Kerry Booth Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 My 20yr old sons been visiting us for the last month. Unfortunately his grandma died at the weekend. Despite the family at home telling him he didn't have to return early for the funeral he wanted to. I decided to travel home with him as & return in five days. My partner isn't happy & expressed that he's felt "neglected" whilst my son was here & said he should go home on his own as he's a grown up now & will I be running home every time someone dies at home!!. In view of recent events im more comfortable knowing im delivering him safely to the family so he can say his farewells. Am I been unreasonable? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinob Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 No your partner is being unreasonable and immature. In my opinion. Do what you feel is right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 How petulant! Your partner is an adult and shouldn't constantly need pandering to! What the heck, you need to go to the funeral of a family member then go! If your son feels he needs to go to the funeral of a family member then good for him. At 20 do I think you should deliver him then, no, but that doesn't sound like your real motivation for going, just a peace of mind spin off. Have a good trip - make it 10 days tho so your partner has more of a chance to grow up in your absence! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Kerry I'm so sorry you are put in this position. Is your husband a step parent and it's an exes parent who has died? You don't need to answer but that's the only reason I could think for him being like that. You need to be with your son at this time and I'm sure your husband must understand :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerry Booth Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 Thanks for the replies its really helped me. It is my ex husbands mum whos died. We were married for 20yrs & although she was a typical mum In law but she is my sons granny. My gran is ill at the moment as well so at least I'll get to see her. Plus my goodbyes where rushed wen we left so i feel after this event the need to see them again. I love my life in Australia but feel drawn at this time back to my family Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindor Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I agree with the others, I think it's your husband who's being unreasonable. Go and support your son and see your Gran, safe trip :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I too think your husband is out of order. Jealousy and insecurity springs to mind. Jealous of the attention that you have given your son on his visit and now insecurity that you are going back for the funeral of an ex mother-in-law. These are his issues to deal with, not yours; what you want to do and are doing is perfectly normal and acceptable. And so what if you go 'running home' every time someone dies? If you can afford to and you want to go and pay your last respects there's nothing wrong with that either. I'm still very close to my ex's mum and if anything happened to her I'd be very upset. Just because our relationships with our partners end it doesn't mean that we have to cut ties and feelings with their families too (although I admit most people do!) I think this also shows what a caring and loving young man your son is. He must have been very close to his Grandma and I should imagine that knowing/hearing your husbands objections to you returning for her funeral too would be quite upsetting for him. You go back for the funeral and don't feel guilty about it one bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MARYROSE02 Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Becoming a migrant means having to go home for funerals and other family emergencies. If your partner has family overseas, or even somewhere else in Australia, he might be doing the same thing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pumpkin Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Becoming a migrant means having to go home for funerals and other family emergencies. If your partner has family overseas, or even somewhere else in Australia, he might be doing the same thing? I very much agree with this. As the one that migrated I feel an onus on me to go back to visit people and definitely to go back for funerals and other family occasions. The return for a funeral question comes up quite regularly and I have seen some posters say they did not go back for a particular reason. And they usually regret it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Just for balance, seeing as all the ladies have obviously jumped on the husband being out of order, he might have a point. It's difficult when you have visitors from one family or the other. If you have no other friends and family here and your hubby doesn't have mates he can shoot of down the pub with, while you sit and chat to your son he might be feeling neglected. I can see why he would be fairly peed off if you made the decision to go back at short notice too. Can you afford it? Did you discuss it or run it by him or did you just say you were going? There are always two sides to every disagreement. He has a point, will you feel like going back every time someone dies? Will you be able to afford it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I very much agree with this. As the one that migrated I feel an onus on me to go back to visit people and definitely to go back for funerals and other family occasions. The return for a funeral question comes up quite regularly and I have seen some posters say they did not go back for a particular reason. And they usually regret it. Me and the wife both say we won't go back for funerals. They won't be long in coming round for either one of us. My parents are both in their 90's and her Mum has had alzheimers for years, has bladder cancer and it's just a matter of what will take her first. I know we are both going to get a bit of stick from the family back in the UK, her more than me, but it's just too expensive to go back on a whim. Don't know how people emigrate thinking they will automatically visit the UK every year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith and Linda Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Me and the wife both say we won't go back for funerals. They won't be long in coming round for either one of us. My parents are both in their 90's and her Mum has had alzheimers for years, has bladder cancer and it's just a matter of what will take her first. I know we are both going to get a bit of stick from the family back in the UK, her more than me, but it's just too expensive to go back on a whim. Don't know how people emigrate thinking they will automatically visit the UK every year. We are the exact opposite, we always agreed that we would go back for parents and siblings funerals, though the cost is not really a problem with us now, it was when we made these decisions, but knowing we would not worry about and would eventually sort out any financial impact. We have not gone back for a grand parents or 2 uncles funerals in recent years with no bad feeling either on either side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I can see why he would be fairly peed off if you made the decision to go back at short notice too. Can you afford it? Did you discuss it or run it by him or did you just say you were going? There are always two sides to every disagreement. He has a point, will you feel like going back every time someone dies? Will you be able to afford it? In my experience, people don't tend to give much notice that they are going to die, so attending funerals at short notice is quite common! 7-10 days notice of a funeral following a death is the normal time (except if you're a Muslim and you're buried within 24 hours so no chance of getting back in time for a funeral then) so Kerry has been able to give her husband some notice of her intentions. If a husband/wife/partner can't accept that occasions like this need urgent arrangements to return I think that's quite poor to be honest, and if the OP can afford to return for several funerals if she wishes then so be it. It would be a sad state of affairs for any person to have to keep returning to a country on a frequent basis for a funeral, so putting more pressure/guilt on them if they've had several bereavements to deal with in a short time would be very unfair. Plus, any adult who gets jealous of a parent spending some time with their child, regardless of how old they are, is a bit selfish in my opinion. Especially when he is only visiting for a short amount of time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Just want to add, my brother and sister-in-law took a year off work in 2006 to travel the world. Whilst they were away, my sister-in-law's elderly mum passed away and they chose not to go back to England for the funeral. I personally thought this was rather selfish but didn't say anything. My sister-in-laws siblings were not happy with her decision. A few years later my sister-in-law really started to miss her mum and now has feelings of guilt that she didn't come back for her funeral. There are times when it really gets her down, especially on the anniversary of her death and the following weeks. She can't believe now how she could have dismissed the final goodbye as something not worth flying home for. She says she never got final closure and acceptance and she feels her mum would have been sad to think she maybe didn't love her enough. If she could go back in time she would have returned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pumpkin Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Me and the wife both say we won't go back for funerals. They won't be long in coming round for either one of us. My parents are both in their 90's and her Mum has had alzheimers for years, has bladder cancer and it's just a matter of what will take her first. I know we are both going to get a bit of stick from the family back in the UK, her more than me, but it's just too expensive to go back on a whim. Don't know how people emigrate thinking they will automatically visit the UK every year. Well I don't call the funeral of a parent or a sibling a whim. But fortunately not had one to go to every year. I have just seen Rachel's post and this is exactly why I think people should pull out all the stops to attend these things. Because the regrets are enormous and not only is it about paying respects but it is also about supporting other family. I think people need to stop and think "will this matter a year / five years from now" when weighing up whether they spend money or attend their parents funeral. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Just want to add, my brother and sister-in-law took a year off work in 2006 to travel the world. Whilst they were away, my sister-in-law's elderly mum passed away and they chose not to go back to England for the funeral. I personally thought this was rather selfish but didn't say anything. My sister-in-laws siblings were not happy with her decision. A few years later my sister-in-law really started to miss her mum and now has feelings of guilt that she didn't come back for her funeral. There are times when it really gets her down, especially on the anniversary of her death and the following weeks. She can't believe now how she could have dismissed the final goodbye as something not worth flying home for. She says she never got final closure and acceptance and she feels her mum would have been sad to think she maybe didn't love her enough. If she could go back in time she would have returned. Although it is a lot better to say a final goodbye to someone when they are still alive. I've been to a few funerals lately. It is just a church service and burial but it does usually bring the family together. But if I had a choice and knew a relative was dying I would rather see them before they die and then skip the funeral. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celt Down Under Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 My 20yr old sons been visiting us for the last month. Unfortunately his grandma died at the weekend. Despite the family at home telling him he didn't have to return early for the funeral he wanted to. I decided to travel home with him as & return in five days. My partner isn't happy & expressed that he's felt "neglected" whilst my son was here & said he should go home on his own as he's a grown up now & will I be running home every time someone dies at home!!. In view of recent events im more comfortable knowing im delivering him safely to the family so he can say his farewells. Am I been unreasonable? I am going to agree with your Hubby on this one. You say that he has been visiting you for the past month, so did he come out from the UK all on his lonesome to visit? Did you go back there to escort him out here? He is a grown man, an adult, and certainly should not need you to "deliver him safely to the family". As far as your partner feeling neglected, I can understand you putting in a lot of effort with your son, so that is not an issue. He is being petulant on that, but certainly not on you and your reason for heading back to the UK for 5 days. So, if you do go and "deliver him safely" and after 5 days come back, then a few days later a blood relative passes away, do you pack your bags and head back again? Time for you to get real about things Kerry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Que Sera Sera Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Although it is a lot better to say a final good bye to someone when they are still alive.I've been to a few funerals lately. It is just a church service and burial but it does usually bring the family together. But if I had a choice and knew a relative was dying I would rather see them before they die and then skip the funeral. I agree with this totally , and I certainly would not call someone selfish for not wanting to attend a funeral, its personal choice .Regarding the OP. If she wants to help her son at this difficult time then yes she should absolutely be able to without being made to feel guilty . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celt Down Under Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I agree with this totally , and I certainly would not call someone selfish for not wanting to attend a funeral, its personal choice .Regarding the OP. If she wants to help her son at this difficult time then yes she should absolutely be able to without being made to feel guilty . The OP asked for thoughts on it, and that is what I gave. If she does not feel guilty, why is she posting on here? She does not say that her son asked her to go with her, so yes, she is being unreasonable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Tilley Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 If she does not feel guilty, why is she posting on here? She does not say that her son asked her to go with her, so yes, she is being unreasonable. From my reading of the post, the OP does not indicate that she's feeling guilty about this at all. It is very easy for a partner to say or do things that make us feel guilty and doubt ourselves and this may be the case here. What the OP is asking for is opinions on whether she is unreasonable or not to a) want to return to the UK to accompany her son who is upset over the death of his Grandma, and b) want to return to the UK to attend the funeral of the lady herself as she has feelings for her, and also visit her own relative. She has also not stated that her son hasn't asked her to go with her. The fact that her son is 20 years old does not make him less susceptible to grief. He may appreciate not having to do a 24 hour journey alone back to heartbreak and upset. I see nothing unreasonable at all in either case and I think she should be able to do the trip completely guilt free, and I hope she does! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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