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Parents response to our move = lead balloon


BestyBlue

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So I decided this evening was the time to tell my dad that we are going to go ahead with our plans to move to Australia. He has known on and off for years that this is what we want and appeared to be supportive, after all he moved to America for 5 years, so must understand to an extent what we are wanting to do? But tonight he was totally the opposite to what he has been in the past, maybe he hasn't took us seriously previously? I don't know.

 

So am now feeling a little flat (not that it will make the slightest difference as this is the right thing to do for my little family). What's more concerning is that he appeared more bothered that we were coming off the property ladder, rather than the fact that we will be on the other side of the world. Maybe it was just his way of dealing with it, but I needed to be completely honest with him.

 

Has this been the same for others? Please tell me they came round, took you seriously and eventually trusted in your abilities and supported you?

 

Oh, I'm so frustrated, wish I'd kept my mouth shut in a way now as I know what every phone call will involve from now on. :arghh:

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I know that feeling! My mother in law in particular has really struggled with the decision. Each time we pass a milestone and we share it delicately it ends in tears and a period of silence. The closer it gets the more real it gets for them though and therefore they start to consider it and reflect more and more. Ultimately it is your decision and we all have to make them I guess. Just stay solid and try not to let it get to you. Easier said than done I know. But it is probably the best I have got for you. Me and my wife share the happiness of the move together, our son as well is excited. That's my positive people.

 

Lastly, if they didn't care and didn't pass any comment that would arguably be much more painful.

 

:) chin up and push on.

Edited by Vanduex
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Maybe if you hang on to your house and rent it out that might allay his fears. You never know when you might need it.

 

i think it's a bit naive to expect parents to be jumping for joy when you leave them to trek off to the other side of the world. Grief does funny things to people. But it's your life to do with as you want.

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my brother reacted very badly when his son and family said they were emigrating to Australia ... told them he would never visit them ... gave them a very hard time ... within a year of them emigrating he and my sister-in-law flew over for six weeks because they were missing their granddaughter so much ... he loved it there and told them he now understood why they did it ...

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I don't know the feeling but suspect I will, we move in 18 months and one set of parents knows the other does not 'how can you take away our grandchildren' will be the oft repeated cry. Not that I don't sympathise it's the hardest thing we have had to come to terms with but it's a better life for them!

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yes I get the same, its just because your parents love you so much and would hate you at the other end of the world, so take it as a compliment rather than feeling deflated. That is the real reason they dislike the idea.

 

Anyway its your life, you need to do what you need to do. Good luck!

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We were living in Cyprus at the time we told my parents we had applied for PR. They didn't say anything to us, but did talk behind our backs to my siblings about how we were taking their grandchildren away from them, even though we hadn't lived in the UK on a permanent basis for years!

 

We've always made an effort to go back and see them, no matter where we've been living...but the relationship is definitely one sided. Even just phoning for a chat, I'm the only one who phones - my parents don't phone me at all. The only time my mum would be happy is if we were living about 10 minutes down the road from her. We were thinking of going over to the UK for a few months to spend time with family etc, and we would have been staying about 40 minutes from mum, but the other day when I phoned her she said that it would be a bit of a trek in terms of coming to visit us. So we would come all the way across the world to see them, but she and dad don't want to make a 40 minute 'trek' to see us once we're there!

 

So yeah, our PR announcement wasn't that well received, but then a 20 hour flight or a 40 minute drive seem to have the same effect on my folks anyway - either way they don't like it.

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We were living in Cyprus at the time we told my parents we had applied for PR. They didn't say anything to us, but did talk behind our backs to my siblings about how we were taking their grandchildren away from them, even though we hadn't lived in the UK on a permanent basis for years!

 

We've always made an effort to go back and see them, no matter where we've been living...but the relationship is definitely one sided. Even just phoning for a chat, I'm the only one who phones - my parents don't phone me at all. The only time my mum would be happy is if we were living about 10 minutes down the road from her. We were thinking of going over to the UK for a few months to spend time with family etc, and we would have been staying about 40 minutes from mum, but the other day when I phoned her she said that it would be a bit of a trek in terms of coming to visit us. So we would come all the way across the world to see them, but she and dad don't want to make a 40 minute 'trek' to see us once we're there!

 

So yeah, our PR announcement wasn't that well received, but then a 20 hour flight or a 40 minute drive seem to have the same effect on my folks anyway - either way they don't like it.

 

I so agree with you. It's something that as an expat of over 20 years, have heard so often. The best advice we had was base yourself where you want to be and say this is where we are if you want to see us. Sounds harsh, but otherwise you rush round like a headless chicken visiting people who can't make the effort to travel 1 hour to see you.

we go back every year as our grandchildren age 4 & 6 are there. However we are giving this year a miss. We don't stay with them, as they haven't room, and booked into the nearest Premier Inn last year most weekends as we were staying in and selling our Oz son's house a couple of hours away. Our UK son wasn't prepared to alter any of their plans while we were there, the 2 grandchildrens important activities were more important than seeing us!!! We were told when it was convenient to come round. Sorry but they were only 3 & 5 then. So I sympathise with you, really makes you not want to bother, but it's hard when grandchildren are involved.

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Maybe it's because he went to America for 5 years?

 

My parents had migrated to South Africa when I was a baby and I think knew our 'hopes and dreams' about Australia were naive. My parents are the very best and were 100% supportive but nonetheless tried to use their experiences to 'warn' us.

 

Despite only being out of the country for a year, the boom that happened whilst they were away meant they were never able to get back to the same position in terms of home ownership. They have no regrets though which is probably why they felt we were doing the right thing to follow our hearts.

 

Maybe your dad does have regrets?

 

Or maybe he knows his reasons for wanting you to stay are selfish so he is trying to come up with a 'good' reason for you to stay?

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Please be patient with your folks.Its a big ask imho to expect people to be/feel genuinely happy about your impending move.You're obviously feeling the excitement,and rightly so but no one expects when they have kids,that later on they will be moving 10,000 miles away.We would all hope that our kids would stay close to us,but it does'nt work out that way sometimes.I would probably keep your move on a low profile when visiting unless they ask you something.Think about this ok?You move to Oz,when your child grows up,they announce they are moving back to the UK (maybe even with your grandkids)how would you feel/cope with that news?Im not saying this to put you on some guilt trip,just to see it from another persons pov.

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my parents are the same , they are now in silence and avoidance mode. Melza I totally agree with you ... I would be more concerned after telling relatives I was emigrating if they started to jump for joy!! I have children and I can only imagine what I would feel if they did the same as I'm planning to do .

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Well I just know how I would feel/react to the news myself.Parents need time to take it in and accept the news. (If they ever do?)I know you can soften the blow with talks of potential visits and so forth but for alot of parents,it still hurts like crazy!It also depends on how close to your parents you are of course.If you're used to seeing them every week or more or whatever,then the blow will hit harder,but if you are not close I think it can maybe make things easier to deal with.

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Thanks everyone for your kind responses. Since telling my dad he made the 3.5 hour journey the next day to come and speak to us face to face. He actually admitted that he was envious in a way of what we're doing and not to worry that he would fly over to visit. However this was whilst telling us (in his eyes it was advice, but he was definitely telling! lol) what to do with our finances. Grrr

All good now though, just got to tell my mum this weekend when she gets back off her holidays. Couldn't tell her before as didn't want to spoil her time away.

I think I might go about it slightly differently with her, that assuming our daughter doesn't fly in the house and tell her first.....

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It's certainly a very difficult part of the process. My folks have been ok so far, but the in-laws aren't so. One of the many hurdles to work through for the move. That said, if you consider all the 'what ifs' of any big change, house move, chance of job, having kids etc, you simply just wouldn't do anything.

Edited by Jlew
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A very common thing. We have now given ours a year to get used to the potential idea that we are moving to Australia, had a negative reaction all round - even going as far as mentioning children that we don't have - and now it has simply become the elephant in the room on both sides and to my mind they are making it worse for themselves in the long run.

 

Simply have to do what is best for yourselves and they will have to deal with it; harsh but true.

 

If everyone's parents had the "you must stay at home" view then Australia wouldn't be the country it is today, would it?!

Edited by SteveandKirsty
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My mum was in a really bad way when we told her we were going...... Being really selfish and saying horrible things, it really really got me down. I did actually post on here back in 2009 about it! This was how it was for a good couple of years, during our visa process, until once we had it granted, her husband miraculously got "moved" to Singapore for his job!!

We lasted 10 months in Perth, various reasons I didn't settle. We did lots of things wrong which I clearly see now.

 

The decision to move back almost cost me my marriage, not surprising the crazy way I was acting while in Perth!!!But that's another story!

Funnily enough she was 100% behind us coming back to the UK (knowing they wouldn't be in Singapore forever and the fact they got to have lots of business trips home) regardless of the fact it might have meant I would end up being a single mum and really struggling! (luckily for me, we have managed to work through things and he has near on forgiven me.. :cute:

 

We've been back 18 months now, they are just about to leave Singapore to head back to the UK for good.

 

I am wondering at which point I throw in that after being back in the UK for this length of time and dealing with lots of the demons behind reasons why i didn't settle in Perth first time around and looking back & realising what we did wrong, that I am now thinking it might be time to start making plans to head back for a 2nd try??!!

 

Something tells me it will not go down well!!:no:

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We had the same reaction all those years ago when we came here. Now I can understand it more, being a grandparent myself. The reality is that at a certain age you are no longer capable of hopping on a plane to Europe- it is just too far and too much of a strain on the old body and I guess maybe your parents are anticipating this. We left when both sets of parents were young and still working but I think it would have been a whole heap harder if they had been older.

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I can see this from both sides.... I left my parents and went to the other side of the world..... then I moved back 20 years later with small children.... who 20 years late one of whom is moving big distances. All I can say is my parents were supportive of me and what I wanted to do and I try so hard to be the same for my children however much it hurts me to be away from them. As parents, that is what we have to do.... I get that some parents are not nice when the "we are emigrating to Australia" conversation happens... but please be gentle with your parents through this journey. And what you need to remember is that at some stage, the children you brought to Oz for a better life will want to go back to UK or wherever your origins are, so they can connect with that. You need to remember at that point what you put your parents through, and take that on board. How you deal with this will denote how your children will connect with you when they go "travelling"!

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