Do the goodbyes ever get easier? Help!

[aconcannon]

My husband & I have been happily living in

Sydney (no kids) for the last 3 years. During that time we’ve been back to the UK to visit twice (once on a planned trip & once for a funeral). No family have been over to visit us, only friends. We’re currently in the UK & have been for the past 8 weeks! We are inbetween moving from Sydney to the Gold Coast which is how we were able to have the extended trip home.

 

We fly back to Australia tomorrow and the guilt is already eating away at me, and has been for a good few days!! Why do the goodbyes never get easier? Will they ever get easier?

 

I sit & look at my parents, with their new wrinkles & ailments, their older faces from the last time I saw them & I wonder what they’ll be like next time I see them? I wonder will I ever seen them again? My mums had 2 cancer scares recently, amongst other major health concerns & I worry will there be a day I get the dreaded call & have to give up my life In Australia to come home to look after them? My brother also lives abroad & im the only girl so this would be expected of me. I see the sadness in their eyes that our time together is coming to a close. I’ve promised I’ll be home Xmas of next year, but I know they worry they may not be here & maybe this is the last time they’ll see me. I can’t help but to break down in tears when im out of the room as the guilt of leaving them & knowing that I’m hurting them overpowers me.

 

I would never willingly give up my life in Australia. My husband & I love it there & we know it’s where we want to be. I have days when I’m in Australia & the guilt pangs hits me, but generally its far & few between - unless of course when they’ve been sick or we’ve had a death in the family.

 

I just struggle immensely with the goodbyes, as I’m sure everybody does. I’m borderline depressed in the build up to leaving & due to feeling so low I’m generally quieter & deep in thought which in effect puts a downer on the final few days..but I can’t snap out of it. My mum tends to be the same & seeing her be so quiet & sad makes me feel even more sadness & guilt as I know I’ve caused it!

 

It also doesn’t help that my parents won’t fly to Australia so the pressure is always on me to return to the UK to see them! My husband is less enthusiastic about coming home & would happily only come once every 5 years, which also puts me in an awkward position as I feel like I have to choose between my husbands happiness & my parents as I’d like to come back to see them at least every 18 months...and I worry that’s leaving it too long!

 

If anybody has any coping strategies or words of wisdom please do share them! Thanks :)

[Toots]

Quite honestly no it doesn't get any easier.  I used to blubber like a baby every time the goodbyes happened both when I left Mum in Scotland to come back here after a visit and it was just as upsetting when she returned to Scotland after staying with us for a few months.  It's heart wrenching.  The worst part of migrating.  

[Beffers]

1 hour ago, aconcannon said:

 

My husband & I have been happily living in

Sydney (no kids) for the last 3 years. During that time we’ve been back to the UK to visit twice (once on a planned trip & once for a funeral). No family have been over to visit us, only friends. We’re currently in the UK & have been for the past 8 weeks! We are inbetween moving from Sydney to the Gold Coast which is how we were able to have the extended trip home.

 

We fly back to Australia tomorrow and the guilt is already eating away at me, and has been for a good few days!! Why do the goodbyes never get easier? Will they ever get easier?

 

I sit & look at my parents, with their new wrinkles & ailments, their older faces from the last time I saw them & I wonder what they’ll be like next time I see them? I wonder will I ever seen them again? My mums had 2 cancer scares recently, amongst other major health concerns & I worry will there be a day I get the dreaded call & have to give up my life In Australia to come home to look after them? My brother also lives abroad & im the only girl so this would be expected of me. I see the sadness in their eyes that our time together is coming to a close. I’ve promised I’ll be home Xmas of next year, but I know they worry they may not be here & maybe this is the last time they’ll see me. I can’t help but to break down in tears when im out of the room as the guilt of leaving them & knowing that I’m hurting them overpowers me.

 

I would never willingly give up my life in Australia. My husband & I love it there & we know it’s where we want to be. I have days when I’m in Australia & the guilt pangs hits me, but generally its far & few between - unless of course when they’ve been sick or we’ve had a death in the family.

 

I just struggle immensely with the goodbyes, as I’m sure everybody does. I’m borderline depressed in the build up to leaving & due to feeling so low I’m generally quieter & deep in thought which in effect puts a downer on the final few days..but I can’t snap out of it. My mum tends to be the same & seeing her be so quiet & sad makes me feel even more sadness & guilt as I know I’ve caused it!

 

It also doesn’t help that my parents won’t fly to Australia so the pressure is always on me to return to the UK to see them! My husband is less enthusiastic about coming home & would happily only come once every 5 years, which also puts me in an awkward position as I feel like I have to choose between my husbands happiness & my parents as I’d like to come back to see them at least every 18 months...and I worry that’s leaving it too long!

 

If anybody has any coping strategies or words of wisdom please do share them! Thanks

I don't think it does. It's the flip side of migration. Big hugs xxx

[sparkymalarky]

why not bring them out for a few months to spend that quality time together and have something to look forward too

[aconcannon]

why not bring them out for a few months to spend that quality time together and have something to look forward too

Would love to but due to health & age they don’t want to make the journey sadly so it’s down to us to keep travelling back to the UK :(

[Marisawright]

20 minutes ago, aconcannon said:

Would love to but due to health & age they don’t want to make the journey sadly so it’s down to us to keep travelling back to the UK

 

We're the ones who chose to leave, so it's really our responsibility to do the travelling if they don't want to.  While my parents were alive, I travelled back every two years.  I often went back on my own when my oh had other commitments.

There really is no way to lessen the guilt, IMO.  Unfortunately there is always that risk you won't see them again.  When your parents aren't in great health, they can take a bad turn and go downhill very fast.  My mother died before I could even get on the plane - several years later, my father died while I was en route.  Getting there in time for the funeral doesn't make up for it.

All I can suggest is, get your citizenship as soon as you're eligible.  Then if you do have to go home to care for them, you know you can't lose your right to come back to Australia in the future.

[aconcannon]

We're the ones who chose to leave, so it's really our responsibility to do the travelling if they don't want to.  While my parents were alive, I travelled back every two years.  I often went back on my own when my oh had other commitments.
There really is no way to lessen the guilt, IMO.  Unfortunately there is always that risk you won't see them again.  When your parents aren't in great health, they can take a bad turn and go downhill very fast.  My mother died before I could even get on the plane - several years later, my father died while I was en route.  Getting there in time for the funeral doesn't make up for it.
All I can suggest is, get your citizenship as soon as you're eligible.  Then if you do have to go home to care for them, you know you can't lose your right to come back to Australia in the future.

Yeah you’re right Marisa, it is our responsibility to go back seen as we were the ones who to emigrate. It’s just tough as my husband & I are both from the same city, but he’s not close to his parents at all & most of his close mates have moved away meaning he doesn’t have any interest in going at all really...I feel the next trip I’ll be on my own. The joys of living so far away hey! Really sorry to hear your story about your parents that must have been devastating :( citizenship is definitely on the cards for us next year!!

[Guest The Pom Queen]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. We haven’t had to go back to the UK yet as our parents have always visited us. However, what I can say is that even when you live in the UK and you have an ageing or ill parent/family member it isn’t easy.

Before we left for Oz I cared for my gran, my mum had moved overseas, my grandad had died and she had no one else. She only lived 15 minutes up the road but every time I went back home and left her I was upset. What made it worse was towards the end she had Alzheimer’s and even though I visited every day she would forget and she would scream and shout at me each time I went.

One day I took her out shopping and for a coffee, we had lunch out and then when we got back home I cooked dinner and we watched TV, 10 hours later I told her I needed to go home as Back then my son was 3 month old.  She gave me a mouthful of abuse saying I’d only just got there and how dare I leave her.

The hardest thing was she wouldn’t leave her home, not even for a day at ours. She stayed overnight one Christmas and it just threw her in to a state of confusion and panic. 

‘I know it’s totally different but please don’t be hard on yourself as even if you were there you would still have the same emotions, the same worries. The only downside to being here is being able to get back in time in an emergency.

I also agree with what you say about it’s always the girls/women who are the ones caring and worrying. I recently spent 4 weeks in hospital with a stint in ICU and my two older boys didn’t once think of flying down (a couple of hours away) to see me. Yet I’m sure if I’d have had a daughter there would have been nothing standing in her way. My husband and youngest however were amazing. My youngest doesn’t usually visit as he has seen me in hospital so many times, but this time he took it in turns with his Dad to be by my side. So I do think with some men they try to shrug things off and by doing so hope things will go away. They are very good at hiding their feelings and everyone copes differently.

Have you tried talking to your brother. Maybe you can take it in turns to visit your parents. 

[tea4too]

It is life, sadly. We live hundreds of miles distant from both sets of parents (rather than thousands), and it is still difficult as we are not on hand to provide the sort of day to day support needed. I tell myself that as parents we raise our children to be capable adults, able to make independent decisions while finding their own way in the world, and I think that’s true. However, while it is not a bad thing to move away there are consequences on both an emotional and practical level, and I think that’s something we have to own tbh, dealing with it as best we can. T x

[tea4too]

@The Pom Queen can we have the 'hug' emoticon back? I didn't want to 'like' your post or add a wrinkly smile, but sending hugs anyway. T x

[Quoll]

Nope, there isn’t an easy option. You either develop a very thick skin and say “bugger it, it’s my life” or you Re prioritize and maybe put yourself on the back burner while you do whatever makes you able to live with your conscience.

I’ve cried more times than I can remember as I farewelled my aged parents for about 7 years before my DH who was “never going to live in England ever again” took one look at my aged parents and said “we can’t leave them here alone like this”. That was 7 years ago yesterday. He’s really enjoyed England but part of that is because he knows that as soon as my dad dies we will be back to Aus.

I’m a hard hearted Hannah but leaving my parents vulnerable on the other side of the world (I’m an only) was beyond even me. We lost mum last year and now dad is cracking on at 94 needing 24/7 care. We have tried to persuade him that a care home would offer more than we can but he wants to die in his own home. My only suggestion would be that you get them settled into supported accommodation somewhere so that you know someone is keeping an eye but realistically the chances of you being there when they go is statistically quite remote. I wasn’t there with my mum as we had to put her demented self into care 18 months before. She was only 4 miles down the road but I wasn’t there.

Good luck, I don’t envy you, it’s a noxious position to find yourself in but try and keep things flexible, get your citizenship, be prepared to move if you need to, have a contingency plan with your brother - at least you have one who can pull his equal weight- and see how the chips fall.

[starlight7]

One thing I learnt early on was never , ever, to say our goodbyes at the airport.  We saved it for the parents' house where we could all cry in private! It is never easy and doesn't get any better as your parents age.