Fisher1 Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 tillyd I feel for you, but your post also gave me a wry smile - we had the chance to emmigrate in 1974 and I wouldnt leave my mum. Thirty years on I found myself saying to my husband "if only we'd gone to oz then, we'd all be together now.' He was quick to point out that if she had grown up in Oz, our daughter would in all probability have come to the UK, at least for a year or two! So it goes on, we can never guess how things are going to turn out and in the end we just have to go with the flow and do what seems best at the time. Now I'm busy saving for the next visit... Never thought I'd see the day that I'd have a 'favourite' hotel in Singapore!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 Oh dear Tilly! Not the only one to have a kid emigrate back! One of mine did too and has absolutely no intention of returning to Aus! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tillyd Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 It is so hard some days. I am seriously looking at returning myself as I can just see a future of loneliness. With kids and grandchildren in the uk I cannot really see what Australia can offer me anymore. I realise that you cannot base you life on you kids, after all they have there own lives to lead. However I will be doing what is right for me. Life here is very lonely, especially as my husband works away most of the time. It's about time I followed my heart and not my head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rossmoyne Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 My Dad wanted to emigrate to Australia in the 1950's, but my Mum would not leave her Mum, so me and my brother were born in UK and lived there until 1965. By which time my Nanna had sadly died and my Mum no longer had a valid reason to stop my father wanting to emigrate to Oz. December 1966 saw us (Mum, Dad, Bro and me) landing in Fremantle on the "Fairsky" after a horrendously awful journey. Even thinking about being seasick makes me throw up! As a family we assimilated into Oz life through school and work. My Dad and Bro loved it... My Mum and me hated it. As soon as I was old enough I went back to UK and whilst I loved being back where I wanted to be, I missed my Mum and the family greatly. I married in UK. Dad retired and he and Mum moved back to UK and life was brilliant for me. I then had kids in UK and Mum and Dad moved back to Oz as they missed Perth and the Oz lifestyle.... For ten years we lived on the opposite side of the world to each other and eventually I moved back to WA where I have lived and loved ever since. My children have both been back to UK many times and my youngest has tried living there for a while, but they are both now in their early 30's and back living in Australia. My daughter is in Perth with her husband, and my son is living and working in Queensland. But at least we are all in the same continent - when they were traveling and experiencing what UK and Europe had to offer, I spent years seriously wondering where I would end up living just to be near them. I am so thankful that we are at least on the same continent. My darling Mum (who incidentally is still with us and is 91 shortly) always used to say that she wished someone had shot Captain Cook before he got to Australia!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ryuichi Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I can only offer my deepest and heartfelt sympathy from one broken hearted mum to another. I can identify with every feeling you write about and more - having suffered bereavement in the past I would say that loosing a child through emigration has been worse because it's so hard to understand their choice to leave you. I realise I've offered no advice or words of wisdom- just want you to know that you are not the only one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
l1sa Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 This post has had me sobbing nearly all the way through. Having just told the parents that we are emigrating was the worst thing I've ever done, knowing that I had inflicted all this pain on them. They are so hurt and upset and are obviously feeling all the things you too are feeling, they didn't take it well, but seemed to have calmed down in the last couple of days (well, to my face anyway). The thought of leaving our parents makes us all feel physically sick as we have always been so close. It certainly puts the move into perspective, I thought I'd worry about selling my house and shipping etc.. but that is all meaningless twaddle in comparrison to the love we feel for our parents and the thought of leaving them. In my mind, my dream is that somewhere down the line they will come too and we'll all live happily ever after, but dreams are dreams and reality often has its own agenda. Hang in there, love finds a way, love adapts us, changes us, helps us. All the best from one loving daughter to one loving mother. Lisa 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimpi Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I found out yesterday that my only son is emigrating to Australia ... and I've never felt so upset about anything ever. I am so sad, but happy for him too. I understand why he wants to go and will support him ... but as his Mum, the pain I'm feeling about him not being here is the most awful thing I've ever experienced. Who knew it was possible to shed so many tears. I can see from this thread I am not alone in how I feel, but wish there was someone 'real' I could share these feelings with. I think I need to be honest with him that I feel sad about not being with him, but would never stand in his way and I support his choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ryuichi Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 My heart goes out to you. I received similar news to yours just over four years ago. Take comfort from friends and accept any offers of support. Be proud that you have brought up a child with confidence, independance and a love of adventure. Let your tears flow because bottled up feelings can turn to anger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimpi Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Taking your advice and noisily sobbing while I have the house to myself. I feel like the pain will never end! It's all a bit fresh at the moment and I am struggling to come to terms with it. I have spoken with him today ... calmly and supporting about his plans .. which was really hard but proud of myself for not crying. I love him so dearly and am missing him before he has even left! I phoned my mum and dad ..both in their seventies and they were round like a shot with cuddles and comfort and they are hurting too. Going to try and maintain a happy and positive outlook for the remaining time we have ... we are having our first ski trip as a family in March ... so chance to create more happy memories. I am fast running out of tissues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Taking your advice and noisily sobbing while I have the house to myself. I feel like the pain will never end! It's all a bit fresh at the moment and I am struggling to come to terms with it. I have spoken with him today ... calmly and supporting about his plans .. which was really hard but proud of myself for not crying. I love him so dearly and am missing him before he has even left! I phoned my mum and dad ..both in their seventies and they were round like a shot with cuddles and comfort and they are hurting too. Going to try and maintain a happy and positive outlook for the remaining time we have ... we are having our first ski trip as a family in March ... so chance to create more happy memories. I am fast running out of tissues. Can you start planning your first visit out. Look up flights and Google where they are going to be living. It helps to feel part of the move. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 I found out yesterday that my only son is emigrating to Australia ... and I've never felt so upset about anything ever. I am so sad, but happy for him too. I understand why he wants to go and will support him ... but as his Mum, the pain I'm feeling about him not being here is the most awful thing I've ever experienced. Who knew it was possible to shed so many tears. I can see from this thread I am not alone in how I feel, but wish there was someone 'real' I could share these feelings with. I think I need to be honest with him that I feel sad about not being with him, but would never stand in his way and I support his choice. It is so illuminating to read this thread. I think it should be required reading for everyone thinking of emigrating. Most children love their mother, but I suspect it's rare for them to love their mother with the kind of intense tiger love the mother feels. I didn't have kids myself and was absolutely amazed when I reached my fifties, to see my friends who were mums broken-hearted because their son or daughter left home. As far as I was concerned, I thought my Mum was glad to see the back of me when I left home. Of course I knew she loved me, but she was always making comments about birds leaving the nest and I always felt she was only half-joking. I thought she'd be delighted to have her freedom back. By the time I was confronted with my heartbroken friends, my mother had already passed away so I will never know whether she had the same feelings or not. I wish she'd been honest with me, so please do be honest with your son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NickyNook Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 I found out yesterday that my only son is emigrating to Australia ... and I've never felt so upset about anything ever. I am so sad, but happy for him too. I understand why he wants to go and will support him ... but as his Mum, the pain I'm feeling about him not being here is the most awful thing I've ever experienced. Who knew it was possible to shed so many tears. I can see from this thread I am not alone in how I feel, but wish there was someone 'real' I could share these feelings with. I think I need to be honest with him that I feel sad about not being with him, but would never stand in his way and I support his choice. Oh get a grip. Your son is emigrating. He's a free agent and he's doing what he wants to do. Frankly, if this 'is the most awful thing I've ever experienced', then you're doing well. Trust me, it is possible to shed more tears. Your son is alive, be thankful for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Taking your advice and noisily sobbing while I have the house to myself. I feel like the pain will never end! It's all a bit fresh at the moment and I am struggling to come to terms with it. I have spoken with him today ... calmly and supporting about his plans .. which was really hard but proud of myself for not crying. I love him so dearly and am missing him before he has even left! I phoned my mum and dad ..both in their seventies and they were round like a shot with cuddles and comfort and they are hurting too. Going to try and maintain a happy and positive outlook for the remaining time we have ... we are having our first ski trip as a family in March ... so chance to create more happy memories. I am fast running out of tissues. Hang in there, it will get easier - you do get used to them being gone. You need to pat yourself on the back for raising a strong, independent minded young man! People move around all the time and you never know your luck, he might move back at some point, you just have to go with their flow! I've always found that the lead up to the leaving is worse than the "gone" if that's any consolation! I've had one on the other side of the world for the last 12 years now. Vent away if you need to, there are lots of us who understand! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimpi Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 I need to... but my husband had heart issue last year that he is recovering from, and is now waiting for surgery on his shoulder. Once that is all done and he is declared fit...we can plan it. But until then I can't plan a thing..he can't have his shoulder done til Sept earliest due to medication he needs to be on for 12 months. It's all rather a lot to deal with all at once...but there we are. I woke up crying in my sleep last night... I am fed up with feeling like this and am trying to remain upbeat. It is very hard , try as I may to think about other things...my mind goes straight back back to my son. He has a very close relationship with his grandparents who are devastated at him going, but put on a brave face. Speaking to them yesterday I could see that they realise that once he leaves they may never see him again due to their age... that was heartbreak to see...but they still cuddled him and wished him luck. Love them..and am so thankful I have them both close by. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimpi Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 To date...it is the most awful thing I have experienced. So I am reacting to it. Get a grip? I am entitled to feel as I do as a mum who loves her son. I am not stopping him in anyway. And I WILL continue to shelters as I need to. Your words are bitter and I feel for you. You comments are not helpful to anyone...except maybe yourself. Find another thread to let out your angst. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 I guess we all have to let go of our children sooner or later- as they say, they are only on loan to us, we don't own them For them to go such a long way away is hard, though. I put my parents through it and in turn my children put me through it. That is life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimpi Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 This isn't competition on who has had most grief, lost most people close to them... it's a thread about the genuine loss you feel when your child will leave for another country. Please go find a thread that is relevant to your own loss as this one is clearly not for you. Find others who have experienced your own pain who can make supportive and co constructive comments...I hope you don't come across and dismissive and insensitive idiots ... they are out there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 The thing is loads of us have gone through similar, so although sympathising, have possibly coped better. I left our 13 year old daughter in UK newly in boarding school, + 2 at uni, when had to go overseas with my husband for his work, trust me that was hard, but it's life, so got on with it. then all 3 of ours were in UK when we moved to Oz. our only grandchildren are in UK, we are in our 70's now, but have very full lives, and like so many of our friends live miles away from our children, either in the same country or overseas. hopefully it isn't the end of the world, I'm sure the news was a shock? but start saving up for a visit, when your husbands health improves, Australia is an amazing place to visit, and your son will probably love showing you his new life, and you will hopefully be so proud of him. You never know you might end up living here one day. if you had told me when I was 40 that I would live in Borneo for almost 10 years and then retire to Oz, I would have thought it was as likely as flying to the moon. But that's what happened and I am the richer for the experiences I wasn't expecting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimpi Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Thanks to all the positive and helpful feedback of parents who have found themselves in same or similar situation. Husbands health depending, once the goodbye is done we will be saving and planning a visit. The goodbye will be painful, but having a positive to concentrate on immediately after will help loads. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rossmoyne Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 @kimpi I can see both sides of this situation. I was in my teens when my parents emigrated to Australia with my brother and myself, but by the time I was 23 I was back living in UK, leaving my family in Oz. Mum was heartbroken when I left but kept a positive smile and attitude and supported me all the way, and I thought she was OK with it at the time. My parents travelled, either individually or together, to see me in UK every 2 years, and I came back here the years in between, so we got to spend at least 3 weeks of intensive time together every year. 20 years later in 1991 I moved back to WA with my children and Mum has never stopped telling me how much she hated me being the other side of the world but knew it was what I wanted and had to do, so she supported me. Then just over 2 years ago, my youngest child, son aged 27 at that time, decided to move to Queensland with a job offer that he would have been stupid to refuse. Now I know that Queensland is still in Australia, but it is still a 6 hour flight away and that seemed an unbridgeable gap to me at the time. We are a very close family, just him, me and his sister, and when he left that day I finally realised what I had put my Mum through all those years ago. But following Mum's example, I have supported him all the way in his decision. Saying goodbye at the airport I am not sure who cried more, him or me.... Last year I spent a month with him in Queensland. That was the best thing I could have done as now when I chat to him on the phone or on email and he talks about what he is up to, I can imagine him in the apartment, where he went to dinner, what beach he has been to, the friends he talks about etc etc. He spent the recent Christmas and New Year with us, the first for three years, and it was wonderful, and now I am planning another trip to Queensland in about 6 months time. Our relationship has changed in subtle ways that I embrace. He is more mature in his attitude to life, more appreciative of me and what I have done to bring him and his sister up without the support of his father (who decamped when they were 3 and 5 - hence our return to Oz), more socially conscious than he was, and I am very proud of what he has achieved in his time in Queensland. I know we don't "own" our children, as our parents never "owned" us, but when I made the decision to move back to UK 40+ years ago, I didn't give my parents feelings a thought, and I feel so very bad about that now I am on the other side of the equation. But looking back on the years, I now realise that as parents, our job is to raise honest, caring, responsible offspring, and to support them in what they want to do in this great world of ours. Keep strong kimpi... I am sure that wherever your son is, he will always love you and include you in his life however he can...... and start researching and planning that first trip to come and see him when your husband is well enough to travel. Sending hugs. Rossy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Rossmoyne I agree with your comments that you can identify with your son's new life having visited. We found the same when our daughter was in Mexico for 2 years after our visit there, and also when she lived in Nairobi, as we knew Nairobi quite well. It also works with our grandchildren, as even though they are only 7 & 5, they visited last year, and identify with the house and pool. Funnily enough the youngest announced recently that he wanted his next birthday at Underwater World! Not a cheap option, but lovely that he remembered his visit so vividly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimpi Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I am not trying to guilt him into staying... and understand his reasons for wanting to go for it. I just had to deal with my own feelings so I can support him. Luckily I am financially secure and if need be... could retire there if I wished in ten or so years...but at this moment it is his dream and not mine. He's a lovely young man and I am very proud of him... I will miss him lots. X Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimpi Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Thank you ...that was a very helpful and insightful post Rossy. It gives a different perspective to consider. Xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rossmoyne Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Rossmoyne I agree with your comments that you can identify with your son's new life having visited. We found the same when our daughter was in Mexico for 2 years after our visit there, and also when she lived in Nairobi, as we knew Nairobi quite well. It also works with our grandchildren, as even though they are only 7 & 5, they visited last year, and identify with the house and pool. Funnily enough the youngest announced recently that he wanted his next birthday at Underwater World! Not a cheap option, but lovely that he remembered his visit so vividly. Thank you... it is all about family love and supporting each other wherever they are.... it is all about well rounded people, whatever their relationship is to you, and respecting their views and what they want to do with their life. Unfortunately there are people who are just so central-concerned (read selfish) that this doesn't always happen. Their loss though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rossmoyne Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I am not trying to guilt him into staying... and understand his reasons for wanting to go for it. I just had to deal with my own feelings so I can support him. Luckily I am financially secure and if need be... could retire there if I wished in ten or so years...but at this moment it is his dream and not mine. He's a lovely young man and I am very proud of him... I will miss him lots. X Good on you kimpi.... you have the right attitude but I bet that he was so very nervous about telling you.... just support him... let him know how you will miss him... but also let him know that you support him all the way and will come visit him in Oz. hugs girl..... Rossy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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