it didnt fell like a dream for her! Talk to your husband!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blobby1000 Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 Just want to send you some support. You have had some excellent replies and suggestions. I have moved most of my life, have never lived anywhere for more than 11 years, as I was an army brat and then worked overseas and then met and married someone in the RAF, lived in Asia as an expat and retired to OZ with no family here then. So like others really understand how you are feeling. It's all so unfamiliar, you don't perhaps feel you belong, you are more than likely shattered, both physically and emotionally. You are not alone with your feelings, lots of posters have probably felt the same, so vent away, Christmas might be hard, so perhaps celebrate it in different way, picnic, or BBQ on the beach? Take care, and hope you start to feel better. I know you're being kind. Dont take this personally. But if I had eaten an Australian sausage on the beach every time I had felt miserable I would be 35 stone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jack13 Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 Don't worry wev'e all been there, was feeling a bit like that myself during the week. You have moments where your just like "What have I done?!" But I think when the sun shines and the weather is good, you meet up with old friends, all those feelings pass and you realize your in the best place for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LKC Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 I think you are experiencing the anti climax after the build up to something very exciting .... assuming you did also want to make the move that is? It is easy to overlook the enormity of what you have just done and it is maybe only after you move that you truly realise the importance of people over places and beaches and sunshine. Could it also be that Christmas is coming up and you know you are going to maybe have a very different Christmas this year. There are some of us that will never get used to an Australian Christmas (even those that are otherwise very happy living here the rest of the year). I must admit, I never went through the feelings you are going through, but I felt out of sorts for a few weeks, like I had just been beamed down onto Planet Zog. I did have work to go to though and that can be a great normaliser. I think maybe during this period you should push yourself to make a super effort, even if you don't feel like it. Firstly, if you don't already have a car for your own use during the day, then get one and make a list of places you can explore and make a day of it. Australia is a fabulous and beautiful country and after a month you could only have scratched the surface. Find one thing for you as well, maybe an evening class- dance, aqua, pilates, something educational? I know everyone advises you to go out and talk to people, but if the idea of that is stressing you out right now, then just put it on hold. It sounds stressful living every day with this big objective "must find a group of friends" hanging over you every day. I sometimes think that making friends is like finding love - it works best when it happens naturally but when you go out hunting it down, it doesn't always work! I utterly agree with this. I know that most people will be telling you to get out there and make new friends, but sometimes we can put such pressure on ourselves to do so that we come across as being a bit 'desperate', for want of a better word. I felt pressured when we first moved over, mainly by family members who kept telling me that I had to go out and meet people. It actually resulted in a fairly big depressive episode for me, and it was only when I took that pressure off and decided that I would rather just make friends naturally rather than force it, that I started to feel better. Things will improve, but for a while you will feel like a round peg in a square hole. It is normal, and it will pass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest16631 Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 ........so many of us expect too much of ourselves........ ........to replace what we have left in many ways.......... .......but it's not the same....... ........familiarity is what's missing........ .........I found..( after moving so many times).........that to take small steps.....have an aim.... ..........to make a garden.....it may just be a few pots..... ...........but you could involve the children...... ...........catch the bus/train........to an area with a garden centre.........a shop with pots.....Kmart....big w ...........but by concentrating on achieving something small....... ...........your achieving something huge......! ............getting to know your area...... .............talking to people....... ..............keeping mind and body active......yours and the children's......... ...............and you have an end product....lol.... .................it's what worked for us........and I hope you find soon what will work for you..... ....................but small steps............take care.....tink x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 I know you're being kind. Dont take this personally. But if I had eaten an Australian sausage on the beach every time I had felt miserable I would be 35 stone. No I wasn't just being kind. I have had to adjust to Christmas in several different countries as an ex service and ex pat wife, often with my husband working away over Christmas. So my suggestion was to perhaps fore go the traditional English Christmas meal and do something different, with no mention of sausages. However I think I am a kind person, who has opened her door to many a waif and stray over Christmas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 No I wasn't just being kind. I have had to adjust to Christmas in several different countries as an ex service and ex pat wife, often with my husband working away over Christmas. So my suggestion was to perhaps fore go the traditional English Christmas meal and do something different, with no mention of sausages. However I think I am a kind person, who has opened her door to many a waif and stray over Christmas. There is nothing wrong with being a positive person those of us who are tend to be happier in life, some are just happy looking for negatives in anything . Well done you for thinking of others :wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCroft Posted December 14, 2013 Author Share Posted December 14, 2013 Perfectly understandable. Sometimes we do not want to speak to people because we just do not want to repeat ourselves and we are just exhausted with the whole thing. It will pass. One thing though, if it persists and you do not like the area you are in, use the time to look for an area that may suit you better. I have posted many times that I am not a fan of new migrants moving to new areas, mainly because everyone is at work, the shops are too far away. Its too pristine in a way and a scruffier used environment has a cross section of people that give a better life feel if you like. As you do not have a car its isolating as out in the outer suburbs most people drive everywhere. Join one of the child rearing forums, that way you can meet people on line from around the area you are living in and you will be surprised there are many many mums just like you, just arrived from all over the world and feeling so isolated. Not just migrant that feel that way Aussies feel it too in the newer areas. I suggest going to the beach if its a nice day, for me sand and sea, even though I never go in lol is so invigorating and the children love it. Thank you for all the replies. I have read every one and thought about every word but Petals, your reply really hit home with me. You are right - When we were in Kew, it was so easy to access everything. Walking distance to shops, parks, trams, everything. Just could not afford to stay there and my OH's work meant we have ended up in the beautiful but secluded outer Eastern burbs. I don't have a car so even getting a newspaper and carton of milk means a taxi. It is just too much of a culture shock that i didn't REALLY think through when the panic of not having anywhere to live kicks in. I love that we are still close to the beach as my family has always been next to the sea (I mean my family stretching back thru generations so it is in my blood to feel peace when we sit on the shore and look out to sea. My Mother's family burial ground is on the beach next to the sea as the tradition is for them to always hear the crash of the ocean - beautiful). So we are heading to the beach tomorrow and I am going to stare out to sea with the wind in my hair and feel the old blood running through my veins while the kids and my OH dig a nice big hole in the sand as they always love to do. I hope this phase will pass and I will be able to get over this feeling of dread and despair and force myself to get on with things so I can actually find some friendships here before I go insane overthinking how much I don't think I fit it. I can tell you one thing - I now feel a lot more empathy for migrants who arrive in a community where they just don't naturally fit in. I have always done my best to make people feel welcome and comfortable when they are new to the area back in the UK but now the boot is on the other foot I realise just how lonely and fragile you can feel. I never appreciated it until now. There are some tough cookies out there who can just dive in and immerse themselves in the new culture. There are so many things you don't realise are totally foreign even though it feels kind of familliar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daveakaginge Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 Perth is a wonderful place, with so much to see and do. Not having a car is a handicap, I agree, but there is a fantastic public transport system available, so get exploring. It sounds like half your problem, is boredom, get out girl, meet the locals,DO SOMETHING, loads of lovely parks to explore, just pack a day bag, and go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dxboz Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 Dave I think the OP is in Melbourne but then the same can be said for Melbourne - it is a wonderful place with so much to see and do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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