Elderly mother

[Petals]

I would not want to move to the other side of the world to be near my children, in fact I do not see a lot of them now and they live in Australia. They have their lives. I think your Mum would be happy in a hostel situation in the UK where she had peers and people her own age to talk to. My mum has just moved into a hostel at 97 and she can go out on her own if she wants to. I had been trying for a few years to get her to move to one as she was lonely here in Aus and she would have been lonely if she was in UK because of her age. All her sisters and brothers had passed on etc and friends too. The older we get the less friends and relatives of our own age are around. Lets face it younger ones boss us around we do not want that. My husband's cousin is an only child and his mum and dad lived in Scotland when his dad died he returned to the Scotland found his mum a hostel situation and returned to his life and she carried on hers. Everyone is different but we are independent as I am, fiercely so we do not want to be a burden and we want to be our own person to death if possible.

[starlight7]

My friend got her mum out here initially on a very long visitors visa- and she became too frail to travel back - don't know if that might be an option! She sold her house in Wales and eventually the family reunion visa kicked in. My friend also has a brother living in the uk so it wasn't a sole surviving thing really. Takes a bit of a fiddle but can be done!

[ScottieGirl]

I am in your situation Tearose and I am moving back. Mum is 84 and whilst 'good for her age' starting to have various health issues and I am her only relative. I realise you may not have that option, if you have kids then it's a joint decision with your spouse, there are a number of threads from POMS with Aussie husbands who want to return but can't. In which case my advice is

i) ask your mum what she wants to do. My mum considers a 30 minute train ride into the city near where she lives a major expedition so moving to Sydney is a complete no for her.

ii) Talk to someone who has been caring for her: her doctor, social worker ( there should be one if she is admitted to hospital and lives on her own). You will probably need her consent to do this but if she doesn't consent to talk about it then she is unlikely to be willing to make the move.

iv) Check with a migration agent what your options are. It depends on a number of factors, her health, how much money she has, how many relatives she has , where they are and you need expert advice.

iv) Plan financially for regular visits to the UK whilst she is living there.

 

Good luck

[silencio]

Has your mum ever visited Australia? Did she like it?

 

Deteriorating health as a reason alone is certainly not a good reason to consider a move to the other side of the world. Not to mention that she may has never been here before? Hard enough to get a parent visa anyway and might be too stressful for an elderly person with severe health issues.

 

There are certainly nice retirement facilities in the area of the UK where your mum lives and she could enjoy her twilight years in a familiar place in case she would prefer that. In well looked after retirement villages changes are not too bad that her deteriorating health may come to a halt - regular and good nutrition, exercise classes, social interaction with other like minded residents, just to mention the advantages...

Edited February 14, 2017 by silencio

[tearose]

She is 82 for heavens sake ....why nearing the end of her life would she want to travel 12,000 miles to the other side of the world ...come on get real .

How do I know ? ...because that's why iam here in the u.k ...its called TAKING RESPONSIBILITY .

Whether that be for your children ...or for your ageing parents .

Iam sorry to get on your case ,but it seems bloody selfish to me .

You don't want to disturb your life in oz or n.z ....so to solve the issue ,you are proposing to ship your mom out to you .

Sorry if I sound harsh ,but i have siblings just like you .

One even proposed flying mom out to oz after all these years to visit their family ...mom is 88 ,and would be travelling on her own ....I had never heard anything so stupid in my life ....i was bloody furious.

 

Is it what your mom wants ? ...i could go on ,but I will leave it at that .

No offence to you personally ....but think about what you are proposing

 

 

I do think this is a bit harsh to be honest.....i thought this the best place to come for friendly advice.

 

You know nothing about me or my family or my responsibilities so please do not judge me.

[tearose]

Thank you for replying without judging or criticizing me, that is NOT what I expected on here!! Shame !!

I have not posted "much" on here without going into the whole "story" and wondered if that was a good idea, but reading "other" posts I'm now glad that I didn't.

[tearose]

I would not want to move to the other side of the world to be near my children, in fact I do not see a lot of them now and they live in Australia. They have their lives. I think your Mum would be happy in a hostel situation in the UK where she had peers and people her own age to talk to. My mum has just moved into a hostel at 97 and she can go out on her own if she wants to. I had been trying for a few years to get her to move to one as she was lonely here in Aus and she would have been lonely if she was in UK because of her age. All her sisters and brothers had passed on etc and friends too. The older we get the less friends and relatives of our own age are around. Lets face it younger ones boss us around we do not want that. My husband's cousin is an only child and his mum and dad lived in Scotland when his dad died he returned to the Scotland found his mum a hostel situation and returned to his life and she carried on hers. Everyone is different but we are independent as I am, fiercely so we do not want to be a burden and we want to be our own person to death if possible.

 

Thanks

[tearose]

I am in your situation Tearose and I am moving back. Mum is 84 and whilst 'good for her age' starting to have various health issues and I am her only relative. I realise you may not have that option, if you have kids then it's a joint decision with your spouse, there are a number of threads from POMS with Aussie husbands who want to return but can't. In which case my advice is

i) ask your mum what she wants to do. My mum considers a 30 minute train ride into the city near where she lives a major expedition so moving to Sydney is a complete no for her.

ii) Talk to someone who has been caring for her: her doctor, social worker ( there should be one if she is admitted to hospital and lives on her own). You will probably need her consent to do this but if she doesn't consent to talk about it then she is unlikely to be willing to make the move.

iv) Check with a migration agent what your options are. It depends on a number of factors, her health, how much money she has, how many relatives she has , where they are and you need expert advice.

iv) Plan financially for regular visits to the UK whilst she is living there.

 

Good luck

 

thank you

[bunbury61]

I really think we need to walk a mile in someone's shoes before we criticise. You have no idea of the personal circumstances of the original poster, who may have commitments in Australia she cannot just dump to go running back to England to care for mum.

 

Tearose, My mum moved to a sheltered flat when she began to get too frail to stay in her house - it was expensive, the annual fees were £6000 but they had a 24/7 manager to help, a cleaner once a week, a free laundrette and a subsidised lunch in the dining room each day. There are other cheaper schemes but the main attraction of them all is that you have your own flat and are living independently but with help at hand. I'd really talk to your mum about this, maybe take her to look at one if she'll go?

 

The problem with being on the other side of the world is that you can't see the subtle changes that may indicate the start of dementia or other conditions and could suddenly find yourself back in England trying to find a care home as a matter of urgency. You need to get your mum settled for your own health as well as your mums. If she insists on staying in her own house there are private care firms who will provide care on an ad hoc basis but they are expensive - min.£15 per hour.

 

If your mum is willing to come to Australia, you've a lot of hurdles to jump, and need the help of a decent agent asap. I'd make sure she wants to come before going down that route though, or you could be spending a lot of money to make you both miserable.

 

Whatever you decide, good luck. Its a rough road to travel and you have my sympathy.

 

Its a massive worry - and everyone's situation is different. I think there should be a sticky thread on here to discuss parent worries, because it can be a nightmare trying to work out what to do for the best, and its a situation many migrants will have to face sooner or later.

 

Sorry fisher ,don't buy that either .

[Booma]

if your mum wanted to come to oz she probably would of said something by now. even if she did change her mind & want to come now i imagine it would be difficult to arrange although a agent would be the best one to ask.

 

i dont think you should feel any obligation to uproot your family from oz to go back. some people do it but not everyone does & its different for different people. my parents would be horrified if i uprooted my family & give up my life to look after them. they always say its a parents job to look after children & not childrens job to look after parents.

 

everyone always says elderly support is brilliant in the uk so i would look into that for your mum.

 

dont take any notice of people who judge you. they dont know you or whats best for your family.

[tearose]

Sorry fisher ,don't buy that either .

 

??

[Fisher1]

Sorry fisher ,don't buy that either .

 

I'm not really sure what you mean, because I didn't suggest anything in particular, just a few possibilities. Mainly I was trying to offer a bit of moral support because I had a taste of judgemental responses like yours myself a few weeks ago and it was particularly hard because I was already at my wits end worrying about my mum.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Fisher1

[Fisher1]

if your mum wanted to come to oz she probably would of said something by now. even if she did change her mind & want to come now i imagine it would be difficult to arrange although a agent would be the best one to ask.

 

i dont think you should feel any obligation to uproot your family from oz to go back. some people do it but not everyone does & its different for different people. my parents would be horrified if i uprooted my family & give up my life to look after them. they always say its a parents job to look after children & not childrens job to look after parents.

 

everyone always says elderly support is brilliant in the uk so i would look into that for your mum.

 

dont take any notice of people who judge you. they dont know you or whats best for your family.

 

 

 

Well said. I had a really nasty response from someone on a different thread recently when I posted something about my mum. I was at such a low ebb at the time and couldn't believe how much it upset me. Thankfully I also had responses similar to yours.

[tearose]

My query was with the person that posted that not very welcome post.

Yes I am a bit fragile at the moment, and could do without such comments from Bunbury, just a pity people cannot be less critical.

Thanks anyway Fisher. Hope you are ok now

[Bridgeman]

You might want to start by looking at the parent visas:

 

https://www.border.gov.au/Trav/Brin/Pare

 

Your mother might be eligible to apply for the onshore 804 but you may need to speak to a migration agent as to an appropriate strategy. Plus there are downsides such as having to pass a medical before visa grant which may take several years.

 

You might be interests to know that there is a new temporary 5 year parent visa being introduced in July

 

http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2016/09/23/temporary-visa-parents-immigrants-announced

 

This would at least give your mother the opportunity to see whether she wanted to stay in Australia. Hope this helps.

[Fisher1]

My query was with the person that posted that not very welcome post.

Yes I am a bit fragile at the moment, and could do without such comments from Bunbury, just a pity people cannot be less critical.

Thanks anyway Fisher. Hope you are ok now

 

i realised that eventually :wink: really though, some people on here can be horrible, but I think they are in the minority. I am now, if not okay, then getting there - mum died recently. It was for the best for her, because she had Alzheimer's and had no quality of life left. Still hurts though - which is why I felt so defensive on your behalf, if that doesn't sound strange.

 

If if you were to ask me what I have learned from a seven year saga which involved me moving home from Brussels instead of moving to Australia I would say that no solution is perfect. There is no right answer to looking after our parents. Everyone has to work out what is practical and do-able for them, then factor in what sits well with their conscience, and then factor in what will cause least resentment on either side - it's possible for the looked after person to resent their help and the carer to feel like a martyr. Mum and I have done both! But our relationship survived with good humour and love on both sides.

 

Good luck.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Fisher1

[JacquiL]

Hi Tearose

Just put a question on about aged parent visa, first time I have posted and just noticed this thread. Wow a bit shocked at the response you got!! I think I will steer clear but if this helps I have some although limited knowledge that might help. Maybe your mother could come out on an aged parent visa as she has at least half of her children here. The options appear to be the non contributory parental visa (804)or the contributory parental visa (864). The departments website is fairly informative. My in laws came out on the non contributory visa , they think its the best decision they made and are very happy here, they have been here for 2 years. My Mum is now looking at her options as she has 2 of her 3 children here, she is 76. She has recently sold her home so will come out soon and then make the decision. I think its a great opportunity for them with better climate and family support but of course their decision at the end of the day.

[starlight7]

I was surprised at some of the horrid little judgements,too. People can be strange, can't they? You know your Mum and you know what is best for her, not any of us. If she comes here the journey doesn't have to be straight through- it can be gradual with stop offs en route, depending on her state of health. I would check how long you can get a visitor's visa for and take it from there. Maybe go and see a migration person or your local MP and ask what prospects are. Things have a way of working out.

[bunbury61]

My query was with the person that posted that not very welcome post.

Yes I am a bit fragile at the moment, and could do without such comments from Bunbury, just a pity people cannot be less critical.

Thanks anyway Fisher. Hope you are ok now

 

Excuse me ,let me set the record straight ...i have spent 22 years doing the right thing by my parents ...dad has now passed away in 1998 ,leaving mom on her own in the u.k .

It would have been NO CHILDREN and NO GRAND CHILDREN around her .

Now that doesn't sit right with me ,that's why iam here in the u.k

This is not a post where iam trying to look for an option that suits me and my family .

I actually got in there and did it .

I stand by what I said in my original post .

To me life is a box ticking excercise ,and to tick all the boxes you sometimes have to be selfless not selfish .

 

I just find the thought of someone flying their mother out to a foreign country in the autumn of their lives , bizarre ..

In my work ,I have seen selfishness aplenty ,usually involving elderly parents and their children .

 

There is often a perception that responsibility is being taken ,but the minimum requirement ..please.

 

People often look for an option that suits them ,not the person involved.

 

Sadly ,I see It all the time

[Fisher1]

Excuse me ,let me set the record straight ...i have spent 22 years doing the right thing by my parents ...dad has now passed away in 1998 ,leaving mom on her own in the u.k .

It would have been NO CHILDREN and NO GRAND CHILDREN around her .

Now that doesn't sit right with me ,that's why iam here in the u.k

This is not a post where iam trying to look for an option that suits me and my family .

I actually got in there and did it .

I stand by what I said in my original post .

To me life is a box ticking excercise ,and to tick all the boxes you sometimes have to be selfless not selfish .

 

I just find the thought of someone flying their mother out to a foreign country in the autumn of their lives , bizarre ..

In my work ,I have seen selfishness aplenty ,usually involving elderly parents and their children .

 

There is often a perception that responsibility is being taken ,but the minimum requirement ..please.

 

People often look for an option that suits them ,not the person involved.

 

Sadly ,I see It all the time

 

 

it must be nice to know that you've done the right thing by your parents and are going through life ticking all the right boxes. One of the life boxes I like to tick is the one about being kind to other people and not rushing to judge when you only know half the story. I did the 'right' thing by my parents too, but I was in a position to retire and move homes - not that easy for many people.

What would you do for example, if you had a disabled child in one country who was settled and happy and very difficult to move, and an elderly parent in another? Or suppose your partner was suffering from an degenerative illness with a local care plan it had taken months years to sort out? Or a partner with early onset Alzheimer's? We have no idea what other people are struggling with, so it would seem to me that a request for advice should be met with ... Advice. And if we are unable to offer advice we should keep quiet.

[bruce 7]

it must be nice to know that you've done the right thing by your parents and are going through life ticking all the right boxes. One of the life boxes I like to tick is the one about being kind to other people and not rushing to judge when you only know half the story. I did the 'right' thing by my parents too, but I was in a position to retire and move homes - not that easy for many people.

What would you do for example, if you had a disabled child in one country who was settled and happy and very difficult to move, and an elderly parent in another? Or suppose your partner was suffering from an degenerative illness with a local care plan it had taken months years to sort out? Or a partner with early onset Alzheimer's? We have no idea what other people are struggling with, so it would seem to me that a request for advice should be met with ... Advice. And if we are unable to offer advice we should keep quiet.

 

I don't normally comment on these things but this thread has really struck a chord with me. Fisher1 you are so correct that no-one has any idea why people don't/can't move back and we have no right to question. I am in a very similar situation with my elderly mother in the UK and I can tell you it is hell on earth! I can't move back due to circumstances and I can reassure you that none of those circumstances are that I just don't want to move back. My husband and I have discussed this until we are blue in the face looking for a solution - it is a lose-lose situation. I am not sitting in Australia living it up without a care in the world it has greatly affected me mentally - it is really upsetting when people think that you are selfish if you don't go back but have no idea or interest in understanding why you haven't gone back - I have to live with my decision everyday.

 

Elena

Edited February 15, 2017 by bruce 7

[Nemesis]

Personally I don't view any of the replies as 'judging" anyone. Its a discussion forum, people are putting forward their points of view, and in some cases speculating on what they would do if they were in the OPs shoes. That doesn't mean they are judging/praising/condemning the OP. t just means they would do things differently.

And often one thing that comes out of discussions like this is the fact that it makes us all think. Quite often a new viewpoint will come up that we hadn't considered. Often a poster has not even thought about a particular option until its mentioned by a third party.Opening up a frank discussion really makes people examine the whats and whys of their actions, and if they still consider their original track is the right one, fair enough, but at least they will then have reviewed other options in reaching their final conclusion.

 

Let's stop the bickering, just accept that some people do things differently to others, and let everyone put forward their point of view. In situations like this there is no right or wrong after all, there are just different options.

[Que Sera Sera]

You might want to start by looking at the parent visas:

 

https://www.border.gov.au/Trav/Brin/Pare

 

Your mother might be eligible to apply for the onshore 804 but you may need to speak to a migration agent as to an appropriate strategy. Plus there are downsides such as having to pass a medical before visa grant which may take several years.

 

You might be interests to know that there is a new temporary 5 year parent visa being introduced in July

 

http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2016/09/23/temporary-visa-parents-immigrants-announced

 

This would at least give your mother the opportunity to see whether she wanted to stay in Australia. Hope this helps.

 

Not sure of the "ins" and "outs" of the 5 year visa but I'd be worried about the cost of healthcare.

[Fisher1]

Not sure of the "ins" and "outs" of the 5 year visa but I'd be worried about the cost of healthcare.

 

 

Yes - we originally had our names on the 103 list and thought about coming over for a year at a time but were put off by the cost of health care. Its very difficult to know what to do for the best, but I do know people sometimes move over very late in life. My GP told me about being asked, years ago, by Australian Immi if he thought a patient of his would be likely to fall ill / die in the near future ... the lady in question was ninety two :wink: Its to be hoped they are a bit more tactful these days!

[Collie]

You might want to start by looking at the parent visas:

 

https://www.border.gov.au/Trav/Brin/Pare

 

Your mother might be eligible to apply for the onshore 804 but you may need to speak to a migration agent as to an appropriate strategy. Plus there are downsides such as having to pass a medical before visa grant which may take several years.

 

You might be interests to know that there is a new temporary 5 year parent visa being introduced in July

 

http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2016/09/23/temporary-visa-parents-immigrants-announced

 

This would at least give your mother the opportunity to see whether she wanted to stay in Australia. Hope this helps.

 

Good post, constructive and helpful to the OP. The OP didn't ask to be judged.

 

To the OP, I know of 2 friends who have had parents move over in recent years. Both had 50%+ of their children here and were happy to make the move. One was in her early 70s and the other in her mid 80s (moved this time last year). The lady in her 80s used to come for 3 months in recent years as 3 of her children lived her and all her grandchildren. Since she moved, the 4th child has moved over too so they are all here now and have no regrets at all. She got lucky, sold her house and moved her money before Brexit and the fall in GBP.

 

Not sure what visas they are on,I think there is 1 with a 30year waitlist but you go on a bridging visa inbetween,by the time they get to people they have generally died. Ask your Mum what she woud like to do, perhaps she could come for 3 months to try it out first.Then go see a migration agent.

 

Ignore the haters