aconcannon

Thank you for the kind & wise words. It’s always good to hear it from the perspective of a parent. It’s a bit of a funny situation with my mum as she had never said the words ‘come home’ ‘don’t leave me’ etc, because she knows that’s wrong. She just finds other ways to let me know how she feels - she knows how to tug on my heart strings in such a way you couldn’t call her on it & if (or should I say ‘when’) I call her on it she gaslights me & says I’m being dramatic / making it up. It’s tough. I’ve gained so much today from speaking to people on here & although it’s a little sad I’m turning to strangers in an Internet forum, it’s definitely helped me to make sense of things. And in answer to your question, other than working (she’s self employed) all she has is her alcohol as that controls her life & has pretty much destroyed every friendship she’s had. I wish she’d learn from her mistakes but she doesn’t see them. It’s really sad. Thanks for your advice I really appreciate it :)

Couldn’t agree with u more, and I think this is exactly why I do get so frustrated with the situation because it is a huge effort / amount of money to make that trip home every year just to keep them happy & the fact they don’t recognise that & just see it as some kind of duty that I must fulfil really grates on me! It’s crazy what you live with & almost think is normal, but then when chatting to outsiders you realise even more so that it’s not normal. Not sure why I needed confirmation of that, but it’s helped. I do need to get tough - 100%!!!! I just don’t want to hurt anybody in the process & it’s inevitable that I will.

I agree! And I think talking about things today on here has definitely made me realise that.

Wise words - thank you! I think we’ve all enabled her behaviour for so long it’s the norm. And it shouldn’t be! Dad has often talked over the years about seeking help for himself, but being s typical man it’s something that’s sadly never materialised & somehow he just lives with it. We’ve both begged her to seek help but she gets so defensive / aggressive it’s another battle we’ve almost given up on, particularly because this has been an issue for 30+ years & one she refuses to admit. You’re right though Re the aeroplane comment...

Thanks for the advice. What you have said is right... I too think a lot of this is due to how she feels about what her future holds as it definitely isn’t what she ever expected! She was exceptionally close to her own mother & nursed her to the end & she probably thought it would be the same when she gets older. I know it breaks her heart that my brother lives in Ireland so she’s never had the chance to be the doting hands on grandparent she always wanted to be & I was her last hope of that! She undoubtably has depression but won’t accept it! Yes me calling her 5 times per week is crazy, and if it was my choice I wouldn’t call so often but as my mum is an alcoholic & my dad goes to bed early of an evening to avoid any potential situations with her, I hold a lot of guilt knowing how unhappy she is sat by herself, drinking more & getting more depressed & I know me calling her gives her something to look forward to. I know that’s not my responsibility but if I can help relieve the pain I know she feels (but refuses to talk about) then I will. Cutting my parents off is not something I’d ever do no matter what they did because i love them & I’ll always have that loyalty...but that’s what scares me now as since living in Oz & finally having my own life, not worrying about theirs quite as much & reflecting on how they behave towards me I do know deep down I probably would benefit long term from not having their stress in my life & it does cross my mind cutting them off, but I could never forgive myself. It’s a mess hey! Guess I need to learn to be more selfish!

It’s not no & sadly each time I go back the drinking & the problems are worse than the last time. I just need to stand up to her & to not go back for a few years after we’ve been this Xmas. And who knows, maybe it will make a difference / make her realise. Thanks Toots [emoji2]

it’s definitely something I’ve thought about many times, but then in the back of my mind I have my mums voice telling to grow up / realise that I’m the problem (and not her) so I worry I’d be wasting the therapists time. Geez that In itself probably confirms even more so that I need to seek help! I’ve had 34 years of this sort of stuff going on. Thanks for your advice I appreciate it :)

That’s a good way to look at it actually. You’re right. I probably should have said earlier on in the post that my mum is also an alcoholic. It’s not an excuse, but it’s another reason why I guess I’m so tolerant of it all as I blame the alcohol & not her.

I guess that’s because she’s my mum & I love her. It’s stupid - I know!!

Thanks for the advice, and don’t worry I haven’t took offence - I really appreciate everybodies advice. I wouldn’t say I’m putting barriers up...somebody suggested writing a letter to them which I’ve already tried & it got ignored & I ended up being made to feel like a bad person for having feelings. Somebody suggested cutting my parents off but that isn’t something I want to do either. I’ve had numerous chats about how we can’t keep affording to go back & that’s when she gets me in a corner by saying she’ll pay for the flights. I did talk to my brother about the campervan issue & he said his wife wouldn’t want to sleep in it & he sided with my mum that by booking a hotel I was being OTT & i’d be isolating myself from the family. I honestly can’t win as they can’t see the situation for what it is. He suggested us all going over to Ireland to spend Xmas with him instead, but I don’t want to do that as my husband would like to see his family over Xmas, as would I with other family members & friends & again I got accused of being difficult. It’s just a no win situation. I just have to be strong, stick to my guns if not going home for a few years after this Xmas & put up with the abuse that I’ll get from doing it.

I’d tell them to avoid that person like the plague!!

She’s really hard work! She has so many strong points but also so many negatives. She’s definitely the sort of person who you either love or you hate! I too feel sorry for my dad as he doesn’t have the easiest of lives - another reason why I like to go back is to make sure he’s ok I suppose. We played a huge part in their social lives prior to emigrating, and although my dad isn’t my responsibility I do know how hard things are for him with me not being there. So much guilt & like you say it truly is a predicament for everyone :(

It’s a long story but when my hubby & I got engaged about 7 years ago we said we wanted to hold the wedding in Thailand as it’s a place very special to the 2 of us. Mum flipped at the idea as she wanted to have the traditional wedding at home. After 18 months of sticking to ours guns she still wouldn’t back down & support us. She invented some ridiculous story about developing claustrophobia/ fear of flying so we could have the wedding in Thailand but she wouldn’t ‘be able’ to come & then guilt tripped me to the extent we ended up having the wedding at home. She’s super stubborn & hasn’t been on a plane since & I very much doubt she’ll ever back down from that. You could say she bit off her nose to spite her face! I did write them a letter last year following a disastrous trip home but it went ignored, and then I went I mentioned it she said I was being childish & needed to grow up. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. I don’t have children but I could never imagine treating mine the way I get treated.

Inbetween leaving Sydney & moving to Queensland last year we went home for 2 months, not really out of choice but because my mum insisted on paying for our flights & made me feel so ungrateful/mean for turning down her offer that we ended up giving in. The trip was horrendous & so after that once we returned to Australia I wrote her a letter explaining how I felt etc. Neither of them acknowledged the letter. I didn’t call her for over 2 weeks waiting for 1 of them to contact us & they didn’t. When I eventually called her she didn’t mention the letter & when I brought it up it just caused a huge row & she said I was being overly dramatic & needed to grow up & refuses to talk about the letter again. It’s a loosing battle. I’ve tried talking to my brother about it but as he’s never really experienced the wrath of my mother & always has a nice time when does see them, he prefers not to get involved & so is zero support either.

Thanks for the kind words! It’s such a tricky situation as I love them both dearly but at 34 I don’t think I should be getting treated the way that I do. There’s never any compromise & if I express that I’m hurt because of that it somehow gets turned around & I end up being the bad guy. You’re right & they probably never will change. I just wish I understood it & understood why they don’t treat my brother in the same way who makes zero effort in comparison.