When only one of you wants to go home.

[fourcorners]

I think you have summed it up pretty well. Almost sounds like you made your mind up about Oz from day one and you were never going to settle. Sorry your in a tough place now but talking about it is maybe not going to make things better. You can both talk till you are blue in the face but if your hubby likes it and can't see anything wrong with it and you don't and can't settle then no amount of talking is going to change either one of yours opinion.

You've not changed in 5 years so what makes you think another chat, which would probably turn into an argument, would help?

 

What are suggesting exactly here Paul? That she either needs to put up and shut up, or leave her husband? People can and do change their minds, opinions change over time and people need to keep talking about their feelings to each other. If her husband can't tell there is anything wrong he is probably in denial, and is hoping that one day given more time she will settle. That obviously hasn't happened and he needs to realise that and come to terms with it. But the first step is recognising that something isn't right. If she goes silent, it doesn't solve anything, in fact more likely to make things worse.

 

I've been with my partner for 11 years and for 9 years of that he was adamant he didn't want children. I did take a risk in waiting for him to change his mind, but in the last year he has. I brought up the subject on a regular basis for 10 years just so he knew it was on my mind, so he knew where I stood on the situation. I had a feeling he would come round to the idea but also knew he needed time.

[Paul1Perth]

What are suggesting exactly here Paul? That she either needs to put up and shut up, or leave her husband? People can and do change their minds, opinions change over time and people need to keep talking about their feelings to each other. If her husband can't tell there is anything wrong he is probably in denial, and is hoping that one day given more time she will settle. That obviously hasn't happened and he needs to realise that and come to terms with it. But the first step is recognising that something isn't right. If she goes silent, it doesn't solve anything, in fact more likely to make things worse.

 

I've been with my partner for 11 years and for 9 years of that he was adamant he didn't want children. I did take a risk in waiting for him to change his mind, but in the last year he has. I brought up the subject on a regular basis for 10 years just so he knew it was on my mind, so he knew where I stood on the situation. I had a feeling he would come round to the idea but also knew he needed time.

 

I was a bit like your husband on the kids front and was nagged until I just gave in. I just have the feeling that women just tend to get their own way and if the hubby doesn't come round to their way of thinking they are obviously wrong and just need more nagging.

[Incata]

I was a bit like your husband on the kids front and was nagged until I just gave in. I just have the feeling that women just tend to get their own way and if the hubby doesn't come round to their way of thinking they are obviously wrong and just need more nagging.

 

I think my husband would agree with you. You did forget the bit about if we don't get our own way we do it anyway and present you with a fait accompli :wink:

[Paul1Perth]

I think my husband would agree with you. You did forget the bit about if we don't get our own way we do it anyway and present you with a fait accompli :wink:

 

Just read another post on the ping pong poms thread and there's a lady on there who moved back to Belfast 'cos her Dad was sick. She said her hubby and kids were not happy but it was her way or the highway. If that was a bloke saying that he would have been accused of being unfeeling. No truer saying than happy wife, happy life.

 

I just feel that most blokes are a lot more compliant than women and will do stuff just to keep the peace.

[Incata]

Just read another post on the ping pong poms thread and there's a lady on there who moved back to Belfast 'cos her Dad was sick. She said her hubby and kids were not happy but it was her way or the highway. If that was a bloke saying that he would have been accused of being unfeeling. No truer saying than happy wife, happy life.

 

I just feel that most blokes are a lot more compliant than women and will do stuff just to keep the peace.

 

I think you are right. My husband will do anything for an easy life (except sell his Landrover which he would fight to the death to keep!). I would not force him to do something he did not want to do, but if he was not bothered then I would really push for what I wanted.

 

As an example, I really, really wanted to go back to Canada to live, when it came to decision time about where to emigrate to. I loved living there and I feel like I left a piece of my heart there when I returned to the UK to be with my husband. My husband was not bothered about Canada, thought the place was nice enough, but it was no big deal to him. We visited Australia and he fell in love with Perth and was really enthusiastic about it. We did talk it through and I agreed to come here, even though my heart is elsewhere, because I knew he would be miserable to live with if he was somewhere he didn't want to be.

 

When it came to schooling for the kids, he was not really bothered as long as the school had good results, whereas I wanted a nuturing and supportive environment for my sons to grow in, with a high proportion of male teachers, to ensure the kids were in an environment where the teachers understand the way little boys think, learn and grow. I found the school I wanted, and the secondary school I want the kids in and just gave my husband the information as to where they were going. I therefore got my way in terms of schooling and the kids are at a Catholic School, despite my husband not being religious at all.

 

I think in the end, it comes down to compromise. However, if my husband shows the slightest, slightest indication of no longer being happy here, I will be pushing very hard to go back to Canada!

[fourcorners]

I was a bit like your husband on the kids front and was nagged until I just gave in. I just have the feeling that women just tend to get their own way and if the hubby doesn't come round to their way of thinking they are obviously wrong and just need more nagging.

 

 

I have never nagged him about kids. I wouldn't have pushed him into it if he didn't want it. You're speaking from your own experience so don't use the same stereotype on me.

 

I've never thought my OH (not husband) was wrong for not wanting kids, I understood his reasons totally. Sometimes it just takes a couple of major life events to realise what your priorities are and what you want to get from life.

[Paul1Perth]

I have never nagged him about kids. I wouldn't have pushed him into it if he didn't want it. You're speaking from your own experience so don't use the same stereotype on me.

 

I've never thought my OH (not husband) was wrong for not wanting kids, I understood his reasons totally. Sometimes it just takes a couple of major life events to realise what your priorities are and what you want to get from life.

 

You brought up the subject on a regular basis for 10 years, in my book that's nagging. Having said that I wouldn't be without the kids now. It's been great.

[fourcorners]

You brought up the subject on a regular basis for 10 years, in my book that's nagging.

 

 

Once every six months, if that!

 

My OH asks me on a weekly basis about getting a new motorbike!

[Tina2]

Thank you so much for your responses.

 

We are going the counselling route now, hope it helps.

 

Unfortunately having four children does not allow us options of going home for a year or two, it's hard when their education will be affected, but not impossible.

 

You're right Quoll- over a barrel here! I just can't see any way of achieving any compromises here. We barely manage to make ends meet, there is no available funds for trips home, although I qualify in two years, and will work, so long term things may improve, visits may help, but it's being part of my loved ones (at home) lives I miss and want. I don't need them for my happiness, but wish to be there for them, my sister has two children with a chronic illness, diagnosed the week before we left to come out here, I would never have come if I had known that would happen, I just want to be part of my nephews potentially short lives and be there for her. I lost my brother 4 years ago and it's made me feel like I want spend all the time I can with those I love.

 

Thanks again.

My heart goes out to you it really does. Having 4 children really complicates the issue. All I want to say is what ever you do what ever it takes work something out between you, don't let it gets to the stage of a split where you end up in a disagreement about where the children will live if you decide you cant live here any more and want to go back with the children if your partner wants the children to stay here, as the children cant go back with out both parents agreement.

What ever you do, do NOT put your lives and your childrens lives into the Australian Family Courts hands. There are not words to describe what that place will do to your finances, your lives and your childrens lives. Once you step foot in the Family Court of Australia you loose control of your lives and they take over, have family going through it and it is totally destroying our entire family.

[Paul1Perth]

Once every six months, if that!

 

My OH asks me on a weekly basis about getting a new motorbike!

 

There's the compromise then, he gets a new motorbike and you get to try for kids. As long as you look after them when they come along and he'll look after the bike.:wink:

[Guest]

There's the compromise then, he gets a new motorbike and you get to try for kids. As long as you look after them when they come along and he'll look after the bike.:wink:

 

My OH was promised a Corvette...he ended up with the Skyline (now replaced with an even better one in the UK) mind you that was as much to do with his mate telling him it'd spend more time in his workshop than on the road and the realization that if he ever wanted to be able to drive it there need to be seats for us all!

 

Lots of men are reluctant fathers, it doesn't mean they don't make good ones!

[Dennic]

Hi, I'm in the same boat. Me and 3 kids want to go home as family was a massive part of our lives, we have been over for a year now and when the government said they were going to change the 457's $4000 school fee's me and kids danced with joy as we knew this would send us home. Now its changed and hubby wants to go for nominated PR next year. He thinks that once we have that we can return home and come back when the kids have finished high school.....

This was his dream and I said I would give it a try for him & if the kids loved it then I would suck it up with a smile, but now we're here he dont want to listen to us.

Hope it works out for you

[Squidgy]

Hi, new to the site. I have lived in Oz 31 years, came here with husband and two children, been homesick for 31 years. Divorced unable to move back because of laws taking children out of the country. Remarried, settled for a little while, go home nearly every year, sometimes twice a year to visit sick aged parents. Just spent 4 months there, longest I have ever been back for. Wanted to see how I felt about staying. Did the trick, made my decision for me. I am spending Xmas here with my grown children and grand kids and then returning to UK on my own. My husband is Australian so doesn't understand my need but won't make the effort to travel to UK to see what it means to me. I don't blame him, I blame myself for not coming for a holiday first off to see whether I could fit in here. Some people do, they never want to return. Others, like me should never have left. At my age, it's scary but I am a very young 58 year old with a lot of living to do. Life is short so I have decided for once to do what I want and live my life the way I want. Selfish YES!!!! I have sacrificed a lot to live here for years and now it's my time. The plus side is my Oz family will have a place to stay at no cost and I will get to visit Europe all over again. My kids are right behind me and tell me go for it mum!!!!!!! These decisions are so hard BUT you have to do what you feel is right for you in your heart and if your heart is in the UK then you will never settle in Oz.......

[Tina2]

Hi, new to the site. I have lived in Oz 31 years, came here with husband and two children, been homesick for 31 years. Divorced unable to move back because of laws taking children out of the country. Remarried, settled for a little while, go home nearly every year, sometimes twice a year to visit sick aged parents. Just spent 4 months there, longest I have ever been back for. Wanted to see how I felt about staying. Did the trick, made my decision for me. I am spending Xmas here with my grown children and grand kids and then returning to UK on my own. My husband is Australian so doesn't understand my need but won't make the effort to travel to UK to see what it means to me. I don't blame him, I blame myself for not coming for a holiday first off to see whether I could fit in here. Some people do, they never want to return. Others, like me should never have left. At my age, it's scary but I am a very young 58 year old with a lot of living to do. Life is short so I have decided for once to do what I want and live my life the way I want. Selfish YES!!!! I have sacrificed a lot to live here for years and now it's my time. The plus side is my Oz family will have a place to stay at no cost and I will get to visit Europe all over again. My kids are right behind me and tell me go for it mum!!!!!!! These decisions are so hard BUT you have to do what you feel is right for you in your heart and if your heart is in the UK then you will never settle in Oz.......

My story is so similar, but daugther is on her own with 2 kids and now going through the whole family court issue and as you would know it is "nasty" so for the next 13 years she is stuck here and i just cant leave her. I understand the feeling to go back, your soul knows where it belongs that is the short answer. I wish you every happiness.