Only child dilemma......

[Gerrards]

I was wondering if anyone is happy to share there experience of telling the parents? Or is there any other 'only' children out there that has made the move?

 

We visited Brisbane in May on a recki and when we returned, we told our parents of our intension to apply to move. My hubby's Mum said she would miss us all but what a fantastic opportunity and good luck to us, she is due to retire next year and is in a position to visit yearly. My parents have been a totally different ball game! They to are fortunate to be able to visit yearly (if they wanted to) in fact a few times per year, but I have serious doubts that will be happening!

 

I am 41, an only child with children aged 11 & 8, I have always been close to my parents, they have been supportive and generous throughout my life but actually, I now realise, I was quite controlled but didn't realise it at the time. My Dad is a builder and my husband is a joiner, we have done a few self build houses here and Dad has kindly helped. They have played a big part in our lives, and at times, been quite overpowering which has caused upset between my husband and me.

 

Now I obviously knew they wouldn't be over the moon with the news but I never actually prepared myself for the barrage of abuse we have received. My parents have said some of the most awful things including:

 

• How can I do this to them
  
• How can I sleep at night at the thought of leaving your mum & dad
  
• I have turned on them and been brainwashed by my husband
  
• You have stressed your Dad that much that he is going to die over this, you don't want that on your conscious
  
• How can I take the grandchildren away
  
• We are cutting you out the will and off you go to Australia, it will all go wrong for you all but don't come back to us as we wouldn't give you a 'bad penny'
  
• I don't ever want to see your husband again as I'm going to stab him!
  

 

 

My Dad told me my husband is basically crap at his job, doesn't provide enough and will not find a job in Australia (even though he has been offered one) and some other very personal things, he then actually tried to punch him in our home, it was awful.

 

Our relationship now is very wooden shall we say, we speak to them about seeing the children and what the weathers doing etc, etc..... Last week we told them that hubby had been offer a job and the house was going on the market, we told them as they asked us not to talk about it (we haven't) but keep them updated with our progress (we have), I tried to talk rationally to them but it still ended up in an argument and more personal attacks on us.

That night my Mum rang me to say I had said some very sensible things earlier and I'm to go with their blessing, they will visit and you never know they might actually like it, I felt that a huge weight had been lifted......only to come crashing back down the following morning when she rang to say that she has changed her mind, she still doesn't understand how I could leave them and she has no inkling to see my husband ever again, he has caused her too much hurt!

 

Sorry to ramble on, it actually feels good to write it down......Thanks for reading

[MovingtoTasmania]

I'm really sorry to hear about your parents but I feel that a lot of why they are behaving like this is because they know that you leaving will cause a huge hole in their lives. It sounds as if you have always been very close and leaving, even if it was to move to the other end of the UK, is going to have a profound effect on them. It also sounds like they have invested a lot in your family and again, they will feel that loss of contact with their grandchildren.

 

I feel that for now, you need to continue as you are doing but avoid talking too much of the move and when they say these hurtful things, completely ignore them and change the subject, hard though it is. I haven't yet told my dad that I'm leaving the UK but I think he's got an inkling. I have no idea how he will react but hey ho. Ultimately, you need to do what's right for you and you need to give your parents some time to come to terms with things. Once you've moved over, you will see that there is a change in their attitude but it will take time.

 

Be strong and continue with your plans and remember why you are doing this. You can only live your life for yourself, not for anyone else.

[Guest]

I emigrated to Australia as an only child, taking my parents only grandchild, I am not saying it was easy, they were in their late 70s when we left and not in good enough health to travel.

 

They were absolutely 100% supportive - I know they were upset but would have never stood in my way, they have always supported me and we have a very good relationship as a result.

 

After 4 years in Aus we decided to return, lots of reasons not relevant here but the fact my parents were missing out was a factor (when Australia offered us a lifestyle definitely no better, possibly worse than the one we had previously). my parents were delighted but said more than once not to come back for them.

 

If they had not supported us and we had gone, then come back anyway, the damage would have been done and would be difficult to repair.

 

I do understand why parents would be upset - I may well face my only child returning at some point but they have really crossed the line with their comments and attitude towards your husband.

 

I am surprised that the relationship is even wooden, I think I would have reacted rather more strongly than that!

[Gbye grey sky]

I know there are two sides to every story but most of those statements are just not forgivable in my view I'm afraid. I fell out with my parents several years ago not over Oz and I am not an only child so there are no direct parallels. However there is one theme that I recognise from what you have said and that is the blaming of my wife for the fallout even though she had nothing whatever to do with the point at issue with us. And I have come to understand why. If they blamed you then by extension they have some responsibility as your parents but blaming the partner is easier. I am pleased that you two seem to be standing strong together over this.

 

i would suggest writing them a letter telling them that the things they have said may have done irreparable harm to your future relationship with them and suggest they calm down and reflect on their actions before it is too late.

 

I feel for you on this but, by the sound of it, escaping their control seems wise.

[Quoll]

They're grieving and lashing out with the only weapon they have and of course it will be sh*t. No they're not being kind but they're hurting, the lives that they saw for themselves in old age are suddenly barren. Youre going to have to be strong and take them at their word - they may well cut you off because that is the only way they can cope. You do it with your eyes open and accept the consequences of your actions. With luck they may come around but if they don't then you know what faces you. I don't for one moment condone what they have said or done but people cope the only way they know how and sometimes it isn't pleasant. I would hang on to the house, not sell it, and perhaps say that you're going initially for a couple of years to see how you like it - there's a chance they may get used to you being gone and then if you decide to stay they'll take it on the chin.

 

Yes I am an only child and yes I took the only grandkids away without a second thought and, fortunately, my parents said nothing except "it's your life, get on with it". I've said the same to my son who emigrated back to UK and we now have grandkids on both sides of the world. Grandparenting via Skype is crap so don't expect your parents to enjoy it - I survive better with out of sight is out of mind personally. Now my parents are old and infirm I've returned to care for them - they neither asked nor expected it of us but it was the right thing to do.

 

At at the end of the day it's your life to do with as you choose and take the good with the bad. Being an only child sucks TBH!

[boganbear]

Do what you and your husband think is best for you and your kids and ignore your parents. They are being selfish and need to get used to the idea. Would they have the same reaction if you moved to another part of the country? My family come from the midlands but we lived in Devon so I rarely saw any of my family including grandparents. For me it was a fact of life. For your kids, not having extended family will be relatively normal as most migrants wont have family in Oz.

 

i wont have kids but I do worry about what will happen if my dad has a serious illness or when he passes away. I might not have the money to go back for the funeral or afford to take time off work but I'll cross that bridge when it comes.

 

Your parents will have their lives and will carry on. My dad has remarried and him and my stepmum are happy. They have just visited us and it was lovely to see them and meet my stepmum for the first time.

[ali]

I normally say that people are experiencing a sense of loss and do say some things in the heat of the moment, but the comments directed to your husband are terrible and you're certainly on an emotional roller coaster with your mum changing her mind. However, at that one point your mum said you said some sensible things - I'd just keep saying those things. Your parents talk about you taking the grandchildren away but need to see that their behaviour and comments are actually pushing the relationship to it's limits destroying any relationship with them completely.

[tina0101]

It's not easy, I've had some really nasty things said by my mum (she told my son we would ruin his education, she refuses to talk about it - even up to the day we left we hadn't had a proper conversation).

But it's important you stick to your guns and don't keep it bottled up inside. If you feel you can't vent out loud, put it all on this thread. Most of us have been there - some with supportive family, some without.

[Gerrards]

Thanks all for your honesty and unbiased opinions, it does help.

 

We paid and applied for our visas today and our house is being put on the market this week, so looks like it's really happening! I feel the need to breath into a paper bag, it's all a bit frightening!!

 

I have decided to write my parents a letter, I will keep you posted......

[ali]

Thanks all for your honesty and unbiased opinions, it does help.

 

We paid and applied for our visas today and our house is being put on the market this week, so looks like it's really happening! I feel the need to breath into a paper bag, it's all a bit frightening!!

 

I have decided to write my parents a letter, I will keep you posted......

 

Good luck - whatever happens if you can keep some line of communication open (wether they take it or not at the moment), then it is good. I didn't have the same problems, but I did thank my dad for raising me to be strong enough to make strong and independent decisions and to look after my own family as he looked after me. I know that at some point in life my own two may wish to live away - I just want to be as gracious as my dad was.

[tina0101]

I think the frankest and most honest 'discussion' I had with my mum was over email!!

 

Keep your chin up :-)

[starlight7]

I am an only child, too. My parents gave their blessings to us even though they didn't like it. We were very young, though and I think maybe at that age we didn't think of them getting older etc- life was one big adventure for us. My first feelings for you were horror at what your parents said too you and thinking I would run like the wind from that dysfunctional relationship. Then I thought- we are all different and maybe that is how they express themselves, some people are a lot more 'up front' than others. Don't let the emotional blackmail stuff happen, though, do what you need to do with your life- it is your life, not theirs, after all.

[Gerrards]

Hi Guys,

I would like to say this a positive update, but I would be lying!

 

I haven't had chance to email my parents yet, I have tried hard to keep the lines of communication open, pleasantries passed and they have seen the children.

 

My Dad asked me to come to their house this morning on my own. This was tell me that they went to the solicitors yesterday and removed me from their will, I asked what I had done wrong and he said they to do something to get me back for wanting to move to Australia, I did again say it was initially for 2 years and we have asked you to join us, but they made it very clear they will not even visit.

 

They said words do not matter and whatever they have said in the past about us should just roll off our backs, I said that words are hurtful, you haven't showed any respect to us and done and said whatever you wanted to and we haven't retaliated, the reply was I have no respect for them or I would not want to leave the uk.

 

They also want to break complete ties with my husband & I now but still want to see the children. My mum told me she hates me more than she hates my husband, and I am a hard nosed daughter who she doesn't even know. My dad told me he has given me a very good life, too good in fact and this is how I pay him back, moving the other side of the world, he then pushed me out his house and told me they are finished with me.

 

I am absolutely heart broken that my parents can say these awful things and think that I'm in shock. I fully understand that us moving would be terribly upsetting for them but is this amount of abuse normal from parents???

 

Lets just hope that this move is worth all the stress and heartache!

[MovingtoTasmania]

I don't think this is normal to be honest as whilst I can understand that they are upset, to cut out of their will and cut off all ties with you is ridiculous. It sounds very controlling actually and at the risk of sounding hard hearted, you are better off without parents who only allow you to what they want and if you dare to have a mind of your own, then they cut you down like this. The move will be worth it, if it's what you want. I think this nasty side was always there but more tempered by the fact that you still kowtowed to them and obeyed their wishes most of the time but this is seriously out of order and I'm sorry that they have been like this with you :hug:

[Que Sera Sera]

This is NOT normal and they are behaving like angry teenagers. What appalling behaviour. As adults yes we can be hurt and lash out but to go to those extremes is disgusting . I'd be vary wary about the time you allow your children to spend with their Grandparents because you can be pretty certain comments will be made to them or they may even try to use them to get you to change your mind. I feel very sorry for you but you are going to have to be tough because they are certainly not acting in a normal reasonable way.

[Chortlepuss]

This is an extraordinary story. They really are cutting off their noses up spite their face! Whatever you do, you cannot give up now as you have to stand up to this sort of bullying. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Hope you can stay strong - you do have to live your lives.

[Scrutineer]

I was wondering if anyone is happy to share there experience of telling the parents?

 

I moved around a lot as a child including living in Australia for many years, so my parents were of the same mind (or more likely, I was of their mind) and were totally supportive, and have remained so throughout our time here. My wife's family were a very "local" family (i.e. all of them the same town since time immemorial) and for them going into the next county is a major journey, so they were predictably less supportive. Of course, you can't tell your kids where to live, so we went anyway. We often think about moving back, at least temporarily, but - irony alert - their attitude sometimes makes us think twice. If they had been more relaxed and supportive we would have missed their support, and this would make our case for returning stronger, but as they withdrew from our lives somewhat, to register their disapproval, we have moved on without them. We are still all on good terms, but there is a passive-aggressive thing lurking at their end of it, I sometimes think. They are all good people though.

[Alaska]

So sorry you are going through this. Do they not realise that even if their appalling behaviour worked and you stayed, your relationship would never be the same.

I completely understand they are upset but it is not ok what they are doing to you. x

[Guest Ptp113]

Hi Guys,

I would like to say this a positive update, but I would be lying!

 

I haven't had chance to email my parents yet, I have tried hard to keep the lines of communication open, pleasantries passed and they have seen the children.

 

My Dad asked me to come to their house this morning on my own. This was tell me that they went to the solicitors yesterday and removed me from their will, I asked what I had done wrong and he said they to do something to get me back for wanting to move to Australia, I did again say it was initially for 2 years and we have asked you to join us, but they made it very clear they will not even visit.

 

They said words do not matter and whatever they have said in the past about us should just roll off our backs, I said that words are hurtful, you haven't showed any respect to us and done and said whatever you wanted to and we haven't retaliated, the reply was I have no respect for them or I would not want to leave the uk.

 

They also want to break complete ties with my husband & I now but still want to see the children. My mum told me she hates me more than she hates my husband, and I am a hard nosed daughter who she doesn't even know. My dad told me he has given me a very good life, too good in fact and this is how I pay him back, moving the other side of the world, he then pushed me out his house and told me they are finished with me.

 

I am absolutely heart broken that my parents can say these awful things and think that I'm in shock. I fully understand that us moving would be terribly upsetting for them but is this amount of abuse normal from parents???

 

Lets just hope that this move is worth all the stress and heartache!

 

Pom nastiness at its best. The quicker you get away from them and the country the better of you'll be

[Gbye grey sky]

I am sorry to read the update but not at all surprised. I still think you should have written the letter (not an email as handwriting is more personal). Your father sounds like someone who is used to getting his own way. The melodramatic way of delivering the message was designed to shock you and is a calculated gamble to assert his authority over you. They must feel that you can be beaten or i suspect they would not take such a gamble.

 

When you say they are cutting you out of the will I assume that the will has been changed so that the grandchildren are the beneficiaries and that if they are minors at the time of death then the estate will be in trust for them. I hope and assume that this is more a symbolic matter for you rather than a hope for the future inheritance itself.

 

I believe you should place limitations on their access to the grandchildren. Arrangements must be agreed in writing and at all times the grandchildren have to be accompanied and supervised by a parent. I would put all dealings with them in writing from now on and use temperate wording so as not to pour oil on the fire.

[Lindor]

Pom nastiness at its best. The quicker you get away from them and the country the better of you'll be

 

And you would know!

[Guest Ptp113]

And you would know!

Yep I escaped. That poor bastard will too

[boganbear]

I'm so sorry to read your update. Emigrating is stressful enough without this hassle. However your parents are behaving in a nasty, vindictive, spiteful and selfish manner. You and your kids are better off without them. How on earth can any parent not want to see their kids do the best in life and for you to give your family the best that you can? So what if it us on the other side of the world. Their behaviour is not normal so be assured that they are entirely at fault. You and your husband need to be strong for each roger and your kids and I wish you the best. Hugs

[Freckleface]

I have to say I am astounded by your parents attitude. If they are unable to love you unconditionally and want to behave like spoilt toddlers throwing a tantrum I would not allow them to have any access to my children until they could demonstrate they are able to act like mature and responsible adults.

 

They say a persons true colours are revealed when they are under stress so I suspect you are seeing your parents as they really are for the first time. :hug:

[Shelley Scott]

How dreadful for you! I'm 40 and an only child with 3 kids. We emigrated 2 years ago, my parents are very supportive and are due to come over for their 3 visit in January with hopes of eventually settling here with us. It isn't all roses though as they stay with us while they are here and while it's great for me sometimes I feel the strain for my hubby. Everyone gets on but it can get stressful living together in a small environment!

I think you and your family will flourish when you move, I certainly don't miss the feeling of being under my parents control and they aren't nearly as controlling as your parents sound!

Your parents will regret the way they have treated you and your husband and I'm sure your children are being affected by their negative, destructive behaviour.

Good luck, stay strong for the sake of your husband and kids.

Shelley.