elcoleman82 Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 Bit of a depressing thread, but my Dad has terminal cancer, im thinking I will go and see him again very soon, while he is still has some quality of life, and then maybe again nearer the end/funeral. I’m terrified of doing the wrong thing, and having regrets later or not doing what’s best for him. I went home at Christmas where we had family time, but its getting a lot worse, as there are no treatments left for him to try, i think he is on borrowed time, and the Dr’s have advised my family to contact Macmillan. Has anyone been through this, and had any regrets after. A friend said seeing a close family member of hers at the end was a mistake, as it’s not how you want to remember them, and they don’t really know you are there, but I cant imagine leaving after a trip home knowing I won’t ever see him again face to face. I wouldn’t normally post something like this, but I don’t know anyone who has gone through this from a distance. i do have a strong family network at home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest241083 Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 .........I am so sorry to hear this.... .........my sister was living in America when my father was diagnosed with cancer....he was 58 and it was aggressive... .........she came to Australia while he still had some quality of life.... ..........he was in and out of hospital.....but we spent days all together.... ...........some quality time.....a few laughs......lots of reminiscing..... ...........he died a few weeks after she returned home.... ............his last weeks sedated and in hospital..... .............she didn't come for his funeral.......and we agreed .....the time she spent with him....was more important.... .............we never know when our time is up.... ..............to me.....I would say spend the time when he can appreciate it.....enjoy it.... ..............thoughts are with you at this sad time.....tink Xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akiralx Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 My sympathies to you - my father passed away from lung cancer (a non-smoker) - he was diagnosed while we were on holiday in Aus in 2008 and died a few weeks later after we returned, very quick unfortunately. Ironically the money he left me enabled us to emigrate the following year. I would agree with the suggestion that it is not a good idea to see a parent when they are very close to death from such a condition - they will be highly sedated and it could cloud your memories of him - I did not see my father during the last few days, nor my mother who died in 2001 from ovarian cancer. I think this was a correct decision for me, I have fond memories of both when in good health. Bedside death scenes are common in films, but I suspect they are rarely beneficial in reality. Just visit now when hopefully he is managing his condition, and spend as much time as possible. You may or may not return for his funeral, you may think it inconceivable that you won't - though a friend of mine visited her dying father from Aus and did not go back for the funeral a month later (time and cost were an issue) and has no regrets - funerals are for the living not the dead after all, nd you can hopefully continue a closer relationship with other family members after his passing, with visits in either direction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bungo Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 Bit of a depressing thread, but my Dad has terminal cancer, im thinking I will go and see him again very soon, while he is still has some quality of life, and then maybe again nearer the end/funeral. I’m terrified of doing the wrong thing, and having regrets later or not doing what’s best for him. I went home at Christmas where we had family time, but its getting a lot worse, as there are no treatments left for him to try, i think he is on borrowed time, and the Dr’s have advised my family to contact Macmillan. Has anyone been through this, and had any regrets after. A friend said seeing a close family member of hers at the end was a mistake, as it’s not how you want to remember them, and they don’t really know you are there, but I cant imagine leaving after a trip home knowing I won’t ever see him again face to face. I wouldn’t normally post something like this, but I don’t know anyone who has gone through this from a distance. i do have a strong family network at home. My mother died when I was overseas, my father whilst I was here (but 200 miles away). He had cancer but I didn't know how close he was to the end, I saw him about nine days before he died, he then took a sudden turning but I didn't realise it was so bad and I planned to visit the next day but he passed away before I got there. I still regret that I was the child who didn't make it to the hospital, eight years ago now. My siblings were all with him on his final day, although he did ask them all to leave about thirty minutes before he passed and he definitely knew they were all there. I think if I were at the end, I am sure I would like to see my family one last time and hence whilst I am the family member, I would not be prioritising what is good for me above the person. And move heaven and earth to get to the funeral. It brings closure, it is respectful, it is comforting for the rest of the family and you are likely to regret it deeply if you do not. My mother died suddenly so there was no dilemma over visiting, but I was there within 24 hours which was very comforting for my father. One of my sisters did not attend her funeral, it was heart breaking for my dad, put us in a horrible situation as we decided to lie for her to spare his feelings as much as we could and in all honesty I never forgave her either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 I am so sorry for your situation, it must be an awful thing to be going through - as an only child in in somewhat of a different situation but I think I would find it very hard to go and then say goodbye knowing that the next time would be for a funeral - heck it was hard enough doing farewells when there was no terminal illness involved just regular decrepitude. Seeing someone go downhill is definitely not pretty but life is a terminal illness as they say and I don't know that one's long term memories stay with the way they looked at death, rather the way they were in life. As for missing funerals, I guess that rather depends on your family and their observed priorities - my family aren't great on funerals - my parents always said not to bother going back for theirs (they're both still alive but my mum has said not to bother with a funeral!!! - waste of money!!). I've missed loads of family funerals being in Australia and, as far as I know, not been slated for it nor have I felt any lack of closure but I would have defied the parental edict and gone to parent funerals if only because I am an only child and the first funeral would have left the other parent who would want/need support. How I would feel if I had siblings I have no idea but I suspect I would be going and staying until after it was all over and I was sure that things are OK with those left behind. Guilt is a funny old emotion! Good luck, it's going to be a rocky Road there for a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huntersmummy Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 **** Sorry to hear matey You gotta do what the ol noggin and beatbox tells ya! Its not like your dads going on holiday or moving house, you'll regret it it so much! My old man died and I never got to say cheerio. Even 13 years later and it still sucks. If I could do it all again.....id rather miss school work, holidays ANYTHING to tell that old git I love him than live with a lifetime of regret. Sending ya hugs xxx I forgot to add too, my dad died of liver related stuff due to drinking and he wasn't the same man I remember. I dunno about other people, but you focus on the bad stuff like he looked at the time BUT......I remember my dad throwing me coppers under a huge oak tree when i was 7 or how he cooked roast tatties in a plastic container for 2 hours.....even if you don't go as you don't wanna see him how is.....the good times will come through eventually. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 My own father died a couple of weeks ago (bladder cancer) age 82. He was diagnosed a few months after we left for Australia and was given a maximum of 12 months. In the event the cancer was very aggressive and he lasted only 6 months. I agonised over it but did not return. We spoke on Skype over the months but unfortunately he got stuck in hospital for his last weeks so all I got were bulletins from my brother of his decline in hospital. It was also his wish not to have a funeral so there was not this to return for. You have to do what you feel is right by you and your family. I sympathise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dxboz Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 You have got to do what you feel is right in your heart - you do not want a lifetime of regret. Not every terminal patient goes into a coma for weeks. Everyone is different. My precious family member I lost to cancer was aware of people and surroundings for maybe a day and a half before they passed and even after that they had a couple of lucid episodes. I could not have imagined not being there at the end to be with them as they passed. As for remembering them as they were, I suppose my main intention was to try and bring them some comfort at the end not for me to have happy memories. As Hunter's Mummy said I would have given up anything to be there. You you must do what you think is right and really not listen to other people. What is right for one is not right for another. Listen to your heart xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glenn Wanderlustau Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 You won't regret going mate, but you would regret not going. Best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huntersmummy Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 Hey.....have a hug for your loss xxx It sucks when people gotta go but try and look at this way......you'll be together one day and you can fill him in on all the good Ol Aussie stuff ya got up too Drinking beer and getting them dodgy tan lines! Sorry, I'm the kind of idiot that tries to make light out of a sad situation. Sending love to ya thou xx QUOTE=Gbye grey sky;1936949061]My own father died a couple of weeks ago (bladder cancer) age 82. He was diagnosed a few months after we left for Australia and was given a maximum of 12 months. In the event the cancer was very aggressive and he lasted only 6 months. I agonised over it but did not return. We spoke on Skype over the months but unfortunately he got stuck in hospital for his last weeks so all I got were bulletins from my brother of his decline in hospital. It was also his wish not to have a funeral so there was not this to return for. You have to do what you feel is right by you and your family. I sympathise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 Ok, I'm not terminal but these last few years I've been in and out of hospital more times than anyone I think. They have removed near enough every part of me inside due to cancer or complications. Every time I go in I don't know if it's the last time. I know it kills my hubby seeing me the way I am and visiting the hospital but I want him to be there. I admit there are many occasions he hasn't been strong enough, it's hard when you have no family support or friends to comfort your loved ones at this time. I had an op last week and another just today and each time I'm getting weaker but I need my family with me. Many a time I feel selfish for wanting them there and many a time I can see them fighting back the tears and I want to send them away. It will be hard for you, very hard, but please go. You will always feel guilty if you don't and even though he will be in pain and drugged up, if he recognises you for just 5 minutes your trip home will have been worth everything to him. All my love and hugs :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 Bit of a depressing thread, but my Dad has terminal cancer, im thinking I will go and see him again very soon, while he is still has some quality of life, and then maybe again nearer the end/funeral. I’m terrified of doing the wrong thing, and having regrets later or not doing what’s best for him. I went home at Christmas where we had family time, but its getting a lot worse, as there are no treatments left for him to try, i think he is on borrowed time, and the Dr’s have advised my family to contact Macmillan. Has anyone been through this, and had any regrets after. A friend said seeing a close family member of hers at the end was a mistake, as it’s not how you want to remember them, and they don’t really know you are there, but I cant imagine leaving after a trip home knowing I won’t ever see him again face to face. I wouldn’t normally post something like this, but I don’t know anyone who has gone through this from a distance. i do have a strong family network at home. It does depend on the type of cancer. We had a guy at work last year who sent his goodbyes, and we were advised to go see him and say goodbye. He is stubbornly refusing to die, and it's all getting a bit embarrassing. Reminds me of when I broke up with a girlfriend, and I did the decent thing and walked her to the station to say goodbye. Bloody train was delayed wasn't it. Longest hour I've spent in my life. I was diagnosed ten years ago, and I often meet people in the street who look confused to see me walking around. Only you can look into your heart and know the answer to your questions. Only you can tell what you can live with afterwards. But talk is cheap and talk is good. But just beware, us cancer people lie through our teeth to protect the ones we love. But then that's okay too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted May 11, 2016 Share Posted May 11, 2016 I think you have to do what you think, We recently lost my dad, he was admitted to hospital and was quite unwell and then picked up when he started treatment, he told us not to come over yet as he didn't want us just visiting him at the hospital, he was hoping to be home after a couple of weeks and told us to wait. Information we were getting from the hospital was that there was no urgency. Unfortunatly, my dad's condition suddenly deteriorated, he was transferred to intensive care and passed away, the Dr. said it was totally unexpected and had happened so quickly that to be honest unless we were there at the time, we wouldn't have got to the hospital in time. My brother regrets not being there at the end, whilst I, content that we had nothing to say that hadn't been said -( we knew my dad loved us and he knew we loved him) am ok with not being there and reflect on really happy times/memories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elcoleman82 Posted May 13, 2016 Author Share Posted May 13, 2016 thanks for taking the time to tell me your thoughts everyone, this has helped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted May 26, 2016 Share Posted May 26, 2016 Go as soon as you are able. My husband was fine on the Friday in hospital and we were making arrangements to bring him home and he died on the Tuesday. My friend and her husband just returned from a long cruise and whilst they were away at sea his mum died. He had been in touch all the time and everything seemed to be going fine and then bang, she was in hospital and next thing she died. Secondaries in the brain, once the bag is opened it just runs havoc so there is no right and wrong time to go just go if you need to. Also sometimes its good to remember them how they were as they deteriorate we then have a not so good memory of them. My husband was has paralysis from the nipples down due to the radiation treatment hitting his spinal cord so we knew his outcome was not a good one. Would have preferred to remember him on his bike riding around the place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rammygirl Posted May 26, 2016 Share Posted May 26, 2016 I agree with the go with your own instincts and some knowledge of what your father would like. Everyone is different, and circumstances can dictate events. I have lost mum, dad, brother, mother in law, and close friends as well as miscarriage. Each at different stages in life. And each time was different both in the way I reacted and being there etc. I do regret not being there for my Mil ( we were very close as I lost my mum at 16). I had two small children and little notice to travel the 2 hours in the night. My oh went, she was in a hospice and on drugs for cancer but she missed me and that hurt a lot. I still needed to say goodbye so went to the funeral home and did it there and gave her that last kiss. The funeral was just a formality for me. Her daughter would not come with me as couldn't bear to see her in her coffin. We are all different and there is no right or wrong. Do what feels right for you and recognise that whatever decision you make you may have some regrets but hey that's life ( and death) for you......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warren&liz Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Dear happyinoz So sorry to hear about your dad. 2 years ago my dad was very ill. I went home to see him and although it was hard to see someone who had been so active bedridden, I was glad I did. The joy on his face when he saw me was worth it. He died a few months after I returned to Oz. I know my visit made him happy for the little while I was there. I was dreading seeing him so ill but I think it made it easier for me to deal with his passing in the end. Also seeing the rest of your family will help you to cope. Lizx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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