Who else moved for love?

[writergirl74]

Hey... my first post so be gentle with me.

I met my partner on holiday about 18 months ago. He's English but lives in Sydney, has citizenship, been here ages etc. I lived in London. So I came to Sydney for a visit and it went well so moved here last June. We're in the process of applying for a partner visa but my heart's just not in it...

I miss London too much, friends, family, the usual. I freelance so still doing the same job as before, paying UK tax, and I've kept my flat in London with a lodger in the spare room - leaving my room for me when I visit. So I haven't fully committed to life in Oz and the door's open... Making friends is tough despite trying sports clubs, meetups etc. And to be honest I just like my friends at home, at 42 it's hard starting again with zero friends and no history with the people I do meet. I liked my old life, there was nothing wrong with it (apart from terminal singledom and bad dates).

And it's all so expensive here even though my boyfriend contributes more than I do. So all the usual moans about Australia. Obviously the weather, beach, outdoors life is great and I love all that stuff.

So, how long do you give it? I am going back to London for two months in June and I honestly can't wait. I think my boyfriend's open to the idea of moving to the UK (his family are all still there) but we haven't discussed it really (or my homesickness) and I feel I'd then be responsible for his happiness there. I can't help but thinking men are happy to have a mate to go to the match with but women need deeper friendships? I think in an ideal world I'd do 6 months in each place each year but has anyone made that work practically? And it wouldn't work with my boyfriend's job either. I am not sure what advice I am looking for, I think I just needed to put it down on paper somewhere. But any advice from people who moved to be with an already settled partner might help.

[Collie]

Hey writergirl,

What a dilemma.  I have pingponged back and forward between Dublin and Sydney a bit over the years.  Everybody is different but IME it takes 12-18 months to truly settle into a new city to live (backpacking doesn't count).  I was 33 when i moved back to Dublin in 2007 and 37 when I moved back to Sydney in 2011 and despite knowing people in both Dublin & Sydney, it took a full 18 months or so to truly settle back.  the older you are the harder it is.  The fact that you are freelancing to the UK means that you are't really meeting people through work locally etc.  Also you are an expat now so you need to force yourself to get out and meet new people and foster new friendships (as you are).  What are your interests?  Meeting people with shared interests (meetups, sports clubs etc) will help you settle.  

The only advice I can give is to be open and honest with your partner about how you are feeling.  He may surprise you and be willing (eager even) to move to the UK for a stint.  Not sure if this is on your agenda or not but now is not the time to have a child if location is going to be a contentious issue between you.

I think if you give it a proper go for 2 years and still feel the same way and he doesn't want to move, then it's decision time

Hope0 this helps

[writergirl74]

Cheers for the reply.

We don't want kids (and also too old) so that makes things a lot simpler than for many couples. We signed a two-year lease on a flat in Sydney, up next August so in my head I am committed until then albeit with another trip back to the UK before then (after my June trip).

The trouble with work is I love my job and don't want to change. It gives me the flexibility to do so many things (including moving to Oz, obviously). I'd find it hard to do a 9-5 job in any location now. I am still paying tax in the UK and think I probably need to find out what I should be doing - i.e. pay tax in Oz - but that will have knock on effects on National Insurance etc which I need to keep going in the UK to get the state pension. I'd need to change my mortgage to BTL to rent my flat out properly but that would be virtually impossible as a freelancing expat and to be honest, I don't want to. So, I guess I am just leaving my life in the UK ready for my return.

I've joined a tennis club and made a few friends there but no one close and mostly just playing tennis rather than moving on the friendships to doing other stuff at other times. It seems easier to bond with other Brits but most of them at tennis are much younger than me while the 40-somethings seem much more settled in friendship groups. My boyfriend's friends are mostly sport watching drinker types  - I am not (most women are not!?). I've done a few hiking Meetups and met some people that way but no one I've really gelled with.

My boyfriend must realise I'm homesick but we haven't really discussed it - only when I was ill and pissed off and wanted to go home. I'm ok now but it was a couple of trips to hospital and talk of an op that made my realise I only have one person in this country that cares about me and then when he fell short a bit and we argued, I felt really alone. God knows how I would cope if I was seriously ill.

I think my plan is to see how I feel when I am in the UK in June and then, mentally, give it another year here. I just can't see it as forever but when people (both here and UK) assume that, it freaks me out.

[Quoll]

Married an Aussie, ended up in Australia via PNG and UK.  Sometimes you go through life and have to be content with the least worst option (life in Aus with him was less worse than life in UK without him).  I gave Australia 32 yrs (8 months and 3 days) of my life and never really fitted although my pragmatic head kept battering it into me that "this is where you live".  Been home in UK now for coming up 6 years and have loved getting my life back.  I say, once the adventure palls then move on.  Nothing worse than being trapped in a place you don't fit.  Funny old thing, love!  However it always makes sense to get citizenship if you can and for you that is probably a bit longer than you would want to wait but I'm all about belt and braces!

[Toots]

As Quoll says love is a funny old thing.  Must be awful making a choice - UK or here with the man you love.  Hope it all works out for you.  I married an Australian and moved from the UK after we had been married 5 years (been here nearly 36 years now).  Thankfully it has all worked out but it also meant lots of holidays back to the UK over the years.  Will always love the UK but I also love living here.  Good luck to you - whatever you decide.

[simmo]

Some might say you need to give it more time. But the promlem with that is, like a weed the you will start to take root whether you want to or not.  You are no spring chicken so need to make a dicision. After London, anywhere will feel boring so why bother even thinking about staying.

[Guest]

I'm firmly in the camp of moving because of a relationship is usually not a great plan. You need to want to migrate also, to love or at least really like where you will be living and to be able to build from that foundation. If you don't have that connection or liking for a place, being the person that moved to the new country can be incredibly hard going and chances of settling well and being happy isn't great. 

Throw in homesickness on top, missing family and friends and its uphill even more. Having kept your flat on is probably a good thing at this point but also can be a stumbling block as you continue to have one foot firmly over there and not brought both feet over to plant here IYKWIM. It's continually going to draw you back and keep your eyes and mind there and also a big chunk of your heart and the things you miss.

Had you moved together to a new country you both felt passionately about, wanted to move to together that is one thing; to move to take your relationship to a committed couple status so you can live together is something else. 

My boyfriend (now husband) moved to the UK to be with me but we had been in a relationship for a few years by that point and had both spent extended periods of time in each other's countries. We also were both totally open to moving either direction and discussed it at length before making the decision of who would move. 8 years later we decided together to move back to Aus and we are coming up 4 years here now. But that first move, hubby certainly wasn't unhappy in the UK and didn't miss Aus or miss friends. In fact it was 5 years before he went back on holiday. But had he been unhappy or struggled we'd have worked to resolve it or make changes. 

Talk to your partner and tell him how you feel and see what he says. Give him the chance to be involved and aware of how you feel. 

[Evandale]

I fell in love with an Australian, but I had no deep desire to move to Australia whatsoever. Having travelled and lived across the globe Oz was not a country on my "wish list" but after 6/7 years here I enjoy a great life, we both have good jobs / lovely old European style home,  and still manage to travel overseas on a very frequent basis.  Luckily for me  my O/H does realise that Australia isnt the only/best country in the world in which to live /is very open minded and supportive and who knows where we will end our days but  for now I am more than content.

Edited April 17, 2017 by Evandale
typo error

[writergirl74]

Thanks for all your replies. Some interesting points....

To address a few:

16 hours ago, Quoll said:

Married an Aussie, ended up in Australia via PNG and UK.  Sometimes you go through life and have to be content with the least worst option (life in Aus with him was less worse than life in UK without him).  

Hopefully I wouldn't have to choose between my man and country. He vaguely talks about returning to the UK one day and has a big family there.

15 hours ago, simmo said:

After London, anywhere will feel boring so why bother even thinking about staying.

I'm not bored - I love the beaches and hiking  here and Sydney's a great city. Any boredom is from not really having anyone but my BF to do stuff with and not having anyone else I feel close to in any way.

 

14 hours ago, snifter said:

I'm firmly in the camp of moving because of a relationship is usually not a great plan. You need to want to migrate also, to love or at least really like where you will be living and to be able to build from that foundation. If you don't have that connection or liking for a place, being the person that moved to the new country can be incredibly hard going and chances of settling well and being happy isn't great. 

You might be right but I'd been to Oz 3/4 times before I met my BF and knew I liked the country. I really don't know how people move to places completely different to home or with a different language.

 

14 hours ago, snifter said:

My boyfriend (now husband) moved to the UK to be with me but we had been in a relationship for a few years by that point and had both spent extended periods of time in each other's countries

Sounds like a good plan but it would have been tricky to keep a relationship going with one of us in the UK and one in Australia. We wouldn't have seen each other much and one or both of us would have always been on holiday. I'm not sure a LDR would have meant getting to know each other any better by the time came to move IYSWIM. I don't regret moving at all but it's harder than I anticipated. In the UK I was single a lot and so had a lot of friends - here it's the opposite and I miss having friends and spending time with different people.

Everyone has said I need to talk to my partner and I think that's key so going to give it a go and see what he says. Thanks for all the advice.

[Collie]

Ok, so you love the location and love him and the relationship.  Your issue seems to be that you miss having a social circle to do stuff with (independent of your partner).  This is important and you need to have a life outside/independent of the relationship or else the pressure of being in each others pockets will become suffocating.

Keep doing what you're doing with meetup groups etc based on your interests and follow up with people you click with with initially.  If you are into hiking, camping and the outdoors life, look up a facebook group called Go Sydney Adventures.  Run by an American guy named Bryon and he is constantly organising lots of fun activities for a large social group - a lot of expats and I think the age profile will be good for you.  Activities can be orienteering to kayaking to hiking to weekends away (MOFO in Hobart etc) to Craft brewery pub crawls etc

[Guest The Pom Queen]

There is a member on here who had a very similar situation to you. A lovely girl but I don't want to mention her name as it's up to her if she wanted to discuss. She had a hard time with it, loved Australia (so different there) and eventually moved back on her own as her relationship didn't end up working out. 

I think you do need to sit and discuss things with him. Maybe offer to give it until the end of the year and if you feel no better get him to return with you. If he won't then he doesn't love you. However much I love Australia if my husband said he was going back I would go with him

[BritChickx]

1 hour ago, The Pom Queen said:

There is a member on here who had a very similar situation to you. A lovely girl but I don't want to mention her name as it's up to her if she wanted to discuss. She had a hard time with it, loved Australia (so different there) and eventually moved back on her own as her relationship didn't end up working out. 

I think you do need to sit and discuss things with him. Maybe offer to give it until the end of the year and if you feel no better get him to return with you. If he won't then he doesn't love you. However much I love Australia if my husband said he was going back I would go with him

I think you're talking about me?

My issue was my relationship and not Australia itself. If I had been happy with my ex I would have stayed and made an effort to create a support system but I couldnt - I was on a bridging visa waiting for a partner visa. There were other issues too. Im hoping to go back to Aus on my own merit some day. OP Im not in the same situation but if you want to chat feel free to PM.

[writergirl74]

14 hours ago, Collie said:

Ok, so you love the location and love him and the relationship.  Your issue seems to be that you miss having a social circle to do stuff with (independent of your partner).  This is important and you need to have a life outside/independent of the relationship or else the pressure of being in each others pockets will become suffocating.

Yes, this is exactly it.

I met up with some fellow writer types I connected with via FB last night which was nice so hopefully I'll see them again. It made me think it was definitely possible to make a social life here and that other newbies feel the same. And I'm off to the cinema with a tennis friend tonight.

Our relationship definitely isn't suffocating but I am kind of jealous that he can ring his best mate for a drink and I can't (my own best mate I mean, I could probably call his...). His whole life is here which makes it a bit unbalanced and different to couples who moved here together.

@BritChickx - sorry things didn't work out for you but it's always best to try these things rather than spend your whole life wondering what if... I'm also on a bridging visa, waiting for a partner visa. The whole visa thing is pretty stressful - I've just paid for a bridging visa B so I can go to the UK in June. Needing a visa to leave/return doesn't help with feeling a bit isolated here.

[Guest The Pom Queen]

9 hours ago, BritChickx said:

I think you're talking about me?

My issue was my relationship and not Australia itself. If I had been happy with my ex I would have stayed and made an effort to create a support system but I couldnt - I was on a bridging visa waiting for a partner visa. There were other issues too. Im hoping to go back to Aus on my own merit some day. OP Im not in the same situation but if you want to chat feel free to PM.

It wasn't you Hun but very similar

[BritChickx]

4 hours ago, The Pom Queen said:

It wasn't you Hun but very similar

Oh good haha hoping not ah well i said it anyway Lol! Good luck with what you decide to do OP

[gtaylor30]

I moved for love. Just over 2 1/2 years in now, we're married and our daughter turned one yesterday. I have never considered moving home. Apart from employers (have seen a lot of scepticism of immigants and me, despite be being here on a 189 from the start, also not being considered one of "those" immigrants as I'm English), I have been universally made to feel welcome and at home. I have earned respect and kudos, and have some good mates. The only thing I do miss is closer contact with old friends, but I knew this would be the case before I moved so it's not a problem.

[Sammy1]

I moved for love, I was young, naive and full of hope...Moved to the outback - silly me.

16 years later (no longer in the outback), I have been a single parent for many years without any support whatsoever and have been stuck in Australia. All my family members in the UK have since passed away.

I can't regret it because I have beautiful children. Perhaps once they have grown up I may move, who knows. Meanwhile, I have built a good career and built a house (very proud of that), but it has been incredibly lonely.

I wouldn't move for love again. I am older, more sensible and would expect an equal partnership. Meanwhile, my kids are my focus.

Edited April 20, 2017 by Sammy1

[llessur]

Yep, I moved for love - came over on a 309/100 partner visa after I met a girl back in the UK in 2009 who turned out to be an Aussie. We emigrated in 2012 and (finally) married last year.

The one thing I would add to the above advice is that it definitely takes time to settle in fully to a new country. The pull of family and friends back home will always be there but it does diminish over time as you gradually build up a support system here. It's obviously different with new friends as you do lack the 'history' that you would have with many people back home but, again, a history does build up again over time.

I would say it took me two years to feel settled. Other than the first couple of weeks after the emotional goodbyes, the first few months were great - it all felt like a bit of a holiday, but then the reality of what I had done set it. I would say months 6-18 were the worst in terms of home sickness and I genuinely considered moving back home on many occasions (with the other half obviously). It made it more difficult that I had no old friends to talk things through down the pub, and no family around to hassle with my worries.

But, after about two years (and I've heard the two year milestone mentioned many times before on this forum) I started to feel much more settled. I had built up enough of a social life to give me options as to what to do on a weekend (that grew further over time as well although is still nowhere near the lifelong network I had back in the UK) and I felt much more comfortable with work and Australian life in general. I think that before you migrate here it's so easy to think of Australian as UK: Southern Hemisphere Division and when you get here you realise it's actually very different in so many ways - some subtle, some not. It takes a long time to settle in to that but I've now come to really appreciate little things that I thought were crazy when I first came over.

In short - my advice would be that, providing you're happy in your relationship, see it through to the two year mark. Your friends and, seemingly, your flat will still be there if you decide to return (and two years is nothing in the grand scheme of things). I'd say that 10 months is too short a period to determine whether you will ever feel at home here and, in my experience, was smack bang in the middle of my most homesick period. If it had been easy for me to move home at the 10 month mark I almost certainly would have done. But I'm extremely glad I didn't now.

Besides, look at all the political and economic rubbish that's going on back in the UK. I'd be giving that a wide berth for a few more years if I had the option.

Edited April 20, 2017 by llessur