I want to move back to the UK, fiance doesn't

[LincolnH]

I understand your predicament completely.  Its not something you ever think about when you set off travelling/ on an adventure to Australia but the reality of being with someone from a different country ( especially the other side of the world!) raises its fair share of problems.  I am from UK (been in Melbourne 7 years) and my partner from Sydney,  we have our first child arriving 8th Dec and are planning on moving back to UK next May.  We literally have no family in Victoria and I work 6 day weeks leaving house at 5am and returning 6.30-7pm.  If I stay here working i am literally only going to see my kid on a Sunday for the first 2 years!  In the UK he will grow up to know all cousins plus have all my family near by and my Partners sister lives in UK and will be having kids soon.  Its very hard on my partners parents who live in Sydney but we are making the decision for our family.  

I feel that there will always be the question of whether to live there or not, and I understand that 'not belonging' feeling that so many people talk about.  I feel you should go ahead and make the move and follow your heart and if it doesn't work out you can always return, you just wouldn't want to get stuck here then regret not taking the chance for the rest of your life.  Your partner should go with you and understand your feelings, we haven't put a 'forever' look on it.  We are going to try it out, go on a few holidays in Europe and even if we move back in a few years will look back on it as a great life experience.  You only live once and your happiness is very important,  I wish you all the best with you decision and hope it works out the way you want it to!

[Antipodista]

Speaking as someone who got “stuck” in Australia and is still debating whether or not to be “stuck” there again, please follow your gut and get back to the UK. We can all debate pros and cons and workers rights and drizzly days vs sunny days and yadda yadda all we like but the fact is neither country is utopia and if the UK is where your soul is happy, where you will have a fulfilling career and where your family are, it’s not a choice. Just go.

Believe me, speaking from experience, it will never be mentally healthy to build your life around one person and “put up” with where you live. It will be kinder to both of you in the end to go back to the UK if that’s where you feel you need to be - will he want to be marrying and settling down with someone who is constantly pining for somewhere else?

You are 27 - a mere baby You will look back in 10 years and realize just how young you are now, absolutely not to old to start again. And hey, if it’s the wrong decision, you turn around and go back. And if he has another partner...it may hurt, but you’ll find a new one too eventually.

You may love him - but please, love you more and be brave - do what is right for you. 

[Amber Snowball]

8 minutes ago, Antipodista said:

Speaking as someone who got “stuck” in Australia and is still debating whether or not to be “stuck” there again, please follow your gut and get back to the UK. We can all debate pros and cons and workers rights and drizzly days vs sunny days and yadda yadda all we like but the fact is neither country is utopia and if the UK is where your soul is happy, where you will have a fulfilling career and where your family are, it’s not a choice. Just go.

Believe me, speaking from experience, it will never be mentally healthy to build your life around one person and “put up” with where you live. It will be kinder to both of you in the end to go back to the UK if that’s where you feel you need to be - will he want to be marrying and settling down with someone who is constantly pining for somewhere else?

You are 27 - a mere baby You will look back in 10 years and realize just how young you are now, absolutely not to old to start again. And hey, if it’s the wrong decision, you turn around and go back. And if he has another partner...it may hurt, but you’ll find a new one too eventually.

You may love him - but please, love you more and be brave - do what is right for you. 

Amen to that.

[BacktoDemocracy]

9 hours ago, Marisawright said:

I'm not in favour of Brexit, but this all sounds like propaganda to me.  Yes you are "dependent on a visa" but you were dependent on a visa when you emigrated to Australia too. Were you feeling insecure or quaking in your boots before you got your Australian citizenship? 

Yes, if you can't find a job in Spain, there is a financial requirement for the non-lucrative visa - the same as when you apply for a spouse visa for the UK.  But when I looked into it, you basically have to satisfy the requirement when you apply - it's not like they come and check on you every year to make sure you still have the money. You have to show an income but it's not a huge amount.

For questions like, will there be reciprocal tax arrangements or medical arrangements, it seems you are assuming the deal offered to Brits will be worse than the deal currently offered to the rest of the world for pensions.  When we looked into it, Australia was almost the only country in the world where I couldn't collect my British pension in full.

http://www.solicitorsinspain.com/articles/moving-spain-after-brexit

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-01-05/british-retirees-watch-frozen-pensions-disappear/8161786

There are 4 countries where not.

I would not trust the Tories over the pensions issue, there would be no loss of votes from doing it and lots would say in the uk, that they left the country , serve 'em right.

 

[Guest]

  

Lets try to keep this thread to help the OP If you want to carry on with the Brexit/pension chat, I can split that out to a new thread.

TIA

snifter

 

[Scousers1]

I would definately go home. I havent been in the situation of breaking up for one country or another but it could happen in ghe future who knows. I am desperate to go home after 30 years and have hated living in oz for the last 10. I would not wish this on anyone.

[NicF]

On 17/06/2018 at 21:54, Tulip1 said:

That would be great in an ideal world but for most life's not like that. It's not easy to move from one country to the other every few years or so. Visas, homes, jobs, kids get in the way. I agree to an extent what Parley says about people being more important but for some it's not enough. I think resentment can kick in and that could one day turn to hatred. The OP says he's got a great job, family, friends etc and she hasn't.  That may eat away at her, she has to do what her heart tells her to. Maybe the relationship isn't as good as it could be, after all both are prepared to separate rather than stay together at any cost. 

No where in my post did I say you have to move every few years or so.  In fact far from it, unless that’s what you want to do.  Spending significant amounts of time in both countries could mean just moving once or twice - no more than anyone else that moves to Australia.  I don’t understand why some on this forum think it’s perfectly fair for the UK half of a couple to want to move back to the UK permanently and their Australian OH to go with them and leave their home and family forever.  In the OP’s case what happens if they both move to the UK and she ends up with a great job, family, friends etc and he has nothing?  I agree though that the relationship probably isn’t that strong if they are both prepared to seperate than stay together at any cost, but that goes for the OP as well as her OH.

[Quoll]

54 minutes ago, NicF said:

No where in my post did I say you have to move every few years or so.  In fact far from it, unless that’s what you want to do.  Spending significant amounts of time in both countries could mean just moving once or twice - no more than anyone else that moves to Australia.  I don’t understand why some on this forum think it’s perfectly fair for the UK half of a couple to want to move back to the UK permanently and their Australian OH to go with them and leave their home and family forever.  In the OP’s case what happens if they both move to the UK and she ends up with a great job, family, friends etc and he has nothing?  I agree though that the relationship probably isn’t that strong if they are both prepared to seperate than stay together at any cost, but that goes for the OP as well as her OH.

I guess that works both ways but I don’t understand why it is the automatic assumption on most forums  that it’s the right thing to do for the Aussie to remain in Aus permanently and require the Brit to leave their home and family forever.  I really think that decision lies in whichever of the pair is more able to stand being away from “home” should be the one to move, recognising that times change, circumstances change and all of a sudden the one who copes best with displacement is the one who needs to be “home”. There are developmental times in life when one may need to take preference over the other - for young women, that’s probably when the kids come along because raising your kids in isolation from your extended family is a very tough gig.  Or it might be that the main breadwinner cannot crack a career.  In later life, it’s probably who has more responsibility for aged parents.  

In an ideal world, love and compromise should be enough but if there is no intimation of compromise it’s far better to cut and run before either get trapped. Neither country is nirvana, we are talking two first world countries here, each offering different wonderful opportunities. That one of the couple finds a place alien is not a decision they take lightly, I doubt anyone on here does it intentionally, and I’m sure there is probably no pragmatic reason for it, but it happens nevertheless, if you don’t belong, you just don’t belong and exogenous depression is a real bugger that is beyond your control. 

[Gbye grey sky]

39 minutes ago, Quoll said:

I guess that works both ways but I don’t understand why it is the automatic assumption on most forums  that it’s the right thing to do for the Aussie to remain in Aus permanently and require the Brit to leave their home and family forever.  I really think that decision lies in whichever of the pair is more able to stand being away from “home” should be the one to move, recognising that times change, circumstances change and all of a sudden the one who copes best with displacement is the one who needs to be “home”. There are developmental times in life when one may need to take preference over the other - for young women, that’s probably when the kids come along because raising your kids in isolation from your extended family is a very tough gig.  Or it might be that the main breadwinner cannot crack a career.  In later life, it’s probably who has more responsibility for aged parents.  

In an ideal world, love and compromise should be enough but if there is no intimation of compromise it’s far better to cut and run before either get trapped. Neither country is nirvana, we are talking two first world countries here, each offering different wonderful opportunities. That one of the couple finds a place alien is not a decision they take lightly, I doubt anyone on here does it intentionally, and I’m sure there is probably no pragmatic reason for it, but it happens nevertheless, if you don’t belong, you just don’t belong and exogenous depression is a real bugger that is beyond your control. 

I hate that assumption.  Some of us had zero input (or even much contact with) from immediate or extended family despite being in the same country.....and it really wasn’t a “very tough gig”.  It became a bit tougher when, as well as having a 4 year old, we also took on the full time care of my octogenarian MIL with terminal cancer for the last 18 months of her life but we still managed and had zero help from BIL and his wife despite the fact that their kids were all adults.

If people keep harping on about it being tough it becomes a self-fulfilling statement.

[ramot]

18 minutes ago, Gbye grey sky said:

I hate that assumption.  Some of us had zero input (or even much contact with) from immediate or extended family despite being in the same country.....and it really wasn’t a “very tough gig”.  It became a bit tougher when, as well as having a 4 year old, we also took on the full time care of my octogenarian MIL with terminal cancer for the last 18 months of her life but we still managed and had zero help from BIL and his wife despite the fact that their kids were all adults.

If people keep harping on about it being tough it becomes a self-fulfilling statement.

Mother of three here, never had a moments parental help bringing them up, had countless moves as husband was in the RAF and often away for weeks. for years he was Always away for 3 weeks over Easter and 6 weeks over the summer school holidays due to his job. Honestly don’t understand this overwhelming need to have family around because you can’t cope on your own. Yes back up would be nice, but thousands of us cope without it.

[Booma]

1 hour ago, Quoll said:

I guess that works both ways but I don’t understand why it is the automatic assumption on most forums  that it’s the right thing to do for the Aussie to remain in Aus permanently and require the Brit to leave their home and family forever.  I really think that decision lies in whichever of the pair is more able to stand being away from “home” should be the one to move, recognising that times change, circumstances change and all of a sudden the one who copes best with displacement is the one who needs to be “home”. There are developmental times in life when one may need to take preference over the other - for young women, that’s probably when the kids come along because raising your kids in isolation from your extended family is a very tough gig.  Or it might be that the main breadwinner cannot crack a career.  In later life, it’s probably who has more responsibility for aged parents.  

In an ideal world, love and compromise should be enough but if there is no intimation of compromise it’s far better to cut and run before either get trapped. Neither country is nirvana, we are talking two first world countries here, each offering different wonderful opportunities. That one of the couple finds a place alien is not a decision they take lightly, I doubt anyone on here does it intentionally, and I’m sure there is probably no pragmatic reason for it, but it happens nevertheless, if you don’t belong, you just don’t belong and exogenous depression is a real bugger that is beyond your control. 

 

Perhaps you found it a tough gig Quoll but I don’t think everyone does. I know I don’t. Actually none of my friends have close family near by either and they are all managing just fine as well. I think you are underestimating young women.

[Gbye grey sky]

4 minutes ago, Booma said:

 

Perhaps you found it a tough gig Quoll but I don’t think everyone does. I know I don’t. Actually none of my friends have close family near by either and they are all managing just fine as well. I think you are underestimating young women.

Actually it is a big bonus not having grandparents interfering (judging by the experience of many of our friends).  When as a couple you are the sole setters or parameters and you are not at constant risk of being undermined by well meaning relatives it is so much easier to establish boundaries.

[Booma]

10 minutes ago, Gbye grey sky said:

Actually it is a big bonus not having grandparents interfering (judging by the experience of many of our friends).  When as a couple you are the sole setters or parameters and you are not at constant risk of being undermined by well meaning relatives it is so much easier to establish boundaries.

I must admit I’ve stopped reading a lot of my UK friends Facebook posts as all they seem to do is moan about their parents, grandparents, siblings. I’m sure everyone isn’t like that but a lot seem to be

 

[ali]

1 hour ago, Booma said:

 

Perhaps you found it a tough gig Quoll but I don’t think everyone does. I know I don’t. Actually none of my friends have close family near by either and they are all managing just fine as well. I think you are underestimating young women.

Even in the UK when we lived nearer to husbands relatives we were pretty self sufficient and had no help from anyone, being near to extended family wasn't a bonus for us and made moving somewhat easier.

[Quoll]

 
Perhaps you found it a tough gig Quoll but I don’t think everyone does. I know I don’t. Actually none of my friends have close family near by either and they are all managing just fine as well. I think you are underestimating young women.

I coped really well because I am self sufficient and independent thanks but parenting IS a tough gig at the best of times (or you’re not doing it right!) and if you lack selfishness and self sufficiency then you will flounder and my observation of parents in my job and my acquaintances was that they all relied on other people far more than I ever did and that utilizing support from others is the norm rather than the exception.

I never cease to be amazed at the dependence both my daughters in law exhibit. I don’t think either have an independent backbone in their body! Fortunately for them, they both have parents who actually foster that dependence which is total anathema to me but there ya go!

If one is fragile in a situation then the self sufficiency and selfishness required might well be the straw on the proverbial camel.