Guest Englishrose Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 We've been in Oz for a year now and I feel like saying enough is enough and calling time on my 12 years of marriage. The only thing stopping me is me, if that makes sense. I just feel like I cannot talk to anyone about it. We don't seem to talk anymore and he doesn't know how I feel, I think we are both to scared to just incase. Our kids are teenagers and I really don't want to upset their lives more than they have already, but what do I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest taffy 62 Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I think you should suggest to make some time to be alone and say you need to talk to him, maybe go out for dinner somewhere, and just say how you are feeling as he needs to know. You cant fix something if hes not aware its broken. Maybe say things along the line of: I think things have changed between us, do you feel happy or do you thing we can improve on our relationship in some way. Then tell him you dont feel happy and make a list of things to try, and work on those then in a few months time you may start to feel happier. As the kids are older make some time to start doing things together, and finding some common interest. You could be stuck in a rut and it could be time to make some changes. Its worth giving it a try before giving up 12 years. Sometimes it happens as the kids get older you need to start being a couple again as you have more time on your hands because the kids dont need you so much, and sometimes people get so wrapped up in looking after the kids they forget about themselves, then all of a sudden, when the years have flown pass think; What about me. Hope this helps. PM me if you feel you need to chat and open up, sometimes it helps to talk to some one who isnt emotionaly involved, and I'm sure soon there will be other people here posting with their words of wisdom. Chin up hang in there.:smile: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail39 Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 sorry to hear of your dilemma,maybe a weekend away would be a start where you can talk and sort some stuff out...feel free to pm me if you want i am a good listener Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 You can go to Relationships Australia either as a couple of on your own. It's very difficult to offer advise or give you the space you need to discuss your issues on a forum ... I think you probably need to discuss it with someone face to face. Ali Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Englishrose Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Thanks for the support. It has been building up for a while now and all I get from him is that he is trying his best but it isn't about that, it's about us and everytime I have got upset about it he tends to shout or stomp off. I know that he is trying his best to make it work here but it is his dream and I am trying to make it work, I am not ready to go home and I do still love him but I'm not sure how much. We came here for a better life but since arriving I have found out that he is £10, 000 in debt, all of which have now reduced our savings for a new home. We did split up for a time a couple of years ago when I found out he had been seeing an ex-girlfriend. We got back together and we were stronger for it. Yet, two days before we come here he got a text from someone which was very friendly and he instantly changed his sim card, what does that tell you? Am I being nieve? To be honest, I knew coming here would be a make or break for our relationship, I truly wanted it to work but I'm not sure if I have much fight left. I'm just scared of doing it alone and being single again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Englishrose Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 You can go to Relationships Australia either as a couple of on your own. It's very difficult to offer advise or give you the space you need to discuss your issues on a forum ... I think you probably need to discuss it with someone face to face. Ali Thanks, I know what you mean and I have been looking online for marriage counsellors but I don't think we can afford it as I am not working. I wouldn't normally post such intimate thoughts online but today I just had too, I needed to vent because it feels like a volcano is about to go off inside my chest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ddwild Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Hi English Rose I am very sorry to learn of how unhappy you are! The other replies you have had are basically advice I would give, try to make time for yourselves as a couple, spend quality time together and try and work out how you both feel without the kids being in earshot. 12 years of marriage is a great milestone (these days anyway!), perhaps a short break away from the kids would help you find one another again and give you a chance to find the romance you have lost. Give it a go - dont give up without trying! Good luck and if you need a chat ....... Diana x :radar: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pottsy Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 So sorry to hear what a difficult time you are going through.I really hope you find a way to get through this with as much support as possible from us all on this website. I have seen 5 very close friends go through major marrital problems in the last 3 years and it is so painful for all involved. I really hope you can talk to each other.If you love him that is worth fighting for but you need to be happy too,its your life too. I really hope you get to spend some time alone and really talk.He has to know how you feel,its a partnership.How ever difficult it is ,he must listen to you.Things cannot start to be put right until you discuss whats wrong. I believe every marriage goes through its stresses,you are not alone,but sometimes going through the difficult times together you work out a stronger relationship,it worked before. Have you a close friend or someone you can really talk to??Sometimes discussing things through and venting it all helps. Always at the end of the computer if you need a relief. It must have been very hard for you to post this. Sending you a great big hug love pottsy xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sheena Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 hi ya! such a sensitive thread, but I'm going to say what i feel, and its just my opinion, if i felt as you seem to do (and wont go into too much on here, but i have been there) i would leave! i know that what people on here would normally say, but whats the point in staying if you feel that way! and please don't say for the kids! sometimes the kids would be better off! they don't want to be living in a house were their is arguing all the time etc! and from what you said he has already played away from home, and could be again, don't you think you deserve better?? and you can"go it alone" after being together that long, it will take time but you will be fine honest! i feel in your heart you know what to do really? feel free to pm me if you want an honest answer to you questions, take care sheena :wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest brooksey Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I think sheena is being a bit rash. If you were in England fair enough but in this case you could be putting thousands of miles between the kids and one of their parents. Which one only you know. I'm not going into details but i was in a simular position to you 6 years ago and only the kid kept us together and we went through hard times but now i truly believe that we are stonger than ever. I'm not trying to tell you to stay or go (a bit clashy) but just think hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emmaroo Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 hi ya! such a sensitive thread, but I'm going to say what i feel, and its just my opinion,if i felt as you seem to do (and wont go into too much on here, but i have been there) i would leave! i know that what people on here would normally say, but whats the point in staying if you feel that way! and please don't say for the kids! sometimes the kids would be better off! they don't want to be living in a house were their is arguing all the time etc! and from what you said he has already played away from home, and could be again, don't you think you deserve better?? and you can"go it alone" after being together that long, it will take time but you will be fine honest! i feel in your heart you know what to do really? feel free to pm me if you want an honest answer to you questions, take care sheena :wubclub: Hi I totally agree with Sheena on this one!. I know it might not be what you want to hear but i saw a really close friend go through the same and it was horrible to watch. Too many couples stay together for "the kids" and it's the kids that hurt the most because of it. I think you sound like a strong intelligent woman and would get along just fine being single! Stay strong! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I feel for you I really do. If the love has gone it can quickly turn to hate. I split up with my ex husband when I was 27 and I had two daughters 5 and 2 and it was a dark dark time but it was better than living in the prison I was in. What you should do which helped me to decide, it sounds cold hearted but it will make things clearer just calmly think am I happier when he is around or when he is not. That will give your answer for sure. It will be hard on the children no doubt but can you really stay where you are miserable to make them happy. Whatever you decide I wish you luck I know its very hard.x:cute: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest cobblers Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 It nearly broke my heart to read your post, you must feel so very alone right now. Marital problems are so awful to deal with at the best of times, let alone in a new Country with everyone you love and trust (I presume) on the other side of the world - I'm sure this must exacerbate the feelings. The move you have made in the last year is the biggest thing emotionally, financially and practically you will ever do (after having children) and the fallout can be felt for many, many years. It takes an incredibly strong relationship to come through this and be better for it. You may have had problems in the past, but they are in the past and you chose to forgive (don't let anyone ever tell you whether you were right or wrong to do this - only you can know). Who knows? Maybe his main reason for coming here was to well and truly put any past indiscretions behind you both. I'm afraid it is the nature of man that they are not great at displaying their emotions and opening up (I know this is a generalisation and that there are some that do) but I really think you need to push him to do this and let him know the seriousness of the situation for you. You sound like a tough cookie to me (although a very sad and lonely one right now) and you will come through this one way or another - I just hope the outcome is what you really want in your heart. But please remember, being with a man you don't want to be with just because you don't know if you can be alone is not the answer sometimes it's lonelier inside a marriage than out of it. Wishing you much love and luck with your choices, feel free to PM at any time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Englishrose Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Thanks everyone for spending the time to reply. I have wrote him a letter telling him how I feel (I feel that I can express myself better) but I'm not sure if I have the bottle to give it to him. The thing is I am myself when he isn't around, bubbly and fun. It was my birthday yesterday and all I got was a card, no present no nothing. I wasn't expecting anything flash but it did make me feel unloved. We don't even really argue, we just don't talk and leave it for a while and then carry on as though nothing has happened. But I'm suffercating. He is a good man but I'm just not sure if that is enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuju Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Thanks for the support. It has been building up for a while now and all I get from him is that he is trying his best but it isn't about that, it's about us and everytime I have got upset about it he tends to shout or stomp off. I know that he is trying his best to make it work here but it is his dream and I am trying to make it work, I am not ready to go home and I do still love him but I'm not sure how much. We came here for a better life but since arriving I have found out that he is £10, 000 in debt, all of which have now reduced our savings for a new home. We did split up for a time a couple of years ago when I found out he had been seeing an ex-girlfriend. We got back together and we were stronger for it. Yet, two days before we come here he got a text from someone which was very friendly and he instantly changed his sim card, what does that tell you? Am I being nieve? To be honest, I knew coming here would be a make or break for our relationship, I truly wanted it to work but I'm not sure if I have much fight left. I'm just scared of doing it alone and being single again. Hi Englishrose You sound very similar to myself afew years ago, i have been there & done that. I left my ex husband after 16 years of marriage & having 3 daughters together, it was the hardest thing i ever did & i was riddled with guilt for a long time not only for my daughters but my ex too. I too didnt have any fight left in me & was scared that nothing would ever be the same again & i coudnt see anyway forward but one day i just snapped & up & left. Maybe you could put some miles between you & your hubby & the day to day rountine of the same of & see how you feel after a while I am a great believer in following your heart & being happy as we all only have one shot at this life & have to make the most of it while we can. I don't feel that anyone should stay in a marriage for the sake of the children,unhappiness is not fair on anyone. Time is a great healer & hearts do mend, trust me - today is my 5th wedding anniversary to my 2nd hubby, and after all the emotions & heartache of leaving my previous marriage i woudnt change a thing. I wish you the best in what ever you decide with your life, just remember be happy take care stuju x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I think relationships australia have a sliding scale of fees - depending on what you can afford - so well worth you giving them a call, as I said you don't need to go as a couple, you can go on your own and also your hubby could go along with you later. Womens centres often offer free councelling, but there is a waiting list for these generally and it sounds as if you need to be seeing someone soon. Communication is the key ... try to keep it going even though it's hard, once you stop talking to each other, it's often hard to start again, even when you want to. Try to get some time where the two of you can sit down together without distractions to try to talk about how you both feel about things, be honest and be calm (that's a hard bit), encourage him to put into words how he's feeling too and try to work out what you both want from your relationship and marriage. Doing this with a councellor is a great way to ensure you both get heard and have the time to try to understand were each of you is coming from. They're impartial - they ask the right questions ... so often couples will say "I never knew you felt like that" ... it's not that it hasn't ever been said before... it's just that it's not been heard ... Remember that moving house alone is one of the most stressful things you can go through, moving house and to a country the other side of the world makes it all the more stressful. Your hubby is probably stressed too and unsure how to make things better - you said your relationship became stronger after your brief seperation... which suggests that it has a lot going for it and wasn't just putting a plaster over the cracks. Relationships Australia arent' just about helping people stay together, but they can help couples with the going of their seperate ways if that's what you've decided. Good luck on working things out Luv Ali x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Hi EnglishroseYou sound very similar to myself afew years ago, i have been there & done that. I left my ex husband after 16 years of marriage & having 3 daughters together, it was the hardest thing i ever did & i was riddled with guilt for a long time not only for my daughters but my ex too. I too didnt have any fight left in me & was scared that nothing would ever be the same again & i coudnt see anyway forward but one day i just snapped & up & left. Maybe you could put some miles between you & your hubby & the day to day rountine of the same of & see how you feel after a while I am a great believer in following your heart & being happy as we all only have one shot at this life & have to make the most of it while we can. I don't feel that anyone should stay in a marriage for the sake of the children,unhappiness is not fair on anyone. Time is a great healer & hearts do mend, trust me - today is my 5th wedding anniversary to my 2nd hubby, and after all the emotions & heartache of leaving my previous marriage i woudnt change a thing. I wish you the best in what ever you decide with your life, just remember be happy take care stuju x So right after being on my own for 5 years (deliberate I needed the me time) I met my ex husband when I was 17, first house at 18 married at 21 and first baby at 23. any way my new husband and me are celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary on the 5th of August. And I am still just as much in love with him as the day we first met. Laughter does come after tears.:wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sheena Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I think sheena is being a bit rash. If you were in England fair enough but in this case you could be putting thousands of miles between the kids and one of their parents. Which one only you know. I'm not going into details but i was in a simular position to you 6 years ago and only the kid kept us together and we went through hard times but now i truly believe that we are stonger than ever. I'm not trying to tell you to stay or go (a bit clashy) but just think hard. can you tell me why i am being rash???? who said she would have to go back to the uk?? not me! kids can and do survive with only one parent for whatever reason!! loads of people on here including myself have been through this, i am saying what i feel is right, the same as you! and i for one would never stay married to a lying cheating scumbag just for the sake of my kids! it will be hard to leave etc, but you soon get over it, and you can start a new life the way you choose to live. why stay in a marriage if you are not happy, or someone is cheating, or being abused! this is the 21 centuary, we dont have to put up with c**p like that anymore!! this is my point of view to which i am entitled, why tell the poor woman to go away for a hoilday with him etc, when she has already said money is tight etc, and to me i truley think she wants to leave, but is just having trouble telling him! sheena :wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest IanH Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I'm sorry to be a little heartless but should you not be talking to a marriage guidance counsellor and not an Australian Immigration Site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest cobblers Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Oh dear, please, please don't argue over this thread. This is obviously a sensitive issue, but let's please not forget there is a deeply unhappy woman here who's life we are all commenting on. I think the original post was to let off steam, none of us can really tell her what to do, just show our support. I'm sure all our thoughts are with Englishrose at this difficult time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Englishrose Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I'm sorry to be a little heartless but should you not be talking to a marriage guidance counsellor and not an Australian Immigration Site. Yes I should, sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sjs Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 just wanted to wish you all the best and to do what is right for you, your husband and the kids. i feel a relationship with kids is maybe worth more fight BUT staying together is not always what is right for all parties you may all be happier if you are both apart. only you know the answers. as ali says relationships australia should be worth a call - sounds like they would be great for you to talk to. luck and love sjs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sheena Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Oh dear, please, please don't argue over this thread. This is obviously a sensitive issue, but let's please not forget there is a deeply unhappy woman here who's life we are all commenting on. I think the original post was to let off steam, none of us can really tell her what to do, just show our support. I'm sure all our thoughts are with Englishrose at this difficult time. hiya, nobody is arguing over this thread, but we are all intitled to say what we feel! most on here who have replied have been through it in one way or another, so each will say their bit, whether that be right or wrong! but i wanted to know why i was being told that my reply was "rash" why should i say something i dont feel is right, in my opinion she should run, not walk out of there! we all know she is very unhappy. but its no good saying "there,there it will all be ok" she has put a thread on here so she is asking for people's opinon's good or bad!! sheena :wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jaynie Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I think sheena is being a bit rash. If you were in England fair enough but in this case you could be putting thousands of miles between the kids and one of their parents. Which one only you know. I'm not going into details but i was in a simular position to you 6 years ago and only the kid kept us together and we went through hard times but now i truly believe that we are stonger than ever. I'm not trying to tell you to stay or go (a bit clashy) but just think hard. I think you are being a little harsh here on Sheena, she hasn't suggested that the lady move back to England and being a Mother herself she would understand the importance of staying around for her children and their Father for that matter. Sheena is speaking from the heart, and giving advice as she see's it. Thankfully I have never been in this position and hopefully never will be. Good luck in all you do Englishrose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sheena Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I think you are being a little harsh here on Sheena, she hasn't suggested that the lady move back to England and being a Mother herself she would understand the importance of staying around for her children and their Father for that matter. Sheena is speaking from the heart, and giving advice as she see's it. Thankfully I have never been in this position and hopefully never will be. Good luck in all you do Englishrose. thank you jayne!! sheena :wubclub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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