aconcannon Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 My hubby & I (no kids) emigrated 4 years ago & have absolutely loved every minute of our time here & we have zero regrets! The only concern we do have, which I’ve posted about on here before, is how through no doing of our own most of our friendships/family relationships back home are majorly strained & continue to be that way. My parents for example have decided they don’t wish to ever fly to see us or even meet us in Europe or half way (despite them coming to Australia on holidays prior to us emigrating), so every year since emigrating we’ve used all our annual leave to go back home. If I’m honest, we don’t want to go home at all as we’re keen to explore Australia & the beautiful countries in easy access, but I get so much pressure from my parents & feel so much guilt that our annual trip has always been the UK. Every time we go home it’s a disaster. I get constant grief from my parents when we try to spend time with friends/my husbands family (they won’t ever come to Australia either), we suggest things we might like to do / places we’d like to see with my parents but we get accused of trying to take over/control them. Since emigrating my parents don’t seem to do a great deal anymore; they are 60 & 63 so it’s not an age thing, they’ve just changed. For my hubby & I, 3 weeks sitting in my parents living room watching TV & listening to them bickering isn’t really a holiday, and as a result of trying to keep them happy we end up upsetting other people as we don’t see as much of them as we’d like. We end up leaving the UK feeling depressed & cant wait to get back to Oz. I’ve tried talking to my parents numerous parents times but it always falls on deaf ears & ends up in an argument. We appreciate the fact we chose to move here so why should people visit us, but we just expect a little bit more in return for the effort we make to go home each year. My older brother who lives in Ireland hardly ever makes the effort to go home, but when he does make the 1 hour plane journey the red carpet is out & they can’t do enough for him. I hate to sound like the jealous sibling, but I am...the difference is unbelievable & it really hurts. My mum will sit for hours asking my brother all about his life in Ireland, yet if my hubby or I try to talk about Australia the conversation gets shut down straight away or my mum will slag Australia off. It’s bizarre. This Xmas when we go home my brother, his wife & teenage kids will be coming over to spend 5 days with us & we’ll all be staying at my parents house. Due to lack of bedrooms, my parents have asked my hubby & I to give up our bedroom for my brother & his wife & for us to sleep in their campervan on the driveway! Considering we live in QLD & I’m a severe winter asthmatic I feel it’s a little unfair to expect us to do that. I suggested my hubby & I book a hotel nearby & it was met with a huge argument about how I was making no effort with the family! I don’t know what more I can do?! My husband has decided that after our trip this Xmas he doesn’t plan to go back for 5 years as he’s sick of the stress & the expense. I don’t blame him. I don’t think I could live with myself/put up with the guilt tripping from my parents though if I don’t continue with the annual trip. This of course causes issues with my husband as he’ll have excess annual leave & nobody to use it with. I feel really torn & don’t know what to do for the best? Has anybody else been in a similar situation or can anybody offer any advice? Thank you so much! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peach Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 (edited) You're grown ups. Don't go back to the UK until you want to. It really is that simple... Stop talking to your parents until they stop guilt tripping you. Live your own life, not theirs. Edited May 25, 2019 by Peach 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aconcannon Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 You're grown ups. Don't go back to the UK until you want to. It really is that simple... Stop talking to your parents until they stop guilt tripping you. Live your own life, not theirs.I get what you’re saying & you’re right, we should just be doing what we want to do, but I already feel like our relationship with them is becoming more & more strained despite me ‘doing as I’m told’ so to refuse to speak to them or go home would you make everything worse & ultimately I want to make things better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peach Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 1 minute ago, aconcannon said: I get what you’re saying & you’re right, we should just be doing what we want to do, but I already feel like our relationship with them is becoming more & more strained despite me ‘doing as I’m told’ so to refuse to speak to them or go home would you make everything worse & ultimately I want to make things better. So do whatever they want you to do and quit moaning about it? Can't have it both ways. Using all your holiday to visit the UK every year is a completely unreasonable request to make of somebody. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aconcannon Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 So do whatever they want you to do and quit moaning about it? Can't have it both ways. Using all your holiday to visit the UK every year is a completely unreasonable request to make of somebody. That’s a bit harsh! I’m not moaning, I’m looking for advice from somebody who may have been in a similar situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peach Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 It's harsh but its true.. All the compromise seems to from your side. Why should you bend over backwards even further? Cancel this years visit and go on a well deserved holiday with your husband. Make your own demands of your family and if they won't meet you half way you should cut your losses. It's not like you'll bump into them on the High Street. Stop trying to have the same relationship you had with them when you lived close by. You live on the other side of the world for heaven's sake, surely that gives you some space to do what you want? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aconcannon Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 It's harsh but its true.. All the compromise seems to from your side. Why should you bend over backwards even further? Cancel this years visit and go on a well deserved holiday with your husband. Make your own demands of your family and if they won't meet you half way you should cut your losses. It's not like you'll bump into them on the High Street. Stop trying to have the same relationship you had with them when you lived close by. You live on the other side of the world for heaven's sake, surely that gives you some space to do what you want? Yes you are spot on and all of compromise does come from our side. They don’t see it like that though, in fact they refuse to even recognise it & that’s what hurts the most. One of the reasons we moved here was due to their controlling ways & since being here we’ve never been happier as we live the life we want to lead. I suppose that’s why it bothers us so much when we do make the annual trip & get treated like shit. Maybe I’m too soft & I’ve been brought up in such a way that if I don’t dance to my mothers tune then I pay for it. As much as I know that’s wrong & I hate that she does it to me, I don’t know how to break the cycle without destroying our relationship - which is the last thing I want! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drumbeat Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 (edited) You're worried about upsetting the parents who expect you to sleep in a campervan on their driveway but won't let you book into a hotel?? What would you say to someone else in your position? Are you able to cancel your trip this Xmas because it's going to be bloody miserable, your husband must be a saint to put up with it. I appreciate it won't be easy (I had a very controlling mother too) but it's time to put yourselves first. Edited May 25, 2019 by Drumbeat 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drumbeat Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 3 minutes ago, aconcannon said: Yes you are spot on and all of compromise does come from our side. They don’t see it like that though, in fact they refuse to even recognise it & that’s what hurts the most. One of the reasons we moved here was due to their controlling ways & since being here we’ve never been happier as we live the life we want to lead. I suppose that’s why it bothers us so much when we do make the annual trip & get treated like shit. Maybe I’m too soft & I’ve been brought up in such a way that if I don’t dance to my mothers tune then I pay for it. As much as I know that’s wrong & I hate that she does it to me, I don’t know how to break the cycle without destroying our relationship - which is the last thing I want! I understand where you're coming from but why hold on to such an unhealthy relationship? My mother didn't want me to move to Oz but once I did she enjoyed coming for holidays. It's sad that your parents are behaving so appallingly but it will be their loss in the end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aconcannon Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 You're worried about upsetting the parents who expect you to sleep in a campervan on their driveway but won't let you book into a hotel?? What would you say to someone else in your position? Are you able to cancel your trip this Xmas because it's going to be bloody miserable, your husband must be a saint to put up with it. I appreciate it won't be easy (I had a very controlling mother ) but it's time to put yourselves first.It’s not that I’m worried so much about upsetting them because I know it’s completely out of order the way they treat my hubby & I (especially the campervan situation) so they deserve what they get, its more that I can’t be doing with the grief I’ll get for cancelling the trip. My mum seems to cause this whirlwind of emotions & guilt in me & even though I know it’s wrong to feel the way I do when she puts me in that situation I can’t actually help but to take on the blame & to feel like the bad guy. I just feel like the whole situation is a massive, unnecessary mess & I wish it didn’t have to be this way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aconcannon Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 I understand where you're coming from but why hold on to such an unhealthy relationship? My mother didn't want me to move to Oz but once I did she enjoyed coming for holidays. It's sad that your parents are behaving so appallingly but it will be their loss in the end.Despite being very controlled by my parents (or should I say my mother) I have always been very close to them. I call her at least 5 times per week & we get on better than ever, but as soon as I get home things change & it’s like I’ve never left & she’s back to treating me like a 10 year old. I couldn’t ever imagine not having them in my life. They are incredibly supportive & generous in many ways, but the minute I don’t ‘do as I’m told’ things change. The older I’m getting the less tolerant of this I’ve become. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 6 minutes ago, aconcannon said: It’s not that I’m worried so much about upsetting them because I know it’s completely out of order the way they treat my hubby & I (especially the campervan situation) so they deserve what they get, its more that I can’t be doing with the grief I’ll get for cancelling the trip. My mum seems to cause this whirlwind of emotions & guilt in me & even though I know it’s wrong to feel the way I do when she puts me in that situation I can’t actually help but to take on the blame & to feel like the bad guy. I just feel like the whole situation is a massive, unnecessary mess & I wish it didn’t have to be this way. The whole thing must be so stressful for you. I can't really give you any advice as I've not been in a similar situation but one thing I would do is book into a B&B close to your Mum and Dad's house. Bugger staying in a campervan. It's so wrong of your parents to cause this awful guilt trip for you and your husband but some people are just like that unfortunately. They will probably never change and that is their problem. You haven't anything wrong. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drumbeat Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 7 minutes ago, aconcannon said: Despite being very controlled by my parents (or should I say my mother) I have always been very close to them. I call her at least 5 times per week & we get on better than ever, but as soon as I get home things change & it’s like I’ve never left & she’s back to treating me like a 10 year old. I couldn’t ever imagine not having them in my life. They are incredibly supportive & generous in many ways, but the minute I don’t ‘do as I’m told’ things change. The older I’m getting the less tolerant of this I’ve become. I think you already know what the answer is, you just have to find the courage to stand up to them. If you stop going home very year they might actually change their mind and decide to visit. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aconcannon Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 I think you already know what the answer is, you just have to find the courage to stand up to them. If you stop going home very year they might actually change their mind and decide to visit.That’s exactly what my husband has said!!! Sadly, I don’t think they would change their mind & come. My dad has said numerous times that he would come on his own to see us as it’s my mum who has the issue with the journey, but he knows the grief he would get for coming without her isn’t worth it. The whole situation is just an unnecessary mess really. I’m not ‘scared’ to confront my mum & I do it regularly but it just ends up in a huge crazy argument & I end up being the bad guy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aconcannon Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 The whole thing must be so stressful for you. I can't really give you any advice as I've not been in a similar situation but one thing I would do is book into a B&B close to your Mum and Dad's house. Bugger staying in a campervan. It's so wrong of your parents to cause this awful guilt trip for you and your husband but some people are just like that unfortunately. They will probably never change and that is their problem. You haven't anything wrong.Thanks for the kind words! It’s such a tricky situation as I love them both dearly but at 34 I don’t think I should be getting treated the way that I do. There’s never any compromise & if I express that I’m hurt because of that it somehow gets turned around & I end up being the bad guy. You’re right & they probably never will change. I just wish I understood it & understood why they don’t treat my brother in the same way who makes zero effort in comparison. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rammygirl Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 Sit down and write a letter. Explain how you feel and why. You may need to do several drafts. Say that you would like to have a good relationship and how you would prefer the visit to be and why. They probably don’t see what they are doing, and why it is making you miserable. Have you also talked to your brother about it. They can read a letter over and over and hopefully you can then have a rational calm conversation about it. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 14 minutes ago, aconcannon said: That’s exactly what my husband has said!!! Sadly, I don’t think they would change their mind & come. My dad has said numerous times that he would come on his own to see us as it’s my mum who has the issue with the journey, but he knows the grief he would get for coming without her isn’t worth it. The whole situation is just an unnecessary mess really. I’m not ‘scared’ to confront my mum & I do it regularly but it just ends up in a huge crazy argument & I end up being the bad guy! You said that your parents have visited Australia previously so why is your Mum so set against it now? I wonder if it is because you are their only daughter that they treat you differently from the way they treat your brother. We have two sons who live and work overseas and I cheerily waved them goodbye. I don't have a daughter but I like to think I would do the same had she wanted to spread her wings and move to the other side of the world. Rammygirl's idea of writing a letter is a very good idea. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aconcannon Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 Sit down and write a letter. Explain how you feel and why. You may need to do several drafts. Say that you would like to have a good relationship and how you would prefer the visit to be and why. They probably don’t see what they are doing, and why it is making you miserable. Have you also talked to your brother about it. They can read a letter over and over and hopefully you can then have a rational calm conversation about it. Inbetween leaving Sydney & moving to Queensland last year we went home for 2 months, not really out of choice but because my mum insisted on paying for our flights & made me feel so ungrateful/mean for turning down her offer that we ended up giving in. The trip was horrendous & so after that once we returned to Australia I wrote her a letter explaining how I felt etc. Neither of them acknowledged the letter. I didn’t call her for over 2 weeks waiting for 1 of them to contact us & they didn’t. When I eventually called her she didn’t mention the letter & when I brought it up it just caused a huge row & she said I was being overly dramatic & needed to grow up & refuses to talk about the letter again. It’s a loosing battle. I’ve tried talking to my brother about it but as he’s never really experienced the wrath of my mother & always has a nice time when does see them, he prefers not to get involved & so is zero support either. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aconcannon Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 You said that your parents have visited Australia previously so why is your Mum so set against it now? I wonder if it is because you are their only daughter that they treat you differently from the way they treat your brother. We have two sons who live and work overseas and I cheerily waved them goodbye. I don't have a daughter but I like to think I would do the same had she wanted to spread her wings and move to the other side of the world. Rammygirl's idea of writing a letter is a very good idea. [emoji3]It’s a long story but when my hubby & I got engaged about 7 years ago we said we wanted to hold the wedding in Thailand as it’s a place very special to the 2 of us. Mum flipped at the idea as she wanted to have the traditional wedding at home. After 18 months of sticking to ours guns she still wouldn’t back down & support us. She invented some ridiculous story about developing claustrophobia/ fear of flying so we could have the wedding in Thailand but she wouldn’t ‘be able’ to come & then guilt tripped me to the extent we ended up having the wedding at home. She’s super stubborn & hasn’t been on a plane since & I very much doubt she’ll ever back down from that. You could say she bit off her nose to spite her face! I did write them a letter last year following a disastrous trip home but it went ignored, and then I went I mentioned it she said I was being childish & needed to grow up. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. I don’t have children but I could never imagine treating mine the way I get treated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 3 minutes ago, aconcannon said: It’s a long story but when my hubby & I got engaged about 7 years ago we said we wanted to hold the wedding in Thailand as it’s a place very special to the 2 of us. Mum flipped at the idea as she wanted to have the traditional wedding at home. After 18 months of sticking to ours guns she still wouldn’t back down & support us. She invented some ridiculous story about developing claustrophobia/ fear of flying so we could have the wedding in Thailand but she wouldn’t ‘be able’ to come & then guilt tripped me to the extent we ended up having the wedding at home. She’s super stubborn & hasn’t been on a plane since & I very much doubt she’ll ever back down from that. You could say she bit off her nose to spite her face! I did write them a letter last year following a disastrous trip home but it went ignored, and then I went I mentioned it she said I was being childish & needed to grow up. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. I don’t have children but I could never imagine treating mine the way I get treated. I feel sorry for your Dad as he probably wants to come and visit you but feels he can't leave your Mum at home alone. It's a bit of a predicament for everyone. You have my sympathy. She sounds like a difficult woman. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peach Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 7 minutes ago, aconcannon said: It’s a long story but when my hubby & I got engaged about 7 years ago we said we wanted to hold the wedding in Thailand as it’s a place very special to the 2 of us. Mum flipped at the idea as she wanted to have the traditional wedding at home. After 18 months of sticking to ours guns she still wouldn’t back down & support us. She invented some ridiculous story about developing claustrophobia/ fear of flying so we could have the wedding in Thailand but she wouldn’t ‘be able’ to come & then guilt tripped me to the extent we ended up having the wedding at home. She’s super stubborn & hasn’t been on a plane since & I very much doubt she’ll ever back down from that. You could say she bit off her nose to spite her face! I did write them a letter last year following a disastrous trip home but it went ignored, and then I went I mentioned it she said I was being childish & needed to grow up. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. I don’t have children but I could never imagine treating mine the way I get treated. If you had a kid and he/she was being bullied at school, or if your husband was being bullied by his boss - what advice would you give them? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aconcannon Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 I feel sorry for your Dad as he probably wants to come and visit you but feels he can't leave your Mum at home alone. It's a bit of a predicament for everyone. You have my sympathy. She sounds like a difficult woman. She’s really hard work! She has so many strong points but also so many negatives. She’s definitely the sort of person who you either love or you hate! I too feel sorry for my dad as he doesn’t have the easiest of lives - another reason why I like to go back is to make sure he’s ok I suppose. We played a huge part in their social lives prior to emigrating, and although my dad isn’t my responsibility I do know how hard things are for him with me not being there. So much guilt & like you say it truly is a predicament for everyone :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aconcannon Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 If you had a kid and he/she was being bullied at school, or if your husband was being bullied by his boss - what advice would you give them?I’d tell them to avoid that person like the plague!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 Please don't take this the wrong way, but you've asked for advice but put up barriers to taking the suggestions on board. You are enabling your mums behaviour and it won't change whilst you keep giving in. In order for your mum to have the potential for change - you have to set some boundaries - you might think you are, but you're giving in every time you go back. My suggestions for what it's worth: Speak to your brother about the camper van situation (he might not even be aware of it) - ask him to sleep in it, if he says no - as Toots suggests book a hotel Tell your mother you can't afford to visit next year so instead will be visiting every 2nd year. If your husband doesn't want to go with you - then reduce the time to a week or just over, so that you still have annual leave. There are solutions to your dilemma, but some of them won't be comfortable and one of the options is always to keep things the same, which you're not obviously happy with. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peach Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 1 minute ago, aconcannon said: I’d tell them to avoid that person like the plague!! Yet when it comes to your mum, you seem happy to let the bully win.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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