Moving back to the UK after 10 years

[NicF]

Thank you everyone for your words. I am taking baby steps and will split and stay here for a while first. My oldest boy already lives up north in the mines and he only comes home once a month if I'm lucky. My youngest finishes school in November so I'm unsure what he plans to do and he's unsure too. I don't hate Australia, both here and UK have there good and bad points. I just have missed th UK for the last 4 years, and my family and friends. I go back regular but it seems to make me worse. The kids are the only thing that is keeping me here

 

It's tough time you are going through at the moment and it's not surprising that you are especially missing home and your support network. Only you can know what is best for you, your kids and your situation as only you know all the facts. The advice you will get on here will be coloured by the experiences of those giving the advice so try not to take anything to heart unless it suits and don't act on advice unless you honestly think it is the right thing to do. I hope you can find some happiness and peace, what ever you decide to do.

[supercow]

these are your children ,not your mates.

 

I know children bugger off eventually,but that's on their terms ,not yours.

 

 

 

Best lines on POI.

 

As you said, quite surprised at some responses and respect the different opinions. Your relationship with your kids at this point is surely the most important thing?

 

Putting myself in their shoes:

 

Parents divorce, mum buggers off and leaves us to go be happy half the world away. I'd not be so open minded at that age to think it may be the best thing for my mother... I'd see it as betrayal.

 

ps: Just out of interest. Those who have said she should go and do what's best for her / what makes her happy: have you got a close relationship with your parents?

 

 

it's not a criticism, but it would be an interesting observation.

Edited June 8, 2015 by supercow

[Guest]

Whilst I understand the sentiments being expressed here I am a little surprised that so many find it so easy to just say that the OP should up and leave her 17 and 19 year old sons in Oz. I wonder how many of those responding would recoil in horror if someone was looking to emigrate from UK to Oz leaving teenage sons back in the UK.

 

 

To answer your question, PIO logic amongst those either keen to move out here / loving it here etc, regarding older children being obligated to fit in with their parents' wishes normally goes along the lines of "they need to do as they're told" (when confronted with the prospect of the family moving out to Australia) or "you really need to consider the wishes of the kids" (when someone announces their desire to return home).

 

On MBTTUK it's probably logical to see that trend reversed, seeing as most of the people who frequent this particular forum are living in Australia for now, but hoping to return home soon.

[newjez]

Best lines on POI.

 

As you said, quite surprised at some responses and respect the different opinions. Your relationship with your kids at this point is surely the most important thing?

 

Putting myself in their shoes:

 

Parents divorce, mum buggers off and leaves us to go be happy half the world away. I'd not be so open minded at that age to think it may be the best thing for my mother... I'd see it as betrayal.

 

ps: Just out of interest. Those who have said she should go and do what's best for her / what makes her happy: have you got a close relationship with your parents?

 

 

it's not a criticism, but it would be an interesting observation.

 

The parents of most people on this forum are 12000 miles away.

[supercow]

The parents of most people on this forum are 12000 miles away.

 

 

So are mine, but I would classify my relationship with my parents as close.

Edited June 8, 2015 by supercow

[Gbye grey sky]

 

 

To answer your question, PIO logic amongst those either keen to move out here / loving it here etc, regarding older children being obligated to fit in with their parents' wishes normally goes along the lines of "they need to do as they're told" (when confronted with the prospect of the family moving out to Australia) or "you really need to consider the wishes of the kids" (when someone announces their desire to return home).

 

On MBTTUK it's probably logical to see that trend reversed, seeing as most of the people who frequent this particular forum are living in Australia for now, but hoping to return home soon.

 

The reason we are emigrating now and therefore retiring earlier than we otherwise would is because our daughter is 11 and must come with us. If we had waited until she was 17 or 18 we knew that she would have a free choice and there was a strong chance that she would have said 'no' which would have killed our plans essentially as we would not have left her.

 

In this instance only one parent is planning to migrate and I assume that the father is staying in Oz so when you infer that they should do as they are told - told by whom?

[CaptainR]

For the comments for and against leaving a 17 year old, it really is dependant on the individual. I left home to join the merchant navy at 17, but I know my sister took until her late 20's to break the bond with my parents and go her own direction.

Completely turning your back on Australia doesn't have to be the primary option, of course it depends on your financial setup and circumstances but perhaps split your time between the two countries, summer in the UK and summer in Oz, the best of both worlds. Eventually your children may have children of their own and you may want to be closer to them at that time, so I'd say look at a more open minded option if you can.

With some of the flight prices now, it's so easy to get back and forth between the UK and Oz. (as my employer well knows sending me for meetings and training in Europe for a few days at a time....).

[Johndoe]

I bowed out but continued to read................mainly because this is the kind of thread that screwed with my head but I just have to write

 

A precursor to this is that I was raised in care and joined the army at age 15 to avoid borstal so I appreciate that leaving a teenage child to fend for themselves or having a teenager leave home can have different results in different circumstance

 

A marriage break up is bad enough, but when you're alone, in a country that your now departed partner dragged you to, no matter how much you may feel that this country is "ok" it may cease to be home..............perhaps because you always felt that home was where you and your partner were at, and if they're no longer there together..........?

 

For those that say ( a simplification) that your kids will likely bugger off any way so "do your own thing" that is not a given. Sometimes, especially where a marriage breakup is concerned, kids will show intense devotion/judgement/reliance to the parent that they remain with and perpetrate intense adverse judgement on the parent that left them. My oldest (here in Oz) is 20 (autistic) and my youngest 18............they remain with me and are very negativeley judgemental of their mother's desertion of them despite me pleading (to them) mitigating cicumstance such as alcohol addiction. How could I possibly return to the UK and my 3 older sons, without the two younger feeling that I was deserting them just as their mother did? I don't want them to view their mother that way and I certainly don't want to compound it by having me leave them as well.

 

If I thought it would pan out ok, I could just walk, leave them with the house here and my older kids in the Uk would see that I was OK........but how would they feel about that? That I'd chosen my older boys from a previous marriage to them? They wouldn't see it as a choice of "country" because with the baggage that a marriage breakup brings, comes the baggage of those impacted by it, seeing themselves as victims, which kids, no matter their age, will always (sadly) do. They wopuld see it as a choice of family not of country.............and they would be the relegated part of the family.

 

Hopefully, my upcoming visit with my kids to their half brothers will show them that it isn't simply a choice of country, but of "heart belonging". My older boys love the youngers to death and my youngers love the fact that they are loved and held in high esteem by my 5 grandchildren (2 of whom are older than them) :-)

 

To Be Honest, as much as I love Oz, if it wasn't for employment opportunities of my autistic son and the halving of my pension income, I'd be back there to live out what's left of my days with what I was familar with in my younger days.

 

To me?????????????? and despite what has been written on this forum with regards to "give it two years" and depite what I may have thought previously, if you are having doubts, then despite overcoming those doubts short term, from what I have gathered from others, who gave it two years, that those doubts often returned in later years or when a fmily crisis arose.............so make your own call, because if, like me, you give it twenty years, then by then it is too late to change your mind

Edited June 8, 2015 by Johndoe

[Guest]

 

The reason we are emigrating now and therefore retiring earlier than we otherwise would is because our daughter is 11 and must come with us. If we had waited until she was 17 or 18 we knew that she would have a free choice and there was a strong chance that she would have said 'no' which would have killed our plans essentially as we would not have left her.

 

In this instance only one parent is planning to migrate and I assume that the father is staying in Oz so when you infer that they should do as they are told - told by whom?

 

Perhaps I didn't express myself very well. I was referencing the time-honoured PIO trait amongst those posters who love Australia which sees them earnestly advise fellow Brits with teenagers reluctant to move to Australia, to basically ride roughshod over their wishes in order to get the family out here. Those same posters seem to do an about-turn when other posters talk about returning to the UK, where they start counselling parents to be mindful of their kids' feelings in the face of horror of exposing them to the UK!

 

I'm sure you'll be fine though. Eleven is a good age I reckon for moving countries, and if your daughter doesn't like Australia then she can always return home when she's 18. My partner did as much when her folks moved her out here aged 14. We'll be heading in the opposite direction when our daughter turns eleven. She's fascinated by her British family and her Dad's home country so we're pretty confident she'll adapt. But, if she doesn't, she can always return to Australia when she's 18!

Edited June 8, 2015 by User70277

[fifi69]

 

Perhaps I didn't express myself very well. I was referencing the time-honoured PIO trait amongst those posters who love Australia which sees them earnestly advise fellow Brits with teenagers reluctant to move to Australia, to basically ride roughshod over their wishes in order to get the family out here. Those same posters seem to do an about-turn when other posters talk about returning to the UK, where they start counselling parents to be mindful of their kids' feelings in the face of horror of exposing them to the UK!

 

I'm sure you'll be fine though. Eleven is a good age I reckon for moving countries, and if your daughter doesn't like Australia then she can always return home when she's 18. My partner did as much when her folks moved her out here aged 14. We'll be heading in the opposite direction when our daughter turns eleven. She's fascinated by her British family and her Dad's home country so we're pretty confident she'll adapt. But, if she doesn't, she can always return to Australia when she's 18!

 

Maybe I'm not reading you right...apologies if not.

 

but I'm one of those parents that brought two screaming and kicking teenagers out to Aus., a 16 and a 18 year old.

 

the eldest had a UK uni place sorted, we were worried about how we would pay for it. Anyway she agreed to defer for a year to come.

she got a job here and they are paying her uni fees her, which because we are only pr are thousands of dollars. She loves life here.

 

the youngest has had great paying jobs here.....no career path as such.

 

but really ....to let kids determine your path as an adult.

 

kids grow up, they choose their own path.

 

best showing them that there is a whole world to consider outside their own backyard.

 

you might be drawn to your own little bubble ....but let your kids fly free

Edited June 8, 2015 by fifi69

[Gbye grey sky]

 

Maybe I'm not reading you right...apologies if not.

 

but I'm one of those parents that brought two screaming and kicking teenagers out to Aus., a 16 and a 18 year old.

 

the eldest had a UK uni place sorted, we were worried about how we would pay for it. Anyway she agreed to defer for a year to come.

she got a job here and they are paying her uni fees her, which because we are only pr are thousands of dollars. She loves life here.

 

the youngest has had great paying jobs here.....no career path as such.

 

but really ....to let kids determine your path as an adult.

 

kids grow up, they choose their own path.

 

best showing them that there is a whole world to consider outside their own backyard.

 

you might be drawn to your own little bubble ....but let your kids fly free

 

I am pleased that it worked out for you and your children.

 

We talked long and hard about our plans 2 to 3 years ago before embarking on our visa journey. We just could not imagine forcing our daughter to walk away from potential University, friends, boyfriend(?) at age 17/18 - and our reasons for going then would have seemed trivial when compared with her potential reasons for staying. Personally I don't consider 17+ as a child. They may still be financially (and emotionally dependent) on parents but their needs have developed and extend well beyond the immediate family and that is something I could not disregard or overrule personally.

 

Being in our 50s now our work prospects in Oz are limited at best so we had to be able to afford to retire early with an 11 year old. The sums barely added up in 2013 tbh but two years on our house has grown in value substantially and the exchange rate is 30% better so we have got lucky really. We are not big spenders and have saved hard too.

 

The OPs situation though is wholly different than all of us commenting on this as the parents are, regrettably, splitting up.

[Gbye grey sky]

Replies are attaching to the wrong quotes on this thread!!!!

[bunbury61]

So are mine, but I would classify my relationship with my parents as close.

 

Not mine .....and that was a concious decision ,that has come with a lot of drawbacks and not so many outward positives.

But if you are going to make statements like I have previously on this thread ,then you have to back them up .

I could be settled in a nice 5x2 somewhere in Perth now ...career ...nice salary ...new car ...swimming pool perhaps .....but to me ,my mother transcends all of that .....we done always see eye to eye ....and it isn't easy .....but ultimately family is everything .....

 

As an aside to that ...i have a mate here in brum ...his mom is dying of cancer ...his brother hasn't spoken to any of the family for 9 years after a family bust up ....this lad is not to be messed with .....but I felt obliged to track him down and tell him straight he was running out of time to make things right ,that one day the regrets would hit him like a freight train .

I've told him now ...he has weeks to make it right with his mom ,because you only get one mom ...its up to him

[newjez]

 

Maybe I'm not reading you right...apologies if not.

 

but I'm one of those parents that brought two screaming and kicking teenagers out to Aus., a 16 and a 18 year old.

 

the eldest had a UK uni place sorted, we were worried about how we would pay for it. Anyway she agreed to defer for a year to come.

she got a job here and they are paying her uni fees her, which because we are only pr are thousands of dollars. She loves life here.

 

the youngest has had great paying jobs here.....no career path as such.

 

but really ....to let kids determine your path as an adult.

 

kids grow up, they choose their own path.

 

best showing them that there is a whole world to consider outside their own backyard.

 

you might be drawn to your own little bubble ....but let your kids fly free

 

 

It often does work out, but it often doesn't.

 

You can't really use your good fortune as advice for others. It's like saying I jumped into a lion pit and didn't get eaten, so you try.

 

When it doesn't work out, then you have all the guilt with that. Migrant marriages often break, and that causes all sorts of issues. I'm a product of those issues. I was dragged from one country to another. I wouldn't have minded so much if there was a purpose. My parents were searching for something, as so many here are. I don't think they have found it.

 

My kids are grounded. No way I would risk that without just cause. I've lived in both countries, love both countries, know the pros and cons of both.

 

After going down this slippery migration slope, when it all goes pear shaped, there are no winners. I assume the LP's marriage fell apart because she wanted to return, hubby didn't. Does it then make sense for her to stay? If it wasn't a big deal, the marriage wouldn't have failed. It is quite likely she's depressed.

 

If I can offer anything in the way of advice, I think it would be for the op to holiday in the UK and put things in perspective. Then have a good long think, and a good long talk with her sons to find the best way forward.

[adelenaylor]

A big part of my marriage break up is because I miss home, not the only reason though. I love my job here and do my best to keep myself busy every day, but to be honest I work harder and don't appreciate what I have here. Its a beautiful place but not for everyone. I get told often by my husband that I will regret moving back, it's a real difficult decision and I'm struggling with it big time. My heart wants to go back but my head says I can't. I do sometimes feel like I should do what I want but then it changes to say don't be selfish and stay for the kids. As a single person I know I would be financially better off in the UK, I worry I won't survive over here with how expensive things are. So many things to consider which is why I have put this up x

[Guest The Pom Queen]

Replies are attaching to the wrong quotes on this thread!!!!

Quotes fixed, please can everyone check in the text box before hitting submit that you are quoting the right person

[kiwiathome]

I loved a quote a poster put on another recent thread "I am sure if your heart is happy then your head is right" or something like that. (sorry can not remember which member)

 

I think if you miss home that much, and it was a big part of why your marriage broke up, how can you be the best you in Australia? And how are you going to have the strength and support to recover in Australia without your friends and family who are back in UK? You are a person in your own right and you deserve to live the life you want after putting you children first for nearly 20 years.

 

And is it really fair for your husband (or nearly ex) to be telling you a lot you will regret moving back? Surely that just pulls you down even more?

 

If your 19 year old is away at the mines and you only see him once a month, is it worth staying in Australia for the other 30 days for him? Surely there would be opportunities to see him in the future and keep an open door policy?

 

If you youngest is 17 and finishing school in November, as another member suggested, could you two not take a trip back to England together and show him another option? He may end up loving the opportunities of England and meeting the other members of his family.

[kiwiathome]

And I meant to add into the above post. My parents divorced when I was 16, just turning 17. Actually the timing was for me to finish high school so I could leave the family home which was being sold. I was the youngest so they waited for me.

 

It was all nicely and logically planned. Dad did his own thing, I went to a city to start my tertiary education. I lived with an auntie and worked two part time jobs to pay my way.

 

My mum who was a nurse prior, went back to education and re trained to become a mid wife. So technically my mum told me to leave because she wanted to re start her life and was off to study. I was very proud of her. And we use to meet up all the time as were both studying in the same city. She had been very unhappy in her marriage and I was so pleased she was having another chance. There was never any animosity.

 

Then at 20 I left NZ to go to England. She was sad to see me go, but we both had our own lives to lead.

 

(I am seeing her in two weeks time when she comes over for a holiday:wubclub:

[Guest]

Maybe I'm not reading you right...apologies if not.

 

but I'm one of those parents that brought two screaming and kicking teenagers out to Aus., a 16 and a 18 year old.

 

the eldest had a UK uni place sorted, we were worried about how we would pay for it. Anyway she agreed to defer for a year to come.

she got a job here and they are paying her uni fees her, which because we are only pr are thousands of dollars. She loves life here.

 

the youngest has had great paying jobs here.....no career path as such.

 

but really ....to let kids determine your path as an adult.

 

kids grow up, they choose their own path.

 

best showing them that there is a whole world to consider outside their own backyard.

 

you might be drawn to your own little bubble ....but let your kids fly free

 

 

Absolutely right. I'm pretty sure that our daughter being the free spirit that she is, will elect to live in Australia (or wherever) if we're in England. That's just part of adapting to them getting older and becoming independent of you I suppose, that they develop plans of their own. :smile:

[Katie22]

I've Been in Queensland now 10years and for the last 4 years have missed home.

my difficulty is that my marriage is just about to break up and my boys are 19 and 17 and will not move back at all.

i don't blame them but it makes my decision hard.

im also scared to fit back in.

anyone on here moved back and felt the same

 

Yes, I have felt and feel the same. Been here 13 yrs. Came here for my husband but I never settled, was just hoping to stay here for few years but then got trapped. He never wanted to return so I stayed for the children to grow up here as could not take them away from him. We split up properly last year and then I decided to move back but I'm very very lucky in that both my 20 yr and 17 yr old want to come with me. Would I feel the same if they didn't? Yes, I would but would be heartbreaking to leave them too. However, one's an adult and one finishes school next year and will then be itching to leave herself. After a 20 yr marriage ending, I am not only facing a future that was very different to the one I was anticipating - death do us part and all that - but my children are now embarking on their own lives and I need to make one for myself too.

 

Saying that I'm scared (very!) so all 3 of us are going back for a trip in 2 weeks time to get a feel of the place, do some exploring and then make the definite decision on whether to move or not. If your sons are adamant they do not want to return then maybe just plan on going back initially for a year and then review the situation. During that time they may very well plan on visiting you and their minds may change. But you need to live your life for yourself as well as your family. Is it any more selfish than migrating in the first place which all of the posters here including myself have done? I often regret taking my children away from their extended family, their school, their friends just because my husband wanted a "better life" for them which what he really meant was a better life for him. My ex has told me the move will end in "disaster" but to be honest I couldn't give a monkeys what he thinks!