Moving home with older kids

[Amber Snowball]

3 hours ago, Wanderer Returns said:

I generally avoid replying to posts about ping-Pomming because quite often the OP has already made up their mind about what they want to do and are just looking for validation, but I can see that's not true in your case. I think you're doing the right thing by giving your son a choice, and fingers crossed he'll decide to return with you anyway, or later on should he decide to stay here and do the apprenticeship here. Anyway, you sound like a lovely family, and I really hope this all works out for the best.

Clearly there's no doubt in your mind that the UK is the best place for you, but I wouldn't underestimate how hard it's going to be returning at the moment. When I left in January the country was already in a mess before the pandemic, and I gather from my friends over there that daily life is pretty grim at the moment. Even with the vaccine it will be a long time before life in the UK returns to anything that resembles normal, and with the whole Brexit trade issue still unresolved, the long-term economy and food supplies could be effected significantly. Unemployment is skyrocketing, and it's unlikely that as returning residents you'll be entitled to any government support, so I hope work won't be an issue for you. Even before any of this, we were waiting two weeks for a doctor's appointment - it's nothing like it is over here. But the one thing that shocked me the most when I returned in 2015 was the number of homeless people, who are everywhere now. I would say that a lot of these changes have occurred in the last 10 years, but if you've been back recently then you'll know that anyway.

I think like many things this depends where you are in the uk.
Yes life is different. Not so many things are open and if they are they are operating a bit differently and in comparison to Australia we are definitely still in the eye of the storm, much like lots of Europe. We are in tier 2 so open to a half ar**d degree. Tier 3 less fun, lots of restrictions. 

I speak to my GP the same day I phone. Tele appts all the go at the moment but I have never waited 2 weeks for an appt even prior to Covid and they are seeing those triaged as needing it.

There are job losses as there are everywhere including Australia I believe. Depending upon the OPs profession will depend on how the job search will go. Hospitality? No chance. Health sector? Every chance. My plumber and decorator are booked up for months.Some sectors more affected than others.

Not to dismiss your friends/family experience but lets not forget the Brits innate ability to do their country down and basically whinge. They seem to think everywhere is better than here. My life isn’t grim just a bit dull as there isn’t so much to do.
Yes the amount of homeless is appalling. Austerity on a stick right there.

Food supplies, the lady from some retail organisation or another  says there will be less choice, her example was instead of 15 different lettuces there might only be 6 but there will be lettuce. Being used to shopping in Australian supermarkets that reduced choice shouldn’t be a problem. Companies are stockpiling non perishable goods. Increase on price on some stuff, probably.

Australia dealt with covid well I think. Locked down hard and early. Not sure how feasible that was here if I’m honest. Not likely to be much normality here until beyond Easter. 
Just providing an alternative view and if the OP delays again they may never leave. It’s a tough decision in tough times times. Lots to think about and I don’t envy them.

 

[Wanderer Returns]

2 hours ago, Amber Snowball said:

I think like many things this depends where you are in the uk.
Yes life is different. Not so many things are open and if they are they are operating a bit differently and in comparison to Australia we are definitely still in the eye of the storm, much like lots of Europe. We are in tier 2 so open to a half ar**d degree. Tier 3 less fun, lots of restrictions. 

I speak to my GP the same day I phone. Tele appts all the go at the moment but I have never waited 2 weeks for an appt even prior to Covid and they are seeing those triaged as needing it.

There are job losses as there are everywhere including Australia I believe. Depending upon the OPs profession will depend on how the job search will go. Hospitality? No chance. Health sector? Every chance. My plumber and decorator are booked up for months. Some sectors more affected than others.

Not to dismiss your friends/family experience but lets not forget the Brits innate ability to do their country down and basically whinge. They seem to think everywhere is better than here. My life isn’t grim just a bit dull as there isn’t so much to do.
Yes the amount of homeless is appalling. Austerity on a stick right there.

Food supplies, the lady from some retail organisation or another  says there will be less choice, her example was instead of 15 different lettuces there might only be 6 but there will be lettuce. Being used to shopping in Australian supermarkets that reduced choice shouldn’t be a problem. Companies are stockpiling non perishable goods. Increase on price on some stuff, probably.

Australia dealt with covid well I think. Locked down hard and early. Not sure how feasible that was here if I’m honest. Not likely to be much normality here until beyond Easter. 
Just providing an alternative view and if the OP delays again they may never leave. It’s a tough decision in tough times times. Lots to think about and I don’t envy them.

That's very encouraging, and I'm glad things aren't as bad over there as I'd been lead to believe - thanks for putting it into perspective.

Much as though I love Australia and have adapted to life down under, like everyone I have my Achilles heel. Whenever I walk around the supermarkets here I cry a silent tear for Sainsburys, Tesco and the ready-meal aisle! 20 years ago there wasn't really much in it, but in recent years supermarkets have advanced so much in the UK and the choice is just amazing. The new Lidls are slaying it on price and quality!

Given the population density of the UK, it would probably have been very difficult to eliminate community transmission completely like they have over here, but they certainly could have handled it a lot better. The whole country is an island (well two islands) - surely that was a missed opportunity?

Edited December 14, 2020 by Wanderer Returns

[Amber Snowball]

4 minutes ago, Wanderer Returns said:

That's very encouraging, and I'm glad things aren't as bad over there as I'd been lead to believe - thanks for putting it into perspective.

Much as though I love Australia and have adapted to live down under, like everyone I have my Achilles heel. Whenever I walk around the supermarkets here I cry a silent tear for Sainsburys, Tesco and the ready-meal aisle! 20 years ago there wasn't really much in it, but in recent years supermarkets have advanced so much in the UK and the choice is just amazing. The new Lidls are slaying it on price and quality.

Given the population density of the UK, it would probably have been very difficult to eliminate community transmission completely like they have over here, but they could have certainly handled it a lot better. The whole country is an island (well two islands) - surely that was a missed opportunity.

Things aren’t great for a lot of people don’t get me wrong. In the nhs I have been blessed with full pay, no redundancy etc. The effects on some of our most vulnerable of the pandemic, lockdown etc will be felt for a generation tbh. But there are areas of hope.

Hopefully your friends will get through this with minimal damage to their lives.

 I still look forward to my grocery shopping here.

  

[Homesick1]

6 hours ago, Amber Snowball said:

I think like many things this depends where you are in the uk.
Yes life is different. Not so many things are open and if they are they are operating a bit differently and in comparison to Australia we are definitely still in the eye of the storm, much like lots of Europe. We are in tier 2 so open to a half ar**d degree. Tier 3 less fun, lots of restrictions. 

I speak to my GP the same day I phone. Tele appts all the go at the moment but I have never waited 2 weeks for an appt even prior to Covid and they are seeing those triaged as needing it.

There are job losses as there are everywhere including Australia I believe. Depending upon the OPs profession will depend on how the job search will go. Hospitality? No chance. Health sector? Every chance. My plumber and decorator are booked up for months.Some sectors more affected than others.

Not to dismiss your friends/family experience but lets not forget the Brits innate ability to do their country down and basically whinge. They seem to think everywhere is better than here. My life isn’t grim just a bit dull as there isn’t so much to do.
Yes the amount of homeless is appalling. Austerity on a stick right there.

Food supplies, the lady from some retail organisation or another  says there will be less choice, her example was instead of 15 different lettuces there might only be 6 but there will be lettuce. Being used to shopping in Australian supermarkets that reduced choice shouldn’t be a problem. Companies are stockpiling non perishable goods. Increase on price on some stuff, probably.

Australia dealt with covid well I think. Locked down hard and early. Not sure how feasible that was here if I’m honest. Not likely to be much normality here until beyond Easter. 
Just providing an alternative view and if the OP delays again they may never leave. It’s a tough decision in tough times times. Lots to think about and I don’t envy them.

 

Thank you for your comments. 
I think one of the hardest things even at the best of times, is that Oz is so beautiful & the place offers such a wonderful quality of life on so many levels that you know the UK just doesn’t compare. However, it’s the emotional ties of family & friends that seem to pull us back (and, I must admit, I also miss the weather, the culture, the architecture & the history... so pretty much the whole package ). I do remember what it was like being a teen there though & it can be pretty brutal so I do worry that if things go wrong for my kids, I’ll always feel it could’ve been avoided by staying in Oz. Then again, I’m doing that now anyway so what’s the difference
 

[Amber Snowball]

23 minutes ago, Homesick1 said:

Thank you for your comments. 
I think one of the hardest things even at the best of times, is that Oz is so beautiful & the place offers such a wonderful quality of life on so many levels that you know the UK just doesn’t compare. However, it’s the emotional ties of family & friends that seem to pull us back (and, I must admit, I also miss the weather, the culture, the architecture & the history... so pretty much the whole package ). I do remember what it was like being a teen there though & it can be pretty brutal so I do worry that if things go wrong for my kids, I’ll always feel it could’ve been avoided by staying in Oz. Then again, I’m doing that now anyway so what’s the difference
 

Oh love, it is so hard and you can drive yourself mad churning it over and over.

I agree that in some senses Australia is a a little gentler on teenagers but if you have the misfortune to get involved in some sports clubs it was just as brutal in my experience. Cliquey, if your face fits, favourites etc. I didn't help because I had no desire to follow the sexist doctrine that because I'm a woman I want to help out in their bloody food services.  That's a story for another day.

I didn't move back for family. Didn't see them before I left the UK, didn't see them whilst I was away and don't see them now I'm back. I like the county shows, shopping choices, the seasons, the countryside, not having to explain my sarcasm/jokes! Or indeed apologising for them all the time. 

You talk about the quality of life in Australia but then list just about everything you could possibly miss about the UK, so my question is what quality of life? Your actual quality of life or the perceived quality on paper?

Lots of what ifs in life. We make the best decision we can with the information we have at any given time. You have some lee way in terms of making a decision and sometimes the decision makes itself. Something happens and it's a no brainer. Chat with your son again in a few days as you said and see where you are at. Just be aware if you stay again for him to finish his apprenticeship, then your daughter won't want to leave because of school, friends, uni etc. Then there will be girlfriends/partners/jobs/grandchildren on and on it goes. Be clear that your life may become forever in Australia if you go that path. Only you can decide if that is okay/right for you.

I have made my peace with the fact my son will probably stay in Australia as his girlfriends family are there and she likes it there, so any grandchildren won't be in my day to day life. I accept that I moved him to Oz aged 11, he has been there longer now than in the UK and it was my choice to move back to the UK, so I basically have to suck it up. However if he moves to anywhere else in the world which isn't inconceivable, then from the UK I might be closer than if I had been left in Oz. And I would have been stuck there because of pensions etc. I moved when I did to allow me a bit of time to create some pension "wealth" (I use that word very lightly ).

I hope nutting it out on here and others experiences etc helps you rather than muddies the water further. 

[Tulip1]

12 hours ago, Wanderer Returns said:

I generally avoid replying to posts about ping-Pomming because quite often the OP has already made up their mind about what they want to do and are just looking for validation, but I can see that's not true in your case. I think you're doing the right thing by giving your son a choice, and fingers crossed he'll decide to return with you anyway, or later on should he decide to stay here and do the apprenticeship here. Anyway, you sound like a lovely family, and I really hope this all works out for the best.

Clearly there's no doubt in your mind that the UK is the best place for you, but I wouldn't underestimate how hard it's going to be returning at the moment. When I left in January the country was already in a mess before the pandemic, and I gather from my friends over there that daily life is pretty grim at the moment. Even with the vaccine it will be a long time before life in the UK returns to anything that resembles normal, and with the whole Brexit trade issue still unresolved, the long-term economy and food supplies could be effected significantly. Unemployment is skyrocketing, and it's unlikely that as returning residents you'll be entitled to any government support, so I hope work won't be an issue for you. Even before any of this, we were waiting two weeks for a doctor's appointment - it's nothing like it is over here. But the one thing that shocked me the most when I returned in 2015 was the number of homeless people, who are everywhere now. I would say that a lot of these changes have occurred in the last 10 years, but if you've been back recently then you'll know that anyway.

You paint a grim picture. What area of the UK were you in?  Homelessness happens everywhere but I rarely if ever see any homeless people were I live and work. You make it sound like you’re falling over them as you walk about.

[Amber Snowball]

11 minutes ago, Tulip1 said:

You paint a grim picture. What area of the UK were you in?  Homelessness happens everywhere but I rarely if ever see any homeless people were I live and work. You make it sound like you’re falling over them as you walk about.

In all honesty in Liverpool you do feel like you are falling over them. It’s proper depressing.

[Tulip1]

1 hour ago, Amber Snowball said:

In all honesty in Liverpool you do feel like you are falling over them. It’s proper depressing.

That’s not good, such a shame. 

[Amber Snowball]

5 minutes ago, Tulip1 said:

That’s not good, such a shame. 

It is.

 I was always shocked at the homeless in Melbourne. No idea why I thought they wouldn’t have any. Some of that Home and Away starry eyed thinking probably.  

Scourge of most cities I think, some more hidden than others I suppose. Chester has some but the numbers in Liverpool is really eye opening and it really is there but for the grace of God isn’t it. Could be any one of us.

[Lavers]

13 minutes ago, Amber Snowball said:

It is.

 I was always shocked at the homeless in Melbourne. No idea why I thought they wouldn’t have any. Some of that Home and Away starry eyed thinking probably.  

Scourge of most cities I think, some more hidden than others I suppose. Chester has some but the numbers in Liverpool is really eye opening and it really is there but for the grace of God isn’t it. Could be any one of us.

Manchester is bad for homelessness.....still sleeping in the doorways of shops during the day.

[Amber Snowball]

Just now, Lavers said:

Manchester is bad for homelessness.....still sleeping in the doorways of shops during the day.

Not surprised.  I’ve only been to Manchester for the Christmas markets and the Trafford Centre. 

I’ll moderate myself here and get back on the subject of the thread  

@Homesick1 where in the north east are you thinking of returning to?

[Wanderer Returns]

5 hours ago, Tulip1 said:

You paint a grim picture. What area of the UK were you in?  Homelessness happens everywhere but I rarely if ever see any homeless people were I live and work. You make it sound like you’re falling over them as you walk about.

We were living in Chesterfield, which has never been a particularly affluent town, but has never had a major problem with social deprivation either. What I noticed when we returned in 2015 was that most towns seemed to have a population of homeless folk, whereas a decade earlier they only seemed to be in major cities. I watched a documentary before leaving the UK which linked it 'county lines' - the infiltration of drug trafficking into more rural areas.

I'd agree that life in Australia is far from removed from 'Home & Away', and there are social problems in areas of every major city, but nothing that compares with the UK life.

[Wanderer Returns]

4 hours ago, Amber Snowball said:

Not surprised.  I’ve only been to Manchester for the Christmas markets and the Trafford Centre. 

I’ll moderate myself here and get back on the subject of the thread  

@Homesick1 where in the north east are you thinking of returning to?

She's probably changed her mind now! 

[Marisawright]

44 minutes ago, Wanderer Returns said:

She's probably changed her mind now! 

I certainly hope she hasn't.   The poor woman is so homesick, she's been driven into clinical depression.   People who suffer homesickness to that degree never recover and it's very difficult to learn to live with it - it never goes away, even with professional help.  if your stories have persuaded her she must resign herself to a life of depression in Australia for the sake of her kid's apprenticeship, I'll be disappointed. 

Edited December 14, 2020 by Marisawright

[Homesick1]

5 hours ago, Amber Snowball said:

Not surprised.  I’ve only been to Manchester for the Christmas markets and the Trafford Centre. 

I’ll moderate myself here and get back on the subject of the thread  

@Homesick1 where in the north east are you thinking of returning to?

Gosh, I’ve only been to Manchester a few times too & loved it! Maybe I’m wearing my rose-tinted spectacles again but England always feels so ‘honest’ whereas I feel like everything in Oz is so polished but hides a darker reality. Can’t explain it really, it’s just a feeling I get
We’d be moving back to Middlesbrough (once voted the WORST place to live in England ), so it is a stark contrast to the sunny Gold Coast. My kids know it well as we’ve been back every second christmas but I still think they’ll suffer a huge culture shock. 
I think the agony comes from knowing that I need to choose between my own happiness & that of my kids. It goes against all of my parenting instincts to put myself first but I know that my depression will affect them in the long run too so it feels like a lose-lose situation. 
Thank you again for all of your comments - it helps to be able to get so many different views on this. What would we do without the internet, hey?

[Marisawright]

37 minutes ago, Homesick1 said:

I think the agony comes from knowing that I need to choose between my own happiness & that of my kids. It goes against all of my parenting instincts to put myself first but I know that my depression will affect them in the long run too so it feels like a lose-lose situation. 

That's exactly the dilemma.  But remember, it's only your son's happiness that might be affected.  Your younger child will adapt and can have just as happy a life in the UK as she does in Australia.  Lots of PomsinOz members have moved home with kids over the years and I've seen very few of them say, "I wish we hadn't".  

As for your son - you say he's in with a bad crowd, so although he may have to be dragged kicking and screaming, and will have to start again back in the UK, maybe it'll be the break he needs to start afresh?

Edited December 14, 2020 by Marisawright

[Wanderer Returns]

47 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

As for your son - you say he's in with a bad crowd, so although he may have to be dragged kicking and screaming, and will have to start again back in the UK, maybe it'll be the break he needs to start afresh?

Maybe you should let the OP decide for herself the best approach with her son, and avoid putting ideas in her head. Clearly she's not happy here, but as a family they have some difficult decisions to make, and the way they approach it is best left to them. @Homesick1 has had plenty of input from all of us and hopefully that's been helpful, but we shouldn't try and influence someone else's decision based on what we would do personally, as we're not living their life.

All I'd say is that it would be prudent not to cut ties with Australia completely at this stage, as the OP wouldn't be the first homesick person who went back to the UK, only to return to Australia a couple of years later. (This is assuming that they are not already citizens, of course).

[ramot]

1 hour ago, Wanderer Returns said:

Maybe you should let the OP decide for herself the best approach with her son, and avoid putting ideas in her head. Clearly she's not happy here, but as a family they have some difficult decisions to make, and the way they approach it is best left to them. @Homesick1 has had plenty of input from all of us and hopefully that's been helpful, but we shouldn't try and influence someone else's decision based on what we would do personally, as we're not living their life.

All I'd say is that it would be prudent not to cut ties with Australia completely at this stage, as the OP wouldn't be the first homesick person who went back to the UK, only to return to Australia a couple of years later. (This is assuming that they are not already citizens, of course).

They are citizens 

i think it’s the best now for  Homesick and family to think about all the help we have tried to give, and make their own decisions.

I wish them all the best for whatever decision they make xM

Edited December 15, 2020 by ramot

[Marisawright]

1 hour ago, Wanderer Returns said:

Maybe you should let the OP decide for herself the best approach with her son, and avoid putting ideas in her head.

...ah, but that works both ways, doesn't it?

I guess you are looking at it from the point of view of your 18-year-old self and thinking, "How dare she disrupt her son's life just because she fancies going home?".  But the situation is not the same.  Ask yourself, if your mother had been in the same situation, severely depressed and crying herself to sleep every night, would you still say they shouldn't have moved back?   

I am not telling her what to do, but I'd expect (from past experience) that she's already getting a mountain of advice that she's stupid to go back, life in the UK is sh!t and Australia is a paradise, etc etc.  Plus her guilt as a mother is playing heavily on her.  All I'm trying to do is barrack for her corner and reassure her that she matters too.

[Wanderer Returns]

17 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

I guess you are looking at it from the point of view of your 18-year-old self and thinking, "How dare she disrupt her son's life just because she fancies going home?".  But the situation is not the same.  Ask yourself, if your mother had been in the same situation, severely depressed and crying herself to sleep every night, would you still say they shouldn't have moved back?   

I am not telling her what to do, but I'd expect (from past experience) that she's already getting a mountain of advice that she's stupid to go back, life in the UK is sh!t and Australia is a paradise, etc etc.  Plus her guilt as a mother is playing heavily on her.  All I'm trying to do is barrack for her corner and reassure her that she matters too.

Neither have I said or thought that. I only stated that her son would benefit from being given the choice to stay, and supported in that decision should he chose to do so.

Whether you're in the UK or Australia, life's as good as you make it, although if we're comparing apples to apples, being 18-years old, living on the Gold Coast (which you consider home) and having an apprenticeship, sounds like a better option than returning to Middlesbrough in a pandemic.

[Marisawright]

6 minutes ago, Wanderer Returns said:

Whether you're in the UK or Australia, life's as good as you make it

...up to a point, unless you're suffering incurable homesickness, in which case it's impossible to ever be truly "happy" in Australia, because you'll suffer from depression for the rest of your life here.  I know Quoll, for instance, has come to terms with it, but she'd be the first to say that it's a struggle.

I do hope you're not one of those people who thinks such an illness isn't real.   I was unaware of it until I joined Pomsinoz but I've seen so many examples of it now, I fully appreciate the suffering it causes.

Edited December 15, 2020 by Marisawright

[Amber Snowball]

7 hours ago, Homesick1 said:

Gosh, I’ve only been to Manchester a few times too & loved it! Maybe I’m wearing my rose-tinted spectacles again but England always feels so ‘honest’ whereas I feel like everything in Oz is so polished but hides a darker reality. Can’t explain it really, it’s just a feeling I get
We’d be moving back to Middlesbrough (once voted the WORST place to live in England ), so it is a stark contrast to the sunny Gold Coast. My kids know it well as we’ve been back every second christmas but I still think they’ll suffer a huge culture shock. 
I think the agony comes from knowing that I need to choose between my own happiness & that of my kids. It goes against all of my parenting instincts to put myself first but I know that my depression will affect them in the long run too so it feels like a lose-lose situation. 
Thank you again for all of your comments - it helps to be able to get so many different views on this. What would we do without the internet, hey?

My honest opinion is “ style over substance “ I rarely say it out loud as it feels unfair to Australia which was good to me. I’ve seen others on here say similar things, you aren’t alone.

 I don’t know Middlesborough but could you choose somewhere nearby rather than the city suburbs? This is a fresh start not a move backwards, unless you are travelling by time machine!

Make confident, positive decisions whatever you do. Like when we migrated to Australia in the first place, a bit of courage of our conviction goes a long way.

 

[s713]

The problem with moving country to country, whichever way round you're doing it, is that if everyone isn't on board it stands a fair chance of failure. That's not to say you shouldn't try, it's just the reality of the situation. We were in Australia for 11 years and I wanted to leave after 4 or 5. My wife loved it back then and I knew even attempting to talk her into moving back to the UK wouldn't work, if we'd have moved back she would have found fault with every little thing, I knew it. So, I stuck it out until she arrived at the same point I had, took a while but it has meant that our move back now is fully embraced and enjoyed by both of us. I don't know if this helps you but if your lad is happy where he is, it could be an issue. He might never want to move back. And he is 18.

[Antipodista]

Hi, sorry to hear of your homesickness and dilemma.

As someone who lived in Australia for 10 years and is now home in the UK I totally empathize and sympathize. It is tough in the UK at the minute but like Amber has identified, most of us are just getting on with life. There is a real community spirit about it in a lot of areas and everyone feels in it together. I’m pleased for Australia of course that theyve been so much better off re the pandemic but like it or not, it IS a large part due to geography. The UK is a tiny island which is part of (soon no longer) a huge bloc. We couldn’t have just shut the borders. And it grates a little when you hear that Australia overcame the virus because people were more willing to follow the rules - I think they had just as many rule-breakers there by the sounds and the UK people in the main have tried so hard and put up with so much. But I digress!

Again, tricky to hear about how you can’t get a GP appointment- I needed some bloodwork last week. Called GP, telephone appointment next day, bloods done 2 days after that, results by phone with GP 3 days after that (with weekend in the middle!), follow up scan (non-urgent) booked 2 weeks later. Not bad, but I must be in a very good area. I’m sure it’s not unique though. Also don’t forget that the cost of private health here is actually comparable to Aus now - I actually pay less than I did there. 

I actually am at the point now where I do miss Australia. BUT even in the midst of all this, I feel better off here. I do think of my kids and whether Australia might be better for them right now. But I just remember that crushing unshakable loneliness. That doesn’t go.
 

All countries have pros and cons. You need to be where your heart needs to be, that’s the long and the short of it. I just like to redress the balance with the whole “the UK is an absolute pit” arguments.

[Tulip1]

7 hours ago, Marisawright said:

That's exactly the dilemma.  But remember, it's only your son's happiness that might be affected.  Your younger child will adapt and can have just as happy a life in the UK as she does in Australia.  Lots of PomsinOz members have moved home with kids over the years and I've seen very few of them say, "I wish we hadn't".  

As for your son - you say he's in with a bad crowd, so although he may have to be dragged kicking and screaming, and will have to start again back in the UK, maybe it'll be the break he needs to start afresh?

But he won’t have to be dragged kicking and screaming, it’s his choice to go or not. They cannot drag him, he’s an adult.  I’d agree with you if he was 15 but he’d 18. He could be married, have moved out already, be serving in the armed forces somewhere or off travelling the world. I think the poster has to move for their sanity as they’re so desperate but I think too much is being put on this young man.  He was taken to Australia aged 9 and has settled, has to bunch of friends and likes his life there. It’s his home and where he feels he belongs. He’s made it clear he wants to stay there. He’s said the right things like you being happy is more important than Australia but then says about him wanting to stay. The bottom line is he doesn’t want to move and he shouldn't have the burden of that being forced onto him. I think they should make their plans to move, give him support in sourcing a house share or whatever and move.  His poor mind must be all over the place and that’s not fair. We shouldn’t put that kind of pressure on our adult children. To me this is no different than had I tried to stop my kids from moving to Australia because I didn’t want them to. I did the opposite, I shared in their excitement and supported them. We raise them to be adults and they then make their own choices, we don’t own them.  I think the only future discussions the family should be making is about the three of them moving and sorting out the other one staying. He knows they desperately want him to go with them so he can chip in he’s decided to go too at any time but that pressure should end.