Only child dilemma......

[tina0101]

I would personally have a look at whether you want your children around them. If they are capable of behaving like this by cutting you out the will, you do not know what they will say to the kids.

 

Its a a horrendous situation; we had an issue over money with my parents and it hurt a lot. It does sound like you are doing the best thing moving away. Poison like that is not healthy and you need to think of yours and the kids well-being. If you now stay, you won't ever forget what they have done. Xx

[Lindor]

As the mother of an only child I am shocked by your parents reaction and subsequent actions. In your position, I would keep the children well away from them. I wish you and your family all the best! :hug:

[Quoll]

Very petty and vindictive unless they know something that we dont. In your situation I guess I would be cutting my losses and cutting all ties to be honest. If that means the kids dont get to see their grandparents, well, I dont think I would want them to. Now you're really on your own two feet. Good luck, you're going to need it!

[Alaska]

I would venture to say that a move abroad can be a bit liberating from unhealthy family relationships. I hope you can keep moving forward and not let this drag you down. x

[Guest The Pom Queen]

Can we please keep to the topic and stop with the personal digs thanks

[Maruska]

Just want to wish you strength and good luck in this awful situation. The fact is, your family unit is you, your husband and your children and you`ve got to stick together and stay strong. I don`t have an experience like yours because my parents were really supportive but I unfortunately do have a personal experience of being used by a manipulative family member (grandparent) to get her own way when I was child and a teenager and it was awful. Awful enough that I felt immensely relieved when she died - I was already living abroad but glad for my parents to finally be able to live without that nasty poisonous woman around. I would NOT let your children be exposed to this kind of environment under any circumstances. You are probably feeling like an emotional wreck right now but I think, based on what you wrote, that it`s time to start out fresh .

[starlight7]

Run- like the wind . Just go- from what you said things will be terribly difficult now if you stay and give way to their blackmail. I wouldn't be too quick to inform them of my plans, either, because they actually sound quite threatening to me and who knows what they might come up with?

[Gbye grey sky]

The more I think about your plight the more upset I get with what you and your family are having to put up with. Your father and mother are stating that they have cut you from the will (that is their decision to make) but stating that they expect you both to grant access to the grandchildren (as if they are saying "I may not own you anymore but I still own the grandchildren"). I am coming round to the views of others expressed here and feel that exposing your children to people who have said these things would be an act of pure folly and would come back to haunt you later. I think that you should cut them out of your life as they have cut you out of theirs unless or until they apologise and express regret for what they have said. And my preference as before would be to put this in writing and include in that letter the actual things that they have said which have are the cause of the hurt.

[tea4too]

I would normally have a degree of sympathy for parents left behind, recognising that grief can cause people to act in ways completely out of character. But like @Gbye grey sky I too am coming round to the swift clean break approach. However great their shock, sense of hurt, and even desperation, the OP’s parents have not just crossed the line, but trampled all over it. Continuing to comply with their demands sort of gives their actions credibility, and doesn’t require them to have any regard for anything other than their own grief.

 

Things have probably passed the stage of rational conversation now, so I agree that a carefully worded letter is probably best way forward. Personally I’d keep it simple, acknowledge their pain, but gently confirm this is something you need to do for your family. You might also point out that you want your children to think of their grandparents as positive and supportive people, so any contact between now and when you leave will need to include you. And you will help them to be strong for your children’s sake.

 

If they can’t accept that, they must live with the consequences of their own decisions, just as you are doing. All the best. Tx

[northernbird]

I agree with everyone else. Tell them that you are very sad they feel that way and walk away. On the way out tell them that in behaving like that they have given away any chance of having a relationship with their grandchildren as you do not want that sort of poisonous and vitriolic attitude to spread to them. Nasty nasty situation and I hope you can work your way through it.

[Catlady2014]

My only daughter, her husband and daughter, emigrated 3 years ago. It had been planned for a few years and so I had time to get used to the idea. But I always supported them from the first in any case, because as a parent you want the very best for your offspring, and I was convinced that the best for them was to leave the UK and start a new and better life in Australia. I've been to visit on holidays and now I've decided to take the plunge too.

[Que Sera Sera]

My only daughter, her husband and daughter, emigrated 3 years ago. It had been planned for a few years and so I had time to get used to the idea. But I always supported them from the first in any case, because as a parent you want the very best for your offspring, and I was convinced that the best for them was to leave the UK and start a new and better life in Australia. I've been to visit on holidays and now I've decided to take the plunge too.

Funny how life turns out. My then 15 year old decided she wanted to go to Australia to visit her Dad. She decided after her holiday she wanted to stay. I too gave my blessing and 4 years later took the plunge and came here too. That was over 4 years ago now and it was the best thing we ever did. Good luck to you :wubclub:

[Guest Ptp113]

My only daughter, her husband and daughter, emigrated 3 years ago. It had been planned for a few years and so I had time to get used to the idea. But I always supported them from the first in any case, because as a parent you want the very best for your offspring, and I was convinced that the best for them was to leave the UK and start a new and better life in Australia. I've been to visit on holidays and now I've decided to take the plunge too.

Apologies for off topic but do you show cats by any chance?

[Catlady2014]

Apologies for off topic but do you show cats by any chance?

 

No, I don't show cats. I have two though - a Siamese (originally my daughters's cat - I took him on when they left for Oz), plus a DSH rescue cat. And now I have a rescue dog too. Going to cost me an absolute fortune to bring them all to Australia, but can't leave them behind.

[Catlady2014]

And going back to the question of breaking the news to parents - my partner has yet to tell his family that we going. He's decided to leave it a while longer as we are just at the start of the process. That will be a difficult one because his mother is elderly and his father died some years ago, although his sister lives with his mother.

[Gerrards]

Seriously, I thank each and every one of you for your kind, honest comments, they really have helped keep me sane, it's a hard situation to deal with and I never saw it coming.

 

Yes, there are two sides to every story, in the past my hubby could have been accused of sometimes being moody, I now know this is due to him feeling he has been married to 3 people for the last 16 years and having no control over his family. I refused to listen as he did try many times to tell me and just sometimes, it all got a bit much and got on his nerves! I spoke with my parents everyday and saw them most weekends (they live 5 minutes away and would always pop in). A friend said to me the other week, that the apron strings should of been cut 25 years ago and other friends have since said how controlling my parents have been over me but I never could see it, that all said, I do understand that this is a double blow for them,

1: me, not doing as they say for once in my life and

2: me, wanting to emigrate (I did originally say for 2 years and they could come).

Even so, nothing was that bad in our relationships and all has been well for the last few years. I'm generally a nice person with lots of friends (I think!) And have always been very respectful of my Mum & Dad, we have not retaliated during any of their temper tantrums as I know they are hurting.

 

As I have said, my parents have been very involved in my life and good to me, but in turn, I feel I have been a very good daughter, supporting and helping them. In my eyes, relationships work both ways.

When this journey first started my Mum stopped ringing me, I used to still ring them everyday and be nice for months, I then said that they could occasionally ring me, her reply was that I have rung her most of my life (we rang each other, in my opinion) And it was my job to keep ringing them, they are not changing now at 69 years old!

 

When they summoned me down on Saturday morning to tell me all the paperwork is done and I was removed from their will, I never even asked if the children were still beneficiaries as I was in shock and the money isn't what it's about for me. My Mum screaming in my face that she hates me has stuck more than being cut out of the will. They are that consumed with bitterness and anger that they may well of left it all to the donkey sanctuary!

 

I am going to do a written letter to post to them this week acknowledging how upset and devastated they may be BUT this is still no excuse to think that they can behave and say whatever they like with no consequences.

 

Again, I will keep you posted.........

[Wellers and Whitehead]

Jeez, you were good to go on Saturday, knowing you were likely to get a grilling! I'd distance yourself slightly...tell them you will be doing so for all to calm down a little. For what it's worth,I think they will come round when you move.

[northernbird]

Jeez, you were good to go on Saturday, knowing you were likely to get a grilling! I'd distance yourself slightly...tell them you will be doing so for all to calm down a little. For what it's worth,I think they will come round when you move.

 

They may well come around but how can a normal relationship be resumed after such hateful and spiteful things have been said.

[Gerrards]

After reading your comments and because I wanted to..........I wrote my parents a heartfelt, hand written letter that took me around a week to compose. To personal to share but the jist of it was me apologising for letting them down and how sorry I am that it's come to this. We posted it through their door on a Friday morning. I received a 3 page hand written letter back the next day in 1st class post. It wasn't actually too bad but over the 3 pages of words not one of them was 'sorry', she did say she regrets saying she hates me,and what she actually meant to say was that she hates what I'm doing to them and until I accept the blame for wanting to move to Australia and the upset it has caused there is no way forward.

 

I had a complete break for 4 weeks with no contact but with Christmas coming up and my sons birthday I felt I needed to try one more time.

 

I rang my Dad last week and asked if they would like to see the children. I had told the children that they had been on holiday for a month as they have been asking when they could see them.

He did initially start on me again, the same old, same old. I said I haven't rang to argue just to see if they wanted to see the kids, as its not fair on them and life is very short, he said he would have to check with my Mum and I was to ring him back. I did, to be told that yet again they have been thinking and they feel that because we are still going ahead with our Australia plans it's best that they cut any ties with us now so they have decided not to see the children. I said that was very sad that they felt they had to behave like this and wished him well. That night I received this text:

 

Mum: Do not mention anything to the children, we will get back to you

Me: Sorry they are already aware, I think it's best to stick with your gut instinct

Mum: Your choice

Me: No yours actually, I really don't want to argue

Mum: Get lost, you are a stranger

 

Telling my children that Nanny and Grandad are not happy with us for wanting to try a new life in Australia for a bit and do not want to see any of us at the moment as they are so upset was an awful thing to have to do. I don't agree in bringing kids into an emotional adult world, we made it a very simple and quick conversation. Actually they both seemed fine about it but one thing that did worry me as my daughter said (she is 8) I did get a bit sick on them keep asking me about Australia all the time Mummy, and they kept saying I didn't understand!

 

I honestly feel I have tried everything I can now and apart from going round their house on bended knees saying I won't go to Australia! (which I won't!) The ball is in their court. It's a very emotional journey this one but I need to stay strong and stick to my guns for my family unit and because I actually want this move too.

Now the time has come to put the lid on this box and not to keep going back offering olive branches to only be beaten with them again. It's time to start looking forward not back, as adults we all actually choose how we behave and they have chose there path.

 

Thanks everyone for your support, you really have been a great help.

[Guest Ptp113]

After reading your comments and because I wanted to..........I wrote my parents a heartfelt, hand written letter that took me around a week to compose. To personal to share but the jist of it was me apologising for letting them down and how sorry I am that it's come to this. We posted it through their door on a Friday morning. I received a 3 page hand written letter back the next day in 1st class post. It wasn't actually too bad but over the 3 pages of words not one of them was 'sorry', she did say she regrets saying she hates me,and what she actually meant to say was that she hates what I'm doing to them and until I accept the blame for wanting to move to Australia and the upset it has caused there is no way forward.

 

I had a complete break for 4 weeks with no contact but with Christmas coming up and my sons birthday I felt I needed to try one more time.

 

I rang my Dad last week and asked if they would like to see the children. I had told the children that they had been on holiday for a month as they have been asking when they could see them.

He did initially start on me again, the same old, same old. I said I haven't rang to argue just to see if they wanted to see the kids, as its not fair on them and life is very short, he said he would have to check with my Mum and I was to ring him back. I did, to be told that yet again they have been thinking and they feel that because we are still going ahead with our Australia plans it's best that they cut any ties with us now so they have decided not to see the children. I said that was very sad that they felt they had to behave like this and wished him well. That night I received this text:

 

Mum: Do not mention anything to the children, we will get back to you

Me: Sorry they are already aware, I think it's best to stick with your gut instinct

Mum: Your choice

Me: No yours actually, I really don't want to argue

Mum: Get lost, you are a stranger

 

Telling my children that Nanny and Grandad are not happy with us for wanting to try a new life in Australia for a bit and do not want to see any of us at the moment as they are so upset was an awful thing to have to do. I don't agree in bringing kids into an emotional adult world, we made it a very simple and quick conversation. Actually they both seemed fine about it but one thing that did worry me as my daughter said (she is 8) I did get a bit sick on them keep asking me about Australia all the time Mummy, and they kept saying I didn't understand!

 

I honestly feel I have tried everything I can now and apart from going round their house on bended knees saying I won't go to Australia! (which I won't!) The ball is in their court. It's a very emotional journey this one but I need to stay strong and stick to my guns for my family unit and because I actually want this move too.

Now the time has come to put the lid on this box and not to keep going back offering olive branches to only be beaten with them again. It's time to start looking forward not back, as adults we all actually choose how we behave and they have chose there path.

 

Thanks everyone for your support, you really have been a great help.

 

Do you have visas yet?

[vickyplum]

Do you have visas yet?

 

If you take a moment to read the first post, it says husband has been offered a job and the house is on the market. So I think the answer to your question is "Yes".

[Guest Ptp113]

If you take a moment to read the first post, it says husband has been offered a job and the house is on the market. So I think the answer to your question is "Yes".

 

If you took a moment to read the first post a little more carefully you'd see it says 'we told our parents of our intension to apply to move'. The next post also in October says 'we paid and applied for our visas today. Neither It, nor any post since, says that a visa has actually been granted, hence my very question.

[Gbye grey sky]

After reading your comments and because I wanted to..........I wrote my parents a heartfelt, hand written letter that took me around a week to compose. To personal to share but the jist of it was me apologising for letting them down and how sorry I am that it's come to this. We posted it through their door on a Friday morning. I received a 3 page hand written letter back the next day in 1st class post. It wasn't actually too bad but over the 3 pages of words not one of them was 'sorry', she did say she regrets saying she hates me,and what she actually meant to say was that she hates what I'm doing to them and until I accept the blame for wanting to move to Australia and the upset it has caused there is no way forward.

 

I had a complete break for 4 weeks with no contact but with Christmas coming up and my sons birthday I felt I needed to try one more time.

 

I rang my Dad last week and asked if they would like to see the children. I had told the children that they had been on holiday for a month as they have been asking when they could see them.

He did initially start on me again, the same old, same old. I said I haven't rang to argue just to see if they wanted to see the kids, as its not fair on them and life is very short, he said he would have to check with my Mum and I was to ring him back. I did, to be told that yet again they have been thinking and they feel that because we are still going ahead with our Australia plans it's best that they cut any ties with us now so they have decided not to see the children. I said that was very sad that they felt they had to behave like this and wished him well. That night I received this text:

 

Mum: Do not mention anything to the children, we will get back to you

Me: Sorry they are already aware, I think it's best to stick with your gut instinct

Mum: Your choice

Me: No yours actually, I really don't want to argue

Mum: Get lost, you are a stranger

 

Telling my children that Nanny and Grandad are not happy with us for wanting to try a new life in Australia for a bit and do not want to see any of us at the moment as they are so upset was an awful thing to have to do. I don't agree in bringing kids into an emotional adult world, we made it a very simple and quick conversation. Actually they both seemed fine about it but one thing that did worry me as my daughter said (she is 8) I did get a bit sick on them keep asking me about Australia all the time Mummy, and they kept saying I didn't understand!

 

I honestly feel I have tried everything I can now and apart from going round their house on bended knees saying I won't go to Australia! (which I won't!) The ball is in their court. It's a very emotional journey this one but I need to stay strong and stick to my guns for my family unit and because I actually want this move too.

Now the time has come to put the lid on this box and not to keep going back offering olive branches to only be beaten with them again. It's time to start looking forward not back, as adults we all actually choose how we behave and they have chose there path.

 

Thanks everyone for your support, you really have been a great help.

 

I am really sorry but not at all surprised about your latest post. I sense from this that your parents are mainly suffering from shock that their child is acting so out of character and just will not do as she is told and they are in effect using the ploy of sending you to your room and only come back down when you are ready to say sorry. They are then frustrated again when the child says sorry but then will not promise never to misbehave again so just keep repeating the 'punishment' and then escalating it now to include the grandchildren.

 

You mention that in your letter you apologised for wanting to go to Australia and this may have encouraged them to think that they could recover that parental control.

 

Again my sense is that it is a strategy and that they sense if push comes to shove you will bow to their will.

 

Keep strong because I doubt there is any way back now. Even if you did not go to Australia or came back I would suggest relocating to another town and maintain a healthy geographical distance. I feel sad for you; I have only seen my parents once and spoken with them on two occasions in the past 6 years after a fall out and they have shown no interest in maintaining any contact with their only granddaughter either who was only 4 at the time. I suspect that I am out of the will also (not that they have said as much and that is the least of my concerns anyway). I do feel your pain and the sense of loss which will never completely go away really. Another reason for being glad to be in Australia for me at least.

[northernbird]

After reading your comments and because I wanted to..........I wrote my parents a heartfelt, hand written letter that took me around a week to compose. To personal to share but the jist of it was me apologising for letting them down and how sorry I am that it's come to this. We posted it through their door on a Friday morning. I received a 3 page hand written letter back the next day in 1st class post. It wasn't actually too bad but over the 3 pages of words not one of them was 'sorry', she did say she regrets saying she hates me,and what she actually meant to say was that she hates what I'm doing to them and until I accept the blame for wanting to move to Australia and the upset it has caused there is no way forward.

 

I had a complete break for 4 weeks with no contact but with Christmas coming up and my sons birthday I felt I needed to try one more time.

 

I rang my Dad last week and asked if they would like to see the children. I had told the children that they had been on holiday for a month as they have been asking when they could see them.

He did initially start on me again, the same old, same old. I said I haven't rang to argue just to see if they wanted to see the kids, as its not fair on them and life is very short, he said he would have to check with my Mum and I was to ring him back. I did, to be told that yet again they have been thinking and they feel that because we are still going ahead with our Australia plans it's best that they cut any ties with us now so they have decided not to see the children. I said that was very sad that they felt they had to behave like this and wished him well. That night I received this text:

 

Mum: Do not mention anything to the children, we will get back to you

Me: Sorry they are already aware, I think it's best to stick with your gut instinct

Mum: Your choice

Me: No yours actually, I really don't want to argue

Mum: Get lost, you are a stranger

 

Telling my children that Nanny and Grandad are not happy with us for wanting to try a new life in Australia for a bit and do not want to see any of us at the moment as they are so upset was an awful thing to have to do. I don't agree in bringing kids into an emotional adult world, we made it a very simple and quick conversation. Actually they both seemed fine about it but one thing that did worry me as my daughter said (she is 8) I did get a bit sick on them keep asking me about Australia all the time Mummy, and they kept saying I didn't understand!

 

I honestly feel I have tried everything I can now and apart from going round their house on bended knees saying I won't go to Australia! (which I won't!) The ball is in their court. It's a very emotional journey this one but I need to stay strong and stick to my guns for my family unit and because I actually want this move too.

Now the time has come to put the lid on this box and not to keep going back offering olive branches to only be beaten with them again. It's time to start looking forward not back, as adults we all actually choose how we behave and they have chose there path.

 

Thanks everyone for your support, you really have been a great help.

 

I just want to give you a big hug. I hope you can make the move to Australia and make it a successful one for you and your family.

[Quoll]

I am really sorry that they are treating you this way - it certainly does sound like control in spades tinged with deep grief. I know how hard that grief can be (I cried much of the way from Canberra to Melbourne at leaving my grandkids and I'm a hard hearted Hannah and the decision is mine). Grandparenting via Skype sucks and unfortunately people deal with it the only way they know. You've made your decision, go with it but be sure not to allow yourself to be in a position where you are controlled by anyone else in future. Be prepared to be incredibly self sufficient, independent and hard hearted! All the very best of luck in cutting those ties and enjoy the freedom!