Stay or go

[ExpatAbroad94]

I’m Irish living in Australia, engaged to an Australian man who I adore. 

He made it clear that living in Australia was where he wanted to be which is also what I wanted when we started going out. 

My lifestyle is definitely better here but I am extremely close to my family and I go through bouts of homesickness.

We are due to get married next year and we are talking about buying our longer term home and it’s stirred up feelings and difficult conversations that I didn’t realise I had buried. 

Obviously we have discussed this before, but I feel now my subconscious feelings that I wasn’t admitting are coming to the surface. 

I really want to live in Ireland for a period if we have children. He is an only child and cites that his parents want their chance at being near grandchildren so it wouldn’t be fair for us to move away. 

I have three siblings, so the logic is my parents at home will get other opportunities, which is upsetting to me because it won’t be my children. 

We came to a compromise they we would live in Ireland for one year. My partner however has made it clear that he doesn’t want to live there longer term. 

My job and career and everything would be better here, but I fear that once I have children my pull to family will be even stronger. I’m struggling with the finality or the option of living there not being even an option. He feels like he has been cheated and the goal posts moved because I agreed to living here, which I can understand. 

But I guess now I feel a bit different, or might feel different in the future. 

After a year a home, I may hate it, I may love it, but I suppose the hard thing is it won’t be a trial it will be a temporary thing with a definite move back to Australia. 

I feel like I’m left with a terrible choice, stay with the man I love and envisioned a future with and be maybe homesick, with potential to get worse in the future, or cut it loose now before it gets complicated with children etc, but risk moving home and being miserable and alone and being filled with regret: 

 

I don’t know that I want him to move and be miserable either, which I think he thinks is what the outcome would be if he lived there/ 

 

He wants to do whatever he can for me, but feels like he can’t leave his parents here with no support. There has to be a loser in the situation and the compromise he feels is we live there for a year but I don’t feel totally satisfied with that, because ultimately I still feel like I have to sacrifice a lot more. But then again, I was the one who lived in Australia and thought I wanted to live here. 

 

It’s also a hard sell in terms of financials, weather, lifestyles and career goals, because the only benefit is my family and a larger support system. He has a step sibling who he doesn’t get on with and who doesn’t have children.  

Obviously my head says stay but my heart doesn’t know because it’s like choosing between the family I already have and the family I’m trying to build. 

 

It’s like I’m waiting for the moment for it to all become clear but it hasn’t happened. 

I know nobody can decide but me but any advice from people who have been through something similar would be appreciated and how you have navigated it. 

 

I wasn’t trying to move the goal post, I guess as time has gone on, my feelings are just changing. 

And that’s the hard part, everything is based on maybes and hypotheticals. 

 

Please be gentle, I’m homesick and torn! 

[Marisawright]

(((((((Hugs))))))))

You are very far from alone in feeling as you do.  It's the curse of the "mixed" (Aussie + Pom) marriage.  

To be frank, I feel your partner is being a tad unreasonable.  Sure, you agreed to live in Australia -- but  no one can predict how they're going to feel, living permanently in a foreign country. It's not the same as being on a holiday.  It's very common for people not to realise how attached they are to their homeland and family, until they're faced with leaving them forever.  It's the number one reason why migrants go home.  

I have to say, it worries me that he's offering you one year with your parents, then you have to stay in Australia for the rest of your life?  That's not what I'd call a fair compromise.  Do his parents need his support already?  If not, why couldn't you stay in Ireland until they do need support?    They want to be involved with their grandkids, fair enough, but you don't have kids yet.  Why couldn't you stay in Ireland until you actually start a family?   

I'm sure he'll have excuses relating to lifestyle and finances, but your mental health is more important than material things.  Surely it would be a more balanced compromise to stay with your family for a few years. It would mean you've got your mother for support during pregnancy(s) and babyhood, too.  That way both sets of grandparents get some time with the grandkids, instead of his parents getting 99%.  For him to say your parents don't need time with your children because they'll have others . . . I think I'd better bite my tongue!

If you decide to soldier on, please don't be in a rush to start a family, because Australia is very strict about the Hague Convention.  Once you have a child in Australia, it can't be removed from the country without the permission of both parents.  So let 's say you have your baby and your homesickness becomes much more intense, to the point where you absolutely have to go home.  You won't be able to take the baby out of the country without his permission.  Sadly, there are many mothers (and some fathers) trapped in Australia because their partner won't agree to let their child leave. So wait until you're really sure you want to stay, before you proceed.

All the very best with whatever you decide. 

 

[Jon the Hat]

I think you are probably right to think you will feel more of a pull once you have children.  I think you need to be honest with your partner and tell him these are the facts, and while he might feel the same in Ireland that you do in Australia, you DO feel this way, and the crap about changing goalposts is not a fair response, it is in my view a little gaslighting.  I don't think he should expect you to live where you are unhappy.  This is not about facts, it is about feelings.

[Quoll]

Mixed marriage here but my Aussie DH was never controlling.  In the beginning we were both of the "go where the best opportunities are" mind set. It wasn’t until about 30 years in that he became the "I can’t possibly leave Australia“ type and all my plans for a split retirement which had been sustaining me for a few years were dashed. Things changed and we did have 9 years in U.K. which he very much enjoyed but that’s a whole other story.

My advice - don’t do it. Cut. Run. There are plenty more fish etc. Your reporting smacks of control to me and I’m not a big fan of control in a relationship. If he is the man of your dreams/soul mate then you will have to live with the least worst option - and that will require you to be strong and give everything. At least in our situation we weren’t living in either family's pocket and that made for more equity in our relationship - 24 hours by air to my lot, 12 hours by road to his. I think the resentment would have gone through the roof had he had all his family and friends and I had none of mine.  What has worked for us for half a century is a much better sense of compromise than you seem to be being offered. 

I have no idea what the visa thing is like with Ireland but would he even be able to live with you there? It's certainly not easy to get a spouse visa for UK. So it might not be something you could do anyway. 
 

I second what the others have said, do not bring kids into the equation until you are 100% certain you can hack it here because once  the kids arrive the Hague Convention will never allow them (and you) to leave. 
 

If you do decide that you are content with the least worst option then the trick will be to reframe it as the choice that you make rather than a decision he is imposing. If you feel bulldozed into it, your resentment will build. It's different for me because I've had him for over 50 years and I can't imagine training up a new one and life here with him is less worse than life there without him. If I were in this position 50 years ago I would tell my younger self to look after myself and my mental health, I think, but love is blind so I might have told my older self to get knotted - I dunno!!!!
 

Good luck, I don't envy you your decision, it's not easy and what is right for one of us is not necessarily right for another. ((((Hugs))))

[22B]

21 hours ago, Jon the Hat said:

I think you are probably right to think you will feel more of a pull once you have children.  I think you need to be honest with your partner and tell him these are the facts, and while he might feel the same in Ireland that you do in Australia, you DO feel this way, and the crap about changing goalposts is not a fair response, it is in my view a little gaslighting.  I don't think he should expect you to live where you are unhappy.  This is not about facts, it is about feelings.

 

On 08/01/2024 at 11:09, ExpatAbroad94 said:

I’m Irish living in Australia, engaged to an Australian man who I adore. 

He made it clear that living in Australia was where he wanted to be which is also what I wanted when we started going out. 

My lifestyle is definitely better here but I am extremely close to my family and I go through bouts of homesickness.

We are due to get married next year and we are talking about buying our longer term home and it’s stirred up feelings and difficult conversations that I didn’t realise I had buried. 

Obviously we have discussed this before, but I feel now my subconscious feelings that I wasn’t admitting are coming to the surface. 

I really want to live in Ireland for a period if we have children. He is an only child and cites that his parents want their chance at being near grandchildren so it wouldn’t be fair for us to move away. 

I have three siblings, so the logic is my parents at home will get other opportunities, which is upsetting to me because it won’t be my children. 

We came to a compromise they we would live in Ireland for one year. My partner however has made it clear that he doesn’t want to live there longer term. 

My job and career and everything would be better here, but I fear that once I have children my pull to family will be even stronger. I’m struggling with the finality or the option of living there not being even an option. He feels like he has been cheated and the goal posts moved because I agreed to living here, which I can understand. 

But I guess now I feel a bit different, or might feel different in the future. 

After a year a home, I may hate it, I may love it, but I suppose the hard thing is it won’t be a trial it will be a temporary thing with a definite move back to Australia. 

I feel like I’m left with a terrible choice, stay with the man I love and envisioned a future with and be maybe homesick, with potential to get worse in the future, or cut it loose now before it gets complicated with children etc, but risk moving home and being miserable and alone and being filled with regret: 

 

I don’t know that I want him to move and be miserable either, which I think he thinks is what the outcome would be if he lived there/ 

 

He wants to do whatever he can for me, but feels like he can’t leave his parents here with no support. There has to be a loser in the situation and the compromise he feels is we live there for a year but I don’t feel totally satisfied with that, because ultimately I still feel like I have to sacrifice a lot more. But then again, I was the one who lived in Australia and thought I wanted to live here. 

 

It’s also a hard sell in terms of financials, weather, lifestyles and career goals, because the only benefit is my family and a larger support system. He has a step sibling who he doesn’t get on with and who doesn’t have children.  

Obviously my head says stay but my heart doesn’t know because it’s like choosing between the family I already have and the family I’m trying to build. 

 

It’s like I’m waiting for the moment for it to all become clear but it hasn’t happened. 

I know nobody can decide but me but any advice from people who have been through something similar would be appreciated and how you have navigated it. 

 

I wasn’t trying to move the goal post, I guess as time has gone on, my feelings are just changing. 

And that’s the hard part, everything is based on maybes and hypotheticals. 

 

Please be gentle, I’m homesick and torn! 

I feel for you. It's the hardest subject to broach, because, in the end, it could destroy what you have built and hoped for. I wish you success in coming to a decision.
 

[Jennyrose Shields]

Hi we came for my husbands work transfer for 2 yrs . 
now 20 yrs later kids all grown got grandchildren . But after 20 yr Yes I am still incredibly home sick . Most of my family have died in the Uk now But friends yes of 40 yrs . Been home a few times and just been with fellow poms who get my since of humour who love the English weather and just fit into this country . 
Australia is an amazing country but not home . 
In hindsight I should have taken the kids and left at the end of the first week here . 
kids all settled with kids if there own but can always fly over for visits . 

so do what your heart tells you Inly you know where heart belongs. Life is short enjoy it 
 

[Quoll]

1 hour ago, Jennyrose Shields said:

Hi we came for my husbands work transfer for 2 yrs . 
now 20 yrs later kids all grown got grandchildren . But after 20 yr Yes I am still incredibly home sick . Most of my family have died in the Uk now But friends yes of 40 yrs . Been home a few times and just been with fellow poms who get my since of humour who love the English weather and just fit into this country . 
Australia is an amazing country but not home . 
In hindsight I should have taken the kids and left at the end of the first week here . 
kids all settled with kids if there own but can always fly over for visits . 

so do what your heart tells you Inly you know where heart belongs. Life is short enjoy it 
 

Absolutely.  Your head can tell you that this is home but your heart just doesnt go with the plan!!!

[Toots]

2 hours ago, Jennyrose Shields said:

Hi we came for my husbands work transfer for 2 yrs . 
now 20 yrs later kids all grown got grandchildren . But after 20 yr Yes I am still incredibly home sick . Most of my family have died in the Uk now But friends yes of 40 yrs . Been home a few times and just been with fellow poms who get my since of humour who love the English weather and just fit into this country . 
Australia is an amazing country but not home . 
In hindsight I should have taken the kids and left at the end of the first week here . 
kids all settled with kids if there own but can always fly over for visits . 

so do what your heart tells you Inly you know where heart belongs. Life is short enjoy it 
 

If you're still homesick after 20 years here, I'd say go back to the UK.  I think you will be far happier.  Start to make plans now even if it takes a couple of years or so.

[Blue Manna]

13 hours ago, Toots said:

If you're still homesick after 20 years here, I'd say go back to the UK.  I think you will be far happier.  Start to make plans now even if it takes a couple of years or so.

Some people never settle. Even if they move back, it's not the same. Pandora's box. Sometimes it's safer just to never move. Ah, but until you do, you'll never know. There's no win win here. Just find the best compromise you can live with.