Guest kiwi Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Hi Englishrose I started reading and thought you just had a communication problem which is common enough. I've been with mine for 20 years and there have been 2 or 3 occasions when I considered leaving because we weren't communicating. But each time, once we started talking and touching it was OK again. I think that may be one of your problems and it's really important to sort it. However, I also think you don't trust him. Finding out just before you left that he may be contacting someone must've made a difference to your feelings about him and Oz. I fully understand that you're scared to go it alone, especially in a different country. I also wonder why you don't have a job, as this might give you a network of friends to support you and a bit of income. While I understand that you express yourself in words better, I'm not sure a letter is the way to go, but it's better than not communicating at all. Whatever you do, avoid the phrases "you always" or "you never" and simply state what's missing from your life and that you're not sure you can continue unless he wants to make a go of it. I'm pretty sure there is cheaper counselling available for marriage and families in trouble if you enquire. All the best. Be strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calNgary Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Yes I should, sorry No ,you shouldnt be sorry Ian is right and wrong ,yes we are an Australian migration Forum ,we also pride ourselves on the friendly network of users we have ,any long term member of this forum will know if someones sad we try and cheer them up,if they want advice we try and give it,migrating and the whole process surronding it ,tests us to the limits as a person ,never mind a family unit,if we want to vent off on here we can ,please dont let anyone put you off asking for help with anything. I truely hope you find the happiness your looking for ,if its with the hubby or not,just do whats best for you. Cal x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shellj Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 No ,you shouldnt be sorryIan is right and wrong ,yes we are an Australian migration Forum ,we also pride ourselves on the friendly network of users we have ,any long term member of this forum will know if someones sad we try and cheer them up,if they want advice we try and give it,migrating and the whole process surronding it ,tests us to the limits as a person ,never mind a family unit,if we want to vent off on here we can ,please dont let anyone put you off asking for help with anything. I truely hope you find the happiness your looking for ,if its with the hubby or not,just do whats best for you. Cal x Quite right Cal, here to help whatever the situation..i wish you happiness and all the best..shell,j Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 So sorry but I think you know in your heat what you have to do. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish in this life for your own sanity and do not feel guilty whatever you decide, look forward. I think its ok to vent here as its pretty anonymous and sometimes people are just talking with themselves really and do not need our comments. :smile: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Quite right Cal, here to help whatever the situation..i wish you happiness and all the best..shell,j I am not a long term member or anything but if my experiences may help somone then I will try. Its often better to talk to strangers especially in this sort of situation we don't know either of them and we are not going to be bias. I think we have all given good advice. We should all give ourselves a pat on the back and send our very best wishes to her as this is such a stressful time, the worst in my opinion.:yes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest stockies Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Hi Englishrose....... I really feel for you right now.........Please dont go and make any rash decisions , as someone has already mentioned communication always seems to be a major part in troubled times..This might not be the case with you, but I personally have found by writing down on paper how you are feeling and what problems you may or may not have, what you feel you are missing.etc . also making a list of all the positives and negatives , then once you have all this ya can then look at it and read through so its fresh in your mind and then try and talk to each other,its hard to get men to listen but you have to make them sometimes ya have to be cruel to be kind...also time alone with each other is vitally important, we do forget at times who we are and what we also need. There is no right and wrong answer that we can give you , not sure if this has helped you , but i truelly wish you well in whatever you do.. Claire. XX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuju Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Please do not turn this thread into a slanging match this issue is a very senstitive issue & if englishrose has decided too share her thoughts & concerns with us on this site then so be it. Englishrose can decide for herself if & when she chooses to go & see a marriage counciler, us as fellow members of poms can only share our experiences of marriage breakups & each senario is different, the way one of us feel maybe so completly different from someone else & their views of marriage & happiness. Children grow up & flee the nest, whats left behind then, very often a couple who realise that they should has seperated many moons ago !!! Yes we sometimes have to be cruel to be kind, but like i said on my previous post happiness in life is the most important issue of all & no one should be somewhere or in a relationship that they do not want to be in.... you only live once & have to make the most of the time you have. So please lets just advise englishrose without debating whos wrong or right on married life stuju Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest beermeister Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Hi EnglishRose I'm nowhere near qualified enough to give you any proper advice on how you should resolve things or what direction to take your relationship, but just wanted to say: It's a tough issue and if it makes you feel better to write about it on this forum, then go for it - besides the odd bit of bickering, there seems to be loads of people trying their best to offer help Please don't overlook personalised advice from an experienced relationship councellor - most of us on this forum are just a rag tag bunch of Aussie wannabes, or other miscellaneous unclassified categories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest AndyandYvonneD Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Hi, I have been in this situation, and YOU are the only person who will know what decision is right for YOU. Take Care Yvonne x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alet Viljoen Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 See, this just proofed it....one feels closer to people on Poms, than to your own friends and people in your town!!! Cant wait to meet all of you, we're gonna have a very very big halo one day.... To Englishrose...I hope that you find a way to make this all better! Im only married 4years and hope to be for 12 and longer.. "Somewhere someone's kneeling your name in prayer, knowing that you need to feel God's loving and caring touch, if you feel a sudden warmth in your heart, know it's God embrasing you right now...." Thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Englishrose Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I am touched by all your support, really I am, thank you. I must admit that I very nearly decided not to post again on here as I don't think I am strong enough to fight as to my reason for posting on here. I know this isn't marriage guidance, I am not a stupid person and understand where I should get my advice but today was just too hard, I needed to let it out. I am normally a strong person who usually picks up everyone else but this has got me beat. What I have decided is that tomorrow I am going to ring up a guidance counsellor and see if I can sort this out, I really don't want to walk away until I have to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoanneHattersley Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 YOU are the only person who will know what decision is right for YOU. Well said Yvonne! This is the RIGHT answer. EnglishRose, only you know! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keily Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I too have been in the same situation ....and it didnt matter what anyone else told me to do ....when push came to shove ...i knew myself what i was gona do ...thankfully it all worked out !!!! On the note of him being in debt ...could this be the underlying prob ....is he maybe depressed ???? .....once you start talking he may find it a relief to get it off his chest ...sometimes things are not always what they seem ...i have also learnt that over the years !! Wishing you all the best whatever happens mrs keily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest moonraker1961 Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I would just like to wish Englishrose the best of luck in whatever you decide to do,I'm sure it'll be the right thing for you.We're all here for you if you need a chat and shoulder,take care xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I would just like to wish Englishrose the best of luck in whatever you decide to do,I'm sure it'll be the right thing for you.We're all here for you if you need a chat and shoulder,take care xxxx[/quote You are sooooo right. And so say all of us.:notworthy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest badzy Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Ma'am that's a trial in marriage...yeah the advice are great!You;d better find time for yourself, think and weigh the things out.You've been in the marriage fora long time, and why ruin it?Give each other a good talk and compromise things:unsure: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 So sorry Englishrose that things are not being great for you - the best advice you have been given is to check out Relationships Australia. If you cant afford to pay then they wont charge you and they are the good guys - they wont force you into something that you dont want to do. Alternatively if you are a spiritual kind of girl, sometimes the clergy can be helpful. One of the things about moving to the other side of the world is that sense of isolation and when the going gets rough and you dont have your support network on hand, the isolation becomes incredibly oppressive. I hope that you have got a support network of real life people where you are and please feel free to vent/pm - after all what are anonymous friends for! Look after yourself! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Gollywobbler Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Hi Englishrose I'm saddened to hear that you are not very chirpy at present. I just want to say that I agree completely with taffy. Don't make a big thing of it, as in, "We Must Talk Or I'll Wring Your Neck" because men can't deal with that. Don't criticise Hubby either. What's in the past stays in the past and that is the best place to leave it, honey. I sounds like you don't particularly trust OH any more. Personally I think that without absolute bedrock trust in the other person, relationships are tricky but that is only my personal view. However, in my work as a lawyer, I've had very distressed ladies come flying into my office at short notice, absolutely at the end of their tethers. Fortunately for them, I haven't a clue about divorce, to the point that I've never even seen a divorce petition, so for them to ask me about divorce is singularly pointless! They prolly know more about it than I do since I've really only ever done Land law. I sit these ladies down, give them a cuppa and listen to why Hubby is so hateful. Then we get down to brass tacks - which is the dosh. It is rare to find a couple who have enough joint dosh in the kitty for both of them to be able to afford to own and run comfortable homes on their own and so forth, plus since you are not working at present, what would you do for a living? The deal doesn't come with a hefty lump sum plus being supported financially for the rest of your life. The Courts ditched that idea long ago, so the deal tends to be the lump sum or the income but not both. By then, frankly I've done as much as I can with it and if they want to pursue the idea of divorce, they will have to come back another day to see a colleague who actually knows something about it. Which I happen to believe is a very important safety-valve, so I refuse to facilitate an appointment for next week. I get them to go away and think very hard about it for 3 months. If at the end of that time they come back and tell me that yes, they absolutely do want a divorce, then I will get the ball rolling on that straightaway, but not until 3 months have elapsed. 12 weeks is nothing out of a lifetime, my friend. They rarely return, because whilst the angst might be in "the relationship" and "communication between us" and all the rest of the psycho-babble that one hears, the bottom line is that marriage is and always has been an economic unit first and foremost. Never, ever forget that. If the dosh that you have now would not be available without Hubby, then you'll be so busy trying to keep body and soul together that you won't have that much time to worry about the psycho-babble, honey. I am a widow and I was widowed young. Trust me, it is not nice. I can no longer take for granted the things that I used to be able to take for granted. Companionship is not that easy to replace, especially when you knew someone very well, had your frustrations, rows etc but basically couldn't be bothered to keep it up for long and hey, the sun shone today! Something nice happened. Mr New comes prowling (and trust me, they crawl out of the woodwork.) He is divorced. You think "Why? I know your ex-wife. What's wrong with you that she ditched you?" I've learned that the wife of 20+ years with him was usually right. The only Mr New since Jim died turned out to be really nice on one level but a waste of space on the other. After four or so years of complete off and on, "I'm scared of commitment," he bleated. I thought, "In that case, I've no time to bother with you any further, chum. I'm sick and tired of pandering to you, trying not to push you, trying to put up with, 'I'm working this weekend', which I don't think is actually happening half of the time anyway, and all this rubbish about 'We've got a ship coming in this weekend' (he's a Marine Superintendent with big oil tankers) but it is amazing how a bloody great tanker has done the vanishing trick if I happen to pass by that jetty. Nope. You can take your fear of commitment and inflict it on somebody else, my old son!" He had the cheek to ring up recently, asking if I wanted to meet him for a drink at 30 minutes' notice one night. Why would I want to put myself out for that purpose? It was only a spur of the moment idea because I happened to be in a witty mood that evening so I was making him laugh on the phone. The answer was no. If he wants to see me again, he can damned well make a date for three weeks hence and I want something better than a quick drink in the local. And even then, I might just arrange it and then stand him up, just to teach him that I will NOT be trifled with, but if other ladies are schmuck enough to put up with it then good luck to both him and them, frankly! More front than blinking Marks & Sparks if you ask me, though. And then there is the Village Lecher..... Another story entirely! A right optimist he is! Who NEEDS it? Honestly, lassie, the devil that you know is often a heck of a lot better than the one that you don't! Especially when hard cash is involved, as it inevitably and invariably is with any divorce. Plus in my observation, marriages can often be very stony for a few years when the kids are teenagers. Their frequently bratty moods often don't help the parents, I suspect. But I've seen MANY a couple get through that phase and come out like Darby & Joan on the other side of it for the rest of their lives, including my own parents. They came within an ace of divorce when I was 14/15, but they had been married - and each other's best friends - for 40 years by the time that Dad died when I was 35. Remember this, too! The divorce lawyer has no interest whatsoever in your relationship and whether a divorce is really the right thing for you. He's only got eyes for the profitability for himself of divvying up your matrimonial assets, my friend. Please, please do not try to make any decisions whilst you feel as you do at the moment. You are too upset just now to be able to make a reliable decision, I suspect. Best wishes Gill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mummybutch Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 What if you write him a letter about how you feel, then go out and give him time to read it and think about what you have said.A letter is a powerful thing and you can be clear about your feelings without the words getting stuck in your throat.My husband wasn't a good talker or listener,we hit rock bottom about 18 months ago and I wrote him a letter it was a very emotional time but now we are stronger than ever.Don't make the mistake of thinking you know what he is thinking and feeling,thats what we did, it nearly ended our relationship. good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikci Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Hi Englishrose, So sorry to read your thread. I am no expert thats for sure, and all I can suggest is to do what feels right and makes you happy. Life is short and we have to make the most of everyday. I am sorry I cant offer any better advice and I wish you lots of luck and happiness for the future. All the best, Nikci Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KirstyM Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Just want to echo what others are saying, it sounds like you're having a tough time and I hope you can find your way thorough it. I've had a similar situation where I ended up having to walk away from a 7 year relationship because of many of the issues you mentioned. Secrets (the dreaded other woman / women), poor communication, debts I didn't know about, defensive OH. Boy, I didn't want to do it as it felt really scary being alone and I really loved my partner. But in the end he gave me no choice as he refused to sort things out. It was one of the worst, yet in the end best things that ever happened to me. I still remember the terrible emotional pain and the legal hassles afterwards. But my experiences and everyone elses won't help, this is your situation and yours alone. The best advice I can give is for you to do something, and do it quickly as you are quite clearly at the end of your emotional tether, and that is a place nobody should be. Wishing you good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MMPD Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Hi Englishrose Why shouldn't anyone be allowed to post their concerns which may arise more as a result of emmigrating or not, even to show others that we are not afraid to confront weaknesses in our marraige! Reading your post and reading about others offering their advice has brought a tear to my eye - it's fantastic how evryone has contributed with their advice shedding light on how we all struggle in life no matter what we try to do to make things better for our other half and the children, we are not feel alone! Sounds as if you are giving your all and maybe a short break from him would do you some good to rethink some of your decisions for the future more clearly and give him time to decide what he really truly wants for his future as a father and husband...don't mean to be too blunt but i wiould insist on this short break and women normally know after whether he is 100% or not too bothered about the marraige...there are just signs, call it womens intuition! I have been blessed with my hubby who i've known for a good 18 years yet i'm only 35 :arghh:(only kidding) and will also advise that we have had alot of good and bad rollercoasters over the years but have grown, adjusted and compromised and i think if one of us decided to stop all mentioned then the family would enevitably collapse, so what i'm saying is that if you are doing everything you can and he is not then it's best to have that wee break then a chat, decide on what action to take and then get on with the rest of your life..............life really is too short!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
godders Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 It;s a hard situation to be in, knowing when to call it an 'end' I'm a facilitator for dads in distress, a support group for 'men' going though the dramas of seperation/divorce etc as guys do find it hard to talk about their feelings and are unable to express themselves properly, as you said stomp about etc ...what the hell does that mean?? I guess, there are people out there iwllign to listen and or give advice but it is just that, ADVICE & OPINIONS. At the end of the day, only YOU can decide what is best and you must follow through with the decision whatever you choose. I'm sure there will be plenty of people willing to listen. Cheer up & best wishes. Paul Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest stephi Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Hi I am new to the site and to Oz and I really feel for you. I agree with most of the comments especially about the children. We are all so tied up with the kids suddenly they are older and you realise you have forgotten about yourself and each other. I have been with my hubby for 22 years (married for 13) and loads of our pals have separated and divorced through similar circumstances. Marriage is difficult and you have to make time for yourselves together and of course you. Life throws us many hurdles but don't give up and try a couple days to yourself (easier said than done I know) to try and find yourself again and then try to get back on track with your marriage. You seem very low and bottling things is so easy when you are so far away from friends and family, but you are braver than you think for posting. Take it easy and a huge hug, take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Englishrose Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Well after a bottle of wine and a much needed sleep I got up this morning heavy hearted. I did what I had to do and when I came home I told him how I feel and asked if he would go to marriage guidance with me. He didn't seem to have any idea of how I felt. He was shocked, not sure how he could be living with me yet be so far removed from me. He kept asking me what he should do and what we should do but I just cannot see what to do tomorrow let alone what to do about the rest of my life. He admitted to me that he had neglected us and I truly believe that he is sorry. I told him that I am scared that I will get up and just leave and I think that shook him up. Yet, he never answered my question about marriage guidance, I'm not sure he will unless I push him. One good thing to have come out of this is that posting on this site has helped me face things, it seems more real. I am going to go to relationship counselling by myself anyway, i need to work out what I feel. Not sure where we go as a couple now, but at least we have made a start, we have been through too much just to chuck it all away. That way at least I have been honest with myself and 'if' we decided to walk away then know deep down that I tried. I owe us that much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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