Scotland or Melbourne?

[Ballaratburd]

Hi everyone, i have lurked on and off this forum for years but never actually posted until now.

I moved to Melbourne with my boyfriend (now husband) in 2013. I wont go into the nitty gritty of how much we struggled initially but after long periods of unemployment and casual work we finally managed to secure jobs and visas and now after 5 years we are both in very good jobs (Im a nurse manager, he is a police officer) Have just moved to Ballarat (Regional Victoria) and bought our first house, we have some savings, have paid off a huge chunk of our debts and life in general is amazing....so why am I so homesick?

We had our first baby in September. Ever since he was born i have felt so incredibly unsettled and my husband admitted the other night he feels the same. Now I completely appreciate that moving to a new place and having a baby are significant life changes and it could just be a temporary period of being unsettled. Six months ago if you had asked me if i would ever move home I would have said not in a million years, I love the weather, i love the lifestyle, we earn good money and by buying a house outside of Melbourne we have a small mortgage which should allow me to stay at home a lot with our son and any future children. I feel as if ever since our baby was born the things that used to annoy me about being here are magnified and the main one is that In general we find Australians quite hard to get along with. Dont get me wrong I have quite a lot of friends here but in general i have just never felt like I have any proper deep connections with anyone I have met since moving here, except for one friend who is also Scottish. That constant feeling like you dont belong to a place. Before I had my son I just ignored the feelings and concentrated on the positive aspects of living here (of which there are many) but i cant shake this feeling that its not going to go away.

 

We have decided to go home in September for a holiday which I think is definitely the most sensible thing to do. Ultimately there is not a massive rush to do anything anyways as we are currently waiting on our citizenship and my son is just a baby. Part of me feels like moving back to Scotland would be taking away so many opportunities for him like the weather and the lifestyle, but on the other hand I now feel like i am depriving him of the opportunities that growing up close to family and friends would offer. I also couldnt imagine ever going back to work for the NHS after experiencing how much better the work culture is in Victorian hospitals. That being said I dont intend on working much more than on a casual basis for the next decade whilst i raise my children.

Basically im just looking for a bit of casual chat with other ex pats to get your general opinions on things.

Thanks all

[VERYSTORMY]

Hello and welcome to the forum. 

Inthink what you are going through is fairly normal. One of the key reasons people move back is when they have children. 

Getting your citizenship is sensible. 

There is no hard or fast rules though on what is best. Both are first world countries that offer good but different lifestyles. We lived in WA for 8 years and then moved back to the UK and now live in Scotland, which we had never done before and love the lifestyle. 

[starlight7]

I assume most of your family are back in Scotland? A very different lifestyle from Ballarat and quite difficult in a way because Ballarat is more of a country lifestyle and it can be hard to crack into the social networks. At one stage of our lives we lived in NW Tassie and found this- lots of acquaintances but no real friends and most of the locals lived and breathed their extended families. I wouldn't like to offer advice as to what to do for your family just that it is hard when you have a young baby but when they get a bit older usually things get better.

[Quoll]

Your son would miss out on nothing by not living in Ballarat so that's not really a consideration (first time I've ever heard people thinking Ballarat's weather is something to write home about LOL). Opportunities in one first world country are going to be much the same as any other first world country so nothing lost there.

For me the feelings of being an alien never went away - my head told me that Australia was home but my heart never got with the plan - after 3 decades I loathed it (DH is a Ballarat boy and I don't think that I would have lasted 2 decades if we'd have been in Ballarat!).  At your stage I was still in "this is a nice adventure" mode and have never been one for "let's settle down" (I'm still not). My friendship circle is amazingly small for having lived over half my life in the same place and there is a difference IMHO with the quality of friendship - they just didn't stick and those few friends I had were long  term expats like myself, most of whom would give their eye teeth to move back but were stuck.

That said, you can probably take a pragmatic view for a few years - citizenship, build up the bank balance etc - then reconsider. By the time your son is heading for HS you'll probably want to have made your decision and hope that you haven't drifted past the point of no return. You're lucky that you've both got good jobs that should be recession proof.

[Antipodista]

Hi there...my feelings changed so dramatically after I had my first child my husband couldn’t understand it. The homesickness became so difficult and emotional and I felt such a nagging loneliness. It also felt odd to me bringing my child up in a childhood and place so different from my own. That being said, I always assumed that it was “grass is greener” syndrome and that I’d magically recognise how much better Aus was once is been back in the UK for more than a few months and the shine had worn off!

That unfortunately didn’t happen and it became apparent that the UK was where I feel I belong and life for me and the children is, for now, best and easiest. 

A trip back for you is crucial and I would make it as long as you can. Do an “act as if” you are living back - try to get an air bnb instead of staying with relatives, look at jobs, try to stay long enough that you are less of a novelty to friends and family, visit some schools etc etc, then assess from there. 

As someone who’s been there and is still going through it, feel free to DM. And my help for homesickness is to pop your favourite UK comedy show on Netflix and binge-watch xx

[Antipodista]

Hi there...my feelings changed so dramatically after I had my first child my husband couldn’t understand it. The homesickness became so difficult and emotional and I felt such a nagging loneliness. It also felt odd to me bringing my child up in a childhood and place so different from my own. That being said, I always assumed that it was “grass is greener” syndrome and that I’d magically recognise how much better Aus was once is been back in the UK for more than a few months and the shine had worn off!

That unfortunately didn’t happen and it became apparent that the UK was where I feel I belong and life for me and the children is, for now, best and easiest. 

A trip back for you is crucial and I would make it as long as you can. Do an “act as if” you are living back - try to get an air bnb instead of staying with relatives, look at jobs, try to stay long enough that you are less of a novelty to friends and family, visit some schools etc etc, then assess from there. 

As someone who’s been there and is still going through it, feel free to DM. And my help for homesickness is to pop your favourite UK comedy show on Netflix and binge-watch xx

[Ballaratburd]

Haha, the Ballarat weather has been throwing many 35 and 40 degree days of late which isint that enjoyable but overall the weather isint much different to Melbourne. I actually really like Ballarat as a town, much nicer and more personable than Melbourne but overall we still find the same issues here. 

Yes all of our family is back in Scotland, we have friends here but let’s just say that a lot of people have really disappointed me since I had my baby and I’m perhaps revaluating some relationships.

We will definitely “act as if living back” when we go home so we can try experience it as much as we can what it would be like if we did move back.

Part of me thinks we are mad to even consider moving home, we have it pretty good here and we have worked hard for it, the other part of me thinks that I had an itch and it’s now been scratched. Moving here, living here for 5 years, it’s all been great fun and I’ve learned a lot of life lessons but now I should go home and appreciate what I left behind. 

Edited January 28, 2019 by Ballaratburd
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[Quoll]

I've heard Ballarat had had some hot days this year - few years ago it was max 40 one day and max 13 the next when we were visiting. I've had to buy more cardigans and sweaters in Target there than anywhere else I've been! I always manage to misread the weather! It's there any water in the lake now? We will be down in April to check it out!

[Tricky]

You sound very similar to us. We arrived in Aus with very little and made a good life for ourselves and bought a house together. Once we had our daughter feelings changed. We also had friends but never felt like we belonged. 

We've been back nearly 6 months now and are happy being back and don't regret it one bit. Sure the weather isn't as good, but summer isn't far away. 

The trouble is, I don't think you'll truly know how you feel without actually moving back, as a holiday is just that, but hopefully you'll get a good idea. 

All the best with the decision making. 

[Ballaratburd]

Alas the decision has been taken out of my hands. Unlike Australia the UK had rules regarding residency before you can apply for the police. Three years for police Scotland and Five years for MOD police. My husband couldn’t get a job back in Scotland even if we did decide to return. To be honest finding this out today has actually made me feel relieved. I wonder if so many of my feelings were because of the recent upheavals in life (new baby, new house, new town) as opposed to actually wanting to move back to Scotland. 

[Ballaratburd]

7 hours ago, Quoll said:

I've heard Ballarat had had some hot days this year - few years ago it was max 40 one day and max 13 the next when we were visiting. I've had to buy more cardigans and sweaters in Target there than anywhere else I've been! I always manage to misread the weather! It's there any water in the lake now? We will be down in April to check it out!

Yes the lake is absolutely beautiful at the moment, in fact I am just getting ready to head out to walk around it! 

[Toots]

42 minutes ago, Ballaratburd said:

Alas the decision has been taken out of my hands. Unlike Australia the UK had rules regarding residency before you can apply for the police. Three years for police Scotland and Five years for MOD police. My husband couldn’t get a job back in Scotland even if we did decide to return. To be honest finding this out today has actually made me feel relieved. I wonder if so many of my feelings were because of the recent upheavals in life (new baby, new house, new town) as opposed to actually wanting to move back to Scotland. 

I hope everything here works out for you @Ballaratburd and you feel more settled now.  You have taken on a lot recently what with a new baby, new house and new town so no surprise you felt a bit of a pull to be back in Scotland near your family.

[chelseafan]

I’ve battled homesickness for years now, finally moving back to UK later this year. I’ve tried and tried to find goals and plans here but things always come back to uk for me. I’ve been here 20 years, definitely got worse when my daughter was born 10 years ago. Husband is English too and it was him who said we need to go now, I was trying for him as he loves Aussie life, but he’s seen we don’t have common goals here now.  Parents in UK getting older and we are making the move now before high school starts. It’s a relief now we told everyone and dealt with most of the Why? Questions.  Of course we will lose out financially but that’s life and we’ve had great experiences. New experiences waiting for us in UK now. It’s not going back so much as moving forward to where you can be who you want to be in life, that’s sometimes hard but necessary.

[chelseafan]

Don’t mean to sound negative, that’s just my experience. It’s great you have a circle of friends here. We have moved several times here for work and it has made having a support network very difficult. If I had been able to have more community links when my daughter was little I’m sure It would have eased some stress for me. 

[Quoll]

5 hours ago, Ballaratburd said:

Alas the decision has been taken out of my hands. Unlike Australia the UK had rules regarding residency before you can apply for the police. Three years for police Scotland and Five years for MOD police. My husband couldn’t get a job back in Scotland even if we did decide to return. To be honest finding this out today has actually made me feel relieved. I wonder if so many of my feelings were because of the recent upheavals in life (new baby, new house, new town) as opposed to actually wanting to move back to Scotland. 

Yup that residency rule has caught out a lot of folk wanting to join the police force in UK. I know of a few folk who were caught by that - one had been making time on something quite different, joining up soon and the other has changed careers entirely and doing very well.

Good to hear the Lake is looking well. About 10 years ago on NY Day, my husband walked the length of the rowing course - on the lake bed! 

[Ballaratburd]

6 hours ago, chelseafan said:

Don’t mean to sound negative, that’s just my experience. It’s great you have a circle of friends here. We have moved several times here for work and it has made having a support network very difficult. If I had been able to have more community links when my daughter was little I’m sure It would have eased some stress for me. 

I completely appreciate everyones opinion whether it is more geared towards staying in Australia or moving back to the UK. I do have a decent circle of friends here but i think moving to a new town and having a baby has just knocked me a little bit. Overall I love living in Australia but having been here for 5 years now I can appreciate Scotland more as well.

[Toots]

@Ballaratburd I'm Scottish but been in Australia for 38 years this year.  Can't believe it's that long.    Scotland will always hold a special place in my heart and I appreciate it every time I go back.

[Ballaratburd]

4 minutes ago, Toots said:

@Ballaratburd I'm Scottish but been in Australia for 38 years this year.  Can't believe it's that long.    Scotland will always hold a special place in my heart and I appreciate it every time I go back.

I don't think I truly appreciated the place until quite recently, but then moving to Australia has completely changed me as a person in more ways than i could ever have thought. To be honest I just miss people, I miss the sense of humour, I miss being able to make a joke and people get it instantly or speaking in my strong Glaswegian accent and not having to constantly repeat myself. I dont miss the weather, or the working conditions, or the constant need to holiday abroad.

[fjm]

10 hours ago, Ballaratburd said:

Alas the decision has been taken out of my hands. Unlike Australia the UK had rules regarding residency before you can apply for the police. Three years for police Scotland and Five years for MOD police. My husband couldn’t get a job back in Scotland even if we did decide to return. To be honest finding this out today has actually made me feel relieved. I wonder if so many of my feelings were because of the recent upheavals in life (new baby, new house, new town) as opposed to actually wanting to move back to Scotland. 

It’s funny how sometimes a curve ball makes you look differently at life....  Before I read this comment, I was about to say that it is most likely hormones etc, and that if you moved back you would most likely be a ping pong Pom further down the line.... I speak from experience

 

Good luck with everything!

[Ballaratburd]

It’s funny how sometimes a curve ball makes you look differently at life....  Before I read this comment, I was about to say that it is most likely hormones etc, and that if you moved back you would most likely be a ping pong Pom further down the line.... I speak from experience [emoji6]
 
Good luck with everything!

Thank you so much. Even as I was looking online at jobs and houses back in Scotland I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it was just hormones and my current feelings making me go a bit mad! The minute my husband got the email to tell him about the police residency rules it was like something snapped me back to reality. I think I just need to accept that whilst I will never have those deep connections with people like I do at home, I am fortunate to have a lot of good friends here and I just have to start speaking up that I am a bit lonely as a new mum and need more contact with people. I’ve also decided that I will return to work one day a week come July as I think that the interaction there will be really good for me.

[akiralx]

4 hours ago, Ballaratburd said:

 

Thank you so much. Even as I was looking online at jobs and houses back in Scotland I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it was just hormones and my current feelings making me go a bit mad! The minute my husband got the email to tell him about the police residency rules it was like something snapped me back to reality. I think I just need to accept that whilst I will never have those deep connections with people like I do at home, I am fortunate to have a lot of good friends here and I just have to start speaking up that I am a bit lonely as a new mum and need more contact with people. I’ve also decided that I will return to work one day a week come July as I think that the interaction there will be really good for me.

Yes, you sound like my wife and I, we've been in Victoria for 9 years, and have realised that we will never have a deep connection to this place, or make many friends here (she has one or two, I have none) we just have to concentrate on what is good about our lives here and enjoy it.  We were musing about returning a few months ago but that has passed - it will probably come back but as we have a nice house, well-paid jobs and basically enjoy our existence it would seem foolish to risk it at our time of life (around 50) - finding work at my age would not be easy.

[Marisawright]

50 minutes ago, akiralx said:

Yes, you sound like my wife and I, we've been in Victoria for 9 years, and have realised that we will never have a deep connection to this place, or make many friends here (she has one or two, I have none) we just have to concentrate on what is good about our lives here and enjoy it.  We were musing about returning a few months ago but that has passed - it will probably come back but as we have a nice house, well-paid jobs and basically enjoy our existence it would seem foolish to risk it at our time of life (around 50) - finding work at my age would not be easy.

I don't think she sounds like you at all!   Ballaratburd has been tempted by a move home - but when she discovered it was impossible, she didn't feel grief, she felt relief. So that tells me she is more settled in Australia than she thought.  And she does mention she has made some good friends.

Given how you feel about Australia, I suggest you look into paying extra National Insurance contributions to bump up your British pension, in case you decide to retire back to Blighty later on.  It's a win-win situation, because you'll get the benefit of a higher British pension even if you stay in Australia.  

It's important because there are difficulties with getting your Australian govt pension in the UK, so unless you have substantial superannuation, retiring back to to the UK could become unaffordable - unless you have a British pension you can claim instead.

Edited January 29, 2019 by Marisawright

[ScottishGem]

Some of these posts really hit at my heart!  So, I have been out here for over eleven years, living in Melbourne.  I am a citizen now, I bought a modest home and I am in a professional job.  I have struggled on and off with homesickness since I came.  I go home once a year for at least six weeks, which does help things.  But I dearly miss my family and friends back home and I just now feel that the time is right to be starting to think about moving home.  I just don't want to keep going through the cycle of homesickness, and in particular, getting on that plane at Glasgow airport to come back to Melbourne each year, is increasingly hard.  On the reverse, flying into good old Scotland at the start of my holidays, is the best feeling!  I'm home!  It is more straightforward for me, I am single and have no children.  Although I have a home to sell, I am not concerned about this, as I feel it will sell quickly and I'm hoping I can then buy a home outright in Scotland.  So my plan is that I will have my holidays at Christmas in Scotland and make my decision, which I feel won't really be a decision, as I already know the answer.  So, more of a proclamation!  I think my dilemma would be where to move to.  I come from a small country town, and I don't want to live there.   Going to a town or city where I don't know anyone would not phase me, as I'd have plenty of visiting family and friends.  I also feel, like many people have commented, it is easier to make new friends back home, than it is out here.  Could any fellow Scots recommend good places to live?  Is there anyone recently who has moved back to Scotland and  can help me with a few questions, such as removals etc.  

[Marisawright]

I wouldn’t even waste money on another holiday. There is nothing to keep you in Australia a part from a job. Your heart is in Scotland, so the sooner you get back the better. Any other course of action is just dithering. 

Book a one way flight and then start planning!

What are you looking for in a place? People say Edinburgh is expensive but prices seemed affordable compared to Melbourne 

[ScottishGem]

I hear what you are saying.  I just want to plan things a little more.  I've got a few things on in the next few months including my best friend coming over from Scotland. 

I'd rather get a job set up before I moved home although that's not essential.  I'm a nurse so I could always do nursing bank work while I look for a permanent job.  

I'm not too fussed about what I buy back home.  I want to be in a nice safe area.  I would prefer not to have an apartment as I really like to have an outside space.  I'm thinking more like living in a nice village or a town, rather than a city.