Moving home with older kids

[Homesick1]

As I previously mentioned, my family & I were planning on moving home this year after 9 years of being in Aus. We were stalling due to covid & wanted to wait until things were under control before moving back to England as we figured it was going to make things too difficult for our kids. 
My daughter has now finished primary school & is ready to go into high school and so we were aiming to get back in the coming weeks (now that the vaccine is being administered we figured things should go back to normal in England very soon). However, my eldest (18 year old) has just been offered an electrical apprenticeship after almost a year without work & so it has completely taken us aback. We don’t want to take him away from this opportunity but it’s only a job (which he’s happy about but isn’t passionate about the work as it’s not his dream job!), & we’ve spent 9 years putting our feelings on the back burner in favour of doing what’s best for the kids. 
I have sunk into quite severe depression & can’t see a way out of this. I’m privately crying constantly as I feel so trapped. I won’t leave him behind as he still makes poor choices & I feel his friendship group is bad for him (he only started hanging out with this group this year & he has become quite secretive & distant - maybe just his age but I worry there’s more to it). 
We have lots of family in the uk & we’re all very close but my son doesn’t have friends there & his life is here. I can’t promise that he’ll find an apprenticeship there but he could go to college & meet people whilst waiting to find work. I doubt this is what he wants but I feel he’s still growing up & needs to figure out what it is that he wants to do.
He can’t afford to stay here alone on an apprentice wage but if we stay here any longer, my youngest will be in the midst of high school & so the cycle starts all over again. Both of our parents are getting older & I regret my decision to move here every single day as we have already missed out on so much. I can’t even bring myself to imagine the next year here let alone 4 more. 
How do we make sure everyone is happy without destroying our kids’ lives? 

[ali]

I really feel for you - I can feel the angst in your post.   Whilst 18 is technically an adult, I know what you mean about your son not being old enough or savvy enough to cope on their own.   You're not going to be able to make everyone happy so it's going to have to be about prioritising the person/people with the most need and from your post that would be you.  Have you seen someone for your depression?  Whilst medications/counselling won't take away the problem, they can ease the symptoms and make you feel that you're more emotionally functional.

Have you asked your son what he wants to do?  If it's not the job of his dreams then he may feel that he's got nothing to lose and want to go back too.   (I assume he's known about your plans to return and they won't come out of the blue). Have you told your son how you feel?  Don't think of it as emotionally dumping, but having a grown up conversation,  again, thinking of my own son when he was 18 his priority would have been to be with us wherever that would have been.   Do check out the residency requirements for attending college/Uni in the uk as I've read here on the forum that there are residency requirements.

I do think you have to be number 1 at the moment, have a family meeting (as cliched as it sounds), it's worked for us when there have been important issues that effect all of us.

[Lavers]

There are loads of apprenticeships in the UK, so I wouldn't have thought that your son would struggle to find something. 18 is an easy age to make new friends, get into a sports team or something then off to the pub every weekend .

Your daughter has just finished year 7 then? If so year 8 in the UK started in Sept so now would be the time to move as she will be picking her GCSEs around May ready to start yr9 in Sept 2021. If you leave it any longer then it will be very messy and possibly struggle in her GCSEs.

Personally it's the timing for your daughter that you need to think about most.

 

[Marisawright]

Does your son understand how desperately unhappy you are?  If not, it's high time you stopped hiding your true feelings from him.  Of course he's going to resist leaving, if he thinks you'd just "prefer" to go home.  You AND your husband need to make it clear to him that your health depends on it.  You've sacrificed your happiness for him for several years, and it's time to look after you.

You may be worried about leaving him, but ask yourself - if you stay, will it make any difference at all to the friends he hangs out with or the choices he makes?    Anyway, you may well find that when he realises he'll be living in a share house with no money, he'll decide he'll be better off with you.  So give him the chance to decide, instead of making assumptions.  

If you don't go now, you're going to spend the rest of your days in Australia.  It's now or never, because your son won't move once he's qualified, and your daughter's education will get in the way.  

 

[Homesick1]

2 hours ago, Lavers said:

There are loads of apprenticeships in the UK, so I wouldn't have thought that your son would struggle to find something. 18 is an easy age to make new friends, get into a sports team or something then off to the pub every weekend .

Your daughter has just finished year 7 then? If so year 8 in the UK started in Sept so now would be the time to move as she will be picking her GCSEs around May ready to start yr9 in Sept 2021. If you leave it any longer then it will be very messy and possibly struggle in her GCSEs.

Personally it's the timing for your daughter that you need to think about most.

 

Thank you for your words of reassurance. We’re from the north east so once upon a time, he would’ve found work as an electrical apprentice straight away. However, I’m hearing horror stories about kids not being able to find apprenticeships in the trades & my hubby feels that this opportunity in Aus could set him up for life. I have my doubts as I think he’ll get something quickly in the UK given his attitude & experience, but I know that it’s a huge risk. 
 

My daughter is due to begin year 7 so it really is a now or never situation

[Homesick1]

Thank you for all of your replies - you don’t know how much they’ve helped. Friends in the uk keep telling me to stay here as the place is in a mess & my kids are happy & healthy here. I know they’re right on many levels but I can’t help feeling as though my life is passing me by. I can’t imagine ever feeling better about this situation & feel a strong need to be around the people who love me & can take care of me for a while. 

[ramot]

7 minutes ago, Homesick1 said:

Thank you for all of your replies - you don’t know how much they’ve helped. Friends in the uk keep telling me to stay here as the place is in a mess & my kids are happy & healthy here. I know they’re right on many levels but I can’t help feeling as though my life is passing me by. I can’t imagine ever feeling better about this situation & feel a strong need to be around the people who love me & can take care of me for a while. 

I will send a 🫂 I know I don’t know you but I’m a mum and it sounds as though you need one. x M 

[Lavers]

32 minutes ago, Homesick1 said:

Thank you for all of your replies - you don’t know how much they’ve helped. Friends in the uk keep telling me to stay here as the place is in a mess & my kids are happy & healthy here. I know they’re right on many levels but I can’t help feeling as though my life is passing me by. I can’t imagine ever feeling better about this situation & feel a strong need to be around the people who love me & can take care of me for a while. 

You have to think about yourself also if you feel that bad.

We are from the North West and only moved to Aus in June this year. Apprenticeships have gone alot bigger over the last few years, since kids leaving high school have had to stay in education until they are 18.

Loads of colleges now do apprenticeships aswell as all the training centres, and theres always high demand for electricians. It's also an easy trade to set up on your own.

[Amber Snowball]

24 minutes ago, Homesick1 said:

Thank you for all of your replies - you don’t know how much they’ve helped. Friends in the uk keep telling me to stay here as the place is in a mess & my kids are happy & healthy here. I know they’re right on many levels but I can’t help feeling as though my life is passing me by. I can’t imagine ever feeling better about this situation & feel a strong need to be around the people who love me & can take care of me for a while. 

But you are not happy and healthy. Your children need a happy, functioning parent more than anything else.

 I too felt like I was trapped in a pretty prison, going through the motions. My son was entrenched in uni when I left in 2018, he was 24 so much older than yours. He is still in Australia with a job and a girlfriend so unlikely he’ll return to the uk. My own mental health demanded I leave, he was a bit anxious but we discussed it and I gave him the option to stay or leave and he chose to stay. I miss him but I am better in the uk.

I agree with Lavers that your daughter is probably more of a concern in terms of timing and yes you are right if you delay much longer then you’ll be there forever as education, then uni or jobs, then partners and possibly grandchildren, then pension issues/finances trap you ongoing.

It’s not a barrel of laughs here but outside of the headlines life is carrying on. Have a chat with your son, a move might be the change he needs in terms of friendship groups etc but if he’s of a mind there are plenty of poor choices for him to make here as well. However if you “become you” again back here and he sees and experiences that maybe he’ll feel better as well. Is he just reacting to the underlying sadness in the home? I suspect your children will know that you cry when you think no one is looking.
 

My heart breaks for you as I know how hard it is to leave something that on paper should be so “perfect”. I haven’t really looked back in 2.5 years, the occasional wobble but I know I’ve done the right thing.

 

[Lavers]

What does your husband think about going back?

[Homesick1]

3 minutes ago, Lavers said:

What does your husband think about going back?

He wants to go back for the same reasons that I do, but he thinks it’s unfair to punish the kids for our choices. He regrets not going back years ago when the kids were younger but he has the ability to ‘grin & bear it’ as he always says that things could be a lot worse as our life here is generally good. He’s right but I just can’t see through the fog right now. I know that my heart will never be whole here & I feel that in turn, my kids will never get the best of me. 

[Amber Snowball]

10 minutes ago, Homesick1 said:

He wants to go back for the same reasons that I do, but he thinks it’s unfair to punish the kids for our choices. He regrets not going back years ago when the kids were younger but he has the ability to ‘grin & bear it’ as he always says that things could be a lot worse as our life here is generally good. He’s right but I just can’t see through the fog right now. I know that my heart will never be whole here & I feel that in turn, my kids will never get the best of me. 

There are people who would see living in the uk as “punishment “ but really? It’s a first world country where your family are. There’s healthcare, housing, food, welfare, education and jobs. Yes things could be worse but we can all say that wherever we are. I think the thing is to pick a nice area on your return, not just blindly return to exactly where you started, unless that is the nice area you want. It’s England, a move of 20 minutes can mean a vast difference in area/housing etc without being too far from support.

From what you have written my personal feeling is that you are on a hiding to nothing by remaining in Australia. What will you do if you stay and your children grow up and move to Canada? By then financially you may well be stuck in a country you will probably really hate by that stage. 
more hugs.
 

[calNgary]

9 hours ago, Homesick1 said:

As I previously mentioned, my family & I were planning on moving home this year after 9 years of being in Aus. We were stalling due to covid & wanted to wait until things were under control before moving back to England as we figured it was going to make things too difficult for our kids. 
My daughter has now finished primary school & is ready to go into high school and so we were aiming to get back in the coming weeks (now that the vaccine is being administered we figured things should go back to normal in England very soon). However, my eldest (18 year old) has just been offered an electrical apprenticeship after almost a year without work & so it has completely taken us aback. We don’t want to take him away from this opportunity but it’s only a job (which he’s happy about but isn’t passionate about the work as it’s not his dream job!), & we’ve spent 9 years putting our feelings on the back burner in favour of doing what’s best for the kids. 
I have sunk into quite severe depression & can’t see a way out of this. I’m privately crying constantly as I feel so trapped. I won’t leave him behind as he still makes poor choices & I feel his friendship group is bad for him (he only started hanging out with this group this year & he has become quite secretive & distant - maybe just his age but I worry there’s more to it). 
We have lots of family in the uk & we’re all very close but my son doesn’t have friends there & his life is here. I can’t promise that he’ll find an apprenticeship there but he could go to college & meet people whilst waiting to find work. I doubt this is what he wants but I feel he’s still growing up & needs to figure out what it is that he wants to do.
He can’t afford to stay here alone on an apprentice wage but if we stay here any longer, my youngest will be in the midst of high school & so the cycle starts all over again. Both of our parents are getting older & I regret my decision to move here every single day as we have already missed out on so much. I can’t even bring myself to imagine the next year here let alone 4 more. 
How do we make sure everyone is happy without destroying our kids’ lives? 

Do you all have dual citizenship?

  Cal x

[Wanderer Returns]

What a horrible dilemma to be in - I really feel for you.

When I was 18 (1985) my parents retired and we moved from Essex (centre of the universe) to Derbyshire (distant galaxy), and my world fell apart. It's a very difficult age to move at and establish new friendships, unless you're particularly outgoing. I got into all sorts of bother - got arrested, crashed my car showing off and spent my first Derbyshire Christmas in traction! In the years that followed this created a rift between my parents and I, and everything that ever went wrong in my life was blamed on 'the move to Derbyshire'. That resentment never entirely disappeared until one day 30 years later, my mother randomly announced "I'm sorry, we should've never moved when we did." What made it worst was that my parents were very loving and they only wanted the best for me, but what they didn't appreciate is that what parents think is best for their children no longer applies when they're adults. And the longer it takes for parents to cut those apron strings, the harder it will be for the children in the long run.

When you're a child you go through your whole life having other people make decisions for you. Most of the time you don't even get to decide what you're having for your tea! It's very empowering for a young person to be given choices, and the respect that entails, from their parents. I've no idea about your circumstances, but would it be possible for you to return to the UK and support your son to start his apprenticeship?  - assuming that's what he really wants to do? I appreciate that you have concerns about him falling in the with wrong crowd, but the reality is that's no more or less likely to happen here than it is in the UK.

[Homesick1]

1 hour ago, calNgary said:

Do you all have dual citizenship?

  Cal x

Yes we do. I stayed 5 years ago so that we could get this then my kids would always have the option of returning one day. 

[calNgary]

1 minute ago, Homesick1 said:

Yes we do. I stayed 5 years ago so that we could get this then my kids would always have the option of returning one day. 

Then if it is making you feel so down being here, i would start to make plans to return, include the kids all the way and give your son the choice of returning with you or finding his own place here and standing on his own two feet. 

 Cal x

[Homesick1]

52 minutes ago, Wanderer Returns said:

What a horrible dilemma to be in - I really feel for you.

When I was 18 (1985) my parents retired and we moved from Essex (centre of the universe) to Derbyshire (distant galaxy), and my world fell apart. It's a very difficult age to move at and establish new friendships, unless you're particularly outgoing. I got into all sorts of bother - got arrested, crashed my car showing off and spent my first Derbyshire Christmas in traction! In the years that followed this created a rift between my parents and I, and everything that ever went wrong in my life was blamed on 'the move to Derbyshire'. That resentment never entirely disappeared until one day 30 years later, my mother randomly announced "I'm sorry, we should've never moved when we did." What made it worst was that my parents were very loving and they only wanted the best for me, but what they didn't appreciate is that what parents think is best for their children no longer applies when they're adults. And the longer it takes for parents to cut those apron strings, the harder it will be for the children in the long run.

When you're a child you go through your whole life having other people make decisions for you. Most of the time you don't even get to decide what you're having for your tea! It's very empowering for a young person to be given choices, and the respect that entails, from their parents. I've no idea about your circumstances, but would it be possible for you to return to the UK and support your son to start his apprenticeship?  - assuming that's what he really wants to do? I appreciate that you have concerns about him falling in the with wrong crowd, but the reality is that's no more or less likely to happen here than it is in the UK.

Gosh, it sounds like you’ve been through a rough time. This is always a worry whenever a parent decides to move a child away from their friendship groups. 
I had hoped that my son would still see England as home as we have visited family there so regularly but as you said, his friends make Aus the centre of the universe. 
I know it’s selfish but I can’t leave without him; it wouldn’t feel right. I think you’re right though - I need to give him a choice & see what he says.

55 minutes ago, Wanderer Returns said:

What a horrible dilemma to be in - I really feel for you.

When I was 18 (1985) my parents retired and we moved from Essex (centre of the universe) to Derbyshire (distant galaxy), and my world fell apart. It's a very difficult age to move at and establish new friendships, unless you're particularly outgoing. I got into all sorts of bother - got arrested, crashed my car showing off and spent my first Derbyshire Christmas in traction! In the years that followed this created a rift between my parents and I, and everything that ever went wrong in my life was blamed on 'the move to Derbyshire'. That resentment never entirely disappeared until one day 30 years later, my mother randomly announced "I'm sorry, we should've never moved when we did." What made it worst was that my parents were very loving and they only wanted the best for me, but what they didn't appreciate is that what parents think is best for their children no longer applies when they're adults. And the longer it takes for parents to cut those apron strings, the harder it will be for the children in the long run.

When you're a child you go through your whole life having other people make decisions for you. Most of the time you don't even get to decide what you're having for your tea! It's very empowering for a young person to be given choices, and the respect that entails, from their parents. I've no idea about your circumstances, but would it be possible for you to return to the UK and support your son to start his apprenticeship?  - assuming that's what he really wants to do? I appreciate that you have concerns about him falling in the with wrong crowd, but the reality is that's no more or less likely to happen here than it is in the UK.

 

[Marisawright]

4 hours ago, Homesick1 said:

Thank you for all of your replies - you don’t know how much they’ve helped. Friends in the uk keep telling me to stay here as the place is in a mess & my kids are happy & healthy here. I know they’re right on many levels but I can’t help feeling as though my life is passing me by. I can’t imagine ever feeling better about this situation & feel a strong need to be around the people who love me & can take care of me for a while. 

Pay no attention to what people in the UK say.  Have they lived in Australia?    If not, they have no idea what it's like.  Most Brits think life is like Home & Away every day, and you're living in paradise. Of course they can't imagine you wanting to come home.   

Don't get me wrong, I love living in Australia, but I'm not like you - I've never been that close to family, so homesickness has never been a problem for me.  But I know it's a massive heartache for some people and you sound like one of those people.  

Life is good for kids in both countries. One is NOT better than the other, even now. They each have pros and cons.

 

[ramot]

It would appear that I am the only parent who has had to live apart from their children in my case because of my husband’s work.

When we went to Brunei our three children stayed in England. They were aged from our daughter 13, 2 sons aged 19 and 21. Our daughter left her friends that she had known since playgroup days to go to boarding school, the younger son was at university, and the oldest had just left university. I appreciate our circumstances were very different, but we had no choice and the decision was made by us, the children had to accept it.

I would be lying if I said it was it was easy, our daughter had a guardian, the 2 boys had to cope, she and the younger son joined us for holidays, they all survived, and luckily coped without too many major hiccups but it’s not an ideal family life, and I could fly back easily as my husband worked for an airline. 

From experience it’s hard very hard to have your children on the other side of the world, especially if you have no family back up as in your case in Australia for your son. If possible make a family decision, for instance in your case it sounds as your health is paramount, all go back, ask your son to give UK a really good try, but if after say 2 years he really wants to go back, then you will support him. With a bit of luck he will have a girlfriend by then.

All the best.

[Marisawright]

58 minutes ago, Homesick1 said:

I know it’s selfish but I can’t leave without him; it wouldn’t feel right. I think you’re right though - I need to give him a choice & see what he says.

....but make sure you tell him how you really feel.  If you hide your own desperation to go home, then you're lying to him, and not giving him all the facts he needs to make his decision. 

[Tulip1]

You need to make your son know how you feel but I think there has to be a cut off. He shouldn’t be made to feel so bad and guilty that he does something that will make him unhappy. I feel really bad for you but I can also see another side, just like I think you can. I’m sure as a nice son he wants you happy but I stop short of thinking he needs to make himself unhappy to achieve that. This situation whilst very sad is not his fault, he has done nothing wrong.  He just wants to remain living where he considers home.  He is an adult and can stay if he wants. I know you worry, believe me that never ends but he is capable of moving away from the family and he is living in a descent country that will look after him if something terrible happened.  If you stay because he wants to stay the chances are very high you will end up there permanently. As the years move on your daughter won’t want to leave and you’d be in a vicious circle. You go now and hope he joins/follows you or you live a miserable life. If you go you may still not be completely happy because your family is split but perhaps happier than the misery you feel staying. He has the added security of citizenship and knowledge of his country.  Hindsight is a wonderful thing but if only you’d have moved a few years ago.  He would no doubt have had a major hump still but he’d have had no choice.  My heart goes out to you, it’s a sad situation and I wish you the best of luck. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Tulip1

[Homesick1]

12 hours ago, ali said:

I really feel for you - I can feel the angst in your post.   Whilst 18 is technically an adult, I know what you mean about your son not being old enough or savvy enough to cope on their own.   You're not going to be able to make everyone happy so it's going to have to be about prioritising the person/people with the most need and from your post that would be you.  Have you seen someone for your depression?  Whilst medications/counselling won't take away the problem, they can ease the symptoms and make you feel that you're more emotionally functional.

Have you asked your son what he wants to do?  If it's not the job of his dreams then he may feel that he's got nothing to lose and want to go back too.   (I assume he's known about your plans to return and they won't come out of the blue). Have you told your son how you feel?  Don't think of it as emotionally dumping, but having a grown up conversation,  again, thinking of my own son when he was 18 his priority would have been to be with us wherever that would have been.   Do check out the residency requirements for attending college/Uni in the uk as I've read here on the forum that there are residency requirements.

I do think you have to be number 1 at the moment, have a family meeting (as cliched as it sounds), it's worked for us when there have been important issues that effect all of us.

Thank you for your advice - you were right on many points. He saw how upset I was & said that my happiness was more important than Australia & if I needed him to go then it’s not a big deal for him. However, by the end of the conversation (when the reality hit him) he was explaining that he might have to stay behind as he has to live his own life too, (which of course, he is right). I’m going to see how he feels in a few days before planning anything. Thank you again

[AliQ]

7 hours ago, Marisawright said:

Pay no attention to what people in the UK say.  Have they lived in Australia?    If not, they have no idea what it's like.  Most Brits think life is like Home & Away every day, and you're living in paradise. Of course they can't imagine you wanting to come home.   

This is so so true ! Life in Australia is NOT better, it's just different, and offers a different experience of "living on the other side of the world".

I would not let an 18 year old sway your thoughts either. At that age they could end up anywhere in the world in the future. You need to move now and I wish you well. 

[Quoll]

Good luck to you! But your mental health really has  to come first, you won't know how much better you feel until you don't feel this way any more. In guessing the best that you can hope for is that your son agrees to give it a go with the understanding that if it doesn't work for him he will be off again. Chances are you are going to end up in the other side of the world from one or both of your kids and that's the way it goes. It's not ideal but we grow them so they have wings and are capable of living their own lives.  

I've got one here and one there - the one who went to UK for a "holiday" almost 2 decades ago wouldn't come back for anything other than a holiday if you paid him!!! So you never know your luck, if your last is up for a bit of an adventure he may decide he quite like it but, as he said, it's his life. 

Good luck.

[Wanderer Returns]

15 hours ago, Homesick1 said:

Gosh, it sounds like you’ve been through a rough time. This is always a worry whenever a parent decides to move a child away from their friendship groups. 
I had hoped that my son would still see England as home as we have visited family there so regularly but as you said, his friends make Aus the centre of the universe. 
I know it’s selfish but I can’t leave without him; it wouldn’t feel right. I think you’re right though - I need to give him a choice & see what he says.

I generally avoid replying to posts about ping-Pomming because quite often the OP has already made up their mind about what they want to do and are just looking for validation, but I can see that's not true in your case. I think you're doing the right thing by giving your son a choice, and fingers crossed he'll decide to return with you anyway, or later on should he decide to stay here and do the apprenticeship here. Anyway, you sound like a lovely family, and I really hope this all works out for the best.

Clearly there's no doubt in your mind that the UK is the best place for you, but I wouldn't underestimate how hard it's going to be returning at the moment. When I left in January the country was already in a mess before the pandemic, and I gather from my friends over there that daily life is pretty grim at the moment. Even with the vaccine it will be a long time before life in the UK returns to anything that resembles normal, and with the whole Brexit trade issue still unresolved, the long-term economy and food supplies could be effected significantly. Unemployment is skyrocketing, and it's unlikely that as returning residents you'll be entitled to any government support, so I hope work won't be an issue for you. Even before any of this, we were waiting two weeks for a doctor's appointment - it's nothing like it is over here. But the one thing that shocked me the most when I returned in 2015 was the number of homeless people, who are everywhere now. I would say that a lot of these changes have occurred in the last 10 years, but if you've been back recently then you'll know that anyway.