Guest Guest226914 Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 Just putting this out there because it is an issue I am eventually going to have to deal with..... My parents are getting older now (in 70s) and thankfully they are both currently healthy. I am loving life here in Aus but I know the time will come where I have to go back to UK for some emergency to do with my parents health and eventually a funeral. My sister brought it up when I last spoke to her. She is not happy with me being here and will never accept I am happy and that I choose to be away from my family. I know that when the worst eventually happens she will be the one who guilt trips me about how I made my parents lives miserable by being away and that I wasn't there for them in their older years. I am wondering if anyone else has had a situation where a parent dies and when going back for the funeral they have been made to feel terrible about being away from their family and guilt tripped like crazy...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 As a parent in my 70's I say go and live your life and don't worry about us. I say this because that's what we did and just had to cope with with the death of our parents when it happened. Yes if there is a sibling left in your home country then they do carry the brunt, but that's life, and we had to say we back you all the way with any decisions you make, and appreciate all you do. Of course it's tough, but a fact of life if you choose to move overseas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 Just putting this out there because it is an issue I am eventually going to have to deal with..... My parents are getting older now (in 70s) and thankfully they are both currently healthy. I am loving life here in Aus but I know the time will come where I have to go back to UK for some emergency to do with my parents health and eventually a funeral. My sister brought it up when I last spoke to her. She is not happy with me being here and will never accept I am happy and that I choose to be away from my family. I know that when the worst eventually happens she will be the one who guilt trips me about how I made my parents lives miserable by being away and that I wasn't there for them in their older years. I am wondering if anyone else has had a situation where a parent dies and when going back for the funeral they have been made to feel terrible about being away from their family and guilt tripped like crazy...? My view is that just because you are in the same country it doesn't mean that you are easily available anyway. Admittedly Australia is a long way away. Within 2 months of arriving my dad was diagnosed with terminal bladder cancer. Unfortunately diagnosis came too late for any remedial treatment so he is now undertaking chemotherapy solely to buy more time. It is pretty certain that this will be his last Christmas. I didn't live nearby in the UK and my brother who is only a mile away from them is picking up all the slack and would have done even if we hadn't emigrated. That said, he isn't laying any guilt on. In the New Year I am going to be faced with a choice of flying over either while he is still alive or solely for the funeral. Financially it will be tough to make more than one trip. At the moment Skype seems fine but I need to have a discussion with my brother about the options for supporting him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bound4Tassie Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 I haven't been through it but it is my major concern about going. I always thought I would be around for them when they got old ( at least within a few hrs drive). I have 2 siblings who will definitely look after them but the guilt I think is going to be pretty tough to bear even though my parents support the move. Being in aus/english couple means one of us has to face this no matter where we live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest226914 Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 Thanks for your quick replies. Every time I talk to my sister she brings up the fact that one day my parents will die and I won't be around. It is making me feel awful and I know that when I do have to make a trip for the funeral it will probably be on my own as it is hard for my partner to get time off at the drop of a hat. I am quite an emotional person and can get easily emotionally manipulated by my siblings so I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the situation when it arises. My partners parents lived in Australia for 20 years and it was only after going back to UK for a funeral, his mother was guilt tripped by her family and ended up permanently moving back much to the dismay of my partners father who has always said it was the worst decision they ever made. There is no doubt it is going to be a hard time when it happens but I really hope that it isn't made worse by my siblings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest226914 Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 As a parent in my 70's I say go and live your life and don't worry about us. I say this because that's what we did and just had to cope with with the death of our parents when it happened.Yes if there is a sibling left in your home country then they do carry the brunt, but that's life, and we had to say we back you all the way with any decisions you make, and appreciate all you do. Of course it's tough, but a fact of life if you choose to move overseas. I hope that my parents see it like this but I am informed by my sister that my dad was crying on the phone to her the other day about how devastated he is that the family is apart. I am not sure if it is true however - it may just be another manipulation strategy by her. It does upset me to think that my dad feels this way and could quite possibly die feeling like this but I cannot leave my life here just to make family happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lp77 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I hope that my parents see it like this but I am informed by my sister that my dad was crying on the phone to her the other day about how devastated he is that the family is apart. I am not sure if it is true however - it may just be another manipulation strategy by her. It does upset me to think that my dad feels this way and could quite possibly die feeling like this but I cannot leave my life here just to make family happy. @george8181 tough... Everyones parents are different. I am about to fly on 4th Jan taking my 3 kids to Oz. But AUstralian grandparents have not seen them v often... We only get one shot at life and I am sorry your sibling has to go on and on at you.... Do they not realise how awful we feel at leaving them all... but gotta do what is right at the time for your own family... Could you speak on the phone to your dad and say you heard he had been upset adn how sorry you are but hope he understands...? Take care xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 As a parent in my 70's I say go and live your life and don't worry about us. I say this because that's what we did and just had to cope with with the death of our parents when it happened.Yes if there is a sibling left in your home country then they do carry the brunt, but that's life, and we had to say we back you all the way with any decisions you make, and appreciate all you do. Of course it's tough, but a fact of life if you choose to move overseas. My parents are just like that too ramot, always encouraged all their children to do what ever we wanted in life, they in return have reaped some benefits by being able to travel the world ( Aus, USA, Spain, Greece and around England) to have holidays, up to 3 months long too, with their children and grandchildren. I also know my parents would be more upset with us if they thought we were having to change/adapt our lifes for them. However the father in laws illness did delay our coming out to Aus until after he died the mother in law seems to go on for ever but we think that is because she is both smoked and pickled:laugh: and part of the reason we delayed our life. Both my parents are in their 80's and relatively healthy and active I have siblings in England who will be there for them with no guilt passed on, I am never 100% sure on how I would take it or how I will react when the time comes, but that will be dealt with at the time no need to worry about that now. Cost of flying home is not and never has been a factor, how can it be when your parents have given so much to you in your life, it would at worst only be a short term debt! I wish everyone well and a happy and long life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the bottler Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I possibly should not say this but I think your sister is being very unkind to you ... we do not have children so they will look after us when we get old ... that is not the deal ... my brother lived an hour and a half away from our parents ... he very rarely saw them ... was certainly not there for them when they became old and eventually went into Care / Nursing Homes ... I had a dreadful time with my Mother and Aunt ... if my brother did telephone he would actually laugh when I told a problem I was having with one of them ... so not supportive in any way ... you cannot put your life on hold for your parents ... they could live to be over a hundred ... and what age would you be then ? ... where has your life gone ? ... this may not help you as you sound a very caring , sensitive person and your sister is obviously determined to make you feel guilty ... I do hope it becomes easier for you ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I hope that my parents see it like this but I am informed by my sister that my dad was crying on the phone to her the other day about how devastated he is that the family is apart. I am not sure if it is true however - it may just be another manipulation strategy by her. It does upset me to think that my dad feels this way and could quite possibly die feeling like this but I cannot leave my life here just to make family happy. If your parents are in good health, and finances permit, then start a plan for them to visit, so they have something to look forward to. We have been through it all, there are no easy answers. I was actually back in UK for a visit when my mother died, had no idea she was ill, had telephoned and arranged to see her 2 days later, but she died the next night before I was to go. Somehow you have to learn to live with the guilt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 If your parents are in good health, and finances permit, then start a plan for them to visit, so they have something to look forward to.We have been through it all, there are no easy answers. I was actually back in UK for a visit when my mother died, had no idea she was ill, had telephoned and arranged to see her 2 days later, but she died the next night before I was to go. Somehow you have to learn to live with the guilt. I am sure that is what would happen with my mother too ramot, she does not want us to remember her old and ill, in a way it is her way of still looking after us children by trying to shelter us from the bad things in life! and she also says just to party at her funeral to celebrate her life, no crying allowed....as if! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 My father died many years ago before I came to Australia. My Mum encouraged me to come to Australia and wished me well - she was in very good health until she had a stroke in her mid-80's. I flew back to Scotland as soon as I heard about it. She had the stroke on the Thursday and I arrived at the hospital on the Sunday. I stayed with her 24 hours a day with my sister until she died the following Thursday. She knew I was there and tried to talk to me. It's very difficult living so far away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Your Sister is being a bit tough and I reckon is feeling a bit jealous. Mine and my wife's family were really supportive when we came. I have a Sister, 2 nieces and a nephew on my side. They were upset when we said we were emigrating as they didn't know we were even contemplating it. I didn't live close to them or my parents and we had decided to keep it to ourselves until we knew we'd been accepted. The only relation that got a bit angry was my wife's eldest Sister who'd lived in Bermuda for a few years and was angry 'cos they'd just come back and we were going away. My Sister and family wanted to emigrate when they came for the first holiday, they loved it here but couldn't get in. Devastated at the time but you have to move on. My Dad died last year, he was 92 but came as a shock as it was sudden. My Sister and family there were brilliant. I obviously got over as fast as I could and my Sis had the funeral arranged, for the following week, a place for my Mum sorted in a retirement home. My parents were carers for each other and my Mum couldn't have stayed in the house on her own and everything else sorted. I helped and was supportive as much as I could be. They all lived close to my parents and to be honest it would have been the same if we had lived in the UK. By the time I would have got things sorted and got over to where they lived she would have probably sorted things out anyway. The biggest thing was being there for my Mum. I stayed in the house with her until the room was available in the retirement home. Made meals for her and just sat and chatted. It was a great time spent with her. Saw her move into the nice retirement home and settle in. My Sis and I have always got on pretty well and we are both pretty laid back people. We're not hanging out for any money from my parents and if it turns out that there is some left, after paying lots for the retirement home and she gets more than me then so be it. She's been looking after them a lot longer than I have. It's not great when people die but it's going to happen no matter where you live. You are only a couple of days away and depending where you live in the UK it could be just as bad. Your parents are pretty young yet and to start thinking and worrying about it already might be a bit premature. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quinkla Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 What Ramot said. Yes, our parents will die. No, we won't be there for them. Emigration is selfish. That's just the way it is - we can beat ourselves up over it, or we can just carry on regardless. I favour the latter approach as the former won't change anything. For what it is worth, I would expect to return for funerals but wouldn't expect to travel back in the event of a health scare because then I'd have raised the expectation that I would travel back every time there was a health scare, and there would always be a temptation to squeeze in one more last visit as soon as I got home from the previous one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest226914 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 If your parents are in good health, and finances permit, then start a plan for them to visit, so they have something to look forward to.We have been through it all, there are no easy answers. I was actually back in UK for a visit when my mother died, had no idea she was ill, had telephoned and arranged to see her 2 days later, but she died the next night before I was to go. Somehow you have to learn to live with the guilt. Funny you say arrange for them to visit..... I am actually getting married to my partner by which time I will have been in Aus 6 years. In that time I have bought a house, got a job I love, got an amazing circle of friends and have the lifestyle I want. No one has even expressed an interest in visiting me and seeing what my life is like. I told my family I would be getting married in Aus and no one will come over for it. I totally understand it is a long way but finances are not the problem. They have explicitly told me that since I am the one who moved away I should be the one who comes to them. I would have thought this would be the perfect opportunity for everyone to come and see what my life is like but noone seems to want to. I have a school friend who lives on the sunshine coast. Her mum is up every year for 3 months without fail. She loves the fact her daughter lives in Australia because it gives her an excuse to explore a new country. I wish my family had this attitude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest226914 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Thanks everyone for the replies. I know that it is hopefully some time away and there is no doubt when it happens it will be hard. I just don't want the added guilt trip to go with it which is already happening and my parent's are still in good health. Every time I talk to my sister she mentions that I am breaking my dad's heart being here and he will end up dying with a broken heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Funny you say arrange for them to visit..... I am actually getting married to my partner by which time I will have been in Aus 6 years. In that time I have bought a house, got a job I love, got an amazing circle of friends and have the lifestyle I want. No one has even expressed an interest in visiting me and seeing what my life is like. I told my family I would be getting married in Aus and no one will come over for it. I totally understand it is a long way but finances are not the problem. They have explicitly told me that since I am the one who moved away I should be the one who comes to them. I would have thought this would be the perfect opportunity for everyone to come and see what my life is like but noone seems to want to. I have a school friend who lives on the sunshine coast. Her mum is up every year for 3 months without fail. She loves the fact her daughter lives in Australia because it gives her an excuse to explore a new country. I wish my family had this attitude. I can count on both hands and feet those that say they really want to come out and see us, I can count on less than one hand those that have. Even in England with my family in Yorkshire and Linda's in Wiltshire, it was still too far to come. It is not the distance that is the problem here, it is the people...............live your life your way and enjoy it wouldn't worry about others too much but would not fall out over it either it is what it is! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JockinTas Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I can count on both hands and feet those that say they really want to come out and see us, I can count on less than one hand those that have. Even in England with my family in Yorkshire and Linda's in Wiltshire, it was still too far to come. It is not the distance that is the problem here, it is the people...............live your life your way and enjoy it wouldn't worry about others too much but would not fall out over it either it is what it is! My dear old Mum looked forward to her Aussie holidays. She came out every second year from November 'til March. My brother and his wife lived in Thailand for years and they were regular visitors and my sister also. Friends in the UK not so much but we have 'looked after' numerous of their offspring over the years when they came on a gap year/WHV. Most of them were lovely to have around but some of them were absolute brats and I was glad to see the back of them :wideeyed: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I can count on both hands and feet those that say they really want to come out and see us, I can count on less than one hand those that have. Even in England with my family in Yorkshire and Linda's in Wiltshire, it was still too far to come. It is not the distance that is the problem here, it is the people...............live your life your way and enjoy it wouldn't worry about others too much but would not fall out over it either it is what it is! Why should they come and visit you ? You're the one's who left. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest226914 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 You sound like my family... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest226914 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I can count on both hands and feet those that say they really want to come out and see us, I can count on less than one hand those that have. Even in England with my family in Yorkshire and Linda's in Wiltshire, it was still too far to come. It is not the distance that is the problem here, it is the people...............live your life your way and enjoy it wouldn't worry about others too much but would not fall out over it either it is what it is! Unfortunately we are already all falling out over it. I don't think there is really a solution other than don't let it get to me but unfortunately being an emotional female I do... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Funny you say arrange for them to visit..... I am actually getting married to my partner by which time I will have been in Aus 6 years. In that time I have bought a house, got a job I love, got an amazing circle of friends and have the lifestyle I want. No one has even expressed an interest in visiting me and seeing what my life is like. I told my family I would be getting married in Aus and no one will come over for it. I totally understand it is a long way but finances are not the problem. They have explicitly told me that since I am the one who moved away I should be the one who comes to them. I would have thought this would be the perfect opportunity for everyone to come and see what my life is like but noone seems to want to. I have a school friend who lives on the sunshine coast. Her mum is up every year for 3 months without fail. She loves the fact her daughter lives in Australia because it gives her an excuse to explore a new country. I wish my family had this attitude. Sounds like emotional blackmail and they may not yet have given up hope that you will give into it and return. If they visited it would represent some sort of tacit approval of your move which they would view as a retrograde step in the war of emotions. I'm afraid that if they have gone this long and plan to shun your wedding then you will have to face the fact that they will never approve and will never come over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest226914 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Sounds like emotional blackmail and they may not yet have given up hope that you will give into it and return. If they visited it would represent some sort of tacit approval of your move which they would view as a retrograde step in the war of emotions. I'm afraid that if they have gone this long and plan to shun your wedding then you will have to face the fact that they will never approve and will never come over. Thank you for your reply. It is obviously not something I am happy to be experiencing but people's words are helping me get my head straight and realising I am not the worst person in the world for wanting to live my life and be happy. Sometimes my family do a good job of making me question if I am doing the right thing. I don't think there will be a happy ending. It is more to do with me having the courage to say to everyone I will do what I want and if you support me great but if not I potentially damage relationships with my family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scuffythetugboat Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 I was in Australia when my mother died suddenly in the UK. I had no chance of seeing her before she passed away. I was in the same city in the UK as my father when he died suddenly. I had no chance of being by his side as well. Cherish the ones you hold dear while they are alive. Anyway, don't assume that because someone is older than you, that they will die first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country vic Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 First a disclaimer, I am not qualified to comment as I have no family...... however I will not let that stop me. You talk to your sister, she gives you a hard time and makes you feel bad..... solution: stop communicating with your sister. You are accepting her making you feel bad and you can do that if you want to, alternatively you could choose to tell her your communications are inappropriate and distressing for you so, until she chooses to show you more respect and consideration, you will not be commnicatng with her. The fact is people die. We could go live next door to someone, go out for the day, come back and find out they have died. We can choose to live as hostages under the tyranny of what might happen, or we can live in a balanced way accepting the reality of life events and understand we can not control everything. While statistically it is likely your parents will die before you, there is no rule that dictates it will be that way. :- ) I was doing this as the previous post went up...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.