help! how do you know when enough is enough?

[billington22]

So,, found out on friday my work contract won't be renewed. I've been here 4 years but tbh, have wanted to go back to the uk for pretty much the whole time. I've had so many personal and professional knockbacks during that time it's unreal. But the question I'm wondering is,, 'how do you know when enough is enough? Is there usually a trigger or is it more a slow burning realisation? I think my time has come to call it quits and return home. I'm so frightened of making the wrong decision. My uk family just want me home. My husband ( after refusing to discuss it for the last 4 years) is coming round to the idea but doesn't want to leave really. My 8 yo daughter would love to return to be with grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins etc. i read all the comments/threads on here with so much interest. I know I'm not alone... But those who have made the decision to return how do you finally come to that?! Returning home seems harder than the decision to leave in the first place!! Any advice would be great.

[Guest]

Hi Billington

 

It is a hard decision to make I agree. You work through all the hurdles to get the visa and look forward to the move, then when it is time to go elsewhere it seems much more daunting. I guess its about getting the mind set right - its not going "back" its going forward to a different place than where you are now.

I honestly can't tell you how we made the decision. I didn't consciously think about it and we didn't talk about it until one day DH said, I think I am done here. I immediately felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and then the conversation started about where to go.

As you will see from my post, we are no where near going yet, still got lots to do and heaps of stress to overcome, but decision is made, its now about timing.

I got loads of good advice on my thread. Planning, doing things piece by piece, but i guess first you all need to be happy with the decision. Some of the saddest threads I see are from families torn apart by the decision to move.

You have to work out what is important and plan around that. I am very lucky in that I am happy to live wherever DH and the kids are, plus we are all in agreement about what we are going to do.

If you can, get your citizenship, if you haven't already because decisions don't have to be for life. All you have to do is make the right decision for you and your family at the time, and what ever that decision is, never regret it.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide

[Aunt Agatha]

Sorry to hear you've had a tough time. Our story is slightly different as we always intended to go back at some point (four year study visa which we turned into 11 years and citizenship!) although we never actually took any action and in fact bought a house here etc. So I suppose we were just drifting.

 

Parental ill-health brought it to the forefront of our minds, a visit to the UK cemented the idea that we would definitely go but schooling was the final push. Our daughter is due to start school (reception class) in the UK in Sept 2015 so we made the decision to move back ASAP in order to meet the school application deadline in Jan. Unfortunately we had to wait for my husband's work bonus to help with move costs and that has pushed our leave date to Feb.

 

I absolutely agree that we (returnees) seem to put more thought into and experience more angst about the move back than we ever did coming to Australia. Perhaps we are older and wiser, or perhaps our view of the UK is more realistic than our pre-emigration views of Australia, this exotic country on the other side of the world. I try to see it all as part of life's adventure and not worry too much about it being the "right" decision. Don't get me wrong, I still fret about certain things and have wobbles about the move (as my post on here will testify) but overall I think if you're moving from one first-world country to another, you can't go too far wrong, especially if one of those countries feels like "home".

 

Maybe your contract not being renewed is the push you need? A natural break in the rhythm of your life to give you a chance to see clearly what you really want. You could ask yourself, what if it goes wrong? But what if it goes right?!

[ali]

I think at the end of the day - you just know, if you really spend more time thinking of a life somewhere else then you need to give yourself the opportunity to try it (if you can) ... just like you did with Aus.

The benefit of being in the UK for you is you have a ready made support system and people who will help you re-adjust to a way of life you're familiar with but will still be a little different after your time away. As has been said, nothing need be for ever - if you have an opportunity to keep your options open to return if you want to - then it may be worth taking them.

 

Good luck

[Guest]

If you've wanted to be back in the UK most of your time in Aus, your job is not renewing your contract (are you on a temp 4 year visa perchance? If so this move was always to be viewed as a temp thing surely? Unless you sought out sponsorship), hubby is ok (as in coming round to it all) and your daughter would love to return, tbh I don't see the need to think about it further. Make plans and go.

[Quoll]

If you've wanted to be back in the UK most of your time in Aus, your job is not renewing your contract (are you on a temp 4 year visa perchance? If so this move was always to be viewed as a temp thing surely? Unless you sought out sponsorship), hubby is ok (as in coming round to it all) and your daughter would love to return, tbh I don't see the need to think about it further. Make plans and go.

 

Yup, lots of signs there I think!

[billington22]

Thanks everyone,, it has been a massive rollercoaster. The journey hasn't been an easy one. (maybe all signs from the big man upstairs!!) We are now on a perm visa. (initially a regional sponsored 457) we will definitely go for citizenship in the very near future. A few months ago My husband asked his work if he can have 12 months unpaid leave (just in case it doesn't work out) but i wanted to wait until i found out about my contract before making any decisions. My heart knows... And i think my head is catching up! We moved here to give our children a better start but seems i completely underestimated the need for family! Like you say,, if we do move back and realise we've made a mistake we can always come back! I shouldn't over analyse everything but I'm worried about making the wrong decision. Cheers again!

[Guest]

I think like others have said when you know you know....some of us just ignore the nagging feeling for longer than others before we make the decision.

[Scrutineer]

We moved here to give our children a better start but seems i completely underestimated the need for family!

 

Family must be the number one reason for expat failures. Personally, I feel the pressure to return more and more as I watch my children grow up. They should be around their family, I tell myself. I think we'll go back too, one day, but I wonder if it might be for trial-run period.

[CaptainR]

Are you in a position to be able to go to the UK for a holiday, might be easier to assess your options after a few weeks there exploring the possibilities.

[darkstone1975]

For me its always been of those things stewing in the background, been in Australia 11 years, I think after about 5 yrs i had the urge to return,

even holidays back didn't make me change my mind.

and its only really this year with eldest daughter turning 18 next March, has it made us get off our backside and do something about it so she has the choice to stay with us as family.

[Guest]

Dark stone Snap! 11 nearly 12 years in and time to go. Eldest is going to the UK whether we do or not so the timing is right.

 

I think I knew it wouldn't be forever when I started reading the MBTTUK forums after about 7 years.

It's just taken us another 5 to be ready

[Chortlepuss]

'I'm done here' is a great way of expressing it. I started feeling that after 5 years so think Ive had a good innings. Now nearly 8 years and what has kept me here is children's schooling. Still not ideal with son turning 18 soon. I still find myself wishing I could go out for the day, or take a trip somewhere in UK and realise that it's not possible! I yearn for a walk on the Sussex Downs far more than I wish for a trip to Noosa or Bondi beach. Spent decades wishing to live in the sun and thinking of Oz as exotic but now it's just somewhere where I don't belong.

[Perthbum]

'I'm done here' is a great way of expressing it. I started feeling that after 5 years so think Ive had a good innings. Now nearly 8 years and what has kept me here is children's schooling. Still not ideal with son turning 18 soon. I still find myself wishing I could go out for the day, or take a trip somewhere in UK and realise that it's not possible! I yearn for a walk on the Sussex Downs far more than I wish for a trip to Noosa or Bondi beach. Spent decades wishing to live in the sun and thinking of Oz as exotic but now it's just somewhere where I don't belong.

 

The sun can be a master and not a slave for many, I so missed my walks in the cotswolds and derbyshire and around stratford so much, whats so good about 30+ heat anyway?

[cjscjs]

The sun can be a master and not a slave for many, I so missed my walks in the cotswolds and derbyshire and around stratford so much, whats so good about 30+ heat anyway?

 

Nothing wrong with 30°c plus heat, but like someone else said on here, " not all day every day", variety is the spice of life, so they say.

[Perthbum]

Nothing wrong with 30°c plus heat, but like someone else said on here, " not all day every day", variety is the spice of life, so they say.

Exactly , and that is why I enjoy the temperate climate of the UK even though at times it has been to hot for my personal taste.

[Scrutineer]

Some have described the Adelaide climate as either too hot or too cold, and I wouldn't disagree too strongly with that, to be honest.

[cjscjs]

Originally Posted by Perthbum

The sun can be a master and not a slave for many, I so missed my walks in the cotswolds and derbyshire and around stratford so much, whats so good about 30+ heat anyway?

 

 

If you'd actually been to Oz you'd know it isn't 30+ every day.

 

He has hence the name, Perthbum, and I live in Brisbane. You must try not to take things too literally, I think you know very well what we both meant.

[Celt Down Under]

Are you in a position to be able to go to the UK for a holiday, might be easier to assess your options after a few weeks there exploring the possibilities.

 

I was going to say the same. If you are in a position to be able to go back for a few weeks first, then decide. You may find that after the initial welcome, that it is not what it seems, that your friends have moved on in life, that the family will not always be there for you each day. I think that a lot that do go back are surprised that they feel "left out" to a certain extent. It is not an easy decision to make, and not one that anyone can make for you. Your Hubbys thoughts on 12 months leave of absence is a great idea. He is thinking ahead it seems, and I hope that his company agree to it. All the best to you on what you decide to do.

[Zack]

We came back to the UK 12 months ago.It's been dreadful.I wanted to go back to Australia in the first two weeks But was talked into buying a house,Things will be much better in your own home.It wasn't it just got worse. It's not the country or the people.It's the system!The crowds,England is bursting at the seems,Millions of immigrants that live like they did a 1000 years ago in their own land,and want to change England to their ways.Unless you have heaps of cash,to buy a house in the country.There's no easy way.You have to find out yourself.The Tories have got the British people were they want them,They have imported millioms of cheap labour when they joined the Eu.The Brits have given up,nobody cares the Tories have introduced zero hours working contracts.The boss only has to provide 16 hours work.To his staff.

[Perthbum]

We came back to the UK 12 months ago.It's been dreadful.I wanted to go back to Australia in the first two weeks But was talked into buying a house,Things will be much better in your own home.It wasn't it just got worse. It's not the country or the people.It's the system!The crowds,England is bursting at the seems,Millions of immigrants that live like they did a 1000 years ago in their own land,and want to change England to their ways.Unless you have heaps of cash,to buy a house in the country.There's no easy way.You have to find out yourself.The Tories have got the British people were they want them,They have imported millioms of cheap labour when they joined the Eu.The Brits have given up,nobody cares the Tories have introduced zero hours working contracts.The boss only has to provide 16 hours work.To his staff.

93% of the population of the UK are white British, dont know where you live but i walk for hours in the cotswolds derbyshire and cornwall and never see another soul, i agree we have a useless inept government though.

[fifi69]

We came back to the UK 12 months ago.It's been dreadful.I wanted to go back to Australia in the first two weeks But was talked into buying a house,Things will be much better in your own home.It wasn't it just got worse. It's not the country or the people.It's the system!The crowds,England is bursting at the seems,Millions of immigrants that live like they did a 1000 years ago in their own land,and want to change England to their ways.Unless you have heaps of cash,to buy a house in the country.There's no easy way.You have to find out yourself.The Tories have got the British people were they want them,They have imported millioms of cheap labour when they joined the Eu.The Brits have given up,nobody cares the Tories have introduced zero hours working contracts.The boss only has to provide 16 hours work.To his staff.

 

The post of the week for sure...

 

Fi xx

[tea4too]

We came back to the UK 12 months ago.It's been dreadful.I wanted to go back to Australia in the first two weeks But was talked into buying a house,Things will be much better in your own home.It wasn't it just got worse. It's not the country or the people.It's the system!The crowds,England is bursting at the seems,Millions of immigrants that live like they did a 1000 years ago in their own land,and want to change England to their ways.Unless you have heaps of cash,to buy a house in the country.There's no easy way.You have to find out yourself.The Tories have got the British people were they want them,They have imported millioms of cheap labour when they joined the Eu.The Brits have given up,nobody cares the Tories have introduced zero hours working contracts.The boss only has to provide 16 hours work.To his staff.

I know you are unhappy in the UK Zack, as much if not more so than you were in Aus before the move, but feelings can distort what we see. For all its problems, and there are a fair few, the UK is still a good place to live, work and raise a family for lots and lots of people. Personally I don’t see a country bursting at the seams, I regularly see the sights in the photographs attached.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-29526567

But then I’m happy to live in the UK and maybe that affects what I see and look for too. Tx

[Perthbum]

I know you are unhappy in the UK Zack, as much if not more so than you were in Aus before the move, but feelings can distort what we see. For all its problems, and there are a fair few, the UK is still a good place to live, work and raise a family for lots and lots of people. Personally I don’t see a country bursting at the seams, I regularly see the sights in the photographs attached.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-29526567

But then I’m happy to live in the UK and maybe that affects what I see and look for. Tx

I think Zack is very bitter with his life, attack where you live is his outlet.

[Guest]

I think there are a couple of serious points to take from Zack's post though, firstly that is that not everyone that moves back is happy, some regret it therefore don't burn bridges. We did decide to sell our house but we kept the plans just in case we decided to move back and wanted the option to build the same house again We kept our relationships with employers and friends good again who knows?

 

Secondly the UK is very diverse so where you move back to is important, if you move back to an area of multiple deprivation then life isn't going to be as good.

 

To the OP - we experienced everything life could throw at us in our 4 years in Perth but it took a trip back to the UK to 'know', seeing my 9 year old break his heart at leaving, saying goodbye to my parents and realising we were going back to a life that was a pale imitation of the rich and diverse life we had lead in Europe (& I say Europe because it wasn't just the UK we missed). Initially we talked about a 'working holiday' in the UK for 12 months to decide where we were happiest but the more we talked about it the more we were honest about our true feelings about our life in Australia - it wasn't a case of not liking it more a case of 'this is it'?

 

I was worried about ping ponging but then I realised that wasn't something to worry about, we had citizenship and were free to live where we wanted when we wanted, we needed to answer to no-one but ourselves. Some people see leaving Australia as a 'failure' but to me it was no different than moving to London from Newcastle and then 13 years later moving from London to Scotland...I didn't 'fail' at moving to London - life changed and what I wanted changed and we moved on. We thought Australia would offer us more than Scotland and it didn't so we moved on again. Failing is surely not being happy but not doing anything about it?