Guest jetandspade Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 The grass is always greener on the other side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I have to agree with what Quoll said it does seem like it's all about your husband and what he wants. One particular line stood out like a big red warning light " Everything we do is based around my husbands jobs and his hobby which has a huge impact on our life" What about you? Your hobbies or what you want to do? Do you not get a say or choice? Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. From what i read from your post your husband has all his own way. I'm sorry to be harsh but he sounds very selfish to me like most Australian men i've met. If i have mis read or taken it wrongly i'm sorry. Life is far to short to live it where you a so unhappy and with someone whom it seems unwilling to even consider an alternative considering his wife is unhapy. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 As far as my husband's side of things go, he simply does not want to move. ...He absolutely has a great life - he works two jobs one of which he adores, has a hobby he loves and has a good social life. Everything we do is based around his jobs and hobby which has a massive impact on our lives( So, not only does your husband have a great life that he doesn't want to leave, HIS wants and needs dominate you and the entire family? I trust he minds the kids sometimes so you can get equal time on your hobbies and interests? If not why not? I suggest this is something else to talk over with the counsellor. You may always long for Wales, but perhaps it would be more bearable if you had a real life of your own in Australia, as an independent woman with your own identity and purpose, instead of being tacked on to your husband's lifestyle. You're certainly not alone in being in that situation - many women to do everything to support the man they love and and his interests, and fit their own needs into the free time left. Then the children come along and suddenly there's no free time for you to be you, the woman not you, the mother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Daffodil, you mentioned that your husband works two jobs and adores one of them ... can he give the one he doesn't up for more family time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 So, not only does your husband have a great life that he doesn't want to leave, HIS wants and needs dominate you and the entire family? I trust he minds the kids sometimes so you can get equal time on your hobbies and interests? If not why not? I suggest this is something else to talk over with the counsellor. You may always long for Wales, but perhaps it would be more bearable if you had a real life of your own in Australia, as an independent woman with your own identity and purpose, instead of being tacked on to your husband's lifestyle. You're certainly not alone in being in that situation - many women to do everything to support the man they love and and his interests, and fit their own needs into the free time left. Then the children come along and suddenly there's no free time for you to be you, the woman not you, the mother. Is there a possibility @Daffodil that it is not Australia you are unhappy with but your life in Australia? Maybe the compromise needed is for your husband to focus more on your happiness IN Australia, assuming there is nothing fundamentally wrong with your marriage then it is fair to assume your husband wants you to be together and wants you to be happy. This thread has gone done the road of you going back to Wales on your own & probably without your children which I doubt would make either of you happy at all! If you don't have much of a life then it is no wonder you feel homesick - and as Marisa says it is not unusual for mums wherever you live to end up like that. Actually it is probably what lead to us moving to Australia - we wanted a different life than the one we had as parents of a 4 year old, things is the life of parents of a 4 year old is the same in Australia too!! If you were to move back you may find your life is really pretty much the same in Wales - except your husband is now unhappy too (assuming you somehow persuade him to move back). Counselling is a must - whether alone or with your partner - and in fact in your marriage is basically sound, I would suggest you have some counselling on your own first to work out what you really want - you may find then that you can talk things through with your husband and sort it out between you without further help. You can probably persuade a Dr. to refer you to a psychologist on Medicare. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina2 Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Some good points on this thread if it did head for a family court you would be required to attend mediation to try to work things out for the benifit of the kids so why not give counselling a try and see if you can make things better here in Aus first Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 @Tina2 and @Collie, if you want to continue discussing the family court, I've opened a new thread for you here. The OP is still a long way from having to deal with the Family Court and let's hope she never needs to, I think major discussions about that prospect are only likely to be depressing for her, so let's not get bogged down! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina2 Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 @Tina2 and @Collie, if you want to continue discussing the family court, I've opened a new thread for you here. The OP is still a long way from having to deal with the Family Court and let's hope she never needs to, I think major discussions about that prospect are only likely to be depressing for her, so let's not get bogged down! Sorry about that you can delete the posts if you like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Collie Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 Yep - Apologies on the tangent. Obviously a difference of opinion based on individual experiences. To the OP - best of luck with counselling and hope you find a solution that ensures the kids have daily access to both parents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kasisalo Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 Thanks again for the replies. I've just read through them all and appreciate the advice. I've taken on board all the comments even if one or two came across as a bit harsh. It's impossible for me to give an accurate account of my situation and all the ins and outs in a few paragraphs in a forum like this but I do want to point out that I don't consider myself 'obsessed' with wanting to move, I certainly wouldn't do it 'on a whim' and the job prospect thing is irrelevant for my husband as he wouldn't make the move even if he had no visa issues and had a dream job lined up that he could walk into. Of course the kids are the most important thing and the last thing I want to do is ruin their lives. I understand that the best thing is for me to stay here and make it work and that is what I will continue to do. As I've already stated, I'm only at the talking about it stage. It doesn't mean I'm going to pack my bags and fly back. It's not about 'me, me, me' either. Yes I've expressed that I'd love to move back but I know that it's not as simple as that - there are other people to consider and a million other factors which is why I am turning to this forum for some constructive advice. If I was thinking of only myself I would have moved back years ago and not given a stuff about anyone else. As far as my husband's side of things go, he simply does not want to move. He loves the Gold Coast, the relaxing, easy going lifestyle, the weather, his jobs, friends and house. He's been to the UK a few times and also to Wales on trips with me. He cannot imagine anything worse than moving over there. He says it has no appeal, there's nothing there for him, the weather is depressing etc. He reckons he would be absolutely miserable living there despite us having a strong support network with my family and friends and a house to move straight into (we are very well set up financially). He won't even consider moving and is very sure about his stance on it. He's terrified of change and won't put himself in that position. He's listened to my feelings, reasons, ideas for a compromise as we've discussed it many times but at the end of the day it's not enough for him to make the change. I appreciate his honestly as there is no false hope that he will consider it so I know it'll never be an option for him. I understand where he is coming from too and I would hate for him to give up his life here and move to Wales when that's the last thing he wants to do. He absolutely has a great life - he works two jobs one of which he adores, has a hobby he loves and has a good social life. Everything we do is based around his jobs and hobby which has a massive impact on our lives so I can see why he would not want to give that up. I could write a novel about how I feel about where I fit into all this but I wont. I just want to go back to Wales where my family and friends are and where my heart belongs. I love everything about the lifestyle, the place, the people and the way I feel when I am there. It's a feeling deep inside that I can't explain. I know it's horrible wanting to leave. I know it's horrible even thinking about potentially taking the kids away from their father. It's not as though I like feeling like this. No one in their right mind would want to be in this predicament, but this is the way it is for me right now and I'm trying to work on it. But it's also horrible living in place that you really don't love or have any connection with and know you will never be able to leave. I know the damage has been done now though, I know I made the choice to have kids here, I know I've made my bed and I have to lie in it. I know that kids come first. I'm fully aware of all that so it doesn't need to be pointed out. I do go home to Wales every year which is great so at least I get my fix in that respect. My husband is hugely supportive of this too. @endlesswinter has summed up perfectly how I am feeling.... "she's articulating a dream that deep down she knows is unlikely to ever happen". You said that everything you do is based around his jobs, which he loves and hobbies, and it has a big impact on your family life, but what about you? He is obviously loving his life in every single way, he is lucky that he has not had to compromise anything, Has he tried to put himself in your shoes? I really understand where your coming from and wish you and your family all the best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kasisalo Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 To be honest, after being in Australia so long and still not found happiness, I think you have to do something to make yourself happy. There is little point in staying in Australia until the day you die and spending it unhappy. Yes, I am sure it would make your husband unhappy if you leave. But, sometimes we have to remember this is our one and only time on this planet and we are not on it very long and while making loved ones happy is important, it can not and should not be at the cost of making yourself permanently unhappy. Totally agree with you, and that is why I am moving back home, I will be leaving my 2 eldest daughters, who love it here, I will be back for visits every year, but I know i cant stay here and be unhappy, luckily my girls are older and understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwiathome Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 You inspired me to come back on. I have kept one eye on threads while finishing my own study/course and growing as a person. I felt sorry for you from what I read. I thought some were mean to you. I think courst?legal etc long way off. I have been through similar or worst, never came to courts or legal. So in this instance just forget for a moment. Main focus is back to your hubby. You defend him, you come across as lovely. Be strong and confident in yourself for that, because you are. You love your hubby, obvious because you defend him. Again, you are a lovely person. Now the but comes in. If you have come to this situation, you are asking for help and doubting your hubby. If after 10 years he cant compromise with you, acknowledge what you want, say to kids, hay your mum is from Wales, how cool, lets go back for the next 10 years, like she has done for us, !!!!!!!!!!!! Families compromise all the time, travel all the time, spend time in different countiries. Can be great for the kids, educational, open eyes etc, and when we marry we come from different, we are different. It is about compromise. After 10 years, he should be moving for you, and encouraging the kids to think what a wonderful opportunity. I would quenstion your hubby. You are a person in your own right. All the best. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwiathome Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 kasisalo, I don't know u, but I wish you the best. I guess you are going through a lot. kids, adults,anyone at the end of the day know the thruth, and deep down admire courage. all the best to you. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kasisalo Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 kasisalo, I don't know u, but I wish you the best. I guess you are going through a lot. kids, adults,anyone at the end of the day know the thruth, and deep down admire courage. all the best to you. x Thanks kiwiinaus, I havent been on PIO for a long time, but was feeling a bit bad about deciding to go home, but after reading your post, i thought "she's right", made me feel alot better. The very best of luck to you, take care :smile:xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwiathome Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 I don't know your story, but the fact you come back on here, like me eventually, means there is support huh! We are all only one "person" but we care about others so let them in. There embarks a life of compromise, adjustments, etc. Always good to stand strong, yet try and stand together first. And sometimes speaking on a forum is easier than speaking to others. I have not spoken a lot on a forum, or to others, but I kinda like knowing I can come back to this forum eventually if I need.:cute: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffodil Posted November 16, 2015 Author Share Posted November 16, 2015 Thanks again for all the replies. I've taken a few to days to read through them all again and do some serious thinking about my situation. Writing here about my shall I stay/shall I go woes has lifted a massive weight off my shoulders as it's the first time I've been able to be brutally honest to myself and express how I truly feel. So thanks for taking the time to give me your thoughts/experiences/advice. It's done me the world of good. You're right @kiwiinaus - I am asking for help (from a bunch of people I don't know!) and doubting my hubby. His lack of compromise has led to resentment on my part and that certainly has not been healthy. I've got some big decisions to make. For the first time in a long, long time I now feel I have the guts to do something about my situation. I'm trying to be productive. I've booked a trip back to Wales in January by myself to see once and for all if moving back really is a viable option. I have chosen to go in January as the weather is at it's worst so I need to see the place again in it's wettest, miserable state. I usually go back in the summer when the weather is at it's finest. In the meantime my husband and I are booked into to see a marriage councellor and I'm looking forward to seeing what that has in store for us. One way or another I need to knock this homesickness on the head as I can't live the rest of my life feeling like this. It's exhausting. This forum has been a godsend to me. Thanks for all the kind replies. I'll keep you all posted on my journey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nat Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 hi daffodil I came on here today as was feeling homesick from wales too . been here just over 2 years . came here for husbands job for 4 years . we sat down and done the pros and cons before a final decision to leave and knew it was nt going to be easy . it was going to be yearly trips back but that hasn't happened . did manage to go back this year on my own with 2 children one born since being in oz as I needed that trip back and felt quilty as family were missing out on new addition and the old feelings were surfacing about taking my other child away from family and friends . I enjoyed every minute home and it was non stop but it did make me appreciate the opportunity we,ve been given. I really feel for you as your situation is a tricky one with your husband being Australian . as my husband is from wales and deep down I think if I agreed to stay after the 4 years he wouldn't even consider moving back . and sometimes I feel like you made your bed u need to lie in it too. I hope you finally find a way to sort things . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Have a good trip Daffodl! If you can get that feeling that you are making whichever choice you are making for whatever reasons you may be making it then I really think that empowerment will help you cope better. It's a freedom of choice thing really! Sometimes we can choose to live more easily with the least worst option whatever that may be. Good luck with the counselling - it's great that your DH is going, many won't! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 and sometimes I feel like you made your bed u need to lie in it too. I've been thinking about the "you've made your bed" comment. I don't think it's fair. The thing is, having a baby is a transformative experience. You wake up the next morning and although the world hasn't changed, everything about your attitude to it has changed - you don't get a choice! The young woman who agreed to move to Australia was genuine when she made the commitment to live forever in Australia - but she had absolutely no idea about how motherhood would change that. It's a pity more mothers don't explain it to their daughters (though that's probably because we wouldn't believe them if they did!). So it's not as simple as signing up for something and then "changing her mind", IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwiathome Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 When I married my hubby at 27, he left for England and gave me an ultimatium. He is an airline pilot and left NZ for England. He was going whether I was coming or not. He gave me an ultimatium. I never got a honeymoon. I followed him. Not because of paper, or obligations, or ultimatiums, but because I thought he was wonderful. Hence, our life evermore. Ups and downs, changing countries, but we are still together. We have both compromised, and we are still very happy toghether. I would have walked out long ago, and said "too hard" if I did not feel he was my soul mate, and gave me something back. It should not be too hard. If it is, is your partner you soul mate and gives you enough to make you stay???? We can all be strong on our own, if it is better than feeling cheated. Just because you marry does not mean you have to loose yourself. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not. Always look within, be honest and trust your gut instinct. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Kiwi, are you and your husband New Zealanders? Will you be able to live in the UK? Not trying to be difficult but I don't know much about visas etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 When I married my hubby at 27, he left for England and gave me an ultimatium. He is an airline pilot and left NZ for England. He was going whether I was coming or not. He gave me an ultimatium. I never got a honeymoon. I followed him. Not because of paper, or obligations, or ultimatiums, but because I thought he was wonderful. Hence, our life evermore. Ups and downs, changing countries, but we are still together. We have both compromised, and we are still very happy toghether. I would have walked out long ago, and said "too hard" if I did not feel he was my soul mate, and gave me something back. It should not be too hard. If it is, is your partner you soul mate and gives you enough to make you stay???? We can all be strong on our own, if it is better than feeling cheated. Just because you marry does not mean you have to loose yourself. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not. Always look within, be honest and trust your gut instinct. xx That's airline pilots for you!! Standard airline joke What's the difference between God and a pilot? God doesn't think he is a pilot!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwiathome Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Exactly! My hubby is the most over confident, arrogant, black and white person I have ever known!!! He absolutely agrees! He says that is why in a life or death situation, he will land that damn plane and not loose a life.! I couldn't do it, I admire him for that. Just does not always make for an easy marriage. But I am proud of him. I am also proud of myslef, because we are equals. And I know ramot you are still with your hubby and I have enjoyed listening to your experience.:wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Exactly! My hubby is the most over confident, arrogant, black and white person I have ever known!!! He absolutely agrees! He says that is why in a life or death situation, he will land that damn plane and not loose a life.! I couldn't do it, I admire him for that. Just does not always make for an easy marriage. But I am proud of him. I am also proud of myslef, because we are equals. And I know ramot you are still with your hubby and I have enjoyed listening to your experience.:wink: 45 years and it hasn't been easy. Leaving a safe career in the RAF, joining an independent airlines that went bankrupt, made redundant due to last in first out policy, but stuck with it through thick and thin. Just when you think he will actually be home for an important celebration, be it a birthday, Christmas or even just a long standing invitation, whoops a last minute roster change. Christmas was often celebrated any day within a week of the actual day, but that's what you have to learn to accept. Then when the children are grown up you are finally free to go on trips with him, finally enjoying the perks. Remember my friend who had been my neighbour when we both had our first, saying when my oldest had his 18th birthday, give yourself a pat on your back, because our sons had made it to 18 without too many major hiccups, and our husbands had only been around for half of that time! Hope you make the right decision for you, even though it's not what I could or ever wanted to do. Just remembered something after posting above. I genuinely don't think my husband really understood how difficult the lifestyle could be for us wives, until another pilot who he respected was talking about how tough it could be on the wives, left on our own so much, and coping with everything, then having husband back for a few days, all change, then all change again when they head off again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nat Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 the quote I made I feel like you made your bed u need to lie in it too I was refering to myself I just looked at my post and if it has come across I was referring to daffodil I wasn't its a saying we use back home a lot. I could feel what she was saying too .so i didn't mean to offend anyone . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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