Going Home BUT without Husband

[Clemmie]

Hello everyone

My children and I have been in Australia nearly 7 years, the first few years were ok but then I started to not really like it terribly much, I have children back in the UK and since being here 3 grandchildren have been born and as the years passed I got more and more depressed, bitter and angry about why I’m here! We came to change our lives, be financially better off and have a good lifestyle, but in my eyes we were worse off, we lived in a lovely location in the UK right by the beach and we just swapped one lifestyle for another but minus family, youngest son is Autistic and having no friends or family for Support was very very tough. My husband has always said he’d never go back, that’s there nothing to go back for so this of course meant there was a lot of tension and trouble for our relationship.

 

so to cut a very long story short, I left my husband and me and my children are living in a rental whilst we wait to go home in february. I know it’s the right thing to do for me and I’ve spoken to my children at great length and they are all happy to go home, one of my children said to me that one of the reasons she wants to go home is because she feels she doesn’t belong here, that pretty much sums it up, we all miss the love and support of our family and being here, so isolated is killing us all.

 

so I’m just wondering really are there any of you that came over together with husbands/wife’s then returned home as a single parent?? 

Its hard, it’s heartbreaking and how I’m still sane is a miracle to be honest. I feel sad that the Australian dream didn’t work out, but I cannot wait to be somewhere where people care? Where if you dropped dead then people would care, if I dropped dead here no one would know. That feeling of being alone in a big big country is not a nice feeling!

 

so we are on countdown till February and to start another chapter in a book.

 

thanks all x

[Marisawright]

You are far from alone. It’s more common than you think. All the best for your future, it sounds like you are doing the right thing

[Quoll]

So sorry to hear that things have panned out that way for you but onwards and upwards hey? You most certainly are not the first to have it happen to you and it is such a shame that your husband has been so blind as to the needs of his family but at least - I assume - he isn't raising any objection to you leaving with the kids. So many of the "remainers" do play the spiteful hand and refuse to let the kids leave Australia.

I can certainly relate to the lack of belonging - I felt that way for years and I've been back in UK for over 7 years now albeit still temporary and its been absolutely brilliant to be where I can be me. So good luck with the move!!!

[ali]

Sorry to hear about your relationship break up. Do get your husbands permission for you to return with the children (if not already) to avoid any issues.  There have been people 'stuck' not being able to go back because their partner hasn't agreed for them to take the children.

 

[Bumblebee]

Yes, me!

I could have written your post.

Came out 10 and a bit years ago with British husband for a better life, opportunity etc, leaving as a single mum. Never would have imagined it'd end like this. I never felt settled, but boy did I try! Fast forward to now and the children and I are moving back home I'm January (consent orders in place). 

Would love to chat, pm me if you like

[Guest The Pom Queen]

I also know of a few members who forced their partners to return home and it didn’t work out so they ended up separating anyway.

Life is too short to be unhappy 

[LouDYorkie]

That’s a really tough decision to have come to and I really hope it works out for you all.
I too feel some of what your family are going through, as do many others, but I am on the other side of it.
My OH and I are both in Australia but 5 years after getting here I hear on a monthly basis (at least) something about being dragged here kicking and screaming, hating it and wanting to go ‘home’, despite have a great social life with amazing friends, a good job, feeling like he’s on a permanent holiday (his words) etc
I on the other hand really can’t see myself ever going back to the U.K., certainly not in the next few years, consider this my home and despite missing some friends and family, I’m happy to catch up with them on Skype and in person when we (or they) visit.
I appreciate everyone is different but you are definitely not alone in this.
I wish you the best of luck with your move.

[Marisawright]

24 minutes ago, LouDYorkie said:

I too feel some of what your family are going through, as do many others, but I am on the other side of it.
My OH and I are both in Australia but 5 years after getting here I hear on a monthly basis (at least) something about being dragged here kicking and screaming, hating it and wanting to go ‘home’, despite have a great social life with amazing friends, a good job, feeling like he’s on a permanent holiday (his words) etc

One thing I've learned is that there are two kinds of people - the nomads and the homebodies.  Homebodies have a VERY strong connection to their homeland.  It's something a nomad can't understand, because they don't feel that deep connection.  Nomads look at the two countries and think, this one is so much better, how can they possibly feel homesick?  But homebodies do, because it has NOTHING to do with how good or bad a place is, or how much money they make, or how many friends they have.  It's all about a sense of belonging and it's innate.

Homebodies should never, ever migrate and in fact, they never would, except that they marry a nomad who wants to.   In a foreign country, homebodies feel alien, homeless, empty, disconnected, insecure.

Unfortunately homebodies cannot change the way they feel. They can never adapt to their new country no matter how many advantages it offers, because it's not home.  The longer they are away, the worse they will get.  There are only two solutions. Either they go home, or they decide to grit their teeth and be miserable for the rest of their life, to keep their partner happy. 

It's the main reason why, whenever we see someone posting to say, "How can I convince my relucant partner to migrate to Australia?", we say, "Don't!"     If one partner has to be nagged into going, it's bound to end in disaster eventually.

So please don't dismiss how your partner feels. It may be illogical, but it's very real.

Edited November 5, 2018 by Marisawright

[LouDYorkie]

One thing I've learned is that there are two kinds of people - the nomads and the homebodies.  Homebodies have a VERY strong connection to their homeland.  It's something a nomad can't understand, because they don't feel that deep connection.  Nomads look at the two countries and think, this one is so much better, how can they possibly feel homesick?  But homebodies do, because it has NOTHING to do with how good or bad a place is, or how much money they make, or how many friends they have.  It's all about a sense of belonging and it's innate.
Homebodies should never, ever migrate and in fact, they never would, except that they marry a nomad who wants to.   In a foreign country, homebodies feel alien, homeless, empty, disconnected, insecure.
Unfortunately homebodies cannot change the way they feel. They can never adapt to their new country no matter how many advantages it offers, because it's not home.  The longer they are away, the worse they will get.  There are only two solutions. Either they go home, or they decide to grit their teeth and be miserable for the rest of their life, to keep their partner happy. 
It's the main reason why, whenever we see someone posting to say, "How can I convince my relucant partner to migrate to Australia?", we say, "Don't!"     If one partner has to be nagged into going, it's bound to end in disaster eventually.
So please don't dismiss how your partner feels. It may be illogical, but it's very real.

I read this post and it does resonate.
I may have sounded a little callous in my post but I know it’s very real what he is feeling.
We have had conversations about him going back (alone) and I’m not against it because at the end of the day, as PQ said-life is too short to be unhappy!
He maintains he wont go back alone though and I won’t consider going, so for the time being at least we are at Stalemate.

[Quoll]

4 hours ago, LouDYorkie said:

I read this post and it does resonate.
I may have sounded a little callous in my post but I know it’s very real what he is feeling.
We have had conversations about him going back (alone) and I’m not against it because at the end of the day, as PQ said-life is too short to be unhappy!
He maintains he wont go back alone though and I won’t consider going, so for the time being at least we are at Stalemate.

That’s what my husband said at one point. Fortunately for me he took one look at my aged parents and said “we can’t leave them alone here like this” and we never returned from the holiday we were on (just the odd holiday back in Australia). That was 7 years ago and he has really enjoyed himself in UK, good friends, variety of things to do, places to go, people to see etc. He has since apologised for his intransigent stance as he could see just how bad my depression had become, once I no longer felt depressed by being in the wrong place.  Situational depression is a very real beast and living with it drains your soul.

Both of us feel that people are more important than place and we will move back to Australia at some point once my dad dies (he’s 94, it’s only going to end one way) but for a while there I was resigned to the least worst option - the most important person in my life in a place I loathed. I guess you have to work out whether people or places take first prize in your life - you can’t cuddle a country when you get old! 

[Marisawright]

10 hours ago, LouDYorkie said:

I read this post and it does resonate.
I may have sounded a little callous in my post but I know it’s very real what he is feeling.
We have had conversations about him going back (alone) and I’m not against it because at the end of the day, as PQ said-life is too short to be unhappy!
He maintains he wont go back alone though and I won’t consider going, so for the time being at least we are at Stalemate.

So do you think that if you went back, you'd feel in the UK exactly like he feels now in Australia?  Or do you just feel you are financially and socially better off, so you prefer it in Oz?    If it's the first one, then it's an awful situation to be in.  If it's just the second one, then it does sound like you're being a bit callous - "I like it here, so you can just go on suffering a mental illness". 

[Parley]

Being happy or miserable is a choice we all make.

If we are determined to be miserable and not open ourselves to liking somewhere then of course it will be so.

[LouDYorkie]

So do you think that if you went back, you'd feel in the UK exactly like he feels now in Australia?  Or do you just feel you are financially and socially better off, so you prefer it in Oz?    If it's the first one, then it's an awful situation to be in.  If it's just the second one, then it does sound like you're being a bit callous - "I like it here, so you can just go on suffering a mental illness". 

In the U.K. I was miserable, particularly over winter. I booked endless holidays to get away and I think travelling and even working overseas was what made me realise I didn’t have to feel like that. It was well known amongst our friends that I would ‘hibernate’ between November and March as I just couldn’t bear to leave the house.
I worked away from home almost all week every week and so really looked forward to quality weekends-which we just didn’t get.
Even though it gets dark early here, even in summer (QLD), I find I don’t have that same feeling here, even when I am working away from home.

[Marisawright]

2 hours ago, LouDYorkie said:

In the U.K. I was miserable, particularly over winter. I booked endless holidays to get away and I think travelling and even working overseas was what made me realise I didn’t have to feel like that. It was well known amongst our friends that I would ‘hibernate’ between November and March as I just couldn’t bear to leave the house.
I worked away from home almost all week every week and so really looked forward to quality weekends-which we just didn’t get.
Even though it gets dark early here, even in summer (QLD), I find I don’t have that same feeling here, even when I am working away from home.

It sounds as though you might have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  That's an awful thing to suffer too, so it sounds like whichever country you choose, one of you will be miserable.  It's so frustrating because (despite what Parley says) you can't fight something that's innate in you.  

[LouDYorkie]

It sounds as though you might have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  That's an awful thing to suffer too, so it sounds like whichever country you choose, one of you will be miserable.  It's so frustrating because (despite what Parley says) you can't fight something that's innate in you.  

You might be right, I’ve heard of it and it did sound a reasonable (to me at least!) assessment at the time. It’s certainly something I’d have to address if I was ever to consider going back...even with work I sometimes need to go and it’s known that I’d rather go back between April and October. My crippling fear of walking on snow/ice doesn’t help much either [emoji1749]‍[emoji3601]

[Marisawright]

10 hours ago, LouDYorkie said:

You might be right, I’ve heard of it and it did sound a reasonable (to me at least!) assessment at the time. It’s certainly something I’d have to address if I was ever to consider going back...even with work I sometimes need to go and it’s known that I’d rather go back between April and October. My crippling fear of walking on snow/ice doesn’t help much either ‍

Well, I guess you could fix the snow problem by moving to the South of England rather than further north. 

[LouDYorkie]

Well, I guess you could fix the snow problem by moving to the South of England rather than further north. 

It’s actually something we briefly discussed before Australia was on the cards but no, not an option for OH. Even if we touch on the subject now (usually only when prompted by a friends question or something) he only has one city in the U.K. he’d move back to! To be honest, the total lack of flexibility and the “we will just slot back in to our old lives, we will land on Tuesday and I’ll be playing pool in the working men’s club by Wednesday” is what makes me more angry than sympathetic. It’s a huge deal for a couple of days a month, but never huge enough to flex in any way.

[Gbye grey sky]

10 hours ago, LouDYorkie said:

You might be right, I’ve heard of it and it did sound a reasonable (to me at least!) assessment at the time. It’s certainly something I’d have to address if I was ever to consider going back...even with work I sometimes need to go and it’s known that I’d rather go back between April and October. My crippling fear of walking on snow/ice doesn’t help much either ‍

Where I lived (Surrey) snow and ice was rarely a factor.  And if you live near the south coast ice and snow are very rare.  However I definitely suffered from SAD.  Hate that it actually has a name tbh but I used to feel so low in October once the clocks came back and it used to be a case of hanging tough for 5 months.

When I was young it mattered less as I immersed myself in work.  I remember rarely taking days off in winter, working weekends too if work was available. I would gladly have worked through Xmas and New Year if I could have but there was never work available for me then.

As I got older my energy and enthusiasm for working long hours waned and my depressed state became more obvious - and harder to hide.

Yes, it gets dark early in SE Qld all year round.  Dark by 5:30 in midwinter and by 7:30 in midsummer but it is the quality of the daylight in winter that counts.  The sun still rises high in the sky and is cloud-free most days......and it is warm.

[ali]

24 minutes ago, LouDYorkie said:

It’s actually something we briefly discussed before Australia was on the cards but no, not an option for OH. Even if we touch on the subject now (usually only when prompted by a friends question or something) he only has one city in the U.K. he’d move back to! To be honest, the total lack of flexibility and the “we will just slot back in to our old lives, we will land on Tuesday and I’ll be playing pool in the working men’s club by Wednesday” is what makes me more angry than sympathetic. It’s a huge deal for a couple of days a month, but never huge enough to flex in any way.

Can your OH go back for regular holidays to get his 'fix' of being back in the UK - might be the compromise?

[JetBlast]

I have wanted to live in Australia since my working holiday visa. It's been a long road. I avoided serious relationships because I didn't want to be in a position where I wanted to go and my partner didn't. Both need to be committed and because everyone is different the chances are both people in a relationship won't be.

[Marisawright]

40 minutes ago, ali said:

Can your OH go back for regular holidays to get his 'fix' of being back in the UK - might be the compromise?

For homebody types, that can sometimes make them feel worse

[LouDYorkie]

For homebody types, that can sometimes make them feel worse

Yes, it can! After OH returns from a trip, or after we’ve had visitors, or even after he sees a group of his friends going for a big night out via Facebook....that’s when he’s most miserable. As time has gone on, the nights out bother him less but the trips home and visits are a big problem.
I’m the complete opposite, it makes me happy to have seen people, or if I see friends having a night out via Facebook, I reminisce about a night out where I had a great time with those same people-we definitely have very different approaches to the same situations.

[Marisawright]

2 hours ago, LouDYorkie said:

Yes, it can! After OH returns from a trip, or after we’ve had visitors, or even after he sees a group of his friends going for a big night out via Facebook....that’s when he’s most miserable. As time has gone on, the nights out bother him less but the trips home and visits are a big problem.
I’m the complete opposite, it makes me happy to have seen people, or if I see friends having a night out via Facebook, I reminisce about a night out where I had a great time with those same people-we definitely have very different approaches to the same situations.

You can’t call it an approach, because that suggests you make a choice to react that way. Whereas for both of you, it’s the way you are made.