How to keep everybody happy??

[Tulip1]

17 hours ago, rammygirl said:

Sit down and write a letter. Explain how you feel and why. You may need to do several drafts. Say that you would like to have a good relationship and how you would prefer the visit to be and why. 

They probably don’t see what they are doing, and why it is making you miserable. Have you also talked to your brother about it.

They can read a letter over and over and hopefully you can then have a rational calm conversation about it. 

 

You know the answer to your questions, you just need reassurance and hopefully you’ve got it now from all these helpful replies. You are enabling her to be that way. You are doing it to keep the peace but who’s peace? Not yours that’s for sure. Christmas, you need to book a hotel and tell your mum you have. No need for a lengthy decision about it, you’ve both decided a camper van is not for you and you’ve made other arrangements.  When you’re expected to sit around all day in their lounge say you have lots to do/see and do not have the time to chill out at home for too long. If it’s met with a sulk just ignore it. Agree with everyone else, every year taking up all your leave is silly, have the holidays you want. We don’t own our children, we raise them to be independent adults who can live their lives as they want. I’m sure it’s hard for her to not see you often, it’s hard for every parent, me included but I’d never in a million years act like your mum does. I’m happy my children are happy.  Remember..... we get treated in life how we allow people to treat us ....it’s time to make some changes 

[tea4too]

Your thread title looks for ways to keep everyone happy and I think you may have been trying to do that for too long. Perhaps it’s time to accept that while you love your parents and will always support them, you cannot take sole responsibility for their happiness.

Your mother’s expectations of you are likely to increase as she gets older, so it is important to draw some lines that you will not cross. Choose your battles though because it is exhausting (and futile) facing everything head on. Reassure but be firm, explain that you understand what she wants but you really need to do something else. Roll with the negative narrative that will come your way but stand quietly firm, because Mum is really only interested in getting her own way.

Be prepared for your relationship to change as the dynamic shifts, but it is a price worth paying to avoid the alternative, which is to indefinitely walk on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are stronger than you think as you have already taken the first huge step of moving to Aus. Little steps now! You can do it. T x

[rammygirl]

34 minutes ago, tea4too said:

Your thread title looks for ways to keep everyone happy and I think you may have been trying to do that for too long. Perhaps it’s time to accept that while you love your parents and will always support them, you cannot take sole responsibility for their happiness.

Your mother’s expectations of you are likely to increase as she gets older, so it is important to draw some lines that you will not cross. Choose your battles though because it is exhausting (and futile) facing everything head on. Reassure but be firm, explain that you understand what she wants but you really need to do something else. Roll with the negative narrative that will come your way but stand quietly firm, because Mum is really only interested in getting her own way.

Be prepared for your relationship to change as the dynamic shifts, but it is a price worth paying to avoid the alternative, which is to indefinitely walk on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are stronger than you think as you have already taken the first huge step of moving to Aus. Little steps now! You can do it. T x

 

Yes. Well spotted. The thread title says it all.  It isn’t the OPs job to keep everyone happy and it just isn’t always possible. 

I do hope they find a way forward. 

[Jon the Hat]

OK some great advise already on here, but for what it is worth I will add mine.

My Mother in law suffers (we believe - diagnosis is impossible) with Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and  I recognise all of the manipulation, situations, feelings, fears and confusion you feel, as I have seen my wife go through all of it.  I strongly suggest you do some research on the subject, and how to manage someone living with it.

A few KEY points.  You are not responsible for your mothers happiness.  It may be completely impossible for her to be happy unless she has everything her own way, and that is not compatible with actual real life, so you can forget that. Not possible.

You are however responsible for your and to an extent your immediate family's happiness (as far as possible), and there are things you can do to improve that.

We have cut off completely my Mother in law, and life is much much happier for it.  This is also much easier on the other side of the world.  Sadly my sisters in law in AU have not been in a position to do so, and they have suffered the consequences, as have their children.  I wont say more than that, but people like this are very very damaging.  In my view you are fortunate this hasn't already ruined your marriage.  You already made the decision to move away, I suggest you know what you need to do next, but doing it is hard, and you need to balance the rational and emotional to do so.  I wish you luck.

Edited May 27, 2019 by Jon the Hat