westie Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Hi Everyone I have lived in Australia for 7 years, and i do like Australia, but i am not sure if i should return to the UK? My husband has been very ill. He had Open Heart Surgery 18 months ago,then contracted MRSA, then a Pacemaker was fitted. He then had to go in to have the wires removed, because a secondary infection came along. He also had his hip re-placed then contracted MRSA again. His blood keeps clotting, but the doctors are starting to get on top of it, after he had a Massive Heart Attack 7 weeks ago, and had more surgery on his heart. (this is just a brief outline on what hubby has been threw). i find myself so unhappy and not able to cope on my own. All my family are back in the UK, and i am trying to run a business with him, and move house as we have just built on a 5 acre block, which i find no passion for after all this. I feel so bad for feeling this, and I have not mentioned this to him. I basically have no life here, as i am trying to do my best for my hubby. He shouts a lot at me, and argues over the slightest thing. I am trying so hard to stay calm and sick off crying into my pillow most nights. This is putting a strain on us very much, but i have been with hubby 20 years and i do feel very sorry for him. I am trying to figure out what to do about this situation, and feel very confused over it??? I feel very selfish because when i do have a few hours away from him, i feel a sense of relief, and feel ashamed that i think this. Deep down i am only here for my hubby, as he loves it here, but i am not living my life at the same time. I feel it would be better to return so i have family support but hubby does not want to go back to the UK and tells me it will be fine and i will cope!!! So i have left it at that for the moment, while he recovers. Very confusing!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 I'm so sorry OMG - it has been a horrendous time for both of you. I know a couple of people who are recovering from open heart surgery and it takes quite some time before they are back to themselves again. They both suffered from depression quite badly after the op and maybe that is why your OH shouts and argues with you. Perhaps you could join a support group for people in a similar situation to yourself. Here in the north coast of Tasmania there is a very good support group for the person who has had the op and also for the partners. There should be a similar group near you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Relationships counselling! Tomorrow! Your DH has been through a trauma and could probably do with counselling as he has had a real brush with his mortality but at the end of the day you need to look after YOU because unless you are well you won't be much good to him or anyone else! Take care of yourself then think about him and get your cards out on the table with the help of a non judgmental third party. Good luck! You guys are doing it tough! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Your husband has had several very close shaves with death and is probably scared stiff, but he feels he's got to "be a man" - so rather than sharing his feelings, he's being loud and angry and there's no one else to take it out on but you. I know how that feels when you're on the receiving end, I know it's not easy but try to remember he's a little lost boy inside. The ideal would be for both of you to see a counsellor, but if he won't come along, then it would still be worth you going by yourself. You really need a shoulder to cry on, and a counsellor can give you that. I can understand your reluctance to move to the 5 acre block. Who's going to look after all that land? Your hubby really needs to reassess what he's going to be capable of in the future, and if it's not too late to cancel the move and sell the block, that might be the best plan. However it's bad timing as he may still be in denial that he can't do what he used to. Again, this would be something to discuss as a couple with your doctor or a counsellor, if you can talk him into seeing someone. Moving countries would be a huge upheaval and perhaps not the best thing until your husband's health problems have settled down, anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Agree with all of what's said above. Having faced my mortality twice in the last 8 yrs, I had enough going on in my head without having to consider a move. Anti-depression medication is routinely prescribed after operations like he's had to endure, and anger is often an outlet for the confusion when not medicated. Seek counselling, and give him time to come right, I did, but I doubt that I would have without counselling and medication. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 You are certainly not selfish, so please put that fear aside. You seem to be working 24/7 as a carer, a home maker and a business woman with very little respite or 'me' time. That little bit of time you do get to yourself is essential so damn right you should enjoy it. :hug: You clearly love and care for your husband and you are both having a tough time right now. Many people tend to think only of the patient and forget about the welfare of the people looking after them. Your health and peace of mind is important too so don't put your own needs below your husbands. After all, if you aren't in a position to care for him who will? You are doing an awful lot by yourself. Are there any friends or neighbours who you could ask for help in some small way, just to get some shopping for you or to pick up a prescription for example? People may think you are coping fine and to offer to help could be construed as poking their nose in, but many people would happily help someone out if asked, I know I would. When I was in Oz I worked for an organisation that had a Befriending Service. Volunteers would go and visit people who were lonely or isolated and have a chat with them and a cuppa, there were all sorts of criteria that you could 'befriend' someone. Perhaps you could investigate this to see if someone would come and sit with your husband for an hour or two so that you didn't worry about leaving him alone whilst you went and had some R&R? Best wishes to you, you are doing amazingly well and I wish your husband a successful recovery quickly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Not sure what state you're in but have a look at this and see if they can help you where you are http://www.unitingcare.org.au/find-a-service/disability-services Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dxboz Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Have a close friend whose husband went through what your husband has been through. Apparently it is common for the person who has suffered it to be depressed and angry - not easy for the person caring. They had moved to a five acre block a few years before. No way could they keep it - who would look after it? Can understand you wanting to be with family to support you. One step at a time - can you postpone moving or sell the five acres? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Hi EveryoneI have lived in Australia for 7 years, and i do like Australia, but i am not sure if i should return to the UK? My husband has been very ill. He had Open Heart Surgery 18 months ago,then contracted MRSA, then a Pacemaker was fitted. He then had to go in to have the wires removed, because a secondary infection came along. He also had his hip re-placed then contracted MRSA again. His blood keeps clotting, but the doctors are starting to get on top of it, after he had a Massive Heart Attack 7 weeks ago, and had more surgery on his heart. (this is just a brief outline on what hubby has been threw). i find myself so unhappy and not able to cope on my own. All my family are back in the UK, and i am trying to run a business with him, and move house as we have just built on a 5 acre block, which i find no passion for after all this. I feel so bad for feeling this, and I have not mentioned this to him. I basically have no life here, as i am trying to do my best for my hubby. He shouts a lot at me, and argues over the slightest thing. I am trying so hard to stay calm and sick off crying into my pillow most nights. This is putting a strain on us very much, but i have been with hubby 20 years and i do feel very sorry for him. I am trying to figure out what to do about this situation, and feel very confused over it??? I feel very selfish because when i do have a few hours away from him, i feel a sense of relief, and feel ashamed that i think this. Deep down i am only here for my hubby, as he loves it here, but i am not living my life at the same time. I feel it would be better to return so i have family support but hubby does not want to go back to the UK and tells me it will be fine and i will cope!!! So i have left it at that for the moment, while he recovers. Very confusing!!!!!!! There have been several times in my life when I've been very ill with chemo, and you can reach a stage where you only have time to meet your own immediate needs, and you shut everything else out. I know if my wife had discussed moving house or country when I was ill I would have shut her down. There's only so much you can deal with. Give him time to recover, then address your issues again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
westie Posted January 11, 2016 Author Share Posted January 11, 2016 You are certainly not selfish, so please put that fear aside. You seem to be working 24/7 as a carer, a home maker and a business woman with very little respite or 'me' time. That little bit of time you do get to yourself is essential so damn right you should enjoy it. :hug: You clearly love and care for your husband and you are both having a tough time right now. Many people tend to think only of the patient and forget about the welfare of the people looking after them. Your health and peace of mind is important too so don't put your own needs below your husbands. After all, if you aren't in a position to care for him who will? You are doing an awful lot by yourself. Are there any friends or neighbours who you could ask for help in some small way, just to get some shopping for you or to pick up a prescription for example? People may think you are coping fine and to offer to help could be construed as poking their nose in, but many people would happily help someone out if asked, I know I would. When I was in Oz I worked for an organisation that had a Befriending Service. Volunteers would go and visit people who were lonely or isolated and have a chat with them and a cuppa, there were all sorts of criteria that you could 'befriend' someone. Perhaps you could investigate this to see if someone would come and sit with your husband for an hour or two so that you didn't worry about leaving him alone whilst you went and had some R&R? Best wishes to you, you are doing amazingly well and I wish your husband a successful recovery quickly. Thankyou so much for your kind msgs. My husband is starting his rehab, and counselling today. One step at a time. I have a few friends but they all work full-time, but its me who seems never to ask for help. I feel like i would be a burden, when they are busy too. After doing my post yesterday, i sat back and did some thinking, and yes i need to get him threw this phase that he is going threw, then take little steps after that. Hardest thing to do is watch your husband who is a workaholic suffer, but we will get there. I feel if i bring up the move at the moment it will be to much, so going to take little steps and discuss about the 5 acre block at a later date. Its sad because he loves our new block so much. I am sure it will all work out in the end along as i have him with me that is so important, some people are a lot less fortunate than me. I do feel guilty though when i find it all to much to cope and want to curl up and cry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rammygirl Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Ask those friends for help, please. Just a little thing to start with. I really wish a friend of mine had asked me for help instead of trying to cope alone. I would have done anything I could but she hid her problems and i and other friends were unaware how desperate she had become until it all came out one day........then we all felt awful as we should have been there for her. most people will try to help and like to be asked, honest. Wouldn't you? Reach out to others and I'm sure you will find support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiffany Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Hi must be very hard for you, one thing is for sure you shouldn't feel guilty about enjoying an hour to yourself. He may be feeling useless and guilty that he can't help you hence the horrible comments maybe it's his defence for feeling inadequate. Try to talk about it with friends you have made or Skype your family don't bottle it up it will make you feel worse. Take care my lovely and don't make hasty decisions when your feeling low x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
westie Posted January 15, 2016 Author Share Posted January 15, 2016 Hi I have found a support group 2 hours away , but we have just found out my hubby has to go back in hospital on Monday 18th January for either another stent to the heart, or a bypass. He has already had a procedure on the heart called a Bentals, and a pacemaker fitted as stated.His heart attack saw him have 3 stents six weeks ago. This is just such a blow for my hubby but and i hate saying this because i do like Australia, Perth has to have the worst rehab due to the cost off everything. All we can do is pray that all goes well, while i source the help. The Australian Heart Foundation have been fantastic, the lady i am in touch with who is helping me out is amazing. Fingers crossed everything goes well. One thing has come out of this, i am a lot stronger than i thought i was, and i will get threw this and my hubby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rammygirl Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 Not easy but although I have never met you I will say a prayer. Know that people do care and are wishing you both well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 Sorry to read that, I too wish you both the very best. A support group that is two hours away is quite a long way out. How about you use this thread for support when you have some spare moments, there's always someone on line to answer you should you need some company! Not the same as real human company I know, but at least it's something Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 How have things gone for your husband today? Hope you're both okay :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
westie Posted January 19, 2016 Author Share Posted January 19, 2016 How have things gone for your husband today? Hope you're both okay :hug: Hi Rachel Have picked hubby up today from hospital YEH. He had to have another 3 stents in his main Artery, so he has 6 in total (full metal jacket) That was the terminollgy used by the nurses. They are going to monitor him closely over the next 12 months, if this fails for him then a Quadruple Bypass will be the only thing for him. He is very lucky to be alive, and one hell off a strong man. So i am going to be busy with the business and trying to sort our new home out. This should be a walk in the park compared too the last 2 years, well hopefully. Going to sort me some help out at the same time, need to try and stop worrying and focus on getting my positive outlook back. One step at a time is my new motto. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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