bennyboy Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 Hi everyone on PIO, I am really down today. We are practically ready to send Spouse Visa application and our daughter, who will be 20 next birthday, still is not interested in coming. She will be the only member of my immediate family who is just not interested. I just do not know what to do-if we all go, then we are virtually making her homeless and she is saving hard to try and get a flat (with a friend) but she still relies on us very heavily (is she doing this on purpose??) and i'm starting to think that her tactic is to try and prevent us from going. We are planning on Sept/Oct 2011. Also, both of my and O/H's mum's are saying all the wrong things to make us feel guilty and really putting a dampener on our plans. It is so unfair as emotions are very high anyway and it just makes you feel like you need to analise the whole situation about migrating. We both want to make a go of it and i know that from the bottom of my heart, if we don't go i will become an absolut misery-it will affect lots of things in different ways, but i feel like banging my head against a wall now. All my months of planning, paying out for documents etc etc.... is starting to feel like a waste of time and money. Am i being completely selfish and only thinking of our needs? I only want my family to have a better quality of life-i was born and raised in Australia and it's in my blood. I don't want to miss this opportunity for my family. Please any advice would be so much appreciated. Sorry for pouring out my emotions, but it would be great to bhear if anyone else is in the same boat as me.:cry: Cheers Bennyboy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ilovemilkymoos Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 Alrite bennyboy, Sorry to hear of your difficulties. There was a thread on here a while ago, here ya go. Have a read, i think emotional family blackmail is something all of us will have to deal with before we go............. Sorry i cant be more helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mickyb Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 Your not selfish , your daughter is an adult and now has het own life to live. Hopefully she will come to visit or come with a friend and use your home in Oz as a base to travel . It's not fair for you to put your lives on hold and you still haves inlaws here for support if she needs it and they can keep an eye on her . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest31881 Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 Hi, she is 20, she has a life of her own, it may be an idea to suggest to her that she at least gets a visa, then she will be able to visit you, and of course if she changes her mind she will be able to move, once you get there it would be hard for her to apply for a visa in her own right. I have a 24yrs old daughter left behind in UK, she is doing fine despite my apprehension about leaving her. Family, especially parents tend to find things to try and discourage you from moving. you are not the only people who have come across this, they feel they will never see you again, so you have to point out the advantages, holidays for them etcetera, and if they do not have a computer consider getting one for them and show them how to use skype and how easy it will be to stay in touch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bennyboy Posted November 23, 2010 Author Share Posted November 23, 2010 Thank you SRP, My daughter is an Australian Citizen by descent so she can go anytime. We had a holiday in Oz last November-it was my daughter's first time there. She did enjoy it but unfortunately, her boyfriend at the time was all she thought about and sadly, her instincts were right, he was cheating on her all the time she was in Oz, so i think if she wasn't with him at the time, she would have really opend her eyes up to what a fantastic country it is to live in. My in-laws will never fly, so they would have to stay in touch, as you say, by skype, emails etc... my husband has told them he will come back to UK as often as he can, at least every year, to see his family. I still have my parents in Uk and my brother's back living in Oz. I can understand how my mum feels, she is the one who is being difficult (although i do understand her sadness) my dad says go for it. Oh, if only like was that simple! Thanks for your kind words.:biggrin: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bennyboy Posted November 23, 2010 Author Share Posted November 23, 2010 Thank you Mickyb, I understand what your saying, but try telling family and my daughter that! I have a feeling my daughter has been secretly chatting to both her nan's to try and stop us going, i cant understand why she doesnt want to go, she had her first holiday there last year, she is a qualified Beauty therapist, so i don't think she would have a problem getting work. She also says her friends are very important to her and she has a different boyfriend now, but she is adament she is staying put. I wonder what she will really be like once we do go, i bet she will see that she may be very lonely and may jump on a plane lol! I must make sure she has her Oz passport done though before we go. Thanks for your comments.:biggrin: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peach Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 Personally, also think you should carry on as planned and go. It's realistic to assume that within the next few years your daugther will find a new love of her life and at some point start thinking about her own family and future.. At 20 she needs to find her own way and not dominate yours. Sorry if that sounds harsh - I didn't mean for it to. :wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bennyboy Posted November 23, 2010 Author Share Posted November 23, 2010 Thanks Peach, i understand what you are saying and i think you are right. No offence taken. I do sometimes think she may change her mind at the last minute when it all becomes a reality, at least she has her citizenship, so if she does decide it's Uk, then she can come over when she is ready-even if it's for a holiday.:biggrin: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mickyb Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 Young love ay ! Maybe that's swaying her decision at moment . My mother in law asked me yesterday if we were still going on holiday ! It's tough but you've got to be firm if it's what YOU really want . I've got 17 and 19 year old daughters and put off emigrating and having our own child with my wife so not to disrupt their exams , when I told them we planned they were excited and said they couldn't wait to visit . The youngest is doing A levels now but is looking at universities abroad . The eldest beat us to having a baby by two weeks . Anything can change when they're that age !It's important to stand firm and invite them all over ( just make them stay in a hotel ! ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 she has OZ citizenship? so she can come over any time! I think that as she is 20 she has the right to choose over her life without parents trying to push her. All you can do is push her away. You need to respect her choice for choosing her boyfriend and friends over you. That is what grown-ups do, choose their lifes over that of their parents. She might come over, she might not, she might just holiday, she might not, it is up to her and you need to respect that. On the other hand, that should be given in return too! You have your lives and decided to migrate, they have no right to push or pull you into a different decision. She, and all the other family, needs to respect your choice and support it. And you probably need to remind them of that. As now they are pushing you away from them and making you unhappy! It is working against what they want to achieve. Perhaps a good heart to heart is the best thing to do. Talk and listen to eachother. Try to understand how they feel, accept how they feel, and let them know you are not changing your plans and that you love them a lot, but staying in the UK is not an option at this moment. You have probably been thinking about moving for a long time and have dealt with all the emotions. They most likely have not had that time yet, so they need to be given the time to get used to the idea of you actually being on the other side of the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Taylor72 Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 Hi everyone on PIO, I am really down today. We are practically ready to send Spouse Visa application and our daughter, who will be 20 next birthday, still is not interested in coming. She will be the only member of my immediate family who is just not interested. I just do not know what to do-if we all go, then we are virtually making her homeless and she is saving hard to try and get a flat (with a friend) but she still relies on us very heavily (is she doing this on purpose??) and i'm starting to think that her tactic is to try and prevent us from going. We are planning on Sept/Oct 2011. Also, both of my and O/H's mum's are saying all the wrong things to make us feel guilty and really putting a dampener on our plans. It is so unfair as emotions are very high anyway and it just makes you feel like you need to analise the whole situation about migrating. We both want to make a go of it and i know that from the bottom of my heart, if we don't go i will become an absolut misery-it will affect lots of things in different ways, but i feel like banging my head against a wall now. All my months of planning, paying out for documents etc etc.... is starting to feel like a waste of time and money. Am i being completely selfish and only thinking of our needs? I only want my family to have a better quality of life-i was born and raised in Australia and it's in my blood. I don't want to miss this opportunity for my family. Please any advice would be so much appreciated. Sorry for pouring out my emotions, but it would be great to bhear if anyone else is in the same boat as me.:cry: Cheers Bennyboy Hi I really understand where your coming from, as im going through the same thing. I feel guilty if i just for a moment get excited, As i feel our decision is causing alot of heartache with my parents and my 15 yr old daughter. My parents have never flown and will never fly and i dont really think they understand why im doing this. Im sure they think im having some kind of midlife crisis lol !! could be right haha. My daughter is 15 and has a boyfriend and is taking her GCSES nxt year. The boyfriend is i think the biggest emotional pull as well as leaving her grandparents. Weve just sold our house and im feeling down because i seem to be making everyone sad with this decision. I know things wont get easier in the coming months but i try to focus on our reasons for giving this ago. I also have a younger son who is 11 and is holding things together for now. Sorry i havent given any constructive advice but im in the same situation as you and just wanted you to know your not alone xxx big hugs xx:hug::hug: Annette x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keily Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 personally i would go with the flow bennyboy .....we were in a similar postion last year ...our daughter ...19...at the time ...came out with us on our pr march 2008 ...with boyfriend in tow [thankfully no longer ] ...she decided in jan this year she was returning to scotland with said b/f as his whmv had ran out ...we were devasted but she couldnt settle and we just knew in our hearts we had to let her do her own thing .....and here we are now ...she is back with us ...boyfriend ditched and living life to the max ....got a fulltime job ....joined the volunteer bush fire service and couldnt be any happier .....it was tough going for the 8 months she was away but she realised that life had more to offer ...she just had to come to that conclusion herself ....truly hope it works out for u guys ...its so hard when ur family is pulled apart ...when all u want to do is make an easier life for ur kids mrs keily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boganbear Posted November 23, 2010 Share Posted November 23, 2010 Sorry to hear you are down. Not being a parent myself i cant imagine what you are going through. Having said that, if you daughter had gone off to uni she would be off doing her own thing anyway and if she wants to set up her life with flatmates then thats good too but dont let that stop you. If she has aussie citizenship then if she wants to come to oz then she wont have any hassles. When my parents decided to move to Spain, I was over the moon. I only had to pay air fares for holidays and they were out of nagging distance. I ended up seeing them more often than when they lived in the UK. You have to live your dreams too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest26012 Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 I feel for you, I really do! We came here when our daughter was almost 18, she didnt come. It has been an emotional 3 years to be honest! She has visited once and we have been back for holiday. Shes 20 now and happy with her lot! You tend to think that they will not survive without you! The guilt, I found, was devestatingly difficult! That fades with time, in my experience. All I can say to you is you may regret not coming to oz if it proves too difficult! I know that I can look back now and know that we made the right decision for us. Big hugs!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
windswept Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 Bennyboy, how tough for you. When I read your post, I must admit my reaction was: if she's old enough to decide she wants to stay in the UK, and do so legally, then she's old enough to fend for herself. Lots of young 'uns have it tough with saving up for a place to rent etc, but if that's what she wants, she will find a way to do it. And if she does reconsider staying, it sounds like she can come over and join you at any stage, so there isn't an impediment there. Hang in there! Kids are tough - I don't have any of my own, but I remember what I was like - I gave my poor parents merry hell! All the best, Jen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Yuills Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 I am sending big :hug::hug::hug: to you!!! So sorry to hear you are having a hard time of if. Have tried getting you on FB but you have dissappeared again!! Your daughter has the great benefit of already having her citizenship so she is able to join at a later date. I am sure it is out of stubborness and as you saying a bit of emotional blackmail going on, with a bit of help from relatives! It has taken you so much effort to convince your hubby and he seems happy now to come and now you have all the other crap to deal with...it seems a bit unfair that your parents made the move here and then back to UK but are unable (your mum) to accept you doing it. She would have wonderful holidays here..3 kids and numerous grandchildren all around..she could come for 6 months and stay with each of you for a few weeks at a time!!! You are the only one that can make the decision to follow or not to follow your dream.....but remember years down the line she will have her own family and you will always have what ifs!! I can't say I know what you going through because as you know both our mums were supportive of us coming and have never sent us on a guilt trip and all kids were of an age that they had option but to come with us! Hope you are able to come to a decision...and selfishly I hope you decide to come!! :hug: Sue xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carpetbelly Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 I'll say this, sometimes us kids need a kick in the backside as well... I was out on my own from 15 and now have a better relationship with my parents than I ever have done. And that's even with the fact I ended up being out on my own as my mum moved to Barbados at that age. I couldnt have been any happier for her. To be honest, should have gone with her lol. Still though, in Oz now and loving it here and can visit the carribean any time I want. And having to fend for myself then, it does make you grow up no end. Not saying your daughter isn't but we all have to leave the nest at some point and find our own way in life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 I think if anyone is being selfish here it's your daughter. I know at 20 they think they know everything and can be very devious. It sounds like she is making a point of letting you see how she relies on you to try and make you change your mind. It's a long time till you plan to go and I would suggest not talking about it for a while, don't even mention emigration. She may well assume you have given in but if she brings it up just make it clear that you plan to go and leave it up to her to sort herself out. She is an adult and you can't force her to do something she is so negative about, that's not to say she might change her mind without warning. It only takes something like a split from her current boyfriend and she could be in a totally different mindset. Your OH parents could consider a cruise over if they won't fly. It's really expensive to consider visiting every year, as well as using up holiday time and is just more blackmail by the sound of it. Just make it plain they will all have to get used to the idea. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 I think you just have to let her do her own thing - one man's dream is another man's nightmare after all! Many young Aussie cant wait to escape and head off to UK/Europe for their life adventures and many dont return so I am sure she will be fine, doing her own thing - parents cant expect their kids to be there within cooee all their lives. You do your own thing and get on with it. Nothing worse than being trapped somewhere by someone who doesnt want to share your dream I reckon. In some ways, all of you are being selfish but that is no bad thing, you have to have a degree of selfishness and self sufficiency to be a successful migrant or to be on your own in whichever country you happen to want to hang your hat. I'd say that as your daughter already is a citizen by descent then you are risking nothing, really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pumpkin Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 When I read the thread title I thought it was going to be about a stroppy teenager refusing to go on a visa application and my advise would have been to implore them to do so to keep the option open. I have seen so many stroppy teenagers refuse to go on an application and then regret it 12 months later when it is too late. This is not the case with your daughter as she can come any time she likes. There is no major problem as there would be in the scenario I initially imagined. I really don't think you can make this decision for her, or base your own decisions around her. She is an adult. You are not being selfish and neither is she. You need to live your own life now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bennyboy Posted November 26, 2010 Author Share Posted November 26, 2010 hi sue, great to hear from you, sorry but having a break from facebook for a while, hubby says spend too much time on it! I' sure things will sort itself out eventually. I am trying not to talk about the move so much and just let things calm down for a bit. I just wish my mum would accept it. At the same time, i am still going ahead with it all, i can't give up what i have longed for. This time last year we were in Oz and i can't believe how time has flown by. You still sound like you are loving it, that's fab. Hope to chat soon and take care. Will see you next year Sue!!! xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bennyboy Posted November 26, 2010 Author Share Posted November 26, 2010 Thank you to everyone who has responded to my thread.:hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bennyboy Posted November 26, 2010 Author Share Posted November 26, 2010 Sorry Sue, thank you and big hug for you for being so caring.:hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ells Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 When I was 24 my parents moved out here, (brother had already moved out 4 years before.) I was newly single and I think my parents thought it would be an ideal time for me to come out. However, wasn't right for me. I would be lying if there weren't a few angsty years all round, but everyone is grown up and you have to get on with it. My parents ended up flying back for my subsequent wedding and to meet their first grandchild. Be prepared that if she doesn't come out you may need to come back for a few things. The good news is that having a baby changed our outlook on life, and we have now subsequently moved here too. So just because she doesn't want to come now doesn't mean she will stay in the UK forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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