Long Distant Relationship ??

[starlight7]

I haven't read all this thread but as soon as I read the bit where you described your reaction to the UK I totally, totally empathised because about 2-3 weeks is all I can cope with over there. The minute I get on the plane to come home a great relief washes over me. Very few can understand this( I don't really get it myself!). We recently went on an extended trip to Europe and Scandinavia without bothering to call in to the UK and so many people could just not understand us at all. You know where you are happy and that is enough. If your husband feels he has to go then I think he has to go- but maybe it is just a whim and a desire to do something different and 'outrageous'. Maybe a little part of him wants to check out his old life to see if he would still be able to pick it up? Nowt so queer as folks as my old mum used to say.

[newjez]

I don't agree.

 

I am a member of over ten forums. Combination of here and overseas.

 

And I have never experienced such personal attacks on my character. Ever.

 

And from long standing members too. That is the sort of crap I would expect from a troll.

 

People calling me a selfish miserable drama queen, with ridiculous views, who needs to get a grip.

 

And all this it seems just because I dislike the UK and don't want to return with my husband.

 

I did however get a PM, that warned me that people on here could be argumentative, especially the UK fans.

 

What a scary welcome to the forum that was.

 

Just thank Christ you didn't diss Stratford upon Avon. If you had the thunder of the heavens would have rained down on you in vengeance!

[Marisawright]

Reading between the lines, is it really the UK you can't stand, or the family?

 

I'm wondering if you could compromise by agreeing to go over for a year and live somewhere a good few hours away from your family, in a nice area which you can enjoy (there are some nice areas, really!), while he goes and spends as much time with his folks as he likes (and you don't have to suffer them!).

 

I'd also insist on keeping your Australian home, don't rent it out just get someone to keep an eye on it - that way if he starts putting pressure on to stay after the year is up, it'll be easy for you to head home on your own and get settled.

Edited August 13, 2016 by Marisawright

[bristolman]

The problem is when you make statements like everyone is miserable, the food is awful and the country is dull then those of us that know those statements to be wrong will say so. I would and indeed have done the same when people have said the same about Australia, it's ridiculous and clearly untrue. My wife would be happy if she never set foot in Australia again which is a shame really but it is her view, she doesn't however just rip into every aspect of Australia regardless of whether it is accurate or not, she doesn't doesn't want to go back.

You seem to be trying to talk yourself into this by convincing yourself that it's a horrible place to live, which of course it isnt.

[Chortlepuss]

We're back in the UK for a year - hubby prefers QLD but needed to come with me to sort house out etc. He came to support me even though he itches to be back in Brissie - and he is enjoying himself! Our grown up kids are there so we will be returning but I will be staying a little longer here. Last time I came to the UK, I was separate from hubby from 5 months. For me I love being close to friends and family and the culture and countryside here - for him he prefers the climate and has a nice job to return to. I think politics and austerity stink in the UK, but it is still a beautiful place with so much to offer. I won't fit in everywhere I want to get to in Europe, despite having travelled extensively in my youth. A year is no time at all - it flies by and there is so much to do and see. You could distance yourself physically from overbearing relatives and take advantage of myriad opportunities here....study, travel, culture...

[Ruth7862]

I've never tried a long distance relationship so can't comment on that but have been together with my husband for 30 years and whenever one of us has wanted a big change that affects us both like moving house we have only made the change if we both wanted it. The one who isn't initiating the change has the right of veto. I don't agree with some of the views Booboo bear has put toward but I do understand where she is coming from and I do feel she has been backed into a corner by some of the critical posts on here. I would probably compromise if it was me and cross my fingers that it is only a year. Equally my husband would exercise his veto if I suggested moving and he wasn't keen but then he thinks being selfish is a positive trait haha. It's a difficult thing when you want such different things.

[Rallyman]

She is making out that the uk is a complete and utter basket case and a third world country ,which is very far from the truth , I can understand not wanting to live in a particular country but the reason put forward are to justifi to the op not wanting to go and seeking reassurance from here for making the right decision.

Its one of the finest countries in the world, from experience long distant relationships rarely work .

Not sure how I would handle the situation if it was me , but the words when we got married : In sickness and health, for better or worse ,rich or poor .

I wish the OP the best of luck and hope things work out with what ever they decide to do .

[Guest241083]

........but isn't that a natural reaction when we don't want something ,somewhere...?

.........the bad in it grows out of proportion....

..........our reactions to justify our decision fail to see beyond our distrust and dislike

...........it's why often we need someone outside our selves and close ones....

.............to bring a balance an objective view....

...............often why councillors are a must......

.................good luck OP ....

[robfromdublin]

To answer your questions: yes I have been in a long-distance relationship, but not in your particular circumstances. In my experience, like any relationship, long-distance ones are based on trust, good communication and empathy. You need to ensure regular contact and not let 'life' get in the way of that. You need regular discussions on how the other person is doing and on the relationship generally, more so than in local relationships. You need to be able to resolve conflict in a mature manner so that nobody is stewing on the other side of the world.

 

I have chosen the following words quite carefully. Your posts (not necessarily you) make you seem (you may not be) like a drama queen who flies off the handle easily, is unwilling to compromise, and lacks empathy. Again, this probably isn't reflective of reality but it is what comes across in your posts and this has coloured the reaction you've got. Coming onto a website called 'pomsInOz' and describing the UK in the way you did was always going to be confronting to be people, even if you didn't consider this or intend for this to happen. As another poster said, people aren't robots; they will react to how you communicate.

 

I think you would have received a much better response if you had simply said that you really don't want to go back and part of the compromise may be that he goes home for a year on his own. Describing yourself as 'frothing at the mouth' after a 6 week holiday is hyperbole, and was not the best way to communicate if you wanted sensible answers. Nor was describing the whole of the UK as you did, when really you just meant your town and your family.

 

All the best with whatever you decide.

[101redroses]

For economic reasons my husband & I lived apart for approximately 18 months. We were no longer "love's young dream" after nearly 20 years. The distance nearly broke our marriage although I admit we had other challenges like personal illness & a family bereavement.

We are back on track now with the usual bumps along the way. I wouldn't recommend a long distance relationship but if you feel so strongly about living in the UK it sounds like he should have a solo adventure.

What will be will be ...

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[starlight7]

The censorship on here is not good- if people don't like a place then they should be allowed to say so without being witchhunted. Whilst some comments might seem extreme, if that is how a place is perceived by that particular writer then that is their reality. Of course most may disagree, especially on this forum, but that doesn't give them any right to carry on like pork chops.

[northernbird]

The censorship on here is not good- if people don't like a place then they should be allowed to say so without being witchhunted. Whilst some comments might seem extreme, if that is how a place is perceived by that particular writer then that is their reality. Of course most may disagree, especially on this forum, but that doesn't give them any right to carry on like pork chops.

 

Indeed, our opinion is always going to be based on our own reality. The reality of those who live in rural middle class England is going to be very different to those that live in working class suburbia.

[wattsy1982]

I wonder if this is the beginning of the end.

 

I would say that if you wouldnt even consider it for the sake of your husband of 30 years then yes, it may be "the beginning of the end"

[wattsy1982]

If he goes for one year and decides to stay permanently.

 

That will break up our marriage.

 

There's 2 ways to look at this, If you dont support him for the year that could break up your marriage too

 

I think he must be having some sort of mid-life crisis.

 

Haha, can you actually hear yourself over your own self importance?!? Why is your husbands want/desire to do something different/have a change a "mid-life crisis"???

[wadsy]

REMINDER

 

My original questions were:

 

1) Is anyone in, or has been in, a long distance relationship?

 

2) Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar long distant relationship situation? And made it work?

 

Had a couple of good answers here and an excellent one by PM. Thank you for them.

 

But seems most people feel the need to tell me:

 

My views about the UK are wrong or ridiculous

I am being selfish

I am being petulant

I am being a drama queen

I am being miserable

I am dismissive

I am unwilling to compromise

I need to get a grip

I am inconsiderate

I would be better to chuck my relationship away

My marriage is not as strong as I think it is

 

WTF!

 

I didn’t ask you what you thought of me.

 

I simply asked if anyone had been in a long distance relationship.

 

I'm in one & I plan to move back to England from Australia within a year. I've been in this relationship with a lovely woman for nearly 3 years.

 

It's something I want to do! I've been in OZ for almost 30 years!

 

You obviously don't want to move back with your husband. You will do what you think is best for you!

[caramac]

My husband and I had a long distance relationship for almost two years when I returned with our daughters at the end of 2009.

It was tough financially, but it was something we agreed was best for our children at that time. It wasn't supposed to be so long, but it took that long for my husband to find the right job back in this country. There were jobs he could have taken, but they would have made him miserable, so I didn't put any pressure on him.

 

We only saw each other three times in that two years, but we were both working towards the same goal which is why it worked for us. There was no ill feeling between us - we just got on with it and made the best of it.

 

There is a very real chance that we're about to do it again and I'm not at all fazed at the prospect, even though I'm not really bothered about spending time in Australia again. We communicate and have both said what's important to us.

 

My husband has retired from his job here and has found one he'd really like in Australia. It's a job which would come up very rarely, so I've told him to apply for it if it's what he wants, but I can't follow him just yet. Our daughters are all adults, but the youngest is not ready to be left just yet, so I'm going to stay so she has a stable base until she knows what she wants to do - she may end up coming with us, but I don't want her to feel pressured into doing something she might regret, so we'll give her time and stability to make that decision. My husband accepts this and, if he's successful will look at ways of either coming back regularly, or flying us out as often as possible.

It will work because we want it to and it's not a permanent situation. Relationships are about giving space, allowing people to be themselves and compromise.

 

On a side note. When we first came back from Perth in 2003 I didn't want to be here. I hated everything about the UK, but once I changed my mindset I had a ball. The friends I made in the following few years are my closest friends still.

If you want to be with your husband then you'll need to do the same, otherwise send him on his way with your blessing and your marriage will either survive or not. It'll come down to what's more important to you both in the end.