aconcannon

Has anybody ever pinged back to the UK specifically to start a family & regretted it? We’ve had an amazing 4.5 years living in Australia & have never once even contemplated moving back, however, we’re thinking about starting a family in the next year or so & following a trip home this Xmas & seeing close friends with their newborns and the strong family bonds/ support, it’s made us wonder whether we’d be best starting a family in the UK? We know Australia has a lot more to offer children in terms of lifestyle, but does that outweigh the love children get from close relationships with grandparents & other relatives? Neither of our parents will come out to Australia so that in Itself is a huge consideration for us. We’ve also moved about a lot during our 4.5 years here so even though we have friends, we don’t have any super close bonds / support network. I’m also a tad concerned maternity leave is only 3 months at the minimum wage in Australia & daycare costs are extortionate! Keen to hear other people’s stories.

We always make the most of public holiday weekends and take breaks locally / interstate so we don’t do too bad. It would be nice to go overseas and explore some other countries near by, or to just have an extended trip somewhere together but time never permits as our annual leave is always banked up for coming home. I wish I was strong enough to drag the next trip to the UK out a bit longer, but I worry immensely about my parents health (which isn’t good) & then I feel huge amounts of irrational guilt that I’m putting my desire for a holiday in Asia over spending quality time with my parents whilst they’re still alive - such a rollarcoaster of emotions

Thanks for the kind words. Much to my husbands dismay (as it means sacrificing any other holidays) we have saved up our annual leave & visited for 4 weeks annually since we emigrated 4.5 years ago. I have no regrets from doing this and I know I’ve more than made the effort, but moving forward I just don’t know if I can continue to work for 11 months of the year in a bid to come home to see my family for 1 month. My husband has decided after this trip he doesn’t wish to return for at least 3 years...so it looks like I’ll be returning alone next year, or not at all.

I’ve been very happily living in Australia with my husband for 4.5 years. Yes there’s been a lot of emotional highs & lows, mainly due to my narcissist mother who refuses to visit us or fully accept our lives in Australia, but we’ve never looked back & can’t ever imagine moving back to the UK. We are currently in the UK with our annual Christmas trip coming to an end tomorrow. I always feel very emotional when the time comes to leave, as do my parents, but I find every year when the final 24 hours are looming Its emotionally harder than the year before... is there any hope out there? Have people found the goodbyes have got easier over time, or does everybody feel the same as me? I’ve spent the whole of today trying to not let my emotions show, but every time I look at my ageing & not so healthy parents I feel tremendous amounts of guilt & an urge to break down in tears! This year, I’ve even had thoughts creep into my mind that maybe we should consider moving home - something I’ve never considered before & never thought I would consider! My husband isn’t close to his family & so his emotional attachment is a lot less. Fellow ex pat friends don’t seem to relate either as they have the bonus of their families visiting them in Australia so they generally know when they’ll next see their parents again - I don’t have that luxury. I wonder if that’s what causes the bulk of my upset. Sending positive & happy vibes to anybody else in a similar position to me right now & thanks in advance to anybody who can share their words of wisdom. This forum has been an incredible support / coping mechanism for me over the years :-)

Thank you for the kind & wise words. It’s always good to hear it from the perspective of a parent. It’s a bit of a funny situation with my mum as she had never said the words ‘come home’ ‘don’t leave me’ etc, because she knows that’s wrong. She just finds other ways to let me know how she feels - she knows how to tug on my heart strings in such a way you couldn’t call her on it & if (or should I say ‘when’) I call her on it she gaslights me & says I’m being dramatic / making it up. It’s tough. I’ve gained so much today from speaking to people on here & although it’s a little sad I’m turning to strangers in an Internet forum, it’s definitely helped me to make sense of things. And in answer to your question, other than working (she’s self employed) all she has is her alcohol as that controls her life & has pretty much destroyed every friendship she’s had. I wish she’d learn from her mistakes but she doesn’t see them. It’s really sad. Thanks for your advice I really appreciate it :)

Couldn’t agree with u more, and I think this is exactly why I do get so frustrated with the situation because it is a huge effort / amount of money to make that trip home every year just to keep them happy & the fact they don’t recognise that & just see it as some kind of duty that I must fulfil really grates on me! It’s crazy what you live with & almost think is normal, but then when chatting to outsiders you realise even more so that it’s not normal. Not sure why I needed confirmation of that, but it’s helped. I do need to get tough - 100%!!!! I just don’t want to hurt anybody in the process & it’s inevitable that I will.

I agree! And I think talking about things today on here has definitely made me realise that.

Wise words - thank you! I think we’ve all enabled her behaviour for so long it’s the norm. And it shouldn’t be! Dad has often talked over the years about seeking help for himself, but being s typical man it’s something that’s sadly never materialised & somehow he just lives with it. We’ve both begged her to seek help but she gets so defensive / aggressive it’s another battle we’ve almost given up on, particularly because this has been an issue for 30+ years & one she refuses to admit. You’re right though Re the aeroplane comment...

Thanks for the advice. What you have said is right... I too think a lot of this is due to how she feels about what her future holds as it definitely isn’t what she ever expected! She was exceptionally close to her own mother & nursed her to the end & she probably thought it would be the same when she gets older. I know it breaks her heart that my brother lives in Ireland so she’s never had the chance to be the doting hands on grandparent she always wanted to be & I was her last hope of that! She undoubtably has depression but won’t accept it! Yes me calling her 5 times per week is crazy, and if it was my choice I wouldn’t call so often but as my mum is an alcoholic & my dad goes to bed early of an evening to avoid any potential situations with her, I hold a lot of guilt knowing how unhappy she is sat by herself, drinking more & getting more depressed & I know me calling her gives her something to look forward to. I know that’s not my responsibility but if I can help relieve the pain I know she feels (but refuses to talk about) then I will. Cutting my parents off is not something I’d ever do no matter what they did because i love them & I’ll always have that loyalty...but that’s what scares me now as since living in Oz & finally having my own life, not worrying about theirs quite as much & reflecting on how they behave towards me I do know deep down I probably would benefit long term from not having their stress in my life & it does cross my mind cutting them off, but I could never forgive myself. It’s a mess hey! Guess I need to learn to be more selfish!

It’s not no & sadly each time I go back the drinking & the problems are worse than the last time. I just need to stand up to her & to not go back for a few years after we’ve been this Xmas. And who knows, maybe it will make a difference / make her realise. Thanks Toots [emoji2]

it’s definitely something I’ve thought about many times, but then in the back of my mind I have my mums voice telling to grow up / realise that I’m the problem (and not her) so I worry I’d be wasting the therapists time. Geez that In itself probably confirms even more so that I need to seek help! I’ve had 34 years of this sort of stuff going on. Thanks for your advice I appreciate it :)

That’s a good way to look at it actually. You’re right. I probably should have said earlier on in the post that my mum is also an alcoholic. It’s not an excuse, but it’s another reason why I guess I’m so tolerant of it all as I blame the alcohol & not her.

I guess that’s because she’s my mum & I love her. It’s stupid - I know!!

Thanks for the advice, and don’t worry I haven’t took offence - I really appreciate everybodies advice. I wouldn’t say I’m putting barriers up...somebody suggested writing a letter to them which I’ve already tried & it got ignored & I ended up being made to feel like a bad person for having feelings. Somebody suggested cutting my parents off but that isn’t something I want to do either. I’ve had numerous chats about how we can’t keep affording to go back & that’s when she gets me in a corner by saying she’ll pay for the flights. I did talk to my brother about the campervan issue & he said his wife wouldn’t want to sleep in it & he sided with my mum that by booking a hotel I was being OTT & i’d be isolating myself from the family. I honestly can’t win as they can’t see the situation for what it is. He suggested us all going over to Ireland to spend Xmas with him instead, but I don’t want to do that as my husband would like to see his family over Xmas, as would I with other family members & friends & again I got accused of being difficult. It’s just a no win situation. I just have to be strong, stick to my guns if not going home for a few years after this Xmas & put up with the abuse that I’ll get from doing it.

I’d tell them to avoid that person like the plague!!