Dilemma - I want to move back to Wales but my husband categorically refuses

[Guest]

I totally agree that it will have a devastating effect on my husband and children if I did decide to move, which is why I feel so awful even thinking about it. We're only at the talking about it stage. I'm still here in Australia and still trying to make it work as my children are my top priority. No there aren't any job prospects for him in Wales and even if there were, he still wouldn't move.

 

If there are no job prospects (regardless of if he would go or not), how on earth would your family be supported to live and make a life there? I'd not expect my Aus hubby to return to the UK to live with me if I knew there were no prospects for him or no jobs or to an area he didn't want to be. I'd compromise all the way if we did decide to return, live nearer a bigger city, live elsewhere in the country so he could work and be there for the kids, that sort of thing. Its far more than just moving back to Wales and there needs to be wiggle room (if it ever were to happen).

 

I do understand you have a longing for Wales and family, but honestly, to me, once kids come into the equation, its not about where *you* want to be anymore, its about what is best for you as a family, irrespective of where that is. Your husband is happy in Aus, can provide for the family and the kids are happy and growing up just fine so far I take it? Its only you who has this desire to be elsewhere.

 

Have you considered going back on your own for a few months? Just you. Face life as the parent who left. Not the one left behind when the partner and kids have gone, thats a whole other world of pain and sadness, but the parent who left. Who left their kids, left their partner, left their life and went to try to scratch that itch, that niggle that would not go away.

 

I'm not in your situation. I have no real hankering for England or to be 'home' as for me, home is where my family are. Not my parents, siblings and so on but *my* family. My husband and my son. Wherever we are, together is the most important thing and the rest falls into place around us. Sometimes it doesn't, then its compromise, make changes, pull together. Sure sometimes it means life is tough going or not ideal but I long ago realised life isn't all happy endings, fairy tales and having what we want. Sometimes its bloody harsh, horrible and crap but I'd rather have my family together through it all than split apart. Bottom line is I love them more than anything. More than a place, a feeling, a desire. I love them. Its thankfully enough for me and any doubts or wondering I may have, I can and have dealt with it and come out the other side. I made my peace with me a long while back.

[Gbye grey sky]

I totally agree that it will have a devastating effect on my husband and children if I did decide to move, which is why I feel so awful even thinking about it. We're only at the talking about it stage. I'm still here in Australia and still trying to make it work as my children are my top priority. No there aren't any job prospects for him in Wales and even if there were, he still wouldn't move.

 

Does this line not demonstrate the futility of it all? How could anyone be open to the idea of moving across the world to sit at home with no job, few prospects, unable to support the family. It reinforces that this is an obsession with no foundation in reality so as Quoll and others have said the best outcome for you and your family would be counselling for yourself to help you manage your issue.

 

Moving to another state does not address your issue either and if your husband is thinking rationally (and it seems that he is) he knows this so is right not to uproot the family on a whim.

 

I hope that counselling for your problem helps you and your family there.

[Quoll]

I totally agree that it will have a devastating effect on my husband and children if I did decide to move, which is why I feel so awful even thinking about it. We're only at the talking about it stage. I'm still here in Australia and still trying to make it work as my children are my top priority. No there aren't any job prospects for him in Wales and even if there were, he still wouldn't move.

 

My guess is that if he were to actually seek a job in Wales and really bust his chops trying to find one - but not succeeding - that you would feel much happier about making the compromise to stay. There is a delicate reframing required - a move away from the mindset of "I am trapped" to one of "I am making the choice to stay" - it is more empowering for you and does take the edge off the feelings of resentment somewhat. But in order to do that you have to see the compromise and it sounds like some quite significant compromise on his part may need to be seen.

 

People who haven't felt the displacement have no idea just how debilitating it can be - there is no logic to it and it can suddenly stand up and slap you in the face when you are least expecting it. Until it happens to you, you have no idea!

[starlight7]

I'd be thinking more of the children- they do need a father. I would also be looking at exactly what was wrong in my life that I felt like this because a place is a place- people are what matters, really.

[Guest]

Does this line not demonstrate the futility of it all? How could anyone be open to the idea of moving across the world to sit at home with no job, few prospects, unable to support the family. It reinforces that this is an obsession with no foundation in reality so as Quoll and others have said the best outcome for you and your family would be counselling for yourself to help you manage your issue.

 

Moving to another state does not address your issue either and if your husband is thinking rationally (and it seems that he is) he knows this so is right not to uproot the family on a whim.

 

I hope that counselling for your problem helps you and your family there.

 

I don't get the sense that the O.P. is expecting her partner to sign up to her dream of moving back to Wales, but rather that she's articulating a dream that deep down she knows is unlikely to ever happen. You used the word 'obsession' which seems a bit harsh to me. We're all still entitled to dream of home aren't we? I know that I do, even though it gets harder to envisage making it back there with every passing year.

[Guest]

I'd be thinking more of the children- they do need a father. I would also be looking at exactly what was wrong in my life that I felt like this because a place is a place- people are what matters, really.

 

Yeah, people are what matter most, but places are pretty important too I reckon. Having lived on the Gold Coast (and survived to tell the tale!) I can vouch for that. There are plenty of Australians who wouldn't go there if you paid them, so I don't think that anyone needs to subject themselves to critical scrutiny for falling out of love with the place!

[Gbye grey sky]

I don't get the sense that the O.P. is expecting her partner to sign up to her dream of moving back to Wales, but rather that she's articulating a dream that deep down she knows is unlikely to ever happen. You used the word 'obsession' which seems a bit harsh to me. We're all still entitled to dream of home aren't we? I know that I do, even though it gets harder to envisage making it back there with every passing year.

 

Obsession is an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a persons mind. In what way is that harsh? You must be able to identify with that.

 

The OP is definitely not expecting her partner to sign up to the move. What is being articulated though is the proposition to take the children to Wales without the father. Some posters have indicated that he should be willing to compromise but I would suggest that indicating a willingness to allow his wife to remove the children presumably so that he can maintain his livelihood and support his family financially is a massive compromise. Not sure what else he could reasonably do. He probably could not support them in Wales because he would either not get a visa or not get a job.

[speakeasy]

Some people just aren't built for migrating. And if someone feels they have security, status and a place to call home that they have worked hard for, it can be very difficult to see themselves leaving.

Two people seeing a different life for themselves requires resolution. It will be easier for the OP to adjust to what she already knows IMO. You can't make someone want to leave everything when they think they have it all here. I think perhaps, her husband might feel he can't provide those things in a country he doesn't know.

[Quoll]

Obsession is an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a persons mind. In what way is that harsh? You must be able to identify with that.

 

The OP is definitely not expecting her partner to sign up to the move. What is being articulated though is the proposition to take the children to Wales without the father. Some posters have indicated that he should be willing to compromise but I would suggest that indicating a willingness to allow his wife to remove the children presumably so that he can maintain his livelihood and support his family financially is a massive compromise. Not sure what else he could reasonably do. He probably could not support them in Wales because he would either not get a visa or not get a job.

 

Obsessive thinking is a feature of exogenous depression unfortunately. I think the point being made is that dad has made no attempt to see if he could move or could support his family in another first world country. It's that lack of preparedness to even contemplate and maybe try - we have no idea, he COULD end up with a fabulous job that he loves, he COULD come to love the place, their kids COULD lead happy lives but he won't even think about thinking about it. So the outcome for the OP is that she feels more and more shackled - it's an odd person that loves a jail.

 

Would I suggest moving back to single parenthood then no, of course not - you do everything in your power to keep a family together but there are responsibilities on both sides and to have all the power on one side or the other is horrible.

[speakeasy]

Maybe this has something to do with losing one's identity? (which I can imagine could happen living in a "perfect" GC neighbourhood and also due to being a mother with young children).

 

 

Is there some way to take time out of your week.. or month.. to regularly re-kindle something that made you feel definitively Welsh? Something you can do to celebrate who you are? Bring the country here or create an atmosphere which satisfies your longing to feel close to your first home.

 

What do you miss most?

[bunbury61]

If there are no job prospects (regardless of if he would go or not), how on earth would your family be supported to live and make a life there? I'd not expect my Aus hubby to return to the UK to live with me if I knew there were no prospects for him or no jobs or to an area he didn't want to be. I'd compromise all the way if we did decide to return, live nearer a bigger city, live elsewhere in the country so he could work and be there for the kids, that sort of thing. Its far more than just moving back to Wales and there needs to be wiggle room (if it ever were to happen).

 

I do understand you have a longing for Wales and family, but honestly, to me, once kids come into the equation, its not about where *you* want to be anymore, its about what is best for you as a family, irrespective of where that is. Your husband is happy in Aus, can provide for the family and the kids are happy and growing up just fine so far I take it? Its only you who has this desire to be elsewhere.

 

Have you considered going back on your own for a few months? Just you. Face life as the parent who left. Not the one left behind when the partner and kids have gone, thats a whole other world of pain and sadness, but the parent who left. Who left their kids, left their partner, left their life and went to try to scratch that itch, that niggle that would not go away.

 

I'm not in your situation. I have no real hankering for England or to be 'home' as for me, home is where my family are. Not my parents, siblings and so on but *my* family. My husband and my son. Wherever we are, together is the most important thing and the rest falls into place around us. Sometimes it doesn't, then its compromise, make changes, pull together. Sure sometimes it means life is tough going or not ideal but I long ago realised life isn't all happy endings, fairy tales and having what we want. Sometimes its bloody harsh, horrible and crap but I'd rather have my family together through it all than split apart. Bottom line is I love them more than anything. More than a place, a feeling, a desire. I love them. Its thankfully enough for me and any doubts or wondering I may have, I can and have dealt with it and come out the other side. I made my peace with me a long while back.

 

An admirable and understandable answer in relation to your immediate family .

I feel the same .

But the question is ,if everyone is looking after their own corner ,who looks after the parents in their old age ?.

Some people deflect the answer ,some move away to avoid the responsibility ,and that leaves the responsibility to someone else .

I meet many different families everyday ,and it is a very common theme.

 

I have met 2 families in 20 years that I have been really impressed with ....one in Liverpool ,one in telford .

 

Its modern society iam afraid ....not the moving away as such .

Sometimes its work ,sometimes career .....but its the me,me,me that drives me up the wall

[xxlornaxx]

He must be a very up front kind of guy as most men may play the game to comfort their wife a bit n even let her plan the dream a little but have no intention of moving..This may or may not make her feel better..He may know her well enough to know that being completely honest about how feels about it from the start is best or maybe he's now sick of hearing about it n feels put out at being second best to Wales! ..I think I would prefer this honesty. As with alot of posts on here i would love to hear the partners side of things I agree with most of the advice given here and hope it's been helpful

[bunbury61]

Hi everyone!

 

I am new to this site I have read through many posts but can't find any recent ones similar to my dilemma so I figured I'd submit my very first post in the hope that I can get some advice.

 

I am 36, originally from Wales, moved over to Aus by myself when I was 22 (backpacking after uni and ended up staying) and am now married to an Aussie and we have a 2 and 5 year old. I have lived on the Gold Coast for 14 years.

 

In a nutshell - I want to move back to Wales but my husband absolutely refuses.

 

For whatever reason I just cannot feel settled here. I have tried so hard to embrace this lovely lifestyle and on the surface we have a comfortable life here. We have a nice house, car, friends, hobbies etc but no matter what I do to embrace the lifestyle and opportunities I have a longing to go home as I don't feel like I belong here. I know this sounds ridiculous but it's like I'm constantly on a summer holiday and I'm waiting around for my real life to kick in. I feel so disconnected and empty here. I have such a strong yearning for home and my family and I can't seem to extinguish the desire to move back, even after 14 years. I have tried all sorts of things to improve this mindset, including giving it time, getting involved in lots of varied hobbies, meeting new people, going on long and short local adventures etc. I certainly don't choose to feel like this. I'd love to be able to flick a switch in my head to feel content and happy here. I thought that by having children I would finally feel settled. But that made it worse as I have no family at all here so have no support. I also figured a trip back every year will help me get my Welsh fix but that hasn't helped either (I've been back many times now for holidays).

 

I have been suppressing these feelings for a long while but have finally started over the past year to be honest to my husband about it all. He knows I've always been homesick but hasn't really taken it seriously until now. He cannot possibly comprehend why I feel like this as he reckons we have a great life. I can totally see where he is coming from and I desperately wish I could feel the same. But I can't help the way I feel and it sucks. Urgh. I asked him if he would consider a trial move for a year or so and he flat out refuses. No. Chance. Whatsoever. He told me he can't imagine anything worse than giving up the GC lifestyle to move to Wales! He's been on holiday there so has an understanding of what it is like. He won't even consider moving to a different State in Australia. As far as he is concerned we will live on the GC. Forever.

 

I'm so stuck at the moment. I'm starting to feel like my husband doesn't love me enough to even try to compromise on giving the move a go. But he assures me he absolutely loves me and it's just that he knows that he'll be totally miserable living there. But the only reason I am here is because of him and I'm miserable. He doesn't want to move and I don't want to stay. It's made a million times worse as we have 2 beautiful babies to consider.

 

I'd love some feedback as my friends don't really understand. Any thoughts/advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Daffodil ,this may sound harsh ..but the damage is done now .....you have an Aussie husband and 2 kids .

If you were my friend ,my advice would be ,come home to wales as much as you can afford,but I would stick it out ,wherever your kids are .

You could cause irreparable damage by coming home .

After the honeymoon of being back is over ,the hard grind starts .

For the sake of the kids ,stay where you are ,but demand a trip home every year ?.....

That's dooable ....every 2 years if not .

 

2 wrongs don't make a right ...your kids are Aussies remember ,with a completely different lifestyle .

Would I entertain taking my 15 yr old away from her life in Solihull ....to move back to oz ....its fraught with danger.

Love your kids ...tough it out....and get home as often as possible

[Guest]

An admirable and understandable answer in relation to your immediate family .

I feel the same .

But the question is ,if everyone is looking after their own corner ,who looks after the parents in their old age ?.

Some people deflect the answer ,some move away to avoid the responsibility ,and that leaves the responsibility to someone else .

I meet many different families everyday ,and it is a very common theme.

 

I have met 2 families in 20 years that I have been really impressed with ....one in Liverpool ,one in telford .

 

Its modern society iam afraid ....not the moving away as such .

Sometimes its work ,sometimes career .....but its the me,me,me that drives me up the wall

 

That is not the issue the OP is discussing here. That is a whole other discussion elsewhere IMHO.

[Daffodil]

Thanks again for the replies. I've just read through them all and appreciate the advice. I've taken on board all the comments even if one or two came across as a bit harsh. It's impossible for me to give an accurate account of my situation and all the ins and outs in a few paragraphs in a forum like this but I do want to point out that I don't consider myself 'obsessed' with wanting to move, I certainly wouldn't do it 'on a whim' and the job prospect thing is irrelevant for my husband as he wouldn't make the move even if he had no visa issues and had a dream job lined up that he could walk into. Of course the kids are the most important thing and the last thing I want to do is ruin their lives. I understand that the best thing is for me to stay here and make it work and that is what I will continue to do. As I've already stated, I'm only at the talking about it stage. It doesn't mean I'm going to pack my bags and fly back. It's not about 'me, me, me' either. Yes I've expressed that I'd love to move back but I know that it's not as simple as that - there are other people to consider and a million other factors which is why I am turning to this forum for some constructive advice. If I was thinking of only myself I would have moved back years ago and not given a stuff about anyone else.

 

As far as my husband's side of things go, he simply does not want to move. He loves the Gold Coast, the relaxing, easy going lifestyle, the weather, his jobs, friends and house. He's been to the UK a few times and also to Wales on trips with me. He cannot imagine anything worse than moving over there. He says it has no appeal, there's nothing there for him, the weather is depressing etc. He reckons he would be absolutely miserable living there despite us having a strong support network with my family and friends and a house to move straight into (we are very well set up financially). He won't even consider moving and is very sure about his stance on it. He's terrified of change and won't put himself in that position. He's listened to my feelings, reasons, ideas for a compromise as we've discussed it many times but at the end of the day it's not enough for him to make the change. I appreciate his honestly as there is no false hope that he will consider it so I know it'll never be an option for him. I understand where he is coming from too and I would hate for him to give up his life here and move to Wales when that's the last thing he wants to do. He absolutely has a great life - he works two jobs one of which he adores, has a hobby he loves and has a good social life. Everything we do is based around his jobs and hobby which has a massive impact on our lives so I can see why he would not want to give that up. I could write a novel about how I feel about where I fit into all this but I wont. I just want to go back to Wales where my family and friends are and where my heart belongs. I love everything about the lifestyle, the place, the people and the way I feel when I am there. It's a feeling deep inside that I can't explain.

 

I know it's horrible wanting to leave. I know it's horrible even thinking about potentially taking the kids away from their father. It's not as though I like feeling like this. No one in their right mind would want to be in this predicament, but this is the way it is for me right now and I'm trying to work on it. But it's also horrible living in place that you really don't love or have any connection with and know you will never be able to leave. I know the damage has been done now though, I know I made the choice to have kids here, I know I've made my bed and I have to lie in it. I know that kids come first. I'm fully aware of all that so it doesn't need to be pointed out. I do go home to Wales every year which is great so at least I get my fix in that respect. My husband is hugely supportive of this too.

 

@endlesswinter has summed up perfectly how I am feeling.... "she's articulating a dream that deep down she knows is unlikely to ever happen".

[ramot]

Thanks again for the replies. I've just read through them all and appreciate the advice. I've taken on board all the comments even if one or two came across as a bit harsh. It's impossible for me to give an accurate account of my situation and all the ins and outs in a few paragraphs in a forum like this but I do want to point out that I don't consider myself 'obsessed' with wanting to move, I certainly wouldn't do it 'on a whim' and the job prospect thing is irrelevant for my husband as he wouldn't make the move even if he had no visa issues and had a dream job lined up that he could walk into. Of course the kids are the most important thing and the last thing I want to do is ruin their lives. I understand that the best thing is for me to stay here and make it work and that is what I will continue to do. As I've already stated, I'm only at the talking about it stage. It doesn't mean I'm going to pack my bags and fly back. It's not about 'me, me, me' either. Yes I've expressed that I'd love to move back but I know that it's not as simple as that - there are other people to consider and a million other factors which is why I am turning to this forum for some constructive advice. If I was thinking of only myself I would have moved back years ago and not given a stuff about anyone else.

 

As far as my husband's side of things go, he simply does not want to move. He loves the Gold Coast, the relaxing, easy going lifestyle, the weather, his jobs, friends and house. He's been to the UK a few times and also to Wales on trips with me. He cannot imagine anything worse than moving over there. He says it has no appeal, there's nothing there for him, the weather is depressing etc. He reckons he would be absolutely miserable living there despite us having a strong support network with my family and friends and a house to move straight into (we are very well set up financially). He won't even consider moving and is very sure about his stance on it. He's terrified of change and won't put himself in that position. He's listened to my feelings, reasons, ideas for a compromise as we've discussed it many times but at the end of the day it's not enough for him to make the change. I appreciate his honestly as there is no false hope that he will consider it so I know it'll never be an option for him. I understand where he is coming from too and I would hate for him to give up his life here and move to Wales when that's the last thing he wants to do. He absolutely has a great life - he works two jobs one of which he adores, has a hobby he loves and has a good social life. Everything we do is based around his jobs and hobby which has a massive impact on our lives so I can see why he would not want to give that up. I could write a novel about how I feel about where I fit into all this but I wont. I just want to go back to Wales where my family and friends are and where my heart belongs. I love everything about the lifestyle, the place, the people and the way I feel when I am there. It's a feeling deep inside that I can't explain.

 

I know it's horrible wanting to leave. I know it's horrible even thinking about potentially taking the kids away from their father. It's not as though I like feeling like this. No one in their right mind would want to be in this predicament, but this is the way it is for me right now and I'm trying to work on it. But it's also horrible living in place that you really don't love or have any connection with and know you will never be able to leave. I know the damage has been done now though, I know I made the choice to have kids here, I know I've made my bed and I have to lie in it. I know that kids come first. I'm fully aware of all that so it doesn't need to be pointed out. I do go home to Wales every year which is great so at least I get my fix in that respect. My husband is hugely supportive of this too.

 

@endlesswinter has summed up perfectly how I am feeling.... "she's articulating a dream that deep down she knows is unlikely to ever happen".

 

Sadly like others I think compromise is the answer, and, if the only way you can cope and decide not split up your family, is by going back to Wales annually for as long as possible then perhaps that is what you must do.

 

I am very long term married 45 years, and had to move at least every 2 years for years because my husband was in the RAF, totally different circumstances I know, but very difficult to ever settle for different reasons, not easy to stick it out but I did, our immediate family always came first.

Next thing (ok fast forward a bit) the children are grown up, go their separate ways, and it can be very lonely on your own.

 

As a parent of 3 aged 35-44 I want my children to live their lives and not worry about us.

 

Hope this reads out of concern for you as no critisism is intended, but my daughter is the same age so do feel for you

[robfromdublin]

Daffodil I hope you make peace with watching your kids grow up in Australia. It can't be easy if you have an overwhelming desire to travel home, but if you are financially secure and annual trips back are possible then you have a pretty great lifestyle.

 

One thing I noted, if your families day-to-day life revolve around your husband's two jobs and his hobby then consider changing this. What hobbies have you got and would putting more of a focus on these help?

[VERYSTORMY]

To be honest, after being in Australia so long and still not found happiness, I think you have to do something to make yourself happy.

 

There is little point in staying in Australia until the day you die and spending it unhappy. Yes, I am sure it would make your husband unhappy if you leave. But, sometimes we have to remember this is our one and only time on this planet and we are not on it very long and while making loved ones happy is important, it can not and should not be at the cost of making yourself permanently unhappy.

[flag of convenience]

I agree with above no point staying if so unhappy with no relief in sight. Compromise is all very well but cannot be one sided.

[Si T]

Daffodil ,this may sound harsh ..but the damage is done now .....you have an Aussie husband and 2 kids .

If you were my friend ,my advice would be ,come home to wales as much as you can afford,but I would stick it out ,wherever your kids are .

You could cause irreparable damage by coming home .

After the honeymoon of being back is over ,the hard grind starts .

For the sake of the kids ,stay where you are ,but demand a trip home every year ?.....

That's dooable ....every 2 years if not .

 

2 wrongs don't make a right ...your kids are Aussies remember ,with a completely different lifestyle .

Would I entertain taking my 15 yr old away from her life in Solihull ....to move back to oz ....its fraught with danger.

Love your kids ...tough it out....and get home as often as possible

 

Being Welsh I can fully understand why you might yearn for home. My wife is in a similar position in that she hasn't fully settled here after almost four years and was pretty homesick. She went home for a few weeks for a wedding in August and thoroughly enjoyed herself.

 

When she came back she was pretty unsettled so we sat down to discuss it. Myself, our 23 year old girl and 12 year old boy are all settled and loving it here but for Trude it just isn't the same. She has some very good friends here who she meets up with each week and so it isn't a lack of a social network. Going back to Quoll's comments, I think that it is possible that situational depression may be having an impact. I am far from an expert but have lived closely with different forms of depression in family members for many years. Believe me, just speaking to someone can be a huge help. It may not solve the problem but can help you with gaining clarity (even if that clarity meant that you were absolutely determined to head back). Once you have clarity you can move forward. At this moment in time you have any number of contradictory thoughts running through your head and that is adding to the issue.

 

Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. My son suffers from a similar anxiety that I did as a young kid so we took the step of getting him referred to a psychologist to help as it was affecting his schooling. I was absolutely uncomfortable with it at first as I felt I had failed him but seeing the improvement in him I am now completely convinced that I have done the best thing I could have by him in doing so. He is much happier and we have no trouble getting him to school.

 

After 19 years together we love each other as much as we always have and so being together as a family is our fundamental position. As long as we have that we can face anything. We have agreed that Trude will head back to the UK for three weeks of each year to catch up with her family and friends (and shop in Primark) and she is then more happy to live here in return. One thing I have forced myself to learn to do over the last couple of years is to live in today. You can't change the past and worrying about a future that hasn't yet happened serves no purpose. We can deal with today's problems, it's when we add yesterday's and tomorrow's that the burden becomes unbearable.

 

Good luck

 

Cymru am Byth

 

Si

[JockinTas]

Being Welsh I can fully understand why you might yearn for home. My wife is in a similar position in that she hasn't fully settled here after almost four years and was pretty homesick. She went home for a few weeks for a wedding in August and thoroughly enjoyed herself.

 

When she came back she was pretty unsettled so we sat down to discuss it. Myself, our 23 year old girl and 12 year old boy are all settled and loving it here but for Trude it just isn't the same. She has some very good friends here who she meets up with each week and so it isn't a lack of a social network. Going back to Quoll's comments, I think that it is possible that situational depression may be having an impact. I am far from an expert but have lived closely with different forms of depression in family members for many years. Believe me, just speaking to someone can be a huge help. It may not solve the problem but can help you with gaining clarity (even if that clarity meant that you were absolutely determined to head back). Once you have clarity you can move forward. At this moment in time you have any number of contradictory thoughts running through your head and that is adding to the issue.

 

Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. My son suffers from a similar anxiety that I did as a young kid so we took the step of getting him referred to a psychologist to help as it was affecting his schooling. I was absolutely uncomfortable with it at first as I felt I had failed him but seeing the improvement in him I am now completely convinced that I have done the best thing I could have by him in doing so. He is much happier and we have no trouble getting him to school.

 

After 19 years together we love each other as much as we always have and so being together as a family is our fundamental position. As long as we have that we can face anything. We have agreed that Trude will head back to the UK for three weeks of each year to catch up with her family and friends (and shop in Primark) and she is then more happy to live here in return. One thing I have forced myself to learn to do over the last couple of years is to live in today. You can't change the past and worrying about a future that hasn't yet happened serves no purpose. We can deal with today's problems, it's when we add yesterday's and tomorrow's that the burden becomes unbearable.

 

Good luck

 

Cymru am Byth

 

Si

 

 

Very good post!!!

 

I was lucky enough to go back to the UK every two years - sometimes for 6 weeks at a time - which I am sure made me feel more settled here. I've been here for 34 years now and always look forward to coming back to Australia after my trips as I now consider it home. We have no relatives here so our little family has always been a very tight unit. As the years have gone by our two sons no longer live at home. One in Sydney and one is now working in Ireland. Time doesn't stand still and things change all the time. I never expect things to be 'just the same' whenever I go back to Scotland.

[docboat]

It seems that you @Daffodil will be best suited to heading "home" to Wales for longer periods with your friends and family, leaving your husband where he thrives, and your children in their own home environment, which is Australia. That period in Wales may be 2 weeks, 2 months or 9 months, and you can return to your family's home for the period that best suits you. Such may be a solution. Take the recipe once yearly and repeat. Seriously - your happiness is important too, but your happiness should not result in anyone else's unhappiness, least of all the children, who are growing up in Australia much as you grew up in Wales.

[Quoll]

It seems that you @Daffodil will be best suited to heading "home" to Wales for longer periods with your friends and family, leaving your husband where he thrives, and your children in their own home environment, which is Australia. That period in Wales may be 2 weeks, 2 months or 9 months, and you can return to your family's home for the period that best suits you. Such may be a solution. Take the recipe once yearly and repeat. Seriously - your happiness is important too, but your happiness should not result in anyone else's unhappiness, least of all the children, who are growing up in Australia much as you grew up in Wales.

 

Or save up really hard and for the foreseeable future the little Welsh kids can return regularly to enjoy the other half of their heritage and enjoy growing up just as much as their mum did.

[Guest]

Thanks again for the replies. I've just read through them all and appreciate the advice. I've taken on board all the comments even if one or two came across as a bit harsh. It's impossible for me to give an accurate account of my situation and all the ins and outs in a few paragraphs in a forum like this but I do want to point out that I don't consider myself 'obsessed' with wanting to move, I certainly wouldn't do it 'on a whim' and the job prospect thing is irrelevant for my husband as he wouldn't make the move even if he had no visa issues and had a dream job lined up that he could walk into. Of course the kids are the most important thing and the last thing I want to do is ruin their lives. I understand that the best thing is for me to stay here and make it work and that is what I will continue to do. As I've already stated, I'm only at the talking about it stage. It doesn't mean I'm going to pack my bags and fly back. It's not about 'me, me, me' either. Yes I've expressed that I'd love to move back but I know that it's not as simple as that - there are other people to consider and a million other factors which is why I am turning to this forum for some constructive advice. If I was thinking of only myself I would have moved back years ago and not given a stuff about anyone else.

 

As far as my husband's side of things go, he simply does not want to move. He loves the Gold Coast, the relaxing, easy going lifestyle, the weather, his jobs, friends and house. He's been to the UK a few times and also to Wales on trips with me. He cannot imagine anything worse than moving over there. He says it has no appeal, there's nothing there for him, the weather is depressing etc. He reckons he would be absolutely miserable living there despite us having a strong support network with my family and friends and a house to move straight into (we are very well set up financially). He won't even consider moving and is very sure about his stance on it. He's terrified of change and won't put himself in that position. He's listened to my feelings, reasons, ideas for a compromise as we've discussed it many times but at the end of the day it's not enough for him to make the change. I appreciate his honestly as there is no false hope that he will consider it so I know it'll never be an option for him. I understand where he is coming from too and I would hate for him to give up his life here and move to Wales when that's the last thing he wants to do. He absolutely has a great life - he works two jobs one of which he adores, has a hobby he loves and has a good social life. Everything we do is based around his jobs and hobby which has a massive impact on our lives so I can see why he would not want to give that up. I could write a novel about how I feel about where I fit into all this but I wont. I just want to go back to Wales where my family and friends are and where my heart belongs. I love everything about the lifestyle, the place, the people and the way I feel when I am there. It's a feeling deep inside that I can't explain.

 

I know it's horrible wanting to leave. I know it's horrible even thinking about potentially taking the kids away from their father. It's not as though I like feeling like this. No one in their right mind would want to be in this predicament, but this is the way it is for me right now and I'm trying to work on it. But it's also horrible living in place that you really don't love or have any connection with and know you will never be able to leave. I know the damage has been done now though, I know I made the choice to have kids here, I know I've made my bed and I have to lie in it. I know that kids come first. I'm fully aware of all that so it doesn't need to be pointed out. I do go home to Wales every year which is great so at least I get my fix in that respect. My husband is hugely supportive of this too.

 

@endlesswinter has summed up perfectly how I am feeling.... "she's articulating a dream that deep down she knows is unlikely to ever happen".

 

 

I really feel for you mate. There are a few of us on here whose circumstances are similar to your own, so you're amongst friends here.

 

I hope you find some way of being at peace with it all.

[Quoll]

Oh Daffodil - I've just read your long response - it sounds like the "me me me" is coming from him even though some posters have unfairly attributed that to your thinking. My Aussie husband was very very similar - wouldn't go to UK unless he had to (he began to think that maybe he was missing out when I blogged one important event for our eldest son and he sat back in Canberra wanting me to speed up with the pics!). Even when our son got married here he could only face 3 weeks when the rest of us (other son and grandkids took 8). He couldn't stand the thought of living in UK again. Circumstances changed for us when he saw how needy my parents had become and he did a complete about turn and actually suggested we live here with them. None of his fears have materialised, he actually enjoys the weather, his hobbies, the wealth of experience far more than he ever thought he would. He even cut down his last visit to Aus to under the 4 weeks because he wanted to be "home". However at the bottom of his happiness I suspect is the knowledge that he has the freedom to move back - I know, for me, I was ok with Aus as long as I thought I had the freedom to come and go but once (he changed the goalposts!) that spectre of freedom disappeared then clang, the iron bars came down in my soul. I don't know how you can compromise to feel that you still have your freedom from the shackles that Australia put on you, only you will know what ticks the compromise box. For me it was that his expectation was that we would go and buy a 40acre block out by Woop Woop, build our own house and be self sufficient! He compromised by staying in Canberra (a flush loo and broadband were non negotiables!!!)

 

I don't know if it is bog standard Aus male selfishness (my mum had seen a Panorama program about Aus men before we got married and I don't think Alan Whicker painted a glowing picture at the time cos mum was worried!) or what but I've met a few like that! We are not alone with Aussie husbands who refuse to move - I've got one mate who lives in a country town 50km out of Canberra and her DH won't even move out of that! It may deep down be a lack of confidence and adventure combined with a huge dose of apathy.

 

Your kids are going to be happiest with a happy mum! They don't have to live in Australia to be happy if that is not where their mum is happy.

 

I used to to use a range of CBT strategies which helped get me through every day by managing the intrusive thoughts but it never cured the problem. It was only when I removed myself from the situation that I could think clearly, lost the huge amount of weight I had gained and began to live life. I would have poo-pooed this like many other posters on here (usually living happily in Australia!) seem to want to do before I experienced it - it isn't something you wake up every morning and want to do! I hope that you can get some peace through Relationships Counselling and personal counselling!

 

edited to say - write the novel! I've often thought about that too!!!