jaxcooper Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Ok I am in turmoil and I could really do with some opinions please to help me to clear my head. Basically, i have always wanted to live in Australia. I moved away from the UK when I was 17 until I was 27, returned and married my husband 1 year later. Basically here I am aged 37, wishing I'd never came back to this country. Hubby knows I don't want to be here. In 2009 we came to Oz so we could see it 'in the flesh' so to speak and I fell so head ove heels with the place it's crazy. I felt like I'd come home! Hubby loved it too but suddenly panicked at the distance he'd be from his elderly parents so we decided to sit on it for a couple of years. I have not stopped thinking of the move at all. I have had just about enough of this country now and I have treid to speak to Hubby about it. He says he wants us to make the move but he doesn't want to go until his parents aren't around anymore. One part of me completely understands this, the other part is silently cross! He used to see his parents once every few months when I met him. I encouraged more regular visits as I do understand the importance of family but what about our family now? Our children are nearly 5 and 7. My daughter is being moved up an extra school year in September so she will go to secondry school here when she is 10. I really wanted us to move before they start secondry school as I feel it will be less disruptive for them whilst they are still juniors. His parents may be around another 10 years or more. The kids are fed up, I'm fed up but am I wrong in asking him to move before they go? My head is in a mess- please share your opinions with me whether I am right or wrong. I can't ask anyone here and even if I could they'd probably have a personal agenda when advising too. Thanks guys Jacqui ( a definate whinging pom right now! ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perthbum Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Why are the kids fed up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Claire101 Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Hi Jacqui We too have elderly parents and worry about leaving them, however... my hubby has a brother in Sydney and he comes back to the UK for a visit every year, usually for 3 or 4 weeks. During that time he takes his mother away for a week, does jobs around the house for her etc. and to be honest, he probably spends more quality time with her each year than we manage from 100 miles away! Have you discussed a potential move with his parents? You may find that they would totally support your efforts to provide a better life for your children and wouldn't have a problem with it at all. I know our parents are fully supportive, of course they'd miss us but they understand that we need to live for ourselves and not for them. I really feel for you, after all your hubby's first priority should be you and the kids and if you're really that miserable then surely he can see that he's going to end up miserable too if you stay?! If he's anything like my other half then just keep drip-feeding him positive info about oz until he decides it's his great idea to go!! All the best, Claire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galahad Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 "..... My head is in a mess- please share your opinions with me whether I am right or wrong ....." Hi Jacqui, First - there IS no right or wrong in this.... so no-one can tell you that.... I completely 'get' how trapped you feel for hundreds of reasons... but whatever you do needs to be talked through carefully with your husband & with great regard for his concerns.... A lot depends on issues like - is your husband an only child - does he feel totally responsible for his parents welfare in later life - are there brothers &/or sisters who could reassure him...? Has anyone actually talked to his parents about the desire to go to Australia ? What are their feelings ? Are they 'young elderly' or 'very elderly' ? Forgive me if you feel you've done all that - I'm just trying to let you know that your feelings are not 'shocking' or 'wrong' & that hopefully this is a safe place to talk..... All the best..... I'm sure you'll have lots of advice from people here......:hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MackyD Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 You can't live your life waiting on your parents to 'free' you. You only get one shot at this - live your life. We've left behind close friends and family but we left for us and our kids; not to get away from anything/one but to try something new and, maybe, offer our kids a better lifestyle. We'll miss everyone of course but that's life. We'll do our best to keep in touch but accept it will be difficult. My parents got the chance to come to Oz and they didn't because my mum didn't want to leave her mum. As a result, we grew up in a Glasgow ghetto - supy-twist :biggrin: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
collip99 Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 I agree with Macky D. Of course it's very hard, my wife and I are facing the same prospect. When I'm feeling pulled I try to focus on family...that means, my wife, me and our nearly five year old son. My parents understand and with Skype etc we'll probably have more contact in Aus than we do here. Take heart, JaxCooper...it will resolve and you're doing the right thing IMHO Phil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 It is awful living in a place you dont want to be but which is more important to you? the people in it or the place you live your life in? If you force your husband away when he assumes some sort of responsibility for his parents then you may well end up with a relationship in tatters especially if it all goes pear shaped with them. Of course you cant put your life on hold but perhaps you and he need to go to counselling to see if there is some sort of compromise situation you can come to. I am an only child and we are now living with my parents because they are no longer able to live independently without support - albeit it minimal - at the moment. Seeing the relief for my dad has been worth all the traumas we get from my mum (who hates not being independent) and my Aussie DH, who vowed he would never live in UK has been fabulous. You just have to do what is right for you and that may be looking after the other important people in your life and not chasing rainbows. Life is what happens when you are busy making plans right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legoman Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 its a two way thing, maybe he is using the parents as an excuse not to go, to fire in and say you should etc tetc could leave the man feeling the same on this side of the world why are the kids fed up, have you been driving oz down their throats everyday?. if you are its not fair on any of them and they will pick up any friction in the home. marriage is give n take but to try and force someone to move the other side of the world is a little too one way. have a good talk ( without he kids ) and put the idea to bed for a while if he still says not yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 I think your husband's strong sense of responsibility to his parents is something that is very commendable, shows what a caring man he is. Your kids are fine, they will not suffer by not being in Australia, it is quite ridiculous to suggest this, millions of children in UK and they turn out just fine. I am puzzled by your comments that the kids are fed up, but if they are this is only negativity off you, try setting a more positive example. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B1K3R Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Wow how much I understand you!!! I'm in the same situation. After 10 years feeling down and finally persuading my wife to move, we did the move on Jan 2011. She 'did' her best to stay and be happy but after 5 months she fell into a nasty depression (since she wanted to be with her family and friends) and moved back with our 5 year old daughter for a little 'break', supposedly. I stayed on to see how things would unfold as I was finally settled in OZ. It was like I was in paradise!!! But, 3 months on and she never came back... It was either me in OZ by myself (would not separate the daughter from her mother) or me suck it up and go back to the dump (by the way, I am not British and not talking about the UK). So I packed all our stuff and went back. She is happy now, our daughter loved both OZ and here....me, miserable. But I chose to be with them as opposed to abandoning them (or did they abandon me?). Whatever. The bottom line is, I won't abandon my little princess. Would I do it again? NO. The stress I went through, the difficulties, the money I lost in thin air...not worth it for me. Now I have a less paid job, don't have the motorbike I had, my credit cards are blown and my current account -ve. This might not apply to you, as people are different...all I am saying is that talk it well with him, make sure he knows how you feel and if you move he has to be sure, or at least able to try for a while to be happy there. If you try moving, try to keep the expenses down. For example, don't take all the stuff to OZ with you. Store all the stuff if you can and then take them after. People have different priorities. It's obvious that the parents are very important to your husband and thus he wont be happy far away from them. While you are happy there. Hehe, I understand you! But there is no easy solution. It's either me happy in OZ and she sad and vice-versa and it could be the same for you. Mabye not! Now the following is my personal view on life, but I am still going to share it. I believe that we live forever, that this life is like a day at school. We are here to learn from all the experiences we go through and that the most important things are Love and Forgiveness. Nowadays, I try to take my decisions out of Love, I try to grow and help others to grow too. It's a tough journey and one that is worth it when we go back home Nothing happens as a coincidence. This happen so that we learn for our eternal life. (OK, it might be BS for you but that's how I see it.) Good luck and take care Cheers Wonderer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaxcooper Posted June 22, 2012 Author Share Posted June 22, 2012 Ok I understand your points. I have not even discussed Australia with the children. That would be wrong at this stage. I would only discuss it with the children once my Husband and I had decided together and that is is a definate yes. They are fed up because they, as individuals, are fed up of the constant rain and lack of things to do that don't cost a fortune. I always tell them it's not that bad, that there are other things to do, etc to keep them occupied and happy- I never inflict my feeling onto them. I am a hypnotherapist and I see the result of people inflicting their own views on the children, emotionally twisting them up and I would NEVER do that to mine. I keep a happy face on for the whole world which is why I've chosen to come on here, where I am not dragging anyone here into my thoughts and inner sadness. I also wouldn't force my husband to go anywhere that he doesn't want to go. He says he wants to go ...one day... If I were that selfish I would have started the visa process 3 years ago when we came back from Oz. My father in law has rapid onset dementia. My mother in law is a wonderful woman who , by her own admission, has given up all her lifes dreams to please her husband. She is 80 and is waiting for the day that she can live her life again as he has been a very controlling man. I have told my husband that I would be more than happy to take his Mum with us. She would probably relish the idea, whether it be permanantly or for several months a year. My Husband didn't seem so keen. He doesn have a brother who he rarely sees who lives 2 minutes walk from their parents. I do not want to make him move tomorrow- the visa process is likely to take a few years from start to finish, especially with the new rules in July. I have given him so plenty of chances to tell me if he is not up for emigrating. He assures me he is. He just won't say when and I'm worried that if we wait another 10 years we'll be too old- he is 42. Our chances of getting in will be a lot slimmer and it will be more difficult for the children if they are in their late teens I'm sure. I love my husband, I love our amazing children. All our friends live miles away from us now and we already have friends in Australia. I am just panicking about the potential 10 or 15 year wait and all that can happen in between. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaxcooper Posted June 22, 2012 Author Share Posted June 22, 2012 Thanks Wonderer, I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Your daughter is lucky to have a Dad that adores her so much and I can only hope for you that one day when she is older she may want to emigrate and take you with her ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B1K3R Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Thanks Wonderer, I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Your daughter is lucky to have a Dad that adores her so much and I can only hope for you that one day when she is older she may want to emigrate and take you with her ;-) Thanks, it's a dreadful feeling I know. But the my outlook on life and keeping positive helps a lot My little princess loved it there to bits but my wife said she would not set foot there again, hehe. I see you are hypnotherapist...cool...you don't do past life regressions do ye? I know, they are not proved to be real yet, but I find the subject quite interesting! Cheers Wonderer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaxcooper Posted June 22, 2012 Author Share Posted June 22, 2012 Thanks, it's a dreadful feeling I know. But the my outlook on life and keeping positive helps a lot My little princess loved it there to bits but my wife said she would not set foot there again, hehe. I see you are hypnotherapist...cool...you don't do past life regressions do ye? I know, they are not proved to be real yet, but I find the subject quite interesting! Cheers Wonderer Hehe Yes I do- even I find them wierd- hearing some of the stuff that people come out with is very interesting. I don't know whether it's real or not, all I know is that whatever people say during regression comes from within their own minds and it's fascinating! ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B1K3R Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Hehe Yes I do- even I find them weird- hearing some of the stuff that people come out with is very interesting. I don't know whether it's real or not, all I know is that whatever people say during regression comes from within their own minds and it's fascinating! ;-) Darn! Wish I lived close by to come for a session. We do not have any here that to them. Yeah, guess it's hard to confirm if it's real or not but I have read some accounts (where some tests were done) where the information received was actually compared to real accounts or places and it matched! Interesting indeed. And sorry for going off topic, I will stop now. Cheers Wonderer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legoman Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 especially the people who talk fluently in a foreign language whilst under. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freckleface Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 I don't pretend to have any answers for you (it is a tricky problem) but wanted to say I don't think you are selfish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galahad Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 ".....I am puzzled by your comments that the kids are fed up, but if they are this is only negativity off you, try setting a more positive example......" OUCH ! Rupert - bit harsh ! From a little guy in a yellow scarf from Nutwood ! :animal-bear: But the little :animal-bear: is right about your husbands commendable sense of responsibility of course.... & I'm sure you appreciate that... ".....I am just panicking about the potential 10 or 15 year wait and all that can happen in between....." And it's this sense of panic which is taking hold right now - it's not easy - been there....it can descend in the dark watches of the night & grips like a ten ton vice.... Anyone that's felt that will understand..... It does take hard work & a lot of focus to pull out of it - but I think you're doing everything you can do.... I think it's unlikely your husband will be willing to leave his father or mother in the present situation - later on if he sees your Mother-in-law feeling freer, he may feel different too.... Don't worry about the children - they can adapt at any age.... I agree with Quoll - feeling trapped in somewhere you don't want to be can be the most dreadful feeling - you just need to talk, talk & talk some more - be heard..... In the meantime you are doing the 'right thing' by your family every time you get up in the morning to care for them. Know that & know it always. B1K3R - WOW !! You really have lived this movie, haven't you ?:yes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B1K3R Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 B1K3R - WOW !! You really have lived this movie, haven't you ?:yes: Yes mate, one of the worst movies of my life. I would call it..."Back to Hell II". Now I'm filming "Escaping from Hell II" :biglaugh: Yes, I had filmed version 'I' too. No seriously, being stuck and unhappy somewhere is quite nasty. But will try to make lemonade out of the lemons. One should never give up. I know, we don't understand at times (or most of it!) but I have a feeling that things happen for a reason (sour grapes? maybe, but it's good to be positive). Cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Without being morbid, I would think with rapid onset dementia your FIL will end up in some sort of permanent care sooner rather than later. Could you not bring the mother to Australia with you? At least for a few months? My Dad emigrated after Mum died at the age of 80 and he had the time of his life- loved it here so much he often said he wished he had put his foot down and come out years before. He died after being here for 5 years and he died a happy man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galahad Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 ".....(sour graphs? maybe, but it's good to be positive)......" OOOOh - that's a new one on me B1K3R - is that when the prognosis goes 'off' on its own downward spiral & the situation stinks & then you come up smelling of roses ?:huh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaxcooper Posted June 22, 2012 Author Share Posted June 22, 2012 Without being morbid, I would think with rapid onset dementia your FIL will end up in some sort of permanent care sooner rather than later. Could you not bring the mother to Australia with you? At least for a few months? My Dad emigrated after Mum died at the age of 80 and he had the time of his life- loved it here so much he often said he wished he had put his foot down and come out years before. He died after being here for 5 years and he died a happy man. That's a brilliant story about your Dad, thank you for sharing. I can imagine the same with my mother in law :-) Hubby is fine with leaving his Dad and I really do understand that he worries about leaving his Mum. I would be happy to take her with us, not a problem at all. I did mention it to him but I don't think he took it seriously. I too would be leaving family who I absolutely love but my focus is on our immediate family unit and what's best for all 4 of us, not just me, not just the children. My husband is scared of moving, I understand that and I guess I'm just going to have to put my own feelings to one side whilst he works out his. Thanks to those of you who didn't judge me for asking the question and who gave me solid advice. As always, a wonderful support network when you can't talk to anyone closeby x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B1K3R Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 ".....(sour graphs? maybe, but it's good to be positive)......" OOOOh - that's a new one on me B1K3R - is that when the prognosis goes 'off' on its own downward spiral & the situation stinks & then you come up smelling of roses ?:huh: Have you ever heard of spelling mistakes dear Galahad? That's no new at all Man, I love the English language (which is not my native) as one can play with it in many different ways. ....and stop going off topic :tongue: Jacqui, you have every right to feel like that and do not feel bad or guilty about it. You seem quite an honest loving person, you love your family dearly and I can imagine that you and your husband will find a good solution one of these days. There is nothing better than honesty, love and acceptance of your destiny Cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galahad Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 Jacqui, you sound a lovely person - I'm sure you'll all work it out harmoniously..... would love to know how you progress.... from here to there or any which way you go... :hug: B1K3R - Spoilsprot !! :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whoiam Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 That's a brilliant story about your Dad, thank you for sharing. I can imagine the same with my mother in law :-) Hubby is fine with leaving his Dad and I really do understand that he worries about leaving his Mum. I would be happy to take her with us, not a problem at all. I did mention it to him but I don't think he took it seriously. I too would be leaving family who I absolutely love but my focus is on our immediate family unit and what's best for all 4 of us, not just me, not just the children. My husband is scared of moving, I understand that and I guess I'm just going to have to put my own feelings to one side whilst he works out his. Thanks to those of you who didn't judge me for asking the question and who gave me solid advice. As always, a wonderful support network when you can't talk to anyone closeby x Sometimes men just like the status quo--they'd rather just sail along happily as they are, than have to think and then execute any move. You know your husband well--does he fall into that group? if so things are not that bad--a slow and steady hypnosis + a few mates nudging him in the right direction can have the desired effect---Can tell I'm talking from experience:biggrin: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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