Regret

[Plinky]

Moved back to UK 5 months ago after many years in Oz. Husband says he hates it in UK. I thought the kids were doing ok but they have now both separately broken down in tears saying they miss their best friends, the beach, the outdoor swimming pools. We moved back at my request and longing to spend time with and look after grandparents in old age, let them see more of the grand kids who are not yet teenagers. 
My job is harder here and I’m feeling a huge huge dose of regret and a what have I done? My other half says “it’s done now”. My heart is breaking. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. Whatever I do now will cause pain to someone. I am so sad. I feel panic rising in my chest and my heart hurts.  

Edited October 2, 2023 by Plinky

[Quoll]

10 minutes ago, Plinky said:

Moved back to UK 5 months ago after many years in Oz. Husband says he hates it in UK. I thought the kids were doing ok but they have now both separately broken down in tears saying they miss their best friends, the beach, the outdoor swimming pools. We moved back at my request and longing to spend time with and look after grandparents in old age, let them see more of the grand kids who are not yet teenagers. 
My job is harder here and I’m feeling a huge huge dose of regret and a what have I done? My other half says “it’s done now”. My heart is breaking. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. Whatever I do now will cause pain to someone. I am so sad. I feel panic rising in my chest and my heart hurts.  

It’s always hard to compare the bad of the now with the good of the then, unfortunately. You’re still in the early stages, my guess is that your DH is spreading his dissatisfaction onto the kids too. Kids who move in the opposite direction often have the same regrets at missing family, friends, their schools etc but they get used to it. Caring for elderly parents is a thankless task at the best of times. My husband always said he would hate living back in England and he couldn’t do it, but we did it, to care for elderly parents (only child) but he adopted a positive mind set and ended up loving it. 
Grandparents won’t be around for ever and Australia isn’t going anywhere. 

[Marisawright]

Your husband is right. It's done, you can't afford to uproot everyone and move back now. 

You could however PLAN to go back at some future date, which would give everyone something to look forward to/work towards, and that can make a tough situation much more bearable. Worth a thought?

 

Edited October 2, 2023 by Marisawright

[InnerVoice]

4 hours ago, Marisawright said:

Your husband is right. It's done, you can't afford to uproot everyone and move back now. 

You could however PLAN to go back at some future date, which would give everyone something to look forward to/work towards, and that can make a tough situation much more bearable. Worth a thought?

 

How do you know this? You might well be correct, but the OP hasn't said that. What they did mention in a post 3 years ago was that they were applying for Australian citizenship, so one assumes that they all have that now, so there's no barrier to them returning in that respect.

It sounds like everyone is unhappy being be back in the UK, even the OP, who thought she would be happy - and they haven't even done a British winter yet. Personally I'd be looking at the logistics of returning to Australia while they still have the impetus. They wouldn't be the first family to 'ping' to the UK and then 'pong' back here straight away, and they certainly won't be the last. There's absolutely no shame in it.

Maybe they should give it a while longer and see if they feel more settled in time, but if they don't then they shouldn't leave it too long before trying to return. The likelihood is that housing is only likely to get more expensive and unaffordable over here when compared to the UK.

[InnerVoice]

6 hours ago, Quoll said:

You’re still in the early stages, my guess is that your DH is spreading his dissatisfaction onto the kids too.

That's pure conjecture, but if we're having guesses then mine is that the kids are unhappy in their own right. It sounds like they've swapped a great lifestyle in Australia for a fairly average one in the UK, not to mention leaving established friendship groups behind. We don't know how old they are or what they are like, so we can't really judge how much it has affected them. It sounds like the OP's husband made an incredibly selfless decision in agreeing to return to support his wife and her family, and is clearly very frustrated that no one is happy.

[calNgary]

8 hours ago, Plinky said:

Moved back to UK 5 months ago after many years in Oz. Husband says he hates it in UK. I thought the kids were doing ok but they have now both separately broken down in tears saying they miss their best friends, the beach, the outdoor swimming pools. We moved back at my request and longing to spend time with and look after grandparents in old age, let them see more of the grand kids who are not yet teenagers. 
My job is harder here and I’m feeling a huge huge dose of regret and a what have I done? My other half says “it’s done now”. My heart is breaking. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. Whatever I do now will cause pain to someone. I am so sad. I feel panic rising in my chest and my heart hurts.  

Hi you have only been back 5 months so everyone is still adjusting, i would try to give it a little more time before making any permanent decisions.

Your husband is incorrect stating 'well its done now', yes it is done but it doesnt have to be forever if none of you are happy. Taking a hit finacially is nothing compared to your hapiness and mental health. LOTS of familys succesfully Ping Pong so you wouldnt be the first.

I would have a chat with the grandparents to see what they have to say (mine stated we were not to stay in the UK for them but they had planned to move here years before and didnt due to their parents, a regret they always had) i would then sit and have a chat with hubby about staying a few more months and things still havent looked up for you all ,moving back to Aus. This would also give you a few months to save like crazy to get some funds behind you.

Im unsre how old your children are BUT what if in a few years they decided to upsticks and move back here, would you and could you be happy in the UK if that happened?

More than anything if you are feeling down, please see a Dr, your health is more important than where you live.

   Good luck with everything and we are always here if you need to vent, yell and scream,haha

                  Cal x

[Blue Manna]

9 hours ago, Plinky said:

Moved back to UK 5 months ago after many years in Oz. Husband says he hates it in UK. I thought the kids were doing ok but they have now both separately broken down in tears saying they miss their best friends, the beach, the outdoor swimming pools. We moved back at my request and longing to spend time with and look after grandparents in old age, let them see more of the grand kids who are not yet teenagers. 
My job is harder here and I’m feeling a huge huge dose of regret and a what have I done? My other half says “it’s done now”. My heart is breaking. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. Whatever I do now will cause pain to someone. I am so sad. I feel panic rising in my chest and my heart hurts.  

We are often driven by things we can't control and what we perceive to be the ideal may not turn out to be that great in the reality. But you don't know that until you suck it and see. Don't beat yourself up. You're certainly not the first to make this decision, regret it, and then have to decide on a course of action. 

You've hurt your kids. Ok. But we do that all the time. We have to make judgement calls everyday, and hindsight is 20/20. What we think will happen ain't always so. We're not fortune tellers. Make it the best you can for them.

What you actually do will come down to money. If you can no longer afford to recreate your previous lifestyle, if the kids can't get back in the same school, you can't get the same jobs, you could make things worse. So plan. Don't react.

You've had some good advice, and some not so good advice above. I'll let you sort which is which. But don't panic and make things worse than they already are. Plan and work towards making things better. Regrets are only of value if we learn from them.

Edited October 3, 2023 by Blue Manna

[TravelingJason]

5 months is a pretty long time to be miserable somewhere. If your husband says "It's done now.", then does that mean that moving back isn't easy to pull off? Let us know how you're doing so that we can try to help as much as we can.

Sending you and your family hugs from the land down under.

[Amber Snowball]

11 hours ago, Blue Manna said:

We are often driven by things we can't control and what we perceive to be the ideal may not turn out to be that great in the reality. But you don't know that until you suck it and see. Don't beat yourself up. You're certainly not the first to make this decision, regret it, and then have to decide on a course of action. 

You've hurt your kids. Ok. But we do that all the time. We have to make judgement calls everyday, and hindsight is 20/20. What we think will happen ain't always so. We're not fortune tellers. Make it the best you can for them.

What you actually do will come down to money. If you can no longer afford to recreate your previous lifestyle, if the kids can't get back in the same school, you can't get the same jobs, you could make things worse. So plan. Don't react.

You've had some good advice, and some not so good advice above. I'll let you sort which is which. But don't panic and make things worse than they already are. Plan and work towards making things better. Regrets are only of value if we learn from them.

“Plan, don’t react “. Best advice of the day.

[Parley]

The exchange rate looks pretty good for a return to Australia.

Nearly 2 dollars to the pound.

[wattsy1982]

For what its worth I think you should go for it again. I think once you know you know.

We moved to Aus is 2013, then back to UK in 2018. I was homesick for the UK most of that time and in we returned.

I knew we'd made the wrong decision before our furniture had even arrived back from Aus but just kept face as it was my decision to return home.

In the end (after we'd been back about a year) I told my wife I thought we'd made a mistake and as much as she loved Aus and didnt want to leave she said she couldnt face the upheaval again (at that time) and risk me being homesock again.

Life took over and here we are, still in UK, having been back 5.5 years but I miss Aus most days. The weather, opportunities, beach, less stress (rat race) things that I didnt appreciate until I moved back and probably wouldnt have done if wed stayed.

In the last couple of months my wife and I have started mentioning returning to Aus and it seems more serious now, not just a throw away comment.

Our kids are 14, 11 and 6 so were conscious of the 14 year starting year 10 in (sept 2024 in UK or Jan 2025 in Aus) so need to have made a decision by then and I personally feel thats our last chance as by the time eldest has finished school the middle child will be in year 10 and so on with the youngest.

Its a terrible quandary to be in and  say most days I wish we'd never gone in a way as we would never know what it was like but hey ho, the curse of migrating etc.

Who knows what 2024 and beyond will bring but like I said at the start of this post I think once you know you know but you have to all be on the same page so resentment doesn't set in.

I wish you all the best in whatever you choose and hope it works out.

[Marisawright]

@wattsy1982, the best reply I can give is the one I gave when you posted 3 years ago:

On 20/01/2020 at 11:11, Marisawright said:

Are you absolutely sure you didn't try to settle, or was it really because your homesickness was so powerful, you couldn't settle?    If you were being bolshie and not trying, then you'll make a go of it the second time.  If you were horribly homesick, that feeling will return just as strongly the next time - it won't matter how fantastic life is in Australia, it will all feel empty because you're not where you belong.  And that feeling never goes away.

I give that warning because sometimes when we have a row, my OH throws that "you didn't try" argument at me (we tried to settle in the UK a few years ago), and now the memories are fading, I'm almost starting to believe him.   I think back on our time in the UK and think, I can remember some nice walks and we had a nice home, and....maybe I'm exaggerating and it wasn't that bad?  Maybe I didn't try hard enough? 

And yet I know I wasn't making it up, because I also  remember waking up one night in our flat in Southampton, and thinking the easiest solution would be to jump off the balcony.  That was the catalyst that made me insist on returning to Australia.  

So i guess my message is, don't underestimate the power of rose-coloured glasses.  It's human nature to remember the good bits.

[wattsy1982]

On 28/12/2023 at 00:20, Marisawright said:

@wattsy1982, the best reply I can give is the one I gave when you posted 3 years ago:

I think the main reason was last time I was missing things that we used to do here but since moving away and then coming back we dont do anymore.

I can hand on heart say I didnt throw myself into it last time, kept working my UK job remotely for the duration of our stay so was mainly speaking to UK people and worked funny hours to mirror the hours.

Anyway, now off to watch football (Ipswich Town V QPR) as me and my 2 boys have season tickets which is something we really enjoy doing here together.

Happy new year to all.

Heres to 2024.

[Cheery Thistle]

On 28/12/2023 at 00:20, Marisawright said:

@wattsy1982, the best reply I can give is the one I gave when you posted 3 years ago:

@Marisawright Southampton. I think we have identified the problem. 

[Marisawright]

7 hours ago, Cheery Thistle said:

@Marisawright Southampton. I think we have identified the problem. 

Some truth in that, it's irrelevant to this discussion. My point is that since coming back to Australia, I've been like @wattsy1982, wondering about trying it again.   Not because I have the slightest desire to move back, but because I feel guilty that I forced my oh back to Australia, when he'd much rather be near Europe.  So because I feel guilty, I try to talk myself into thinking it wasn't as bad as I remembered, because we all want to make our partner happy, right? 

I suspect Wattsy is in exactly the same boat, I remember him saying he "felt really bad" about making his wife move back to the UK when she loved her life in Australia.  I hope he'll go back and read some of his old posts on this forum when he was still living in Australia and having feelings like this:

On 03/04/2017 at 13:06, wattsy1982 said:

@TopTohScnal I think when you know you know. I started feeling like you at the 8 month mark, Aus wasn't impressing me how I thought it would and the novelty of the beaches and heat/sun had worn off and I started thinking about what I had given up and what I'd gained.

People on here said the same to me (probably the same people who have commented to you) it takes time, you will feel better in x months, making new friends here will help, new job etc........

fast forward 3 years and I still feel the same, if not worse as I am now thinking about the time ive wasted here (strong word to use...maybe not wasted but you get what i mean) Ive tried soccer clubs, gyms, golf clubs, both kids have started school here and not met any parents live clicked with, weve even built a house here hoping that would change things but no, still feel the same. 

The wake up call for me was when my wife found out we were expecting our 3rd child (due this july) I suddenly thought do i really want me baby growing up here, another child growing up not knowing family, not having grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins at their birthday parties and xmas, no extended family to watch their sports day or school play....and after those thoughts had it me I realised how i really felt, what I wanted and realised I wasnt ever going to settle/be content here.

We are going to apply for citizenship here in July then heads home.

Its been an adventure but as a family unit home and family means more than sunshine and a beach.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

[InnerVoice]

16 hours ago, Cheery Thistle said:

@Marisawright Southampton. I think we have identified the problem. 

That's a bit harsh - it's not like you live in Saint-Tropez! 

[Cheery Thistle]

33 minutes ago, InnerVoice said:

That's a bit harsh - it's not like you live in Saint-Tropez! 

A Scot in Southampton though. 

[Cheery Thistle]

8 hours ago, Marisawright said:

Some truth in that, it's irrelevant to this discussion. My point is that since coming back to Australia, I've been like @wattsy1982, wondering about trying it again.   Not because I have the slightest desire to move back, but because I feel guilty that I forced my oh back to Australia, when he'd much rather be near Europe.  So because I feel guilty, I try to talk myself into thinking it wasn't as bad as I remembered, because we all want to make our partner happy, right? 

I suspect Wattsy is in exactly the same boat, I remember him saying he "felt really bad" about making his wife move back to the UK when she loved her life in Australia.  I hope he'll go back and read some of his old posts on this forum when he was still living in Australia and having feelings like this:

I do get that and I’ve thought about it for my wee girl. Bottom line is only really one close friend and my Dad are really interested. The rest of our siblings all do their own thing, not sure if it’s because we’re both the youngest by quite some margin. Hopefully we will make some pals but who knows. It sounds like Wattsy gave it a really good go and at least they have citizenship if they ever want to go back. 

[InnerVoice]

On 28/12/2023 at 09:16, wattsy1982 said:

For what its worth I think you should go for it again. I think once you know you know.

I knew we'd made the wrong decision before our furniture had even arrived back from Aus but just kept face as it was my decision to return home.

In the end (after we'd been back about a year) I told my wife I thought we'd made a mistake and as much as she loved Aus and didnt want to leave she said she couldnt face the upheaval again (at that time) and risk me being homesock again.

In the last couple of months my wife and I have started mentioning returning to Aus and it seems more serious now, not just a throw away comment.

Our kids are 14, 11 and 6 so were conscious of the 14 year starting year 10 in (sept 2024 in UK or Jan 2025 in Aus) so need to have made a decision by then and I personally feel thats our last chance as by the time eldest has finished school the middle child will be in year 10 and so on with the youngest.

@wattsy1982 apologies for cherry-picking your post, but clearly you're on the cusp of deciding whether to return to Australia or not. Based on the few sentences above it seems like a no-brainer, and you should give it another whirl. But then I don't know you from Adam, so all I would say is that if you're seriously considering returning then do it as soon as possible. You children are at that lovely age where you're still one big family unit, but 2-3 years from now you may well find that your oldest is more independent and doesn't want to return here. Don't place too much importance on what year the kids are in at school, as it will have little difference in the grand scheme of things - and this is coming from a high school teacher. Children are very adaptable, and as long as they are happy and don't miss too much school, they will fulfil their potential in a different educational system.

Edited December 30, 2023 by InnerVoice

[Marisawright]

On 30/12/2023 at 21:15, Cheery Thistle said:

A Scot in Southampton though. 

Ah, that's where you've got the wrong idea.   I grew up in Scotland but I don't feel particularly Scottish.  I had to have speech therapy when I was little and as a result, my accent almost disappeared (if you've ever heard Annie Lennox speak, I sounded like her before I moved to Oz, and I now have an Aussie twang on top of that).  I had severe asthma until I grew out of it at 17 and as a result, didn't get out and about much.  As a result, I barely know my way around my own home town.  I moved to London at 19, then to Bristol, loved both places.   Reluctantly moved back to Scotland in my 20s due to hubby's job, but then I was off to Africa and after that, Australia.   

So if I was going to move back to the UK it was always going to be England, but I agree Southampton was a bad choice.  

[Jon the Hat]

On 30/12/2023 at 00:27, wattsy1982 said:

I think the main reason was last time I was missing things that we used to do here but since moving away and then coming back we dont do anymore.

I can hand on heart say I didnt throw myself into it last time, kept working my UK job remotely for the duration of our stay so was mainly speaking to UK people and worked funny hours to mirror the hours.

Anyway, now off to watch football (Ipswich Town V QPR) as me and my 2 boys have season tickets which is something we really enjoy doing here together.

Happy new year to all.

Heres to 2024.

Aren't Ipswich having an amazing season?  I'm a Leicester fan so quite relieved you have dropped off a bit but hope you make it back to the Prem with us!

[ramot]

48 minutes ago, Jon the Hat said:

Aren't Ipswich having an amazing season?  I'm a Leicester fan so quite relieved you have dropped off a bit but hope you make it back to the Prem with us!

Nottingham Forest sad supporter 

[Jon the Hat]

12 minutes ago, ramot said:

Nottingham Forest sad supporter 

You will stay up I think, bottom 3 are certainly worse than you!

[Cheery Thistle]

On 31/12/2023 at 22:16, Marisawright said:

Ah, that's where you've got the wrong idea.   I grew up in Scotland but I don't feel particularly Scottish.  I had to have speech therapy when I was little and as a result, my accent almost disappeared (if you've ever heard Annie Lennox speak, I sounded like her before I moved to Oz, and I now have an Aussie twang on top of that).  I had severe asthma until I grew out of it at 17 and as a result, didn't get out and about much.  As a result, I barely know my way around my own home town.  I moved to London at 19, then to Bristol, loved both places.   Reluctantly moved back to Scotland in my 20s due to hubby's job, but then I was off to Africa and after that, Australia.   

So if I was going to move back to the UK it was always going to be England, but I agree Southampton was a bad choice.  

Must literally be the only Scottish person I’ve come across that doesn’t ‘feel’ Scottish. It’s what we’re famous for! 

[Marisawright]

1 hour ago, Cheery Thistle said:

Must literally be the only Scottish person I’ve come across that doesn’t ‘feel’ Scottish. It’s what we’re famous for! 

Very likely.  I have never been homesick in all my travels, and if my family didn't live there, doubt I would ever have visited again after I left.

The only time I feel remotely Scottish is when people call the UK "England".

Edited January 10 by Marisawright