mrs miggins Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 We have been living here as a family since November last year. We have all had a bit of homesickness it comes and goes as you all probably know. Anyway the other night my daughter who is 13, burst into tears said she hates living here, is missing her friends and family and begged us to go back to the UK. This is the second time we have lived here in Australia she would have been 8 yrs old the first time and settled in well, probably due to her age at the time. We have a younger child and he said he loves it here and doesn't want to go back. Has anyone got any constructive advice? Thanks in advance:frown: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose Fuller Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Hi. I found myself in the same situation with my son, however he was 19 and is currently back in the uk. I do think its harder to settle the older the child gets, however it should help a bit if they are still in education so are mixing socially? I would suggest setting a time to review if her feelings are the same....6 months or something? Then you can make a decision/plan based on the outcome? Its not easy to have children on opposite sides of the world so I do sympathise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gbye grey sky Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 We have been living here as a family since November last year. We have all had a bit of homesickness it comes and goes as you all probably know.Anyway the other night my daughter who is 13, burst into tears said she hates living here, is missing her friends and family and begged us to go back to the UK. This is the second time we have lived here in Australia she would have been 8 yrs old the first time and settled in well, probably due to her age at the time. We have a younger child and he said he loves it here and doesn't want to go back. Has anyone got any constructive advice? Thanks in advance:frown: At 13 hormones are playing havoc and individual issues are a major influence. If you returned it is highly likely that you would get the same response at some stage. It is probably worth assessing if the message is consistent over a period rather than an occasional outburst. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 What do you want to do? 13yr olds shouldn't rule the roost and as unhappy as she may seem and as guilty as you may feel, it's got to be down to the (democratic) family as a whole. Gbye grey sky has it nailed.............if it wasn't Oz that she was unhappy with, it may well be something else if you return.......13yr olds can be fickle..............especially female ones :-P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I think as a family, if you are happy with your life in Aus, it will be very hard to return based on the wants of a 13 year old. I think the teenage years are hard to move no matter where you take your teen. An hour up the motorway or the other side of the world, it will most likely not be a popular decision. Teenagers change, moods develop, priorities change, its a challenging time in other respects. Is your daughter stuck in a mindset perhaps? She started off unhappy and not wanting to be here and that has continued and/or perhaps gotten worse? Does she spend a lot of time on social media chatting to friends back in the UK? Skyping? Texting/emailing? Is she getting out and about in the real world in Aus, developing a friend network, a social life for herself or is she more invested in what is going on back in the UK? if its the latter, she perhaps needs to be weaned off relying on the UK network to support her and keep her focus on and look more to what is here in Aus. If she is getting out and about, getting stuck in, its perhaps just trying to find a balance that works for her. Interests, people, adapting to the differences and slowly learning to embrace them. Realising that it isn't all bad here can take a while. Its the old comparing what you have in Aus to what you had in the UK thing also. I think its natural for a 13 year old to perhaps hanker over what they are missing out on or what they left behind and to still find in favour of the UK over Aus as their mindset is negative and shut off perhaps from allowing themselves to start to enjoy life. Its hard, I know people with teens here and they all struggled to settle but a couple of years in they are happy as anyhing. They sort of learnt to let go a little of what they had back in the UK and their focus switched to their life here more. It was a gradual thing, didn't happen overnight. Some teens adapt far better but for many it is a tricky thing to get their head round. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the_whites Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 We have been living here as a family since November last year. We have all had a bit of homesickness it comes and goes as you all probably know.Anyway the other night my daughter who is 13, burst into tears said she hates living here, is missing her friends and family and begged us to go back to the UK. This is the second time we have lived here in Australia she would have been 8 yrs old the first time and settled in well, probably due to her age at the time. We have a younger child and he said he loves it here and doesn't want to go back. Has anyone got any constructive advice? Thanks in advance:frown: I had this same issue with my daughter. First time round, she was 11 and before we moved we discussed it as a family, got her to write down pros and cons and she made her own decision that she would give it a go. Unfortunately, we ended up back in the UK after 18 months, a move she didn't want to make. 2 years later, we were moving back to Australia again, this time, she was nearly 15 and a completely different kettle of fish. But again, we talked it through, she decided all would be ok and back we came. She has never stopped saying that she wants to go back to the UK, albeit without the tears, but despite what she says, she is now in her final year at school and making plans to go to Melbourne University for the next 7 years!! Every now and then, I ask her why she isn't planning on going back to the UK for Uni. She has no real answer apart from the only university she wants to consider is Melbourne or Oxford/Cambridge! So things do change. Even after Uni, she is planning to work overseas but not in the UK I would say hang on in there. Try and understand where she is coming from. They do think at that age that their friends at 13 will be lifelong but they soon move on even though keeping in touch is so much easier these days. Only a handful of my daughter's friends do, and that's just the odd "like" or comment on FB. Has something happened at school maybe that she was upset about? There would no doubt be a trigger to her tears unless it has been a pattern over the months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 We came over when my daughter was 13. At the time she said she hated it, was desperate to go back. Such a big change at that age. Fast forward 7 years, she has nearly completed her degree, has a stack of lovely friends and unlike the rest of us, is in no hurry to return. Tricky age wherever you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Unfortunately she has to suck up what you as parent decide. If the rest of you are like pigs in mud and aren't thinking of leaving then she will just have to get over it. OTOH if, as a family, you aren't settled either then think about moving on. She's got a year before she'd need to start thinking about the GCSE roundabout so maybe consider that if she's still not liking it (and TBH if she's finding it hard at school, trying to get in with the queen bitches that are yr8/9 girls that may well be the issue - girls can be shocking bullies at that age) then can you consider letting her live with rellies to finish her schooling in UK? A lot of us end up with split families - just the luck of the draw really. She will probably settle down if she thinks there may be some choice point in her future. Like the rest of us she's probably struggling with the "forever" thing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 It sounds more like she is struggling at school or someone has said something to her. As she got many friends at the school? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 They can be very, very fickle at 13- lots of emotions and hormones. Personally I think they should be put to sleep at 13 and reawakened at 18. I have 4 daughters and every one of them was up and down like a yoyo at 13. Next week she may love it here. Possibly someone at school has upset her or one of the teaches has made a comment she doesn't like. They never tell you half the time. Does she have a special friend? Maybe she feels isolated or a bit shy. Really her family is the most important thing and where you are she has to be whether she likes it or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danny842003 Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I'm not are what part of Oz you live in but its winter Im pretty sure at 14 in summer in Oz she will have a very different answer if you ask her again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicF Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 It can be hard for anyone to move to the other side of the world and she is probably just feeling a bit homesick and maybe a bit lonely. We've been here just over 2 years and my eldest is now 13 and he still has moments where he gets upset because he misses his best friend from the UK. He found the first 18 months difficult because he struggled to make friends at school and had some real issues with his handwriting and coordination which meant some kids teased him. He's since had occupational therapy which has sorted his handwriting and improved his core body strength, moved in to a different class and made a group of friends that he feels much closer to. He still misses his best friend but is much more settled and has much more confidence than in the last two school years. My youngest is now nine and when ever anything bad happens at school he tells me he wants to go back to the UK. However most of the time he is much happier with far more friends here than he ever had in the UK. I would sympathise with your daughter and tell her you understand how she feels and that it's difficult but your life is here for now. When she's not all upset get her talking about school and friends and see if there are any issues or if she seems to be making friends. See if you can find some other activities outside of school where she can meet different people - doing this kind of thing has really helped my eldest to feel more part of something. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 My daughter tried everything to stop us all coming to Australia she played up and did some really spiteful things to try and stop our application. She was 14 at that point. Fast forward 6 years she loves Australia and has absolutely no plans to return. TBH that age some test the boundary's they will try and say almost anything if they think it will get them what they want. They will play one parent off against each other. If you are all happy here then she needs to know its not happening until she's old enough to book and pay for her own flights. Some may think that's hard but she us still a child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrs miggins Posted August 24, 2014 Author Share Posted August 24, 2014 Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I have taken advice from each of your posts. I think we will have to hang in there and see how things are in about 6 months time. In that time we will try and get her more involved in outside school activities, where she can make some more friend's. I think that is where some of the problems come from, as in the UK she had a huge group of friend's to socialise with but here she only has a handful. I have found that the kid's over here don't tend to mix with each other out of school and i have asked some of the mom's over here what the kids do after school and they have told me they go to after school sports or they stay at home. Different culture i guess or maybe that's just where we live ? lol. :smile: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Suzi Wong Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 Hi,we arrived January 2013, with a 12 year old daughter and 15 year old son. Son settled well but still stays in touch with best friend in UK, playing online games,etc. My daughter was really keen to come here, started school at beginning of yr 7 and seemed to settle well. After about 6 months she had a bit of a breakdown, saying she had left everyone she had known for her whole life and was terrified her best friend in the uk would forget her. Roll on one year down the line and she says she doesn't really have much in common with uk friends. She has a small group of close friends here who are lovely and gradually they have had sleepovers, days at the beach etc. She is not very sporty but has joined scouts, which is great here, plays guitar and has spent the last few months preparing for school show, which was on Friday night. Has made lots of friends with all the kids in the production, upset over the yr 12 girls leaving high school soon, etc. We always made it clear we were here to stay and, despite being shy, she is very content with her little group of friends. It does take time, but they are young enough to make their main friendships here, luckier than us adults if only they realised it. Hang in there and all the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 Move young teenagers at your peril. It's a fragile age, and they need good foundations to grow from. Take that away and they struggle. But going forwards, it really depends on what your intentions are. Have you settled, do you intend to stay for good? If not, set a timeline. If you do, then make it work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrs miggins Posted August 25, 2014 Author Share Posted August 25, 2014 Thanks for your reply Suzi. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the breakdown and UK friend's etc. This is exactly what we are experiencing at the moment. My daughter likes playing the guitar too ( at home ). Maybe we could get her more involved in that outside of the house. Unfortunately she is shy too and that tends to hold her back a bit. She's also not very sporty like your daughter but is keen to try gymnastics so we are looking into that for her. Although she does have friend's at school i think it would benefit her to have friend's outside of school too, and yes your right they are luckier than us adults, i could do with some new friend's too, if only it were that easy, lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kapri Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 We arrived a year ago when my daughter was 13. My daughter struggled at first but 13 months on and she has now settled. Getting a "best" friend here really helped as did getting out every weekend to the beach etc. She told me recently that she wouldn't want to return to the UK. As others have said, 13 can be a difficult age. I would make it clear that you're not returning and so she needs to get involved in activities here. She'll get there eventually. In the meantime, make sure you do lots of great stuff together as a family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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