Paul1Perth Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I've been in Aus for 4 years and luckily my parents haven't put any guilt trip on me, however I do worry about my parents (mum especially) & the future as my Sister has now moved here so they have 'lost' both their girls, and my brother who is in the UK with partner & little boy can be very unsupportive & selfish. I'm having a baby next year and my Sister is planning to start a family too - although my parents would never communicate their disappointment at us being so far away, I know they feel it. Saying that, they are currently here on their third trip to Melbourne & staying 5 months this time now they have retired - I wasn't sure they would be keen to make the journey but they love it here. They are both age 60 & I know the trips over will become increasingly difficult. I worry what will happen if they (or we) become sick. I guess you just have to be prepared to be flexible and review your situation when needed Are they staying with you for 5 months? That's a long time. We limited our parents to a month after both sets seemed to assume we would happily put them up for 3 months at a time. It's a recipe for strain on marriages and relationships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melbkitty Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Are they staying with you for 5 months? That's a long time. We limited our parents to a month after both sets seemed to assume we would happily put them up for 3 months at a time. It's a recipe for strain on marriages and relationships. Hi Paul - we are alternating between my Sister & I so the plan is 2 weeks at hers, 2 weeks at ours (she lives 2km away). They were here for 6 weeks last time & stayed solely with my Sister which I know was tough going so it's nice to be able to share the load! They will be here when the baby is born which I'm really happy about & leave a few weeks after - good timing really as I'll no doubt be overtired & irritable. They also have a few trips planned without us which will give us some time to ourselves. I was worried about how my fella would go as it's the first time he's met them but so far I can't get a word in edgeways when him, my dad and my Sister's partner are discussing the World. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Thank you so much to everyone who has replied, I am really touched how so many people have taken the time to read my post and give advice :-) I understand why my parents are upset and I feel very guilty at causing them this upset, however if we don't go I can honestly see it being one of the biggest regrets of my life and the last thing that I would want is to feel resentment towards them. We live in the same city but don't see each other all of the time, I think my parents just like to know that I am close by. My boyfriend and I are always feeling a pull back to Australia, so providing our visa gets granted we will go over and see how it goes..... Lakaal, KM75, Tina0101, Steve & Kirsty - I'm sorry to hear that you are going through something similar, hope it all goes ok, lots of luck xxxx Thanks once again for everyone's advice, it really helps to hear other peoples outlook on this xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blobby1000 Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Hello, my name is Katy and I am wanting to know if anyone is in a similar situation to me and how they coped with it, so here goes....(I apologize for rambling on). My boyfriend and I went on a working holiday visa to Melbourne, we lived there for 6 months (before going travelling for another 6 months) and both had jobs. We absolutely loved it there, the city is amazing, and there seems to be so much more to do there. We arrived back home in November last year, at first it was lovely to be home, to catch up with family and friends etc. After initially arriving back we started to really miss our life in Melbourne. 6 months later we decided that we wanted to go back and to apply for a skilled + spouse visa (my boyfriend works in engineering). Providing that everything visa wise goes ok, we hope to move there in July 2014. I was petrified about telling my parents as they were not too happy when I went away before. I plucked up the courage to tell them in May 2013 as I wanted to give them time to get used to the idea. They seemed to take the news well at first but then I telephoned them a couple of days later and my Dad told me that I had broken their hearts and put the phone down on me. I then called my sister who told me that they had not taken the news well. I immediately drove round to my parents. They shouted at me calling me a fool for dumping my family. They said so many hurtful things to me that I struggle to forget. They said that they are not sleeping and I am making them ill. They kept saying about how bad their childhoods were (as if I am to blame somehow). Sadly, before I was born my parents lost a young baby to cot death, my Dad told me that he had not cried so much since the baby died. They kept telling me how much pain I am causing, and that I am bringing a bereavement to them by leaving and that I will forget them. The list goes on and on with the things that they said to me. I was (and still am) so upset that they could think this way, I would never forget my family and want to skype frequently and visit when I can. My parents could come over for 3 months a year but they are not interested. They are also annoyed that we didn't tell them before making the decision, they believe that they should have been asked to help in our decision making. Deep down I don't think that this would've made much difference, probably worse cos they would have tried to persuade us and then be angry/upset because of us deciding to go despite what they think. Things are better now, we see each other and we act as if nothing ever happened. They never mention Australia and neither do I. However, my Mum has said that she is hoping that something happens to stop us from going. My other half's family have taken the news well and support our decision. I just feel so guilt ridden all of the time. It has deeply upset me and I will never fully get over it. I suppose that people react to things in a variety of ways. I understand why they are upset, it is because they love me and want me close, not thousands of miles away. Of course I will miss them so much, hence why I want to skype them a lot etc, my Dad says that I want to have my cake and eat it, and that they do not like skype. I used to be so excited about the prospect of emigrating to Oz, now it all has a sour taste, I have lost passion in pretty much everything and my boyfriend is worried about me. If anyone else is in my position please let me know how you coped with the guilt and upset. Thank you xxxx Yeah. We felt bad for the whole time we were in Australia. And, quite apart from that, we also really missed people. however, some people don't appear to miss anyone and don't appear to feel any guilt at all. after 2 years in Australia I concluded that only 2 types of people can make the move successful 1) people that learn to deal with those emotions, 2) people that don't give a toss about anyone, we never learned to deal with the emotions! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tingtongman Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Hi Katy, You need to do what you want to do with your life, it is not right that your family are using this as emotional black mail on you. I'm sure when they get used to the idea they will be fine, but they are just scared of losing you. Perhaps talk to them telling them that you can skype video call them every week etc etc. I think the main problem your family have is not that you want to go to Oz, but the fear of "losing" you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToowoombaBlue Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 Told my parents we were leaving for Brisbane in 6 months, they are devastated and my mum says that it feels like a bad dream. Oh dear! Wish me luck! They are 78 and 80 respectively, so I know exactly what they are thinking. Hopefully it going to get easier! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 When we left for Brisbane 7 years ago, my lovely father in law told relatives 'I'll never see them again' and he didn't... Hubby flew back for his funeral a few years later. But he wished us well on departure as he could see that we were keen to go - and he had lived a very full life by then. My own mum reacted by being depressed and angry - then in our absence became more independent. If we didn't come we would have continued looking after elderly parents (as well as young children) and I wanted to do something for me - We all have to please ourselves from time to time. When we return to the UK, my eldest child will probably stay here and it will break my heart not to be with her - but she is young, and keen to get on with her life and it's not for me to dictate where in the world she does this. It's sad and you will feel guilty, but you're not going to the moon and I think it is unfair to load all the grief on to you.... As I get older I find myself looking back and wishing I had followed my heart more and not put other peoples' desires or obligations in front of mine. I think you will be amazed at how well your parents come to terms with it, once you are here... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Roberto Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 We are going through the various stages of Guilt with family (my OH parents mostly) - they are great really, but are crying a lot and obviously very sad. There's no easy answer... just guilt. And we aren't even planning on staying forever, our house here is being rented out, and my wife's employers (the NHS) are keeping her job open for 5 years. But even then, it's still hard. We mostly going now because after this year we would have struggled to get the points for a visa. feel crap... I guess it's just the way it is. It's all booked and happening now, which is the point where the read sad voices seem to really start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Katey I wish u luck . I know first hand that guilt to the point I am not able to go because of it. Am enthused now after reading all these sweet posts ...it is soothing. Everyone is so nice on here with their responses take solis from from that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Out of interest how old are all these parents who are causing all these guilt trips? I am an older poster in my 70's with 3 children from the oldest age 43, and I have grandchildren in UK. there is no way on earth I would stop any of mine doing what they want to do! you are all adults with lives of your own to live as you think best. the only scenario that I could understand is if a parent has a terminal illness and you would understandably want to stay. In reverse we retired to Oz, on our own to have a new experience, all 3 of ours were living in UK at the time. None of our children did anything but encourage us, there. There was no guilt trip from them about leaving them behind!! our daughter has since lived in Mexico and Africa, and is now in Oz, we are so proud of her independence, and have loved visiting her in the first 2 countries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Out of interest how old are all these parents who are causing all these guilt trips?I am an older poster in my 70's with 3 children from the oldest age 43, and I have grandchildren in UK. there is no way on earth I would stop any of mine doing what they want to do! you are all adults with lives of your own to live as you think best. the only scenario that I could understand is if a parent has a terminal illness and you would understandably want to stay. In reverse we retired to Oz, on our own to have a new experience, all 3 of ours were living in UK at the time. None of our children did anything but encourage us, there. There was no guilt trip from them about leaving them behind!! our daughter has since lived in Mexico and Africa, and is now in Oz, we are so proud of her independence, and have loved visiting her in the first 2 countries. I don't have any sympathy for parents who act so selfishly. I had to wave goodbye to a 15 year old who wanted to go and live with her Father in Brisbane when she was just 15. Yes it hurt like hell and broke my heart. She would never have known that though. She knew she was loved and would be missed but she went with my best wishes. Both my eldest children are completely self sufficient and are free to explore their lives without any guilt and that's the way it will remain. Wouldn't mind seeing my Granddaughter more though :wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I don't have any sympathy for parents who act so selfishly. I had to wave goodbye to a 15 year old who wanted to go and live with her Father in Brisbane when she was just 15. Yes it hurt like hell and broke my heart. She would never have known that though. She knew she was loved and would be missed but she went with my best wishes. Both my eldest children are completely self sufficient and are free to explore their lives without any guilt and that's the way it will remain. Wouldn't mind seeing my Granddaughter more though :wink: i totally sympathise, our daughter was only 13 when we moved to Asia for my husbands work, and left her behind in boarding school for the first time, as at that time there was no schooling available there. You have to love them enough to let them go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Out of interest how old are all these parents who are causing all these guilt trips?I am an older poster in my 70's with 3 children from the oldest age 43, and I have grandchildren in UK. there is no way on earth I would stop any of mine doing what they want to do! you are all adults with lives of your own to live as you think best. the only scenario that I could understand is if a parent has a terminal illness and you would understandably want to stay. In reverse we retired to Oz, on our own to have a new experience, all 3 of ours were living in UK at the time. None of our children did anything but encourage us, there. There was no guilt trip from them about leaving them behind!! our daughter has since lived in Mexico and Africa, and is now in Oz, we are so proud of her independence, and have loved visiting her in the first 2 countries. Im with you! I'm only mid 60s though and would never expect my kids to either hang around or chase us across the world. My parents are now 91 and we care for them. My mother (who needs to be in a home TBH) hates that we are here interfering in her life but my dad (with all his marbles) is grateful we are but they never ever asked or expected it of us, we offered! I can see that if my son and daughter in law decided to move to Australia in the future my daughter in law's mother would be guilting far worse than any described on here - she's only 60 and isn't really coming to terms yet with the fact that the kids are moving outside the M25! You'd thing they were moving to Mars (she really is one of those "it's all about me" kinds!) and they're getting the same kinds of pressure applied. My daughter in law doesn't really have the guts to stick it up to her though and it's made harder because my son is often away for work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Out of interest how old are all these parents who are causing all these guilt trips?I am an older poster in my 70's with 3 children from the oldest age 43, and I have grandchildren in UK. there is no way on earth I would stop any of mine doing what they want to do! you are all adults with lives of your own to live as you think best. the only scenario that I could understand is if a parent has a terminal illness and you would understandably want to stay. In reverse we retired to Oz, on our own to have a new experience, all 3 of ours were living in UK at the time. None of our children did anything but encourage us, there. There was no guilt trip from them about leaving them behind!! our daughter has since lived in Mexico and Africa, and is now in Oz, we are so proud of her independence, and have loved visiting her in the first 2 countries. Yep! we are with you, Que Sera Sera and Quoll on this one for sure. Without doubt my parents would be upset if we did not lead our own life's and even more upset if they thought that they were the reason we would not do something. This we have passed on to our children too. Number 1 son stayed in the UK when we emigrated he had his own life on going, as time has gone on we now have grandchildren in the UK, and I tell you what, the time we have together with all our UK rellies now is something really special and filled us all with many enjoyable memories and not a single regret. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murta Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Totally Agree they shouldn't be like this but they are, my father is deceased 35 yrs when I was 5 and my mum was 41. Now 76, yes she has the big c but it is not terminal. But will not accept me going. i suppose it is the parent wen have and we can't stop them so those that have straightforward and accepting parents, be grateful that you have one less thing to tassel with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calNgary Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I wonder how many of the family members who let it be known they are not happy with migrating would put their lives on hold if they had the opportunity to do the same? I know 2 of my close rellies debated moving to Aus years ago and didnt due to family/parents, time passed,they stayed put and it is something they regretted every day since. Yes they were sad we were leaving but there were happy for us too and helped us with everything they could when we made the move. Cal x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.