plumm Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Hi there, I'm keen to know how other people manage when one of you wants to go back. Been here 5 years, wanted to go home for 5 years. I consider that I have thrown myself into Aussie life 100% I've made great friends, I'm at uni and have joined sporting groups, I try my hardest to live positively, despite feeling very sad inside. Sadness is through longing to be at home with my family. Husband will not discuss the issue, only to tell me I would regret it if we did. It's now driving a wedge between us, I'm really beginning to resent his attitude towards my feelings. I'm just after any advice or perspectives of others who have been here or are here, I know there must be others in the same shoes. How do they carry on with a marriage intact? Or maybe just even just recognition from others in the same shoes may help, and that i'm not foolish or defeatist for wanting to go home. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nicolac34 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Sorry you've felt you wanted to go home for 5 whole years! :hug: I'm not quite in your shoes, but my husband frequently tells me how much he wants to go back to the UK (been here just over two years) and I'm the one that's not keen. He knows here is where we need to be for now, but I think if I was to tell him "never in a million years" he would be very upset. So for it to work for us we have to keep an open mind and a certain 'cross that bridge when we come to it' mentality. If he was desperate to return I would certainly give it a go - after all home is where he is and visa-versa. Hope your husband starts to respect your feelings soon! xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CollegeGirl Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I'm not trying to be harsh, but it sounds like this isn't about moving back or staying in Australia - it's about your husband not taking your needs into account or taking them seriously. That's a much bigger problem. I'm so sorry... I can't imagine how I'd feel in a similar situation. I wish I had actually useful advice, but I'm sending you all the support I can muster from over here in the US. :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sapphire Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 Theres been a few people on here, over the past few years that I have been a member in the same situation. I was one of them. My Hubby would not hear of going home for a long time, and it has caused a lot of resentment. You have no idea how many times, I nearly packed my bags and got on the first plane home. We are going home,soon, but it took a major health issue,for him to realise that we needed to be back in the Uk, with family and friends. I think it made him realise that if anything happened to either one of us, we were totally alone here, with no support network and I think that panicked him. Had that not of happened,I think he would still be in Aus, and I would of left on my own.I dont know if he would of ever changed his mind. You are not foolish or defeatist,for wanting to be at home with your family. You have to do what makes you happy,life is too short to be sad.:hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 :hug: You're going to need them! may I suggest marriage counselling - Relationships Australia are the main providers and are easily accessible. If he isn't hearing you and working towards some compromise situation with you then he needs a third party boot in the bum to get him to communicate other than pooh poohing your feelings. You might also consider counselling for yourself - CBT or ACT therapy strategies can help you get through each and every day if you work on them. Your GP can help! I always knew that Aus wasn't for me long term and thought that my DH was on the same page - he thought I was in tune with his future plans for buying a big bush block and being self sufficient ("over my dead body" I think sprang out of my mouth when we first realised out misconceptions! He said the same about living in UK) Anyway - it was easier when we had a compromise agreed - he would ensure we had funds for a trip back whenever I wanted to go and I would stay in Aus as long as we had a flush loo, broadband and access to cappuccinos. However my mental health still took a battering and over the last 10 yrs the situational depression kicked in big time - you can live the lie life with all sorts of CBT tricks but it does take its toll on your physical and mental health the longer it goes on. Unfortunately the only way to recover from it is to remove yourself from the situation which is enhancing your depression. At the end of the day the decision you have to make is - is this the man I want to grow old and have grand kids with? If it is, then one of you is not going to have what they want out of life - which one of you is best equipped to deal with that? How can the one who is making all the sacrifices get all their needs met in the compromise? Compromise is key for, without it, the resentment will fester. You don't say if you have kids - if you do then youll probably have zero choice, you're over a barrel. You are neither mad nor unusual - there are many folk out there who find they just do not "belong" in Aus (even after 32 yrs!!!!!) and who live happier and far more fulfilled lives where they do belong. I would, however, caution against going back just for family and friends - they have changed and filled the hole in their lives left by your departure and you can never get back exactly what you had - moving "back" would be like moving on to a new place and you have to work on it. Move on because the place meets your needs and is in sync with your values but don't rely on other people to magically restore your happiness. Good luck, it's a bugger of a place to find yourself in! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 I have come across this situation a couple of times with people I know. One couple would spend 6 months here and 6 months in Scotland- but now the wife refuses to come here anymore so her husband comes alone ( mainly to visit their children) Not very satisfactory. The other couple have remained here mainly for financial reasons because the husband works hard and the wife never had a paid job so I think that is fair enough in a way though still not ideal. Both marriages have suffered , sadly. I don't know if there is an answer because one of the two of you will not be totally happy and there are different priorities within the marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 5, 2013 Share Posted September 5, 2013 What a painful situation, I worked with someone in the opposite situation and I know the pain works both ways. Men do so often close down when there are difficult things to talk about ('if I ignore it, it isn't happening') and it does sound like you may need some help to break through that and get communication working again. It isn't as easy as 'if he loved me he'd move back' because from the other side 'if she loved me, she'd stay' and finding a compromise isn't easy. I presume you are citizens so would it be possible to agree since you've given Australia a 'fair go' for five years that he now gives the UK the same and after that you decide where is best to remain? Maybe 5 years is too long but maybe he'd consider 1 or 2? If he won't discuss it maybe it's time to write a 'letter' explaining how you feel? My OH lived miserably in Australia for at least three years believing that I would not move back. I know I said things like 'we're here now so lets make the most of it', 'we couldn't afford to move back even if we wanted to', 'it'd be another 5 years of stress moving back' and so on. I probably did say 'we'll regret it, if we move back' too. He had instigated the move out and as he believed I was happy (I wasn't - I'm just a glass half full kind of person!) he thought he had to 'put up and shut up' - it was only when I broached the subject of a 'trial return' that the floodgates for both our feelings opened. My OH was amazed that I didn't 'know' how much he hated it, he really thought it was obvious! What I am trying to say is, you may think you have made it clear and you may be taking your OH's brush-offs as considered comments but it's time to make your feeling absolutely clear and make sure that he understands the seriousness. I truly don't think ultimatums is the way to go but he needs to know that his lack of consideration of your feelings and his unwillingness to even talk about it is making you question your marriage. This is something couples really should discuss and agree what will happen if one of them doesn't like it before they even apply for a visa but most of us don't and sadly for some it ends in this awful situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plumm Posted September 6, 2013 Author Share Posted September 6, 2013 Thank you so much for your responses. We are going the counselling route now, hope it helps. Unfortunately having four children does not allow us options of going home for a year or two, it's hard when their education will be affected, but not impossible. You're right Quoll- over a barrel here! I just can't see any way of achieving any compromises here. We barely manage to make ends meet, there is no available funds for trips home, although I qualify in two years, and will work, so long term things may improve, visits may help, but it's being part of my loved ones (at home) lives I miss and want. I don't need them for my happiness, but wish to be there for them, my sister has two children with a chronic illness, diagnosed the week before we left to come out here, I would never have come if I had known that would happen, I just want to be part of my nephews potentially short lives and be there for her. I lost my brother 4 years ago and it's made me feel like I want spend all the time I can with those I love. Thanks again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sapphire Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 Thank you so much for your responses. We are going the counselling route now, hope it helps. Unfortunately having four children does not allow us options of going home for a year or two, it's hard when their education will be affected, but not impossible. You're right Quoll- over a barrel here! Also we barely manage to make ends meet, there is no available funds for trips home, although I qualify in two years, and will work, so long term things may improve, visits may help, but it's being part of my loved ones (at home) lives I miss and want. I don't need them for my happiness, but wish to be there for them, my sister has two children with a chronic illness, diagnosed the week before we left to come out here, I would never have come if I had known that would happen, I just want to be part of my nephews potentially short lives and be there for her. I lost my brother 4 years ago and it's made me feel like I want spend all the time I can with those I love. Thanks again. I hope with all my heart that you can work through this with your Hubby.It is very hard, I know. Somedays I think if mine had not of been so stubborn and adament that he wanted to stay, we would of been home 2 or 3 years ago. We struggle to make ends meet, something we have never done in the UK, so thats put added pressure on us. I think being here has really made me realise what is important, and its being at home with family and friends, I underestimated just how much I would miss them, and thought we would go home every year for visits, but we just have not been able to afford it. We have been so isolated and miserable,but we can now see the light at the end of the tunnel, but still have no definate date to leave,hopefully not much longer now. I wish you the very best of luck,with it all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VERYSTORMY Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 I can relate. My wife loves Oz. Never seen her so happy. I would happily get on a plane tomorrow. So, i decided her happiness is all that matters to me and say nothing. Though her situation is a little different as she is not from the UK by birth - she moved there as a teen and never really got along with the UK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kathnDave Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 I really know how you feel right now. I have been here just over 6 years and have always regretted my decision. For all of these years I have asked my husband to take me home, to no avail, consequently the marriage has gone to the point of no return. I was also diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago and I have made the decision to return to the UK to spend my time with my children and grandchildren, something I am so excited about. I can't imagine for one minute it is going to be easy but I know in my heart this is the right decision for me. I wish you every success with whatever decision you decide to make. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b123 Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 Hi,, it is such an agonizing place to be,,, we did 2 yrs in south aust,,,, husband has a grown up.son in Wales,, we returned to UK year ago,,, both liked oz,,,,, but couldn't seem to "ride the storm of the first few years,,,,," hubby worked away couple of weeks at a time,,,, family death in UK,, we returned to b nearer family n friends,,, I am trying to make new friends,, old friends I don't see very much of,,,, n av not been too fussed!!;! they r q spread out,,, once we got back family av not been very supportive of our decision to return!!!??, they think of beaches etc etc,,,, Now agonizing on whether we should return,, n live separately??!!!, as he decided to stay.near his family in w country n now live apart,,,, very tricky when u av little 'un,,,, n he has hypermobility n possibly an issue ta for listening Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Helchops Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 Hi,, it is such an agonizing place to be,,, we did 2 yrs in south aust,,,, husband has a grown up.son in Wales,, we returned to UK year ago,,, both liked oz,,,,, but couldn't seem to "ride the storm of the first few years,,,,," hubby worked away couple of weeks at a time,,,, family death in UK,, we returned to b nearer family n friends,,, I am trying to make new friends,, old friends I don't see very much of,,,, n av not been too fussed!!;! they r q spread out,,, once we got back family av not been very supportive of our decision to return!!!??, they think of beaches etc etc,,,, Now agonizing on whether we should return,, n live separately??!!!, as he decided to stay.near his family in w country n now live apart,,,, very tricky when u av little 'un,,,, n he has hypermobility n possibly an issue ta for listening I'd recognise those commas anywhere...I sent you a PM on the sister site. We made the decision before we came that if only one of us wanted to return, we would stay. Not easier said than done by the way as I've had my wobbles - but it's helped us settle I think, understanding the permanency of it from the outset? Of course we miss people desperately, but we know what it would be like if we went back too...it would be a great honeymoon period for a week until our friends settled back into their everyday lives - and then that's it. You're back. And you're 'friends' are saying, 'I'd never come back from Oz...nice weather, beaches...you had a POOL in your garden and you've come back to BIRMINGHAM?' I think they'd be right... Maybe it changes things that we lived in a beautiful area in the UK that we still hated. We were still a stones throw from all the chavs, the terraced housing (we had one!), and all those things that I (and they're only my opinions) hated about living there in the first place...It's really hard by the way to say the things you didn't like about living somewhere as my list is pretty poor - but things that I know when I arrived at Heathrow and drove through all the poor areas of Brum...the coventry road...*shudder*... Of course having moved, you've got to start again...for us, financially at least that's been hard. But you know, we can have the most amazing times here as a family in beautiful weather...for free...and there's optimism in the air here, and it's infectious. There's wealth here - not just financially but in a lot of ways. Everyone has super...and quite a lot of it...therefore everyone is in the stock market...Everyone seems to have investment properties...If I'd have been born here, boy our finances would be different!!! In the UK, we travelled around...a lot! I would say that we did get out as a family - certainly in the months before we moved as we knew that there were places we wanted to see before we left. But most weekends, we would go and do the shopping, have lunch in sainsburys (I miss their Roast Chickens in the Cafe!)...It was the same old, same old week in, week out...In the main, that usually is because of the miserable weather (I know you've had a good summer though - the summer before we moved was unbelievably bad!). Here, we do new things constantly. I think we're still, to a certain extent in the honeymoon period - but we're just starting to find those places that really resonate with us, and that we love. Anyway, I've rambled enough. b123, friends and family are hard. They pull on your heart strings when you're not there, but when you come home, they're back to taking advantage!! You've got to do what's best for you. I can now understand why some people come home. I think 95% of migrants will NEVER feel truly 'at home' - our kids will though, as they get to grow their routes here: A sapling replanted into richer soil has the chance to flourish...an old oak will wither and die. I think that's true of us poms...part of us does fade when we migrate as those things that resonate with us...all our past experiences, events and lives have been left behind. How can we be the same person again? But our kids will have all those experiences, friendships, first loves, first losses here...in, my opinion the best country in the world. Of course, then they'll want to go to college in the 'UK'...'cause, y'know it's so cool... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 Sometimes kids will go over and live in the UK and then return to Australia and realise they really prefer Australia. That's what 3 of mine did. The other one never wanted to go in the first place and stayed here. They enjoyed it over there but thought they were different in attitude, not 'home' for them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 I understand your pain, we are a family of five who emmigrated to the gold coast last Sept 12, we all loved it and still do, unfornatally for me in Jan 13 it hit me with home sick and made me ill with wory about being so far away, I pleaded with my wife to come home for months & month, this caused so many ups and downs along with driving a wedge between us, My storey went on with a lot more detail but to keeep it short we agreed to come back to the uk in June 13, Im happy to be back but still miss oz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 Sometimes kids will go over and live in the UK and then return to Australia and realise they really prefer Australia. That's what 3 of mine did. The other one never wanted to go in the first place and stayed here. They enjoyed it over there but thought they were different in attitude, not 'home' for them. And sometimes they go to UK for their 'gap year' and never want to return - you never can tell when you wave them goodbye can you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 6, 2013 Share Posted September 6, 2013 I understand your pain, we are a family of five who emmigrated to the gold coast last Sept 12, we all loved it and still do, unfornatally for me in Jan 13 it hit me with home sick and made me ill with wory about being so far away, I pleaded with my wife to come home for months & month, this caused so many ups and downs along with driving a wedge between us, My storey went on with a lot more detail but to keeep it short we agreed to come back to the uk in June 13, Im happy to be back but still miss oz. Wow, I'm incredibly surprised to read this Proview as I remember reading your many posts and how excited you were to be coming out here. Sorry to hear it didn't work out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plumm Posted September 6, 2013 Author Share Posted September 6, 2013 I really know how you feel right now. I have been here just over 6 years and have always regretted my decision. For all of these years I have asked my husband to take me home, to no avail, consequently the marriage has gone to the point of no return. I was also diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago and I have made the decision to return to the UK to spend my time with my children and grandchildren, something I am so excited about. I can't imagine for one minute it is going to be easy but I know in my heart this is the right decision for me. I wish you every success with whatever decision you decide to make. I wish you all the very best, not at all easy, but you have to follow your heart. If I had my children over in the UK, there would be no stopping me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fizzybangs Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 I really know how you feel right now. I have been here just over 6 years and have always regretted my decision. For all of these years I have asked my husband to take me home, to no avail, consequently the marriage has gone to the point of no return. I was also diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago and I have made the decision to return to the UK to spend my time with my children and grandchildren, something I am so excited about. I can't imagine for one minute it is going to be easy but I know in my heart this is the right decision for me. I wish you every success with whatever decision you decide to make. Wow, you have had some trials - enjoy having your children and grandchildren around you again and the very best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen85 Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 I can sympathise completely with the OP, I was a child in a household where one parent had everything their way and subsequently I no longer have contact for that and many other reasons. It is very tough and I wonder how different things would have turned out if mum had the opportunity/support needed to raise us in the UK. Maybe my parents wouldn't have divorced? Maybe we would be better off financially & mentally? Who knows! All I know is that I am returning with my mum to the UK next year so we can be surrounded by the family that is left. Good luck and don't spend your life somewhere you aren't happy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fourcorners Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 b123, friends and family are hard. They pull on your heart strings when you're not there, but when you come home, they're back to taking advantage!! You've got to do what's best for you. I can now understand why some people come home. I think 95% of migrants will NEVER feel truly 'at home' - our kids will though, as they get to grow their routes here: But not all families are like that. Our families in the UK loved it when we were back (we were home for 3 years so definitely over the honeymoon period there). Every phone call we have to my OH's sister she asks us when we're thinking about coming back (she knows we want to in the not too distant future). For us being nearer our families, it was 99% positive. We've lost that by being here, and can't wait to be back. But luckily for us, when we do go back it's like we were never away. I guess for people whose families aren't that great, it's no big sacrifice to leave them. But they will have never known it any other way. I don't NEED my family near me all the time, and get on with life here without them, but it does leave a hole which cannot be filled here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jac2011 Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 To the OP I am so sorry you feel this way, our emotions can be so overwhelming at times. I am just wondering, as you and your husband have different views have you both spoken to the children? You say you have 4 so I am presuming at least a few of them would be old enough to tell you how they feel. Emigrating is a big deal for children at the best of times and to do it twice over may be unsettling. For other children it may not. Have you looked at opportunities for them in the future in Oz Vs UK? Have you considered where they would see home when they are older? Will they be able to slot back into the UK education system ie claiming financial support for Uni? If you moved back to the UK and they returned to Oz when they were older would that be more of a distress than the family you have lost in the UK? I am not saying these are relevant, I am just saying there will be another 1000 questions you could ask yourself before determining whether you should move and the children's point of view maybe more important here when you and your husband have different views. When you are homesick I can imagine the only thing pressing on your heart strings is your feelings however you describe a difficult time financially and emotionally (uni work is hard and stressful) for you. Could you agree a date post qualifying that you return to the UK for an extended holiday? Could you invite your sister over with her children and offer to assist financially? I am just trying to cover other alternative views from a different perspective. I hope somehow you both overcome these challenges and find a solution. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plumm Posted September 16, 2013 Author Share Posted September 16, 2013 Thanks for taking the time to post Jac2011, One child wants to stay here, the others want to return. I agree it would be unsettling for the eldest, the one who wants to remain here, if we returned back to the UK in 2 years, he would be 16, I haven't looked into it too deeply but he could do A'levels I think, or spend a year getting up to speed before he took them, leaving enough time to qualify for Uni assistance. All pie in the sky, honestly don't think it will ever happen. I think I will take myself and my girls back in the next year or two. My husband has said if I really need to go home, then we will, kind of a break through, as I don't feel quite so trapped and resentful as I have. I too am studying in the field of mental health, and loving it. I returned to study, to give myself a focus away from being homesick, to keep me busy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petals Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 I hear you and it happens a lot, however if one wants to stay, what happens when they return and hate it and want to come back to Aus, its complicated. My dad dealt with it with my Mum he just said ok off your go, so she went back a couple of times and stayed a year or so and then came back. When they finally retired they headed off to spend three months in UK and lasted three weeks. My brother went with my Mum as he is much younger than me and he tells me now how much he hated it over in UK. Is there an answer no, we are all different and actually I am lucky because I get to like wherever I am . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul1Perth Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 Been here 5 years, wanted to go home for 5 years. I consider that I have thrown myself into Aussie life 100% I think you have summed it up pretty well. Almost sounds like you made your mind up about Oz from day one and you were never going to settle. Sorry your in a tough place now but talking about it is maybe not going to make things better. You can both talk till you are blue in the face but if your hubby likes it and can't see anything wrong with it and you don't and can't settle then no amount of talking is going to change either one of yours opinion. You've not changed in 5 years so what makes you think another chat, which would probably turn into an argument, would help? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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